(no subject)
Freaky Paul and I are still kinda off. It felt a little less awkward today but I still don't feel comfortable.
He text me saying he was having issues with Marie again. He called and we talked…well no, I shouted and he listened heh (I tend to do that).
Tis in one ear and out the other, as always *sighs loudly* but still…that’s just him and it’s quite cute really. Nobody ever expects their advice to be taken anyway; only the arrogant and the stupid heh. Though it could be said that I am both those things even I know not to expect too much.
...But I hate that he doesn't feel comfortable in telling me what’s going on with him now. I know he feels like he bugs me with it. And I know it’s my fault, but I don't see it that way. I care about him and I want to know what goes on in his life. I'd rather him tell me…but I just *wish* I could react in a better way than getting angry at him. It’s not fair on him…he doesn't need or deserve me getting pissed off at him all the time. More so coz he is constantly feeling low about his own issues and I have no right to get moody…its nothing to do with me anyway. Its just I hate seeing him hurt…and I’m not sure how to handle it. It hurts to know he is down and my defence mechanism makes me lash out rather than get upset. I’m not trying to excuse the fact I’m obviously a shit “friend” if you can call me that…I’m just trying to explain. Sure if he were around the corner I'd give him a hug or I dunno…take him out and cheer him up with much alcohol in an attempt to bump into a girl that you never know, could turn out to be just perfect for him. But instead I'm left just getting angry at him for putting himself in this position again. Half the time I think he deserves all the crap that gets thrown his way coz he puts up with it. He refuses to learn his lesson and that’s his own fault…I should just shut my trap and let him get on with it.
I suck…I know. :o\
Its just...this girl must be…wow, a flawless diamond.
And you know what, that is all he deserves. I totally think he deserves a god damn angel, though I'd be over the moon for him if he found someone that would love him as much as he loved them. But this girl is just playing with his heart as a pass time…then she has the cheek to cry and give him the impression that she might think he is using her! Is that not just a fucking joke? HIM using HER...oh my god...let me just go over that again…HIM using HER!!! We spent like 3 hours on the phone the other week going over what he might have done to give her that impression…
He would walk to the ends of the earth and throw himself off if it would make her happy and he has shown her time and time again! Yet, some how she thinks that he happens to be the one who is taking the piss? And he is agreeing with her!! Lol…I'm not even joking. I've never known anyone to be as selfless as he is with her but somehow that’s not enough. And you know, for a while I thought that he was wrong; and that if he would just put a bit of effort into trying to find someone new then it might be better for him…but that’s bull. Coz as he’s said so many times…He’d be with someone else but always want her. And that would be just as unhealthy for him as what he is putting himself through now. Meh…what do I know anyway?
You know…if someone punched him in the face every time this girl had played on his heart he may have noticed that the scars from this are deeper than he thinks. He'd also be like...Jesus, quit punching me in the fucking face!
But because its allllllllll emotional he'll allow himself to be tortured over and over. You know the song...the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care? Heh low self esteem…and it winds me up coz he has NO reason to have low self esteem. The guy is a total dude…he has everything going for him and the only flaw I can think of is…heh him having low self esteem. So it’s a big catch 22. Until he realises how much he rocks he'll go on like this and it’s not fair coz he's *amazing* but has no idea. He hides his insecurities behind an air of confidence that is so easily broken. Heh I mean I remember a couple of yrs ago when he would sit there and try and to convince me that he was a player…which was funny and sweet coz it was as obvious back then as it is now...he just wants someone to love him. Only difference is that “someone” is Marie…and she doesn’t.
He’s going to love her for the rest of his life…and I don’t know if he’ll ever really get over this.
The way I look at relationships is that you should feel like you make a unit…you were cool as individuals but as a unit you rock baby coz you’re both in awe of each other. It should be like nothing else really matters coz they make your world brighter. And okay that doesn't last forever and it is hard work…but that’s another story for another day.
