My skin cracks and peals, but I don’t burn to ash… [fairytales_over]
I remember everything…I remember it like it was yesterday.
“Ms. McLay?” The voice was calm and soothing to my ears but everything felt like it was moving slow and heavy, like I was moving in honey or molasses.
“Y…yes?” I blinked and cleared my vision as best I could, my body was stiff and I felt chilled.
“I’m Lindsey, Lindsey McDonald.” He wrapped a blanket around me, my eyes going wide when I realized that I was naked in front of a man I’d never met before. My mind started to spin full of confusion.
“W-what’s going….what happened? I…” My voice was raw and hoarse, it sounded so strained. I swallowed hard and felt my teeth chatter from the cold, pulling it tighter around me. My skin felt so cold, I’ve never felt like this. “Who are you?”
“Your new boss.” He spoke simply and there was something that flickered in his eyes like he was sorry for everything. I couldn’t place it and my mind had too many questions to ask him something as trivial and unimportant as that.
“I…” I began but his words cut me off, his hand on the small of my back and trying to guide me away from the door that I was standing in front of.
“I know. You don’t understand. It’s ok, just follow me.” I nodded and let him lead me down the quiet hall, it was lined with doors and I lost count after about ten. They all had small windows that were closed over and numbers under the windows. It looked like a storage locker and it raised more questions in my mind.
I followed him quietly up to what I have to assume was his office and kept the blanket tight around me, desperate to ask him for clothes; but the desire for an explanation as to what was going on was louder then my modesty. I curled up in the chair in front of his desk, feeling exposed and desperate to hide. My muscles felt sore and my body just ached inside.
“Can I get you anything?”
“Answers.” I spoke quickly, not really minding my words or my tone. I was scared and angry; the feeling of helplessness was starting to creep up my spine and that pushed me towards angry even more. I just wanted to know what happened. The last thing I remember before seeing this man was being in Willow’s room in Sunnydale making small talk and planning on making pancakes for breakfast.
He sighed and sat in the chair across from me, his face tense and his voice low. “This won’t be easy to handle.” He paused and met my eyes. “But I’ll tell you everything you need to know…”
That was nearly three months ago. It feels like forever and yesterday all in the same breath. But I’ve learned to live with the choice that was made for me, my new place in life.
I am bound to this firm - Wolfram and Hart - until an undetermined amount of time. I am to work along side Lindsey McDonald and assist him with anything he needs done in the office. Spells are to be done without question or second guessing. I exist because they - the Senior Partners - see fit, nothing more keeps me here.
The betrayal of it all is something that I’ve had to learn to deal with, a bitter pill to swallow. It still makes everything inside me shake down to the very fiber of my being; everything I’ve ever known feels like a lie.
It has taken me months - three or so, I’ve lost track of time really - to stop the habit I have of staring at the scar on my chest that pulled at my skin just above my heart. To look at it and wonder if my heart still held the bullet that killed me. I would hold my breath and I could almost feel my heart sink every time I didn’t get dizzy or my body gasp for air. Air represented life…something that I no longer had.
Slowly I’ve started to accept who - and what - I now was. I’ve adjusted to knowing that Sunnydale is no longer, Willow’s moved on with her life and even though my friends aren’t too far away I never see them I make sure that our path’s don’t cross. I’m not sure if I’m ready to face them or if I’ll ever be. Even if Buffy’s ex’s evil half - Angelus - is running the place that I’m now bound to.
Every plausible effort has been made - although not always successful - to keep away from Angelus and off his radar. I don’t want him to test the theory that I could be drained and still function. I am beginning to think that Lindsey feels just about as uneasy around him as I do, which calms me a bit because I know he’ll never put me in his path if it can be avoided.
I’m bound to this firm and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, I’ve tried and I’ve even gone so far as to beg Mr. McDonald - Lindsey as he insists I call him - to find a way. But I’m here, bound to a place that makes my skin crawl and stands against everything I’ve ever held good and dear to my heart.
Then again knowing that I’m bound here - and how that came to pass - makes me wonder about everything that I’ve grown up and lived my life believing. I’m not sure what to believe in or who to believe. I’ve lost my way with no direction.
This itch under my skin to feel has started to overtake me, everything inside me is screaming for something; for some sort of emotion. At first after Lindsey told me everything - or well everything he saw that I could handle at the moment - I tried everything to feel. I bled with no pain. The blood slowly fell to the floor from the wound I made; causing me to blink a few times and wonder if I was actually cut. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t feel pain, I didn’t… I felt…
Nothing.
My heart didn’t beat, I had no pulse and I didn’t feel warm although my skin was warm to the touch. Everything about me, everything that stared back from the mirror felt fake and hollow. Like everything was just some glamour, a pretty little lie to add onto everything else.
Another wound for me to bleed from. It was just another betrayal.
From the office gossip it turns out that I’m somewhat lucky in a way to end up with the boss I have. Some others have been known to be… unpleasant. Outright cruel some say.
Lindsey is nice to be around, someone I might consider a friend if I knew I could have such luxuries in this new life. I might even consider it if I still had a heartbeat.
I can’t think of such things right now. My life and free will are gone; I have nothing more to offer this world. The only thing that I have of use is what I can do for this firm and as long as that keeps me unharmed - and those I love - then I will do it with minimal struggle.
Sighing deeply I run my fingers through my hair and out of my thoughts, my eyes staring unblinking at the copy machine as I copy some legal papers for Mr. McDonald to sign before I head back to his office to type up some paperwork he left me on his desk. At least there I could hide out and listen to the country music he kept hidden in his office.
