(no subject)
I havent been to livejournal in so long it appears theyve updated. I rather like it.
My life is so dramatically different from a year ago, and yet its not. I can never commit to keeping up with daily entries. Life is just to chaotic to allow me to enjoy the subtleties of composing a useless journal entry.
My life time has been submissive to bells chimes and cycles. I am cycling now through a minor depression brought on by the mere fact that I was on top of the world not too long ago. It is simply physics. What goes up must come down. Its just so unfortunate I could not avoid a crash landing. I am trying my very best to get motivated to do...anything. However I'm lacking in a certain neurotransmiters, inhibiting my ability to be motivated.
So I sit here now at 1:30 in the morning, writing about my pathetic depression, avoiding the real cause of it, and also ignoring my textbooks and research material hollering at me to focus. Instead I am day dreaming, fantasizing about this afternoon. How wonderful the beach would have been if it had actually been sunny. And if I didnt have to beach alone. And perhaps if the rocks werent as sharp I would have actually been comfortable. But that is how I spend most afternoons when I'm not at work. Caught up in domestic activities, studying or being in compromisingly uncomfortable positions.
Lethargic is a good word. Also impulsive. I felt very impulsive today and considered doing many things along the lines of getting a new piercing, getting a tattoo, cutting all my hair off or dyeing it a different color. I just wanted to do something drastic, eat something I'd been craving...anything. But nothing seemed to satisfy my hunger for spontinuity.
To some it up, I need a boost. I need something to spark up my dopamine, and serotonin transmiters and whip me up into a fanatical frenzy. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel amazing, and not like the runover left overs I've been feeling like since friday. Friday.... The day my world came crashing down again, The day my stilts were cut short by the obvious slapping me in the face. I had become so arrogant because I was ok with myself. I would not use the word love, but I tolerated myself. But life has a tendency of kicking you in the ass once you sit down because of your longing for comfort and overall acceptance. That is something I think I'll never get to have. You want to know why? Because I am me, and nothing more.
My life is so dramatically different from a year ago, and yet its not. I can never commit to keeping up with daily entries. Life is just to chaotic to allow me to enjoy the subtleties of composing a useless journal entry.
My life time has been submissive to bells chimes and cycles. I am cycling now through a minor depression brought on by the mere fact that I was on top of the world not too long ago. It is simply physics. What goes up must come down. Its just so unfortunate I could not avoid a crash landing. I am trying my very best to get motivated to do...anything. However I'm lacking in a certain neurotransmiters, inhibiting my ability to be motivated.
So I sit here now at 1:30 in the morning, writing about my pathetic depression, avoiding the real cause of it, and also ignoring my textbooks and research material hollering at me to focus. Instead I am day dreaming, fantasizing about this afternoon. How wonderful the beach would have been if it had actually been sunny. And if I didnt have to beach alone. And perhaps if the rocks werent as sharp I would have actually been comfortable. But that is how I spend most afternoons when I'm not at work. Caught up in domestic activities, studying or being in compromisingly uncomfortable positions.
Lethargic is a good word. Also impulsive. I felt very impulsive today and considered doing many things along the lines of getting a new piercing, getting a tattoo, cutting all my hair off or dyeing it a different color. I just wanted to do something drastic, eat something I'd been craving...anything. But nothing seemed to satisfy my hunger for spontinuity.
To some it up, I need a boost. I need something to spark up my dopamine, and serotonin transmiters and whip me up into a fanatical frenzy. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel amazing, and not like the runover left overs I've been feeling like since friday. Friday.... The day my world came crashing down again, The day my stilts were cut short by the obvious slapping me in the face. I had become so arrogant because I was ok with myself. I would not use the word love, but I tolerated myself. But life has a tendency of kicking you in the ass once you sit down because of your longing for comfort and overall acceptance. That is something I think I'll never get to have. You want to know why? Because I am me, and nothing more.