(no subject)
Ugh...I needed to talk to Freaky Paul about our friendship..i had everything i wanted to say planned and it all made sense. I was gonna call him when he finished work today.
But then last night i got pretty high and he called me. It didn't go as planned..
See I love Freaky Paul to pieces, i've known him close to 4 yrs now..and though because of what went on between him and Wind i didn't really take to him too well, at some point things changed and we became really close..we have been ever since.
A yr ago he started a new job and met a woman called Marie. In the last 5 months they have become close. Thing is..he loves her, like head over heals kind of love. But..she doesn't love him, she has done nothing but mess him around from day 1. She plays games that just don't need to be played and hurts him time and time again. Now i know that in my past i haven't been an angel..and i've crushed people with a smile on my face, but within everything there is a code of conduct but she lives by none. Every couple of days she leads him on..then drops him and i can't pick up the pieces.
But he is so blind to what she does...its like he has beaten wife syndrome..he acts like its his fault for making her treat him like shit.
Anyway...I don't really like seeing people i care about hurt..i don't like seeing them in difficulty. So yeah..night after night i try my best to pick him up, brush him down..and i suck at it, I'm NO help. But then he calls me and tells me that they are going for dinner or something..and i hate it. i KNOW that the day after i'm gonna get a call from him sounding like his 15yr dog has just died or something. And it hurts..i hate seeing him like that.
I warn him..and he promises me that he has listened and that he wont go down that road but he ALWAYS does and then we are back to square one. She has to know what she is doing to him..
I feel like i absorb it half the time. Its so often now its getting harder and when i feel how hurt he is i get angry because i can't control any of it.
See when i'm hurt i get angry...if i can't fix the cause i either walk away from it or destroy it. I would NEVER endure what he has had to endure.
I'll forgive most people for most things..But it would take a really arrogant person to think they can toy with my emotions..and they'd learn quickly that whoops..they made a mistake.
But time and time again he goes back and there is NOTHING i can do about it.
So when he gets hurt..i feel hurt and i can't even protect myself because i can't stand seeing him in pain. Where i'd say "fuck this for a lark" he says..."she's an angel and i ain't ever gonna consider not being friends with her because she means everything to me" BE friends..coz the couple isn't gonna happen but why does nobody else see this?
So yeah...This weekend he went to meet her family. Even though she said she didn't want to be with him..they're just friends remember. She took him to another city to meet her family :o\
She took a man she knew was in love with her to meet her parents, they planned out what he was to wear...introduced him, shared her room with him, shared her bed with him..in her parents house. Now maybe i'm way off here...but i get the feeling she wanted her family to think she had a boyfriend..coz you can bet your ass you can see how he feels about her just from the way her looks at her. Why is he such a sap?
So anyway...she cuddles up to him in bed and being a man..his hands wander and she tells him that she doesn't want him.
They are just friends. Okay...fine, cuddle friends if you want..but cuddle a guy that wants you more than anything in the world while in bed?
Why would you do that to him? That would do nothing but fuck with his head..
On sunday he calls me..tells me what happened and sounds like the world is about to end..i felt horrid..I got in a huge hissy fit about it and Dove even said he would go and collect him if he was down.
I just think the whole relationship is really fucked up..i mean me and dove aren't exactly conventional but there is at least a base.
I saw the guy that tried to rape me on Sunday and i really wanted to talk about it...couldn't really with Dove coz he gets really aggressive about stuff like that but i didn't even want to tell Paul coz he was having such a bad time and i really doesn't need anymore shit. So i had a chat with James about it..there was no point in telling the police..he was gone so quickly..
So anyway...back to the point..i got my little speech ready to say that i can't take it anymore. But when he called last night he sounded on top of the world...coz on Sunday night they were back in bed..and she was all over him. He was beaming...well i flipped. Lol
I felt crap all of sunday coz i kept thinking of him being stuck at her parents house when he was so hurt..him texting me saying that he knows he cant go on like this and stuff. Then to hear him so happy to be back at square one...square fucking one...so yeah, i did just *flip* out.
Went off on one about how i can't understand how anyone can be as *stupid*..and that i'm not gonna be a part of this anymore because he is just a fool. I was like...If you ever need anything..if your running from the police, if you need time out..anything, my door is always open to you. But as far as that woman goes..i don't want to hear another god damn word. After my long..stoned rant he sounded broken...i felt horrid and he just said that he wouldn't talk about it at all if thats the way i felt..and that he needed sleep and went straight away.
Anyway..he is now gonna give me some space coz i said i wanted a break. I really think this could either make or break us. I don't know how he is feeling about what i said...and if he isn't too fussed about it then i guess that says everything. If he thinks about it and decides that we can work out something..cool...but i'm *really* not sure if that'll happen..coz to be fair i'm not a part of his world so i could understand it being easier for him to walk..its not like he needs me to flip out and stuff.
Ugh...Its just he is such a nice guy..he deserves so much better. But at this rate he'll never get it coz he'll spend half his life chasing a girl that is playing games until she can find someone she considers worthy.
Its not that i don't want him to talk to me...its just i'm finding this so hard. And i get so angry with him..i know i shouldn't but its like why wont he learn? I understand that he loves her..but she obviously doesn't love him...he is such a sap sometimes.