It’s about you bouncing off each other…almost like a comedy double act if you will, without one the other just wouldn't be quite as funny. But I know with Marie…he would fade away into just being grateful for her LETTING him love her. He'd forget what it feels like to be loved back…as long as she was around that’s enough. But its not…he deserves more than that. He always argues that she is the only light in his life…and you know something, that would fucking rock if she actually gave a flying fuck. It’s like he is never too sure where he stands. It’s so basic…treat em mean keep em keen. If you someone loves you, and you make them feel like shit…like they are making mistakes and doing things that displease you *most* of the time but then give them a wee bit of affection later they'll appreciate that affection so much more. It’s similar to beaten wife syndrome…but he gets pissed off with me when I say that. It doesn’t make it untrue though.
I go through phases of just wanting to ask this lass what the hell she thinks she is doing (with the possibility of a slap thrown in) and then sometimes I just want to tell her to open her eyes…she should feel honoured to have someone like him love her. So many girls spend their whole lives looking for someone half the man he is. And if she would just let things flow instead of playing these stupid games I'm sure they could be great together…she must have something going for her for him to think so highly of her. And yeah…fair enough, I understand if you don’t love someone then it’s not fair to be pushed into it, but if that is the case you do not continue to sleep with that person only to pull them up and knock them to their knees again. And I’m scared he’s gonna get comfortable in this state of being hurt all the time and he’ll never end the cycle.
Okay I’m getting all rantish now…and none of you know him so to you it doesn't matter…but this guy is one of my closest friends and you totally don't understand how awesome he is…he deserves the best.
I'm totally gonna hold auditions for his future girlfriend. I'll give you marks out of ten and the 3 highest scores will get to talk to him. If he likes you then cool but if not I'll burn you with a paint stripper. Is that a deal?! lol
This is alllllllllllll academic coz he is totally smitten and *nobody* else would measure up. Which is quite sad coz he's gonna be dropped in a second when she finds someone "better". Though, of course nobody has the balls to admit that. Joke of the matter is there isn’t “better”. Even if they did the whole couple thing, which like I said could be great for a while…their days would be marked from day one…though he’d never know that coz he takes what people say at word value. Which is cool I guess…but very few people say what they *really* think and those that do often suffer for it.
Want to go on a mission to find him someone that rocks…know anyone? lol
Okay I'm coming across as all psycho which wasn't my intention...Tis his life so I think I just need to go back to my not giving a shit about anything attitude. *THIS* is exactly why I don't like letting people get too close…I'll never learn.
...Just…He never judges, he loves wholeheartedly (Which is rare these days), he blindly believes peoples. Heh He reminds me of a child in some ways…The way he sees the good in people and ignores the bad…heh and some of us have more bad than good so I for 1 am grateful for that. He never just gives up on people…I’d have given up on Men all together if someone treated me the way he gets treated. But I’m a quitter. I really admire him…and I guess that makes him 1 of a kind but whatever he is…I’m proud to call him my friend…I just hope he finds happiness…Know what I mean? No…neither do I. I'm probably talking shit. I just hope he gets his girl…and keeps her heh.
But this shows just how much the whole situation winds me up…This whole rant has come from one conversation…Well, kinda…we had a row about it the other day and he said he wouldn’t come to me about it anymore if I felt so strongly…since then we have hardly talked…till a day or so ago. I’m happy we made up…just wish I’d never opened my mouth in the first place. Doubt he’ll feel comfortable to open up probably for a long while. We only ever argue about this subject…Jesus, I need to lighten up. I’m such a crappy friend to him…I should be supportive rather than making him feel worse. Maybe I should just not talk to him anymore?…not being around at all would probably be much better than me always having a go at him…I’m just making a bigger dent in his self esteem by telling him he’s a mug. Meh…But even though deep down I know he really only ever comes to me to vent, we actually get okay when things are calm between us. And I’d miss him if he wasn’t in my life. I guess that makes me a shit person too huh? Too selfish to leave him be to make his own choices. Meh
Anyway…I'm going out tonight and Dove wants me to dye his hair before we go…I better get a move on or he’ll throw a fit…a blonde fit, but still heh. This whole thing does remind me how lucky I am to have Dove…I know we have our ups and downs but thank you for always being there. xXx
He text me saying he was having issues with Marie again. He called and we talked…well no, I shouted and he listened heh (I tend to do that).
