(no subject)
so I just looked at all Ana's photos from her semester at sea.
She went to paradise; her photos look more perfect than screen savers. I look at them and think how idilic; what a wonderful destination for such a difficult trip.
But then I realize that I'd hate that destination. There's no frame of mind that I currently have that would allow me the perspective to enjoy that.
Just like how I hated hiking through that park on earth day. Its unplanned; unexpected. Its exhurtion that I don't want to make... that its not worth me to make. Anger in every fiber of my being raging against something unplesant that I could not plan for and could not control.
And then I think that this makes what I've done with the same ammount of time some how lesser. In the time that Ana's been traveling the world, living a big adventure, I've been sitting behind a desk trying to massage the egos of rich people and convince them of what a huge impact they're making by donating one piddly-dunk day of their life to habitat; an organization that is, questionably, making a difference. I've been sitting on my butt, not traveling, not adventuring. because I don't adventure; its not in me. I've been pushing myself to further improve my interpersonal skills and customer service skills (I realize some who might read this might think this is easy for me to do, but its really fucking hard to make conversation with a group of complete strangers everyday!) I've been discovering Seattle... when I have the energy; when I'm feeling adventurous enough.
And then I think about the impact that the trip's made on Ana. And how I wish I had been able to greet her when she got back; hear all the random first-words-after-coming-home details. I wonder if Ana will continue to adventuring or if she's tired out. I wonder if/when I'll see her again and if/how she will have changed.
I wonder if I can see her during my six week break.
I make up little fantasies about somehow reuniting in a place with the people I love. Mind you, all the people I care about don't necessarily get a long; so I have a lot of irreconsileable fantasies about idilicly living in the same place as someone (yet never the same place for each person) and hanging out like it was the "good old days" (complete with reference to idilic times that never actually exisited). These fantasies mean that I never have to say good bye. I'll see that person again... when we're both living in a really cool city... when we're living down the street from each other... when we're retired and in the same old people's home... someday we'll be somewhere where a cold piece of machinery isn't necessary in order to communicate. But just like chaos theory describes, there is no convergence and everyone (staying true to themselves and following their passions) is heading in completely different directions.
I really miss her.
Will anything ever feel the way it did before?
She went to paradise; her photos look more perfect than screen savers. I look at them and think how idilic; what a wonderful destination for such a difficult trip.
But then I realize that I'd hate that destination. There's no frame of mind that I currently have that would allow me the perspective to enjoy that.
Just like how I hated hiking through that park on earth day. Its unplanned; unexpected. Its exhurtion that I don't want to make... that its not worth me to make. Anger in every fiber of my being raging against something unplesant that I could not plan for and could not control.
And then I think that this makes what I've done with the same ammount of time some how lesser. In the time that Ana's been traveling the world, living a big adventure, I've been sitting behind a desk trying to massage the egos of rich people and convince them of what a huge impact they're making by donating one piddly-dunk day of their life to habitat; an organization that is, questionably, making a difference. I've been sitting on my butt, not traveling, not adventuring. because I don't adventure; its not in me. I've been pushing myself to further improve my interpersonal skills and customer service skills (I realize some who might read this might think this is easy for me to do, but its really fucking hard to make conversation with a group of complete strangers everyday!) I've been discovering Seattle... when I have the energy; when I'm feeling adventurous enough.
And then I think about the impact that the trip's made on Ana. And how I wish I had been able to greet her when she got back; hear all the random first-words-after-coming-home details. I wonder if Ana will continue to adventuring or if she's tired out. I wonder if/when I'll see her again and if/how she will have changed.
I wonder if I can see her during my six week break.
I make up little fantasies about somehow reuniting in a place with the people I love. Mind you, all the people I care about don't necessarily get a long; so I have a lot of irreconsileable fantasies about idilicly living in the same place as someone (yet never the same place for each person) and hanging out like it was the "good old days" (complete with reference to idilic times that never actually exisited). These fantasies mean that I never have to say good bye. I'll see that person again... when we're both living in a really cool city... when we're living down the street from each other... when we're retired and in the same old people's home... someday we'll be somewhere where a cold piece of machinery isn't necessary in order to communicate. But just like chaos theory describes, there is no convergence and everyone (staying true to themselves and following their passions) is heading in completely different directions.
I really miss her.
Will anything ever feel the way it did before?