(no subject)
I feel like shit tonight. Before, I think I should go back a little.
Over all, today was pretty chill, I just lazed around watching a Kdrama, as well as listened to some Swan Queen stories on audio while playing Mah-Jong. I ate some ramen and had two cups of coffee before work, which had made my night go faster. I found out that in the past month and a half or two months, I have lost 15 lbs. This is due to being broke and starving half the time, so the Broke Bastard Diet (copyright forcoming) is not a recommended way to shed weight. Anyway, I got home and started listening to my favorite song on repeat and started thinking about Ash. A week and a half ago, she had given me her phone number out of the blue. I asked if she was okay, if she was drunk for surely she wouldn't be giving me her number if it wasn't some sort of emotional emergency or unless she was drunk as shit, but she said she was fine and sober. It was just so weird, since we never exchanged numbers when we were dating that 5 month span. I was wrecked for a little bit, since I still love Ash (though I never said those words to her), and wondered what it could mean. Again, no number when we were dating, but suddenly number, so it felt like a big deal for like oh five minutes. Once I got my crappy phone to start working, our texting was exactly how our Tumblr talk was online, so really, I don't know why she even bothered. Still, I find myself thinking of Ash, and as much as I keep fighting it, I keep hoping maybe she still likes me too. She's been hitting me up more, and we are talking more than we used to, and she is the one who initiates the conversaitons when she told me when we were dating that this was a difficult thing for her, so.... I just don't know. So I keep thinking about her, and I keep thinking about what I would say to her if ever there is a time she hints that she wants to get together again. I mean I would consider it, but I want to tell her that I loved her but the idea of me holding her hand seemed too much for her. I would tell her that I felt like I was in the relationship alone, that I felt I was doing most of the work and a lot of that was rebuffed, which hurt me every single time. She did that when we were friends and before we dated and the chase was kind of fun but it stopped being fun when we dated, I guess. I saw what passion from her looked like. I saw how she was when K had fucked her over. She was more passionate over that than I think she ever was the whole time we were together. So I was thinking that should it ever get to a point where she hints or says she wants to try again, I will ask her how we are going to make things different from last time. I will tell her that I NEED for it to be different, otherwise I can't do it again. The thing that is making me feel like crap is that I want that scenario to happen, but I have just let Ash hit me up when she will, and talk with her when she does. I have refrained from flirting or speaking past anything other than greetings, because I need to assume this is still me sided, and it is never going to happen again. I need to remember that these are IF scenarios only. I need to otherwise move on and remain Ash's friend.
Doesn't stop me feeling lonely though.
Erin
Over all, today was pretty chill, I just lazed around watching a Kdrama, as well as listened to some Swan Queen stories on audio while playing Mah-Jong. I ate some ramen and had two cups of coffee before work, which had made my night go faster. I found out that in the past month and a half or two months, I have lost 15 lbs. This is due to being broke and starving half the time, so the Broke Bastard Diet (copyright forcoming) is not a recommended way to shed weight. Anyway, I got home and started listening to my favorite song on repeat and started thinking about Ash. A week and a half ago, she had given me her phone number out of the blue. I asked if she was okay, if she was drunk for surely she wouldn't be giving me her number if it wasn't some sort of emotional emergency or unless she was drunk as shit, but she said she was fine and sober. It was just so weird, since we never exchanged numbers when we were dating that 5 month span. I was wrecked for a little bit, since I still love Ash (though I never said those words to her), and wondered what it could mean. Again, no number when we were dating, but suddenly number, so it felt like a big deal for like oh five minutes. Once I got my crappy phone to start working, our texting was exactly how our Tumblr talk was online, so really, I don't know why she even bothered. Still, I find myself thinking of Ash, and as much as I keep fighting it, I keep hoping maybe she still likes me too. She's been hitting me up more, and we are talking more than we used to, and she is the one who initiates the conversaitons when she told me when we were dating that this was a difficult thing for her, so.... I just don't know. So I keep thinking about her, and I keep thinking about what I would say to her if ever there is a time she hints that she wants to get together again. I mean I would consider it, but I want to tell her that I loved her but the idea of me holding her hand seemed too much for her. I would tell her that I felt like I was in the relationship alone, that I felt I was doing most of the work and a lot of that was rebuffed, which hurt me every single time. She did that when we were friends and before we dated and the chase was kind of fun but it stopped being fun when we dated, I guess. I saw what passion from her looked like. I saw how she was when K had fucked her over. She was more passionate over that than I think she ever was the whole time we were together. So I was thinking that should it ever get to a point where she hints or says she wants to try again, I will ask her how we are going to make things different from last time. I will tell her that I NEED for it to be different, otherwise I can't do it again. The thing that is making me feel like crap is that I want that scenario to happen, but I have just let Ash hit me up when she will, and talk with her when she does. I have refrained from flirting or speaking past anything other than greetings, because I need to assume this is still me sided, and it is never going to happen again. I need to remember that these are IF scenarios only. I need to otherwise move on and remain Ash's friend.
Doesn't stop me feeling lonely though.
Erin