(no subject)
I said I was going to write about my Ten Days boys as a reward for my hard work on Heimenbergius. This is what came out after a couple days of feeling more like crap than I have in four years (I had really expensive surgery to fix this problem--twice! Why must it continue to plague me?!):
“I’m quitting football.” Ben’s backpack dropped to the floor with a heavy thump.
Seth raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything about his best friend’s sudden appearance in his bedroom or about his unexpected pronouncement. He knew better than to press.
Ben crossed the room quickly and hopped into Seth’s desk chair, immediately spinning around three times as fast as he could, stopping himself with the toe of one sneaker, reversing directions. Seth turned his attention back to his homework.
He tried, anyway; it wasn’t entirely possible to ignore the way his friend’s soft blue t-shirt hugged his fit body as he twisted in the chair or the shine of his slightly shaggy hair. Seth secretly envied Ben’s hair; it was the golden-brown of toast spread with butter, liberally streaked with natural highlights from hours spent in the sun, and it looked fantastic no matter what Ben did to it. He knew that it was getting longer than Ben liked it and would soon be cut short; Ben would pull the haircut off like a GQ cover model. Yet the locks currently sweeping across his forehead and hanging a little over his ears and neck suited him just as well in an indie rocker kind of way.
The chair settled to a stop; Ben straddled the back support and leaned forward, facing Seth. “Is that stupid?” His fingers drummed along the bottom of the seat. Seth wondered whether the beat was unconscious or if it matched a song in Ben’s head.
Seth put his pencil down and closed his math book, slipping a sheet of graph paper between the pages to save his place. “I don’t think you would stop playing without a good reason,” he replied cautiously.
“But everybody’s going to hate me,” Ben frowned. “They’re going to tell me I’m letting them all down.”
Seth wrinkled his nose incredulously. “By not playing football?”
Ben nodded unhappily. “You know they are. Nothing is more important to the school or the students than the football team and its record. I’m the running back who’s scored more touchdowns in the past three seasons than any previous running back in school history. People always tell me I won the game and act like the rest of the team didn’t do anything at all. Now they’ll tell me I lost the game by not playing in it.”
“That’s dumb.” Seth rolled his eyes. “If they’re that concerned about it, why don’t they just go out and do it themselves?”
Caramel-colored eyes leveled him a flat look. “You know that’s not how it works. Besides, even I can admit that, although Andre is pretty good, he’s not as good as I am. And everybody else knows it too. Even when he does well, they’re going to talk about how much better I would have done.”
“Do you really care so much what they think?”
He sighed. “Yes and no. I hate disappointing people.”
Seth nodded. “Will it be worth it?” The reasons didn’t matter; it only mattered if the answer to this question was yes.
Ben slumped down, resting his head against his forearms, rolling slowly back and forth in the chair. “Yeah. I have to. There’s no way I’m going to get the grades I need if I don’t.”
Seth didn’t argue, because it was the truth. School had never been easy for his best friend, but he wanted to get into a good college. Ben worked hard for his grades, and it took a lot of time. What most people didn’t realize was how hard he also worked to be the best running back the school had ever seen. Seth knew. He’d seen Ben run drill after drill in his backyard. He knew the sun-streaked hair had been earned with sweat and repetition. And he knew that Ben would never play if he couldn’t play to the best of his ability. He would never stay on the team without doing all the training and practice he could.
“Makes sense,” was all Seth said in response. Making a big deal out of it, even if he was being supportive, would only get Ben all worked up and miserable. If there were anything Seth hated, it was seeing his best friend miserable.
Ben’s eyes peeked out between his arm and his bangs and muttered, “It sucks.”