Tis in one ear and out the other, as always *sighs loudly* but still…that’s just him and it’s quite cute really. Nobody ever expects their advice to be taken anyway; only the arrogant and the stupid heh. Though it could be said that I am both those things even I know not to expect too much.
...But I hate that he doesn't feel comfortable in telling me what’s going on with him now. I know he feels like he bugs me with it. And I know it’s my fault, but I don't see it that way. I care about him and I want to know what goes on in his life. I'd rather him tell me…but I just *wish* I could react in a better way than getting angry at him. It’s not fair on him…he doesn't need or deserve me getting pissed off at him all the time. More so coz he is constantly feeling low about his own issues and I have no right to get moody…its nothing to do with me anyway. Its just I hate seeing him hurt…and I’m not sure how to handle it. It hurts to know he is down and my defence mechanism makes me lash out rather than get upset. I’m not trying to excuse the fact I’m obviously a shit “friend” if you can call me that…I’m just trying to explain. Sure if he were around the corner I'd give him a hug or I dunno…take him out and cheer him up with much alcohol in an attempt to bump into a girl that you never know, could turn out to be just perfect for him. But instead I'm left just getting angry at him for putting himself in this position again. Half the time I think he deserves all the crap that gets thrown his way coz he puts up with it. He refuses to learn his lesson and that’s his own fault…I should just shut my trap and let him get on with it.
I suck…I know. :o\
Its just...this girl must be…wow, a flawless diamond.
And you know what, that is all he deserves. I totally think he deserves a god damn angel, though I'd be over the moon for him if he found someone that would love him as much as he loved them. But this girl is just playing with his heart as a pass time…then she has the cheek to cry and give him the impression that she might think he is using her! Is that not just a fucking joke? HIM using HER...oh my god...let me just go over that again…HIM using HER!!! We spent like 3 hours on the phone the other week going over what he might have done to give her that impression…
He would walk to the ends of the earth and throw himself off if it would make her happy and he has shown her time and time again! Yet, some how she thinks that he happens to be the one who is taking the piss? And he is agreeing with her!! Lol…I'm not even joking. I've never known anyone to be as selfless as he is with her but somehow that’s not enough. And you know, for a while I thought that he was wrong; and that if he would just put a bit of effort into trying to find someone new then it might be better for him…but that’s bull. Coz as he’s said so many times…He’d be with someone else but always want her. And that would be just as unhealthy for him as what he is putting himself through now. Meh…what do I know anyway?
You know…if someone punched him in the face every time this girl had played on his heart he may have noticed that the scars from this are deeper than he thinks. He'd also be like...Jesus, quit punching me in the fucking face!
But because its allllllllll emotional he'll allow himself to be tortured over and over. You know the song...the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care? Heh low self esteem…and it winds me up coz he has NO reason to have low self esteem. The guy is a total dude…he has everything going for him and the only flaw I can think of is…heh him having low self esteem. So it’s a big catch 22. Until he realises how much he rocks he'll go on like this and it’s not fair coz he's *amazing* but has no idea. He hides his insecurities behind an air of confidence that is so easily broken. Heh I mean I remember a couple of yrs ago when he would sit there and try and to convince me that he was a player…which was funny and sweet coz it was as obvious back then as it is now...he just wants someone to love him. Only difference is that “someone” is Marie…and she doesn’t.
He’s going to love her for the rest of his life…and I don’t know if he’ll ever really get over this.
The way I look at relationships is that you should feel like you make a unit…you were cool as individuals but as a unit you rock baby coz you’re both in awe of each other. It should be like nothing else really matters coz they make your world brighter. And okay that doesn't last forever and it is hard work…but that’s another story for another day.
