family sucks sometimes
it's official. my mother is only visiting for three days or so. technically four, but one day is taken up with meghan's baptism and party. and i'm really, really quite upset about it.
background: normally, i'd be thrilled if my insane mother was only planning to visit for three days. she is my insane mother, after all, and for those of you who may not remember all the drama my mother has caused in my life, i refer you to my family and therapy tags. suffice it to say, we do not have the healthiest relationship, and there have been many, many issues to work through over the years because of this.
if this were only about me, than yeah, three days would be my upmost max. we do well with three days. four is pushing it, five makes me want to plot her demise. but it's not about me, it's about meghan. my mother has this habit of putting all the responsibility and blame on others around her. it's never her fault if things don't work out, or we need to be more understanding, or it was because of other obligations. yes, jesse (my youngest brother) is in school, and dan (my stepfather) will be in alaska working. you know what? jesse is 10 yrs old. he can be alone for an hour or so at a time. my grandmother is staying at the house the week she and christian are gone, to be there for jesse and adam (my second-youngest brother, who is 23 and autistic. if she can't be there longer, christian (middle brother, 25) has watched the younger cousins numerous times, and driven them to/from school enough, that the aunts and uncles in town could help out. (but i'm convinced grandma would stay. she doesn't get to see jesse a whole ton and adam only needs someone to make sure he doesn't burn the house down cooking).
i had to listen to days of her crying on the phone because "it hurt" that my MIL was with meghan and she wasn't. i felt so much guilt from that. just buckets and buckets of guilt and blame. it wasn't my fault she couldn't be here. yes, i'd said it was silly for her to plan her trip around my due date because what if i were early/late. i suggested she wait til the baptism because i had to listen to a chorus of "but i'm never going to see her at thanksgiving or christmas or easter or her birthday..." every day for ages. i wanted her to have some special occasion to be here for. but if she really wanted this badly to spend time with her, why not fly out sooner to see who she needs/wants to see? i just feel it's hypocritical at best, and unfair to meghan at worst. i know she'll be leaving for home, and all i'll hear at o'hare is "but i only got three days with her..." it's HER CHOICE to only have three days with her. and then she'll fly home, after having spent a small fortune on her, spoiling her and buying her clothes and things, and cry and whine because of it, and i'll be the one hearing about it. it's not fair to me to have that laid on my shoulders, and it's not fair to meghan to grow up hearing that nonsense from 'mamaw harrington'. phone calls and skype sessions and cards and letters, all basically saying "mamaw wishes she could be there..." you know what? save the money, and come once a year. don't buy her presents, and use that money for a plane ticket. plan it into the annual family budget. megs will never, ever want for anything. she will have clothes and books and an education and food and yes, toys. she will be fine. i don't want her to think of her grandmother as someone who is never here, but buys expensive things. i want her to think of her grandmother as someone who isn't around often, but when she is, she cares. for my daughter's sake, yes, i can deal with my mother's addiction to pain meds, and her selfish refusal to admit to abusing us, and her rose-colored memories of the past that are completely inaccurate. i can let that nonsense go so meghan has a healthy, well-rounded home life. i want meghan to have the one thing i never had - a whole, happy family on BOTH sides of the family tree, and a wealth of unconditional love from those people fortunate enough to be in her life, blood relation or no. i don't want her to grow up with my mother using the same messed-up lack of responsibility she burdened us with.
i'm just hurt. not for my sake. for meghan's. bleh.
background: normally, i'd be thrilled if my insane mother was only planning to visit for three days. she is my insane mother, after all, and for those of you who may not remember all the drama my mother has caused in my life, i refer you to my family and therapy tags. suffice it to say, we do not have the healthiest relationship, and there have been many, many issues to work through over the years because of this.
if this were only about me, than yeah, three days would be my upmost max. we do well with three days. four is pushing it, five makes me want to plot her demise. but it's not about me, it's about meghan. my mother has this habit of putting all the responsibility and blame on others around her. it's never her fault if things don't work out, or we need to be more understanding, or it was because of other obligations. yes, jesse (my youngest brother) is in school, and dan (my stepfather) will be in alaska working. you know what? jesse is 10 yrs old. he can be alone for an hour or so at a time. my grandmother is staying at the house the week she and christian are gone, to be there for jesse and adam (my second-youngest brother, who is 23 and autistic. if she can't be there longer, christian (middle brother, 25) has watched the younger cousins numerous times, and driven them to/from school enough, that the aunts and uncles in town could help out. (but i'm convinced grandma would stay. she doesn't get to see jesse a whole ton and adam only needs someone to make sure he doesn't burn the house down cooking).
i had to listen to days of her crying on the phone because "it hurt" that my MIL was with meghan and she wasn't. i felt so much guilt from that. just buckets and buckets of guilt and blame. it wasn't my fault she couldn't be here. yes, i'd said it was silly for her to plan her trip around my due date because what if i were early/late. i suggested she wait til the baptism because i had to listen to a chorus of "but i'm never going to see her at thanksgiving or christmas or easter or her birthday..." every day for ages. i wanted her to have some special occasion to be here for. but if she really wanted this badly to spend time with her, why not fly out sooner to see who she needs/wants to see? i just feel it's hypocritical at best, and unfair to meghan at worst. i know she'll be leaving for home, and all i'll hear at o'hare is "but i only got three days with her..." it's HER CHOICE to only have three days with her. and then she'll fly home, after having spent a small fortune on her, spoiling her and buying her clothes and things, and cry and whine because of it, and i'll be the one hearing about it. it's not fair to me to have that laid on my shoulders, and it's not fair to meghan to grow up hearing that nonsense from 'mamaw harrington'. phone calls and skype sessions and cards and letters, all basically saying "mamaw wishes she could be there..." you know what? save the money, and come once a year. don't buy her presents, and use that money for a plane ticket. plan it into the annual family budget. megs will never, ever want for anything. she will have clothes and books and an education and food and yes, toys. she will be fine. i don't want her to think of her grandmother as someone who is never here, but buys expensive things. i want her to think of her grandmother as someone who isn't around often, but when she is, she cares. for my daughter's sake, yes, i can deal with my mother's addiction to pain meds, and her selfish refusal to admit to abusing us, and her rose-colored memories of the past that are completely inaccurate. i can let that nonsense go so meghan has a healthy, well-rounded home life. i want meghan to have the one thing i never had - a whole, happy family on BOTH sides of the family tree, and a wealth of unconditional love from those people fortunate enough to be in her life, blood relation or no. i don't want her to grow up with my mother using the same messed-up lack of responsibility she burdened us with.
i'm just hurt. not for my sake. for meghan's. bleh.