Seth snorted. Ben got off the desk chair and grabbed his backpack, settling next to Seth on the bed. For a minute, he was quiet, just twirling his pencil through his fingers and reading his American Lit worksheet. Then he made a frustrated sound and tapped Seth’s arm. Seth smiled slightly; Ben always tapped some part of the person he wanted to pay attention to him, even if they were already in the middle of a conversation. He rarely realized he was doing it. It drove Ben’s parents crazy, but Seth found it kind of charming. Of course, he usually found Ben’s quirks charming, and one that involved touching him was doubly enjoyable.
“I don’t understand the first question, Seth. What is she asking?”
Seth leaned over-perhaps a little farther than was strictly necessary, but Ben always smelled good-and read the worksheet for himself. “She wants to know what your impressions of Boo Radley are from this first chapter. You read it, right?”
Ben nodded, still frowning. “Took forever, but I did it. That’s kind of what made me decide to quit football; I didn’t finish until after ten, and I hadn’t done any of my other homework yet.”
For a moment, Seth studied his best friend’s tired, frustrated face and defeated posture. He took a deep breath and decided to distract him with his own news. “I guess since you told me something big,” he began nervously, “I should tell you my big secret. I told my parents yesterday, and I want you to know too. I just don’t want you to feel weird about it or anything.”
“Seth.” Ben’s voice was amused and incredulous as he rifled through his bag looking for his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. “I’m not sure what you think you can still shock me with. We’ve seen each other naked.” He looked over with a joking grin for a moment before returning his attention to his search.
“That’s why I’m worried,” Seth muttered under his breath. He debated for a moment trying to lead into it, giving some sort of background or something that might ease the bluntness of his declaration, but he didn’t think it would help. If Ben was going to freak out, he was going to freak out no matter how Seth phrased it.
“I’m gay.”
Ben stilled. “I probably should have seen that coming,” he said after a minute. “How’d your parents take it?”
Seth shrugged, more concerned with his best friend’s reaction. “Surprised. A little disappointed, much as my mom tried to pretend they weren’t. Mostly cool about it.”
Ben nodded, abandoning his search for his book and leaning back on the bed. He steepled his fingers over his chest while Seth tried to ignore the stretch of skin now exposed between the bottom of his t-shirt and his shorts. “How long have you known?”
“A while.” Seth shifted uncomfortably. “At least a year.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, you dork?” Ben punched him lightly in the side of the leg. “We’re best friends!”
Feeling his face flush, Seth looked down at his hands instead of at Ben’s too-attractive face. “I wasn’t sure at first, and I didn’t want to bring it up if it was going to make you feel weird or make things weird between us, and then I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
Ben rolled his eyes fondly. “So what made you realize?”
“Lots of things. Mostly there’s this guy…” Seth trailed off, not wanting to give himself away. Ben snickered.
“Reason number one I should have known you were gay: we’re seventeen years old, and you’ve never said a single word about a hot girl.” He glanced up slyly. “Are you going to tell me about this guy now?”
“No way.” Seth could not have been more adamant. “Hey, you’ve never talked about girls with me either, you know!”
“Yeah, I know.” Ben widened his eyes meaningfully. It took Seth a minute to catch on.
“Oh. Oh!” His heart had started beating wildly, but he didn’t let it show. The effort, however, rendered him incapable of speaking intelligibly for a few minutes.
“You’re the only person who knows,” his best friend told him shyly. “I’m afraid of what my parents will say. They’re not quite as open-minded as yours.”
Seth knew he was right. It was scary enough to figure out how to tell his parents, and he knew they would be all right with his sexuality. He didn’t envy Ben one bit. “How did you figure it out?” he asked curiously.
Ben raised his eyebrows. “Lots of things, but mostly there’s this guy.” He grinned at Seth, who had to work to return the grin convincingly. He had always known Ben would have crushes on other people, but knowing didn’t prepare him for finding out. And it was somehow easier when the hypothetical crushes were on people he could never be-like girls.
But then he looked back at his best friend, really looked, and saw how relaxed he had become stretched out on Seth’s bed, how happy he was, how easily the smile stretched across his face, and he remembered that tired, frustrated expression he’d seen a few minutes ago, and Seth was suddenly okay with the knowledge that even if he couldn’t make his best friend kiss him, he could at least make his best friend happy.
