An Emo Post - I'm afraid.
This is going to sound absolutely strange…but I feel lonely. I think that I may be wallowing. As smoothly as my life is running right now, I don’t feel as though it is at the place I want it to be right now. I don’t know how *that* is because I don’t know where I want my life. What do I want to change?
I know there are aspects of my work life that need improving. That seems easy enough. I have lots of things to do and stuff that can occupy my working time. I have made a lot of connections with people that are awesome. Some would be considered amazing. Others are just quirky and I adore them. There have been many amusing hours spent just listening to them talk (with or without me). *happy times at the work*
The spiritual life…is lacking. How to make it un-lack? I have no idea. Spend more Jesus time alone? Immerse myself in church-like events? I’m anti-social if you know anything about me…that’s one of them. It is growing - my spiritual life - because there was a point when I wouldn’t even consider it a topic worth discussing. *props to me* However, I don’t know what about it needs discussing and how to make it grow at the rate it should be growing…because I feel that at this point it is stalled. It did all the growing in one spurt a while ago and now has stopped. *frustrated* Maybe this up-coming weekend will help with this. *crosses fingers*
My social life is…chaotic or maybe stagnant. Yes, those are two very different adjectives. As I mentioned, I am anti-social. It, however, is not okay to not have human contact. (It’s strange this was actually being discussed at the desk tonight.) I get anxious when it comes to meeting new people but I’m not absolutely opposed to it. I think that I’m searching for a nice set of friends that I can bond with…No, I mean … a bigger social circle maybe. I have my standard friends. Not that they are below par or anything, but … they are the same as they’ve always been. It’s a collection of about four that…I occasionally hang out with. I live with two of them so I feel that they shouldn’t *count* as people that I hang out with because I see them for extended amounts of time all the time. I adore them and they enrich my life beyond anything I deserve…so I feel that it is only fair to them that I make other people to spend time with. Does that make sense?
The love life…*sigh* I don’t even know if I have words for it. It’s getting stressful. I don’t know how to explain it…and I definitely don’t know how to explain it to *him*. The distance thing is so beyond frustrating but it’s not something that is easily fixable. Our conversations are starting to become redundant. I can list the main things we talk about on one hand. It’s rare these days that it veers off of those things. Even more recent than that the conversations are “So, what do you want to talk about?” “I don’t know. What do you want to talk about?” “I don’t care. You can pick something.” “No. You pick something.” Do you know how exhausting that is? I get so frustrated. It’s not even justifiable to place the blame here because we both are not coming up with conversations. Should it really be *that* hard to just talk? I don’t think so. I am not the type of person that likes to stay on the phone and *not* be talking. I find that it’s a waste of good time. You know what I mean? I think one should be optimistic about one’s love life…or any portion of life for that matter…but it’s becoming really hard when I’m losing faith in what we have. Questions like What do we *really* have in common? Can I see myself with him a long time from now? How are we going to work if the communication isn’t flowing like it should? We communicate but it’s not…what I want, I think. I hate to say this, but I think I need more than what this is turning into. How do I fix this?
Then there is this added stress of not having my writing to fall back on. Normally I can crank a little something out. I mean, this is a blog. It’s easier to write this. Lately it’s been a struggle to even write that. I’m extremely tired which is why I think this is coming out as much as it is…but I’m mainly talking about my non-blog writing. I haven’t been able to *write-write* in a long time. I feel barren and at a loss; which is just another thing that is so beyond frustrating.
Tied to this is the fact that it is taking me forever to read enjoyable books. I was talking to one of the RAs tonight and it came up that I am reading so much slower than I once did. That is because I can’t get into a book anymore. What happened? There was a time when I could pick up a book and finish it within a couple of days (unless it was really good then it wouldn’t even take *that* long.) I just finished a book that I started like two or three weeks ago. I’m not okay with that. What happened to that girl that had a thirst for literature? Where oh where did she go?