more anxiety around wrist pain from punching walls; eating disorders, the uzh(ual)
10/20/14
Was gonna journal but forgot it at home so time for my weekly overshare! O¿o;
3 things I'm grateful for: trees with warm-colored leaves; stoned-at-work social experiments resulting in knocking down serious anxiety walls/plateaus; spray paint.
One of, if not the hardest part about having an eating disorder (or any addiction really) is not shaming myself when I give in to the itch. I have to theorize that shame really just feeds the monster and makes it grow.
Subscribing to shame just seems to be a vital link in the vicious cycle of addiction and cravings. It's all about recognizing and interrupting the cycle; creating new neural pathways through forcing a new habit.
However, while shame and guilt often exacerbate it and cause me to weaken further, going full contrast and not caring at all seems to enable the behavior as well. I have not yet figured out the healthy balance. I need to find the right words that are disciplinary and acknowledge the slip-up as undesirable without making me feel any worse than I do. It needs to contain empathy and self-love to be effective for me.
My job is a huge enabler and it's quickly becoming a serious problem. This job was an escape; a temporary bandaid to let me run away for a while that has lasted longer than anticipated. I'm already burnt out on it, but now that my health is really at risk, I need to change this imminently. I'm slowly but surely giving myself an ulcer with my dietary choices working here (with excess of caffeine and shitty coffee consumption working such odd hours).
I am grateful for what it has given me - easy income with 'me time' for introspection, goofing off, creative expression, soul searching & goal setting, and new & challenging situations. What it's sacrificed, though: my social life, my wallet, my sleep quality, my health, my diet, and at times my sanity - not so worth it anymore.
~
I am anxious. Tomorrow (today) is a big day for me. I'm going to my first followup appointment after my wrist MRI. A self-inflicted injury that has plagued me with previously insurmountable shame, anger& rage, self-doubt, self-loathing, and at times depression. It's ruled my life and I've let it. Oh god I'm nervous about hearing what they found. I doubt it's even that bad but so many years of avoiding this leaves me with some intense stockpiled emotions around the subject. My hands are shaky thinking about it and I just got nauseated and dizzy overthinking it.*
*other factors include a belly full of junk food, an energy drink and no sleep but it certainly just amplified
It's certainly an illogical fear - this appointment will be nothing but empowering information. That's all. I choose what to do with it and I choose how to react. I've wanted this information for close to a decade. Why fear it so strongly that I avoid it?
The somewhat embarrassing truth is that on some level I like having the injury. I like the convenient excuse. I like the reason to beat myself up and hold myself back. This has been a hard realization to accept. The first person to offer this idea to me was one of my most offended, defensive, and angry moments. But it's true. So... Be it.
So yeah. I'm scared. I'm scared as shit. I know on an intellectual level it will be fine but I can't help but go to anxiety town and think they're going to strap me in a wheelchair when I get there. "We have to cut you open right now. There's no time to explain get in the car!! We just ran out of anesthetic and when I cut it your wrist will EXPLODE INTO THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS THAT WILL START BITING YOUR FACE. The only way to kill them is with fire so I recommend keeping your eyes closed. By the way your insurance doesn't cover this and we're gonna need that money by the end of the month... Hope you're left handed... SCALPEL!"
I digress - I'm going anyway and I will be fine. I am going to go half-jokingly wish my food issue was bullimia so I could throw up this poison I've consumed, then apologetically realize that's an insensitive thing to say and that my tooth enamel thinks otherwise. Just like I built up the anxiety around my actual MRI (which I ended up not disliking but actually enjoying), I know I'm riling myself up for nothing.
Thanks for reading my tl;dr embarrassingly vulnerable stream of consciousness. You go do your Monday thing and stuff. What three things are you grateful for today?
10/21/14
Wrist is fine. Nothing came up on MRI.
Three feels involved:
• embarassment: all this build up, anticipation
• relief: don't need surgery
• frustration: was sort of hoping for some resolution though
I guess it's just overuse/repetitive stress. Every single one of my hobbies involved repetitive stress and overusing my right hand. Writing, art, video games, making music, even just dancing I use my right hand a lot. Then there's the 8 hours a day spent on my phone. I could probably start there.
It's so. hard. to just let my right arm relax and not use it for anything. Even trying to read a book and turn pages just using one hand is a little troublesome. Better start watching more TV. Guess it's time for another fb break.