“I’m quitting football.” Ben’s backpack dropped to the floor with a heavy thump.
Seth raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything about his best friend’s sudden appearance in his bedroom or about his unexpected pronouncement. He knew better than to press.
Ben crossed the room quickly and hopped into Seth’s desk chair, immediately spinning around three times as fast as he could, stopping himself with the toe of one sneaker, reversing directions. Seth turned his attention back to his homework.
He tried, anyway; it wasn’t entirely possible to ignore the way his friend’s soft blue t-shirt hugged his fit body as he twisted in the chair or the shine of his slightly shaggy hair. Seth secretly envied Ben’s hair; it was the golden-brown of toast spread with butter, liberally streaked with natural highlights from hours spent in the sun, and it looked fantastic no matter what Ben did to it. He knew that it was getting longer than Ben liked it and would soon be cut short; Ben would pull the haircut off like a GQ cover model. Yet the locks currently sweeping across his forehead and hanging a little over his ears and neck suited him just as well in an indie rocker kind of way.
The chair settled to a stop; Ben straddled the back support and leaned forward, facing Seth. “Is that stupid?” His fingers drummed along the bottom of the seat. Seth wondered whether the beat was unconscious or if it matched a song in Ben’s head.
Seth put his pencil down and closed his math book, slipping a sheet of graph paper between the pages to save his place. “I don’t think you would stop playing without a good reason,” he replied cautiously.
“But everybody’s going to hate me,” Ben frowned. “They’re going to tell me I’m letting them all down.”
Seth wrinkled his nose incredulously. “By not playing football?”
Ben nodded unhappily. “You know they are. Nothing is more important to the school or the students than the football team and its record. I’m the running back who’s scored more touchdowns in the past three seasons than any previous running back in school history. People always tell me I won the game and act like the rest of the team didn’t do anything at all. Now they’ll tell me I lost the game by not playing in it.”
“That’s dumb.” Seth rolled his eyes. “If they’re that concerned about it, why don’t they just go out and do it themselves?”
Caramel-colored eyes leveled him a flat look. “You know that’s not how it works. Besides, even I can admit that, although Andre is pretty good, he’s not as good as I am. And everybody else knows it too. Even when he does well, they’re going to talk about how much better I would have done.”
“Do you really care so much what they think?”
He sighed. “Yes and no. I hate disappointing people.”
Seth nodded. “Will it be worth it?” The reasons didn’t matter; it only mattered if the answer to this question was yes.
Ben slumped down, resting his head against his forearms, rolling slowly back and forth in the chair. “Yeah. I have to. There’s no way I’m going to get the grades I need if I don’t.”
Seth didn’t argue, because it was the truth. School had never been easy for his best friend, but he wanted to get into a good college. Ben worked hard for his grades, and it took a lot of time. What most people didn’t realize was how hard he also worked to be the best running back the school had ever seen. Seth knew. He’d seen Ben run drill after drill in his backyard. He knew the sun-streaked hair had been earned with sweat and repetition. And he knew that Ben would never play if he couldn’t play to the best of his ability. He would never stay on the team without doing all the training and practice he could.
“Makes sense,” was all Seth said in response. Making a big deal out of it, even if he was being supportive, would only get Ben all worked up and miserable. If there were anything Seth hated, it was seeing his best friend miserable.
Ben’s eyes peeked out between his arm and his bangs and muttered, “It sucks.”
Seth snorted. Ben got off the desk chair and grabbed his backpack, settling next to Seth on the bed. For a minute, he was quiet, just twirling his pencil through his fingers and reading his American Lit worksheet. Then he made a frustrated sound and tapped Seth’s arm. Seth smiled slightly; Ben always tapped some part of the person he wanted to pay attention to him, even if they were already in the middle of a conversation. He rarely realized he was doing it. It drove Ben’s parents crazy, but Seth found it kind of charming. Of course, he usually found Ben’s quirks charming, and one that involved touching him was doubly enjoyable.
