Time to say goodbye… no matter how hard… [to_get_to_you]
Dinner was the most uncomfortable and awkward experience I’ve ever had to deal with. But I had to, I promised the Captain that I would earn my keep by making dinner and that’s what I had to do.
Anyone besides the four of us had no idea what the tension in the room was from, but we were well aware of it. I felt like eggshells and kept pretty much to myself. Kept busy cleaning and fixing things, smiling and nodding when Book or Zoë complemented my cooking. “Thank you, my mamma taught me.” Was all I’d say, looking away to hide the pained expression only Simon and River knew as it formed in my eyes.
Everyone left like nothing was wrong as I cleaned up the bit of mess that I made, leaving me alone in the room. River had gone off somewhere I wasn’t sure and that left me by myself to think. I wasn’t sure how great of a plan it was because when everything was cleaned up, I found myself walking towards his room.
Quietly I walked over to Simon’s door and knocked. “Simon? It’s…it’s me…can I come in?” There was no answer. I tried again and then again a third time, all with the same results.
Sighing I quietly walked over to my room, which was near Simon’s, and closed the door. Pulling out pen and paper I started to write, not really sure what I was writing but I knew that whatever it was my heart was in it.
Simon -
I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. You always had a problem reading my writing but that isn’t the point of the problem now. I just need to write this and get it out, get it off my heart so maybe I’ll cry a little less over you.
Maybe.
My life since you left hasn’t changed, hasn’t moved. I’ve moved yes, but I’ve moved in a constant path to find you, find you and River to make sure you were both safe and well. To help you and..and let’s be honest. I wanted to make things right with us again.
I wanted you back, my best friend and my lover.
You were always a better part of myself, just as you said I was yours. We’ve always complimented each other, brought out the best and always knew how to comfort the worst.
When I found out I was pregnant…that was the second happiest day ever. The first being when you told me you loved me. I remember that day as vivid as mamma’s eye-color. I started having hopes and dreams of a life we’d have together, that we’d be happy…
But I was scared, worried that it was the wrong time, that you wouldn’t want her, that you wouldn’t want me. I knew you were worried about River, things with us were already strained so I kept it all to myself. I thought it was best…now I know it wasn’t. My mind wonders what things would have been like had I told you, had I told you we were turning into three. I know how you are with children and I know what my news has caused you, it kills me to know that I caused you any pain.
I can’t go and change the past. I can’t make our daughter come back, I am seeing that I can’t make you come back either. What’s done is done and I have to live in that wreckage.
Being back here with you…it’s been heavenly hell. If there is such thing. I’ve missed you so much - I’ve missed our friendship, our relationship - I missed a lot about us, the small things. Even just crawling into bed to watch the sun rise when we were younger and talking about when we were really old.
I’ve started to realize something. I came here looking for the boy I grew up with, the boy I fell in love with since we were seven [yeah, I managed to pinpoint that moment]. I’ve realized that I came here looking for a man who doesn’t exist anymore.
You’ve moved on, I can feel it. I can feel it because I can’t feel you anymore, I was always able to. I was always able to reach to you and know things without words. By moods and just the vibes we gave off.
That’s not there any more, I can’t feel it, I don’t see it when I look into your eyes.
I’m starting to see that maybe…maybe my Simon’s gone. That hurts me more than I can ever put into words. Part of me always thought we’d be together for our entire lives. Firstly as friends, and then after that day…
Always thought you were the one, my one.
Maybe that’s true. Maybe you are my perfect match. But it’s obvious I’m not yours. Least it feels that way.
I can see there’s something more between you and Kaylee. She’s a sweet girl, someone I once upon a time would have approved of and maybe even became friends with. Now, now it just hurts. And I know that’s selfish of me; but you’ve always been worthy of being selfish over.
Can’t live like that Si, I can’t hurt anymore. I can’t go on in this holding pattern hoping to have something more when there’s nothing more left.
So this is your out. I’m going to give it to you. If… if you want me to leave, just say the word. I’ll pack my bag, say my good-bye’s to River and leave the ship at the next port. You’ll never have to see me again, nor think of me.
I’ll let you go on with the life you have now. Above my own happiness I’ve always wanted one thing. I’ve wanted you to be happy. After everything you deserve it.
My father and brother always told me you were too good for me, that a girl like me could never have someone like you; they always said you were better than I was. Maybe they were right about all that. Maybe…no, you deserve better then what I have to give.
Just tell me what you want Si, tell me what I need to do to let you be happy. If that’s not me anymore…then tell me, please.
If I do end up leaving, remember this. I love you, always have and at some point it became more. You will always be in my heart because I think you are my heart.
This life is too short to do anything other than try to be happy. Be happy bou bay.
Forever.
Tara
Taking a deep breath and not even bothering to reread the letter, I folded it up and pressed it to my chest. Not hoping for the best for myself, but for all of us involved.
I slowly got off the bed and walked over to his room. Pressing my hand against the closed door I sighed. “I’m…I’m sorry, for everything.” I slipped the letter in the door where he’d find it before turning on my heel and going back into my room to repack the few items I pulled out after dinner.
My quest was over, I found Simon, I found him to realize that I lost him and now I need to find my own life again; one that didn’t revolve around finding them. They were ok and safe I knew that.