Right...sorry, big rant. I'm going
x
But then last night i got pretty high and he called me. It didn't go as planned..
See I love Freaky Paul to pieces, i've known him close to 4 yrs now..and though because of what went on between him and Wind i didn't really take to him too well, at some point things changed and we became really close..we have been ever since.
A yr ago he started a new job and met a woman called Marie. In the last 5 months they have become close. Thing is..he loves her, like head over heals kind of love. But..she doesn't love him, she has done nothing but mess him around from day 1. She plays games that just don't need to be played and hurts him time and time again. Now i know that in my past i haven't been an angel..and i've crushed people with a smile on my face, but within everything there is a code of conduct but she lives by none. Every couple of days she leads him on..then drops him and i can't pick up the pieces.
But he is so blind to what she does...its like he has beaten wife syndrome..he acts like its his fault for making her treat him like shit.
Anyway...I don't really like seeing people i care about hurt..i don't like seeing them in difficulty. So yeah..night after night i try my best to pick him up, brush him down..and i suck at it, I'm NO help. But then he calls me and tells me that they are going for dinner or something..and i hate it. i KNOW that the day after i'm gonna get a call from him sounding like his 15yr dog has just died or something. And it hurts..i hate seeing him like that.
I warn him..and he promises me that he has listened and that he wont go down that road but he ALWAYS does and then we are back to square one. She has to know what she is doing to him..
I feel like i absorb it half the time. Its so often now its getting harder and when i feel how hurt he is i get angry because i can't control any of it.
See when i'm hurt i get angry...if i can't fix the cause i either walk away from it or destroy it. I would NEVER endure what he has had to endure.
I'll forgive most people for most things..But it would take a really arrogant person to think they can toy with my emotions..and they'd learn quickly that whoops..they made a mistake.
But time and time again he goes back and there is NOTHING i can do about it.
So when he gets hurt..i feel hurt and i can't even protect myself because i can't stand seeing him in pain. Where i'd say "fuck this for a lark" he says..."she's an angel and i ain't ever gonna consider not being friends with her because she means everything to me" BE friends..coz the couple isn't gonna happen but why does nobody else see this?
So yeah...This weekend he went to meet her family. Even though she said she didn't want to be with him..they're just friends remember. She took him to another city to meet her family :o\
She took a man she knew was in love with her to meet her parents, they planned out what he was to wear...introduced him, shared her room with him, shared her bed with him..in her parents house. Now maybe i'm way off here...but i get the feeling she wanted her family to think she had a boyfriend..coz you can bet your ass you can see how he feels about her just from the way her looks at her. Why is he such a sap?
So anyway...she cuddles up to him in bed and being a man..his hands wander and she tells him that she doesn't want him.
They are just friends. Okay...fine, cuddle friends if you want..but cuddle a guy that wants you more than anything in the world while in bed?
Why would you do that to him? That would do nothing but fuck with his head..
On sunday he calls me..tells me what happened and sounds like the world is about to end..i felt horrid..I got in a huge hissy fit about it and Dove even said he would go and collect him if he was down.
I just think the whole relationship is really fucked up..i mean me and dove aren't exactly conventional but there is at least a base.
I saw the guy that tried to rape me on Sunday and i really wanted to talk about it...couldn't really with Dove coz he gets really aggressive about stuff like that but i didn't even want to tell Paul coz he was having such a bad time and i really doesn't need anymore shit. So i had a chat with James about it..there was no point in telling the police..he was gone so quickly..
So anyway...back to the point..i got my little speech ready to say that i can't take it anymore. But when he called last night he sounded on top of the world...coz on Sunday night they were back in bed..and she was all over him. He was beaming...well i flipped. Lol
I felt crap all of sunday coz i kept thinking of him being stuck at her parents house when he was so hurt..him texting me saying that he knows he cant go on like this and stuff. Then to hear him so happy to be back at square one...square fucking one...so yeah, i did just *flip* out.
Went off on one about how i can't understand how anyone can be as *stupid*..and that i'm not gonna be a part of this anymore because he is just a fool. I was like...If you ever need anything..if your running from the police, if you need time out..anything, my door is always open to you. But as far as that woman goes..i don't want to hear another god damn word. After my long..stoned rant he sounded broken...i felt horrid and he just said that he wouldn't talk about it at all if thats the way i felt..and that he needed sleep and went straight away.
Anyway..he is now gonna give me some space coz i said i wanted a break. I really think this could either make or break us. I don't know how he is feeling about what i said...and if he isn't too fussed about it then i guess that says everything. If he thinks about it and decides that we can work out something..cool...but i'm *really* not sure if that'll happen..coz to be fair i'm not a part of his world so i could understand it being easier for him to walk..its not like he needs me to flip out and stuff.
Ugh...Its just he is such a nice guy..he deserves so much better. But at this rate he'll never get it coz he'll spend half his life chasing a girl that is playing games until she can find someone she considers worthy.
Its not that i don't want him to talk to me...its just i'm finding this so hard. And i get so angry with him..i know i shouldn't but its like why wont he learn? I understand that he loves her..but she obviously doesn't love him...he is such a sap sometimes.
Right...sorry, big rant. I'm going
x