“I don’t understand the first question, Seth. What is she asking?”
Seth leaned over-perhaps a little farther than was strictly necessary, but Ben always smelled good-and read the worksheet for himself. “She wants to know what your impressions of Boo Radley are from this first chapter. You read it, right?”
Ben nodded, still frowning. “Took forever, but I did it. That’s kind of what made me decide to quit football; I didn’t finish until after ten, and I hadn’t done any of my other homework yet.”
For a moment, Seth studied his best friend’s tired, frustrated face and defeated posture. He took a deep breath and decided to distract him with his own news. “I guess since you told me something big,” he began nervously, “I should tell you my big secret. I told my parents yesterday, and I want you to know too. I just don’t want you to feel weird about it or anything.”
“Seth.” Ben’s voice was amused and incredulous as he rifled through his bag looking for his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. “I’m not sure what you think you can still shock me with. We’ve seen each other naked.” He looked over with a joking grin for a moment before returning his attention to his search.
“That’s why I’m worried,” Seth muttered under his breath. He debated for a moment trying to lead into it, giving some sort of background or something that might ease the bluntness of his declaration, but he didn’t think it would help. If Ben was going to freak out, he was going to freak out no matter how Seth phrased it.
“I’m gay.”
Ben stilled. “I probably should have seen that coming,” he said after a minute. “How’d your parents take it?”
Seth shrugged, more concerned with his best friend’s reaction. “Surprised. A little disappointed, much as my mom tried to pretend they weren’t. Mostly cool about it.”
Ben nodded, abandoning his search for his book and leaning back on the bed. He steepled his fingers over his chest while Seth tried to ignore the stretch of skin now exposed between the bottom of his t-shirt and his shorts. “How long have you known?”
“A while.” Seth shifted uncomfortably. “At least a year.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, you dork?” Ben punched him lightly in the side of the leg. “We’re best friends!”
Feeling his face flush, Seth looked down at his hands instead of at Ben’s too-attractive face. “I wasn’t sure at first, and I didn’t want to bring it up if it was going to make you feel weird or make things weird between us, and then I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
Ben rolled his eyes fondly. “So what made you realize?”
“Lots of things. Mostly there’s this guy…” Seth trailed off, not wanting to give himself away. Ben snickered.
“Reason number one I should have known you were gay: we’re seventeen years old, and you’ve never said a single word about a hot girl.” He glanced up slyly. “Are you going to tell me about this guy now?”
“No way.” Seth could not have been more adamant. “Hey, you’ve never talked about girls with me either, you know!”
“Yeah, I know.” Ben widened his eyes meaningfully. It took Seth a minute to catch on.
“Oh. Oh!” His heart had started beating wildly, but he didn’t let it show. The effort, however, rendered him incapable of speaking intelligibly for a few minutes.
“You’re the only person who knows,” his best friend told him shyly. “I’m afraid of what my parents will say. They’re not quite as open-minded as yours.”
Seth knew he was right. It was scary enough to figure out how to tell his parents, and he knew they would be all right with his sexuality. He didn’t envy Ben one bit. “How did you figure it out?” he asked curiously.
Ben raised his eyebrows. “Lots of things, but mostly there’s this guy.” He grinned at Seth, who had to work to return the grin convincingly. He had always known Ben would have crushes on other people, but knowing didn’t prepare him for finding out. And it was somehow easier when the hypothetical crushes were on people he could never be-like girls.
But then he looked back at his best friend, really looked, and saw how relaxed he had become stretched out on Seth’s bed, how happy he was, how easily the smile stretched across his face, and he remembered that tired, frustrated expression he’d seen a few minutes ago, and Seth was suddenly okay with the knowledge that even if he couldn’t make his best friend kiss him, he could at least make his best friend happy.