I just didn’t know what was going to happen to me.
Anyone besides the four of us had no idea what the tension in the room was from, but we were well aware of it. I felt like eggshells and kept pretty much to myself. Kept busy cleaning and fixing things, smiling and nodding when Book or Zoë complemented my cooking. “Thank you, my mamma taught me.” Was all I’d say, looking away to hide the pained expression only Simon and River knew as it formed in my eyes.
Everyone left like nothing was wrong as I cleaned up the bit of mess that I made, leaving me alone in the room. River had gone off somewhere I wasn’t sure and that left me by myself to think. I wasn’t sure how great of a plan it was because when everything was cleaned up, I found myself walking towards his room.
Quietly I walked over to Simon’s door and knocked. “Simon? It’s…it’s me…can I come in?” There was no answer. I tried again and then again a third time, all with the same results.
Sighing I quietly walked over to my room, which was near Simon’s, and closed the door. Pulling out pen and paper I started to write, not really sure what I was writing but I knew that whatever it was my heart was in it.
Simon -
I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. You always had a problem reading my writing but that isn’t the point of the problem now. I just need to write this and get it out, get it off my heart so maybe I’ll cry a little less over you.
Maybe.
My life since you left hasn’t changed, hasn’t moved. I’ve moved yes, but I’ve moved in a constant path to find you, find you and River to make sure you were both safe and well. To help you and..and let’s be honest. I wanted to make things right with us again.
I wanted you back, my best friend and my lover.
You were always a better part of myself, just as you said I was yours. We’ve always complimented each other, brought out the best and always knew how to comfort the worst.
When I found out I was pregnant…that was the second happiest day ever. The first being when you told me you loved me. I remember that day as vivid as mamma’s eye-color. I started having hopes and dreams of a life we’d have together, that we’d be happy…
But I was scared, worried that it was the wrong time, that you wouldn’t want her, that you wouldn’t want me. I knew you were worried about River, things with us were already strained so I kept it all to myself. I thought it was best…now I know it wasn’t. My mind wonders what things would have been like had I told you, had I told you we were turning into three. I know how you are with children and I know what my news has caused you, it kills me to know that I caused you any pain.
I can’t go and change the past. I can’t make our daughter come back, I am seeing that I can’t make you come back either. What’s done is done and I have to live in that wreckage.
Being back here with you…it’s been heavenly hell. If there is such thing. I’ve missed you so much - I’ve missed our friendship, our relationship - I missed a lot about us, the small things. Even just crawling into bed to watch the sun rise when we were younger and talking about when we were really old.
I’ve started to realize something. I came here looking for the boy I grew up with, the boy I fell in love with since we were seven [yeah, I managed to pinpoint that moment]. I’ve realized that I came here looking for a man who doesn’t exist anymore.
You’ve moved on, I can feel it. I can feel it because I can’t feel you anymore, I was always able to. I was always able to reach to you and know things without words. By moods and just the vibes we gave off.
That’s not there any more, I can’t feel it, I don’t see it when I look into your eyes.
I’m starting to see that maybe…maybe my Simon’s gone. That hurts me more than I can ever put into words. Part of me always thought we’d be together for our entire lives. Firstly as friends, and then after that day…
Always thought you were the one, my one.
Maybe that’s true. Maybe you are my perfect match. But it’s obvious I’m not yours. Least it feels that way.
I can see there’s something more between you and Kaylee. She’s a sweet girl, someone I once upon a time would have approved of and maybe even became friends with. Now, now it just hurts. And I know that’s selfish of me; but you’ve always been worthy of being selfish over.
Can’t live like that Si, I can’t hurt anymore. I can’t go on in this holding pattern hoping to have something more when there’s nothing more left.
So this is your out. I’m going to give it to you. If… if you want me to leave, just say the word. I’ll pack my bag, say my good-bye’s to River and leave the ship at the next port. You’ll never have to see me again, nor think of me.
I’ll let you go on with the life you have now. Above my own happiness I’ve always wanted one thing. I’ve wanted you to be happy. After everything you deserve it.
My father and brother always told me you were too good for me, that a girl like me could never have someone like you; they always said you were better than I was. Maybe they were right about all that. Maybe…no, you deserve better then what I have to give.
Just tell me what you want Si, tell me what I need to do to let you be happy. If that’s not me anymore…then tell me, please.
If I do end up leaving, remember this. I love you, always have and at some point it became more. You will always be in my heart because I think you are my heart.
This life is too short to do anything other than try to be happy. Be happy bou bay.
Forever.
Tara
Taking a deep breath and not even bothering to reread the letter, I folded it up and pressed it to my chest. Not hoping for the best for myself, but for all of us involved.
I slowly got off the bed and walked over to his room. Pressing my hand against the closed door I sighed. “I’m…I’m sorry, for everything.” I slipped the letter in the door where he’d find it before turning on my heel and going back into my room to repack the few items I pulled out after dinner.
My quest was over, I found Simon, I found him to realize that I lost him and now I need to find my own life again; one that didn’t revolve around finding them. They were ok and safe I knew that.
I just didn’t know what was going to happen to me.