“Ms. McLay?” The voice was calm and soothing to my ears but everything felt like it was moving slow and heavy, like I was moving in honey or molasses.
“Y…yes?” I blinked and cleared my vision as best I could, my body was stiff and I felt chilled.
“I’m Lindsey, Lindsey McDonald.” He wrapped a blanket around me, my eyes going wide when I realized that I was naked in front of a man I’d never met before. My mind started to spin full of confusion.
“W-what’s going….what happened? I…” My voice was raw and hoarse, it sounded so strained. I swallowed hard and felt my teeth chatter from the cold, pulling it tighter around me. My skin felt so cold, I’ve never felt like this. “Who are you?”
“Your new boss.” He spoke simply and there was something that flickered in his eyes like he was sorry for everything. I couldn’t place it and my mind had too many questions to ask him something as trivial and unimportant as that.
“I…” I began but his words cut me off, his hand on the small of my back and trying to guide me away from the door that I was standing in front of.
“I know. You don’t understand. It’s ok, just follow me.” I nodded and let him lead me down the quiet hall, it was lined with doors and I lost count after about ten. They all had small windows that were closed over and numbers under the windows. It looked like a storage locker and it raised more questions in my mind.
I followed him quietly up to what I have to assume was his office and kept the blanket tight around me, desperate to ask him for clothes; but the desire for an explanation as to what was going on was louder then my modesty. I curled up in the chair in front of his desk, feeling exposed and desperate to hide. My muscles felt sore and my body just ached inside.
“Can I get you anything?”
“Answers.” I spoke quickly, not really minding my words or my tone. I was scared and angry; the feeling of helplessness was starting to creep up my spine and that pushed me towards angry even more. I just wanted to know what happened. The last thing I remember before seeing this man was being in Willow’s room in Sunnydale making small talk and planning on making pancakes for breakfast.
He sighed and sat in the chair across from me, his face tense and his voice low. “This won’t be easy to handle.” He paused and met my eyes. “But I’ll tell you everything you need to know…”
That was nearly three months ago. It feels like forever and yesterday all in the same breath. But I’ve learned to live with the choice that was made for me, my new place in life.
I am bound to this firm - Wolfram and Hart - until an undetermined amount of time. I am to work along side Lindsey McDonald and assist him with anything he needs done in the office. Spells are to be done without question or second guessing. I exist because they - the Senior Partners - see fit, nothing more keeps me here.
The betrayal of it all is something that I’ve had to learn to deal with, a bitter pill to swallow. It still makes everything inside me shake down to the very fiber of my being; everything I’ve ever known feels like a lie.
It has taken me months - three or so, I’ve lost track of time really - to stop the habit I have of staring at the scar on my chest that pulled at my skin just above my heart. To look at it and wonder if my heart still held the bullet that killed me. I would hold my breath and I could almost feel my heart sink every time I didn’t get dizzy or my body gasp for air. Air represented life…something that I no longer had.
Slowly I’ve started to accept who - and what - I now was. I’ve adjusted to knowing that Sunnydale is no longer, Willow’s moved on with her life and even though my friends aren’t too far away I never see them I make sure that our path’s don’t cross. I’m not sure if I’m ready to face them or if I’ll ever be. Even if Buffy’s ex’s evil half - Angelus - is running the place that I’m now bound to.
Every plausible effort has been made - although not always successful - to keep away from Angelus and off his radar. I don’t want him to test the theory that I could be drained and still function. I am beginning to think that Lindsey feels just about as uneasy around him as I do, which calms me a bit because I know he’ll never put me in his path if it can be avoided.
I’m bound to this firm and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, I’ve tried and I’ve even gone so far as to beg Mr. McDonald - Lindsey as he insists I call him - to find a way. But I’m here, bound to a place that makes my skin crawl and stands against everything I’ve ever held good and dear to my heart.
Then again knowing that I’m bound here - and how that came to pass - makes me wonder about everything that I’ve grown up and lived my life believing. I’m not sure what to believe in or who to believe. I’ve lost my way with no direction.
This itch under my skin to feel has started to overtake me, everything inside me is screaming for something; for some sort of emotion. At first after Lindsey told me everything - or well everything he saw that I could handle at the moment - I tried everything to feel. I bled with no pain. The blood slowly fell to the floor from the wound I made; causing me to blink a few times and wonder if I was actually cut. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t feel pain, I didn’t… I felt…
Nothing.
My heart didn’t beat, I had no pulse and I didn’t feel warm although my skin was warm to the touch. Everything about me, everything that stared back from the mirror felt fake and hollow. Like everything was just some glamour, a pretty little lie to add onto everything else.
Another wound for me to bleed from. It was just another betrayal.
From the office gossip it turns out that I’m somewhat lucky in a way to end up with the boss I have. Some others have been known to be… unpleasant. Outright cruel some say.
Lindsey is nice to be around, someone I might consider a friend if I knew I could have such luxuries in this new life. I might even consider it if I still had a heartbeat.
I can’t think of such things right now. My life and free will are gone; I have nothing more to offer this world. The only thing that I have of use is what I can do for this firm and as long as that keeps me unharmed - and those I love - then I will do it with minimal struggle.
Sighing deeply I run my fingers through my hair and out of my thoughts, my eyes staring unblinking at the copy machine as I copy some legal papers for Mr. McDonald to sign before I head back to his office to type up some paperwork he left me on his desk. At least there I could hide out and listen to the country music he kept hidden in his office.