Welcome to your dead-end college experience.
Hello all.
Why is it that all of these random little colleges out in no-wheres-ville come up out of the woodwork the summer before your senior year (actually they show up when you take the PSAT, but they are more forceful now) and insist that the only place in the world that you could possibly have the complete “college experience” that a person of your ability deserves is THEIR college. And you should apply NOW. And they will give you a full scholarship. But all of the colleges that you actually want to go to make you go on a soul-searching journey to find their application, not to mention the nice big application fees that could make any normal person go broke. Why can’t Rice start pleading with me to go to their school, it would make my life so much easier.
No, they couldn’t possibly make something easy for you. Instead when you find the applications that you want (Many schools don’t believe that you should have the advantage of a clear head and rest that summer provides, so they won’t let you see the application until AFTER school starts) there are all kinds of little questions that you look at and say “Now what do they really mean?” Should you be humble? But if you are humble won’t they think that you are the type of worthless lout that they don’t want at their school? Should you be boastful? But if you boast won’t they think you are full of yourself and would not get along well in their particular (and carefully balanced) college environment? Should you just fuck it all and settle for one of those obscure colleges where all they expect is that you have the maturity of a three year old and an IQ that is roughly the same as that of a squirrel? So much for creative.
And then there are all of the essay questions. It is as if the entire academic community has joined together in some vast and terrible conspiracy to stop all middle-class Caucasian persons from being able to write a college essay that could conceivably get them into a good college. The biggest obstacle that most of us have been forced to overcome is the fact that there are no obstacles in our lives, there is nothing to write that would make a college just have to have you. No, I did not have to struggle through school and hold a full time job just so that my family could eat. No, my skin color has never made people discriminate against me so that I had to fight to become accepted as an intellectual. No, as far as I know there are not any interesting or unique customs that my family has decided to make their own. No, I have never done anything particularly incredible like create a cure for cancer. And yes, my parents have whole heartedly supported my pursuit of knowledge making sure that I went to good schools and worked hard for the ultimate goal.
And what you may ask is that goal. College. Twelve years of school and not one of them was there to prepare you for the job that you will take in the future. They were there to make sure that you could go to college… preferably a good one, but that doesn’t cost too much, and not too far away, and with plenty of scholarships. College.
What a goal.
When you finally reach it, you get to look at your life and say “Wow! I’ve really done it! I want to thank my parents, and teachers, and friends. This is so amazing; I couldn’t have made it without them. Errr… Now what do I do?”
Maybe I should just screw college and work at Randall’s for the rest of my life. If high school drop-outs can be managers I certainly could. Oh what a great idea! “Welcome to the ranks of disgruntled employees in dead-end jobs. You are here for the life sentence, aren’t you?”
Throw me a freaking bone here!
Okay, now that I’m ranted out you all need to watch the movie at
http://www.ancientspear.com/mac.wmv
It will open in Windows Media Player, and not in the web browser. And it is a bit long, but it is oh so funny!
If it doesn't open there go to www.ancientspear.com and click on the link to "Crash Diffrent" At the very top. Enjoy.
Why is it that all of these random little colleges out in no-wheres-ville come up out of the woodwork the summer before your senior year (actually they show up when you take the PSAT, but they are more forceful now) and insist that the only place in the world that you could possibly have the complete “college experience” that a person of your ability deserves is THEIR college. And you should apply NOW. And they will give you a full scholarship. But all of the colleges that you actually want to go to make you go on a soul-searching journey to find their application, not to mention the nice big application fees that could make any normal person go broke. Why can’t Rice start pleading with me to go to their school, it would make my life so much easier.
No, they couldn’t possibly make something easy for you. Instead when you find the applications that you want (Many schools don’t believe that you should have the advantage of a clear head and rest that summer provides, so they won’t let you see the application until AFTER school starts) there are all kinds of little questions that you look at and say “Now what do they really mean?” Should you be humble? But if you are humble won’t they think that you are the type of worthless lout that they don’t want at their school? Should you be boastful? But if you boast won’t they think you are full of yourself and would not get along well in their particular (and carefully balanced) college environment? Should you just fuck it all and settle for one of those obscure colleges where all they expect is that you have the maturity of a three year old and an IQ that is roughly the same as that of a squirrel? So much for creative.
And then there are all of the essay questions. It is as if the entire academic community has joined together in some vast and terrible conspiracy to stop all middle-class Caucasian persons from being able to write a college essay that could conceivably get them into a good college. The biggest obstacle that most of us have been forced to overcome is the fact that there are no obstacles in our lives, there is nothing to write that would make a college just have to have you. No, I did not have to struggle through school and hold a full time job just so that my family could eat. No, my skin color has never made people discriminate against me so that I had to fight to become accepted as an intellectual. No, as far as I know there are not any interesting or unique customs that my family has decided to make their own. No, I have never done anything particularly incredible like create a cure for cancer. And yes, my parents have whole heartedly supported my pursuit of knowledge making sure that I went to good schools and worked hard for the ultimate goal.
And what you may ask is that goal. College. Twelve years of school and not one of them was there to prepare you for the job that you will take in the future. They were there to make sure that you could go to college… preferably a good one, but that doesn’t cost too much, and not too far away, and with plenty of scholarships. College.
What a goal.
When you finally reach it, you get to look at your life and say “Wow! I’ve really done it! I want to thank my parents, and teachers, and friends. This is so amazing; I couldn’t have made it without them. Errr… Now what do I do?”
Maybe I should just screw college and work at Randall’s for the rest of my life. If high school drop-outs can be managers I certainly could. Oh what a great idea! “Welcome to the ranks of disgruntled employees in dead-end jobs. You are here for the life sentence, aren’t you?”
Throw me a freaking bone here!
Okay, now that I’m ranted out you all need to watch the movie at
http://www.ancientspear.com/mac.wmv
It will open in Windows Media Player, and not in the web browser. And it is a bit long, but it is oh so funny!
If it doesn't open there go to www.ancientspear.com and click on the link to "Crash Diffrent" At the very top. Enjoy.