Was gonna journal but forgot it at home so time for my weekly overshare! O¿o;
3 things I'm grateful for: trees with warm-colored leaves; stoned-at-work social experiments resulting in knocking down serious anxiety walls/plateaus; spray paint.
One of, if not the hardest part about having an eating disorder (or any addiction really) is not shaming myself when I give in to the itch. I have to theorize that shame really just feeds the monster and makes it grow.
Subscribing to shame just seems to be a vital link in the vicious cycle of addiction and cravings. It's all about recognizing and interrupting the cycle; creating new neural pathways through forcing a new habit.
However, while shame and guilt often exacerbate it and cause me to weaken further, going full contrast and not caring at all seems to enable the behavior as well. I have not yet figured out the healthy balance. I need to find the right words that are disciplinary and acknowledge the slip-up as undesirable without making me feel any worse than I do. It needs to contain empathy and self-love to be effective for me.
My job is a huge enabler and it's quickly becoming a serious problem. This job was an escape; a temporary bandaid to let me run away for a while that has lasted longer than anticipated. I'm already burnt out on it, but now that my health is really at risk, I need to change this imminently. I'm slowly but surely giving myself an ulcer with my dietary choices working here (with excess of caffeine and shitty coffee consumption working such odd hours).
I am grateful for what it has given me - easy income with 'me time' for introspection, goofing off, creative expression, soul searching & goal setting, and new & challenging situations. What it's sacrificed, though: my social life, my wallet, my sleep quality, my health, my diet, and at times my sanity - not so worth it anymore.
~
I am anxious. Tomorrow (today) is a big day for me. I'm going to my first followup appointment after my wrist MRI. A self-inflicted injury that has plagued me with previously insurmountable shame, anger& rage, self-doubt, self-loathing, and at times depression. It's ruled my life and I've let it. Oh god I'm nervous about hearing what they found. I doubt it's even that bad but so many years of avoiding this leaves me with some intense stockpiled emotions around the subject. My hands are shaky thinking about it and I just got nauseated and dizzy overthinking it.*
*other factors include a belly full of junk food, an energy drink and no sleep but it certainly just amplified
It's certainly an illogical fear - this appointment will be nothing but empowering information. That's all. I choose what to do with it and I choose how to react. I've wanted this information for close to a decade. Why fear it so strongly that I avoid it?
The somewhat embarrassing truth is that on some level I like having the injury. I like the convenient excuse. I like the reason to beat myself up and hold myself back. This has been a hard realization to accept. The first person to offer this idea to me was one of my most offended, defensive, and angry moments. But it's true. So... Be it.
So yeah. I'm scared. I'm scared as shit. I know on an intellectual level it will be fine but I can't help but go to anxiety town and think they're going to strap me in a wheelchair when I get there. "We have to cut you open right now. There's no time to explain get in the car!! We just ran out of anesthetic and when I cut it your wrist will EXPLODE INTO THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS THAT WILL START BITING YOUR FACE. The only way to kill them is with fire so I recommend keeping your eyes closed. By the way your insurance doesn't cover this and we're gonna need that money by the end of the month... Hope you're left handed... SCALPEL!"
I digress - I'm going anyway and I will be fine. I am going to go half-jokingly wish my food issue was bullimia so I could throw up this poison I've consumed, then apologetically realize that's an insensitive thing to say and that my tooth enamel thinks otherwise. Just like I built up the anxiety around my actual MRI (which I ended up not disliking but actually enjoying), I know I'm riling myself up for nothing.
Thanks for reading my tl;dr embarrassingly vulnerable stream of consciousness. You go do your Monday thing and stuff. What three things are you grateful for today?
10/21/14
Wrist is fine. Nothing came up on MRI.
Three feels involved:
• embarassment: all this build up, anticipation
• relief: don't need surgery
• frustration: was sort of hoping for some resolution though
I guess it's just overuse/repetitive stress. Every single one of my hobbies involved repetitive stress and overusing my right hand. Writing, art, video games, making music, even just dancing I use my right hand a lot. Then there's the 8 hours a day spent on my phone. I could probably start there.
It's so. hard. to just let my right arm relax and not use it for anything. Even trying to read a book and turn pages just using one hand is a little troublesome. Better start watching more TV. Guess it's time for another fb break.