It’s about you bouncing off each other…almost like a comedy double act if you will, without one the other just wouldn't be quite as funny. But I know with Marie…he would fade away into just being grateful for her LETTING him love her. He'd forget what it feels like to be loved back…as long as she was around that’s enough. But its not…he deserves more than that. He always argues that she is the only light in his life…and you know something, that would fucking rock if she actually gave a flying fuck. It’s like he is never too sure where he stands. It’s so basic…treat em mean keep em keen. If you someone loves you, and you make them feel like shit…like they are making mistakes and doing things that displease you *most* of the time but then give them a wee bit of affection later they'll appreciate that affection so much more. It’s similar to beaten wife syndrome…but he gets pissed off with me when I say that. It doesn’t make it untrue though.
I go through phases of just wanting to ask this lass what the hell she thinks she is doing (with the possibility of a slap thrown in) and then sometimes I just want to tell her to open her eyes…she should feel honoured to have someone like him love her. So many girls spend their whole lives looking for someone half the man he is. And if she would just let things flow instead of playing these stupid games I'm sure they could be great together…she must have something going for her for him to think so highly of her. And yeah…fair enough, I understand if you don’t love someone then it’s not fair to be pushed into it, but if that is the case you do not continue to sleep with that person only to pull them up and knock them to their knees again. And I’m scared he’s gonna get comfortable in this state of being hurt all the time and he’ll never end the cycle.
Okay I’m getting all rantish now…and none of you know him so to you it doesn't matter…but this guy is one of my closest friends and you totally don't understand how awesome he is…he deserves the best.
I'm totally gonna hold auditions for his future girlfriend. I'll give you marks out of ten and the 3 highest scores will get to talk to him. If he likes you then cool but if not I'll burn you with a paint stripper. Is that a deal?! lol
This is alllllllllllll academic coz he is totally smitten and *nobody* else would measure up. Which is quite sad coz he's gonna be dropped in a second when she finds someone "better". Though, of course nobody has the balls to admit that. Joke of the matter is there isn’t “better”. Even if they did the whole couple thing, which like I said could be great for a while…their days would be marked from day one…though he’d never know that coz he takes what people say at word value. Which is cool I guess…but very few people say what they *really* think and those that do often suffer for it.
Want to go on a mission to find him someone that rocks…know anyone? lol
Okay I'm coming across as all psycho which wasn't my intention...Tis his life so I think I just need to go back to my not giving a shit about anything attitude. *THIS* is exactly why I don't like letting people get too close…I'll never learn.
...Just…He never judges, he loves wholeheartedly (Which is rare these days), he blindly believes peoples. Heh He reminds me of a child in some ways…The way he sees the good in people and ignores the bad…heh and some of us have more bad than good so I for 1 am grateful for that. He never just gives up on people…I’d have given up on Men all together if someone treated me the way he gets treated. But I’m a quitter. I really admire him…and I guess that makes him 1 of a kind but whatever he is…I’m proud to call him my friend…I just hope he finds happiness…Know what I mean? No…neither do I. I'm probably talking shit. I just hope he gets his girl…and keeps her heh.
But this shows just how much the whole situation winds me up…This whole rant has come from one conversation…Well, kinda…we had a row about it the other day and he said he wouldn’t come to me about it anymore if I felt so strongly…since then we have hardly talked…till a day or so ago. I’m happy we made up…just wish I’d never opened my mouth in the first place. Doubt he’ll feel comfortable to open up probably for a long while. We only ever argue about this subject…Jesus, I need to lighten up. I’m such a crappy friend to him…I should be supportive rather than making him feel worse. Maybe I should just not talk to him anymore?…not being around at all would probably be much better than me always having a go at him…I’m just making a bigger dent in his self esteem by telling him he’s a mug. Meh…But even though deep down I know he really only ever comes to me to vent, we actually get okay when things are calm between us. And I’d miss him if he wasn’t in my life. I guess that makes me a shit person too huh? Too selfish to leave him be to make his own choices. Meh
Anyway…I'm going out tonight and Dove wants me to dye his hair before we go…I better get a move on or he’ll throw a fit…a blonde fit, but still heh. This whole thing does remind me how lucky I am to have Dove…I know we have our ups and downs but thank you for always being there. xXx