As soon as Remus had run from the room, Sirius had made up his mind. He'd never set much store by patience, and he wasn't going to start now.
He stomped over to James' trunk, kicked it open, and after a few seconds of scrambling around, extracted the Map.
"Right. This has gone far enough," he said slamming the blank piece of parchment on the floor.
"I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD!" he shouted. Small squiggly handwriting which read "Mr Moony begs Mr Padfoot to stop his screaming. He sounds like a girl. Ask again nicely," appeared at the bottom. Sirius obeyed, his voice much calmer now. A thing spider's web of ink spun its way across the page until the whole of the castle was laid out before his eyes.
He saw a tiny dot labeled 'Remus Lupin' pacing around the Astronomy Tower. This could not be good.
"What the hell are you playing at?" Sirius yelled, the door banging on the stone wall as he burst through the entrance to the tower. "You've been absolutely dreadful all week, and believe me, mate, I've really been trying to be patient with you." Sirius felt all of the annoyance and frustration and desperation that had been building up for the past week exploding outward into a confrontation that he knew he would regret.
"I've tried talking to you. I've left you alone when you wanted. But you still find the need to run out of the dorm to come mope out here. Fuck, Moony! What do you want from me? Because Merlin knows I'm at my absolute wits end!"
He stood there, stiff, balled fists shaking. Well, at least it was out in the open now.
Remus slowly stood and turned to face his friend, though he was still unable to look him in the eye.
"I'm sorry Sirius." He shook his head slightly. "I don't want anything from you, really. You... I'm just..." He wrapped his arms around his chest. "I'm sorry."
"No. Oh, no you don't," said Sirius, striding across to where Remus stood in three long-legged steps. "You're going to tell me right now," he said sharply. But as hard as he tried, as soon as he was near enough to see the hurt all over Remus' face, it was impossible for him to stay angry. He just wanted to help.
Sirius, whose face was now mere inches from Remus', raised one eyebrow.
"Last time I checked, Moony dear, we're up on the Astronomy Tower," he said, finding it hard to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "But if you need a map..." He pulled the Marauder's Map from his back pocket and held it out.
Remus couldn't decide whether he wanted to scream or cry. Sometimes Sirius made him so angry! He resisted to urge to punch him one.
"This is why I don't talk to you! You have NO IDEA how I'm feeling right now, so why don't you just get the hell out Sirius so I can jump off the god damn tower in peace!"
"No. Yes. I mean... God." He slumped to the ground, leaning against the wall. "I screwed up Sirius. And... I can't bare the ministry facilities, but I can't just do nothing, and sometimes it's all just so hard..."
"I know," Remus whispered. He could hear the condemnation in Sirius' voice and knew he deserved it. And more. "I know I am. And that's the real problem, isn't it."
"Yes. It is. You of all people. All those things you love, school, your family, James, Pete, Me. You're willing to just throw us away because you can't take the pressure any more? Fuck that Moony, we've all had our fair share of hardship. And you can tell me how hard it is for you with your transformations and the discrimination, but don't make yourself out to be some kind of martyr."
Sirius felt completely cold, detached. "But hey, don't let me stop you. You want to chuck yourself off the tower, be my guest. Maybe you should. Save us all the trouble of listening to your whinging. Do it. I dare you." He crossed his arms over his chest, a look of haughty disdain honed by years of practice leering down at Remus.
For an second he almost did it. He even took a step toward the wall. Hearing Sirius sound like that... And the look on his face... And he was right of course, it would be better for everyone if Remus just disappeared. He felt like he was on auto pilot. He took another step, then stopped. It wasn't far now. Just a step up and he wouldn't have to feel anything ever again. He began to shake and turned violently away from the wall.
"No." He whispered, voice harsh. "I can't. God, I am a coward. I can't turn myself in, can't even jump. You're right about me Sirius. But I swear I won't bother you any more. You won't have to listen to me. I'll just..." He laughed quietly. "Some fucking werewolf I am."
Sirius collapsed forward, his arms swinging around the other boy's shoulders, grabbing fistfulls of shirt in his sweating hands. He held him tightly for a brief moment. Then, just as suddenly, he pushed him away, cocked his arm, and punched him square in the jaw.
"If you ever scare me like that again, I'll throw you off the Astronomy Tower myself." And with that he swept back through the entrance, slamming the door sharply behind him.
Remus leaned against the wall, one hand cupping his aching cheek. It was all suddenly so clear, like a curtain had been drawn. Sirius wasn't angry at him. He didn't hate him for what had happened. Sirius was afraid. And if Remus hadn't had his head so far up his own arse he would have seen it long before. Sirius always got haughty when he was terrified.
I did this. I scared him. And it was just as clear that Remus had to stop this. Because Sirius was right, just not in the way Remus had thought. He was being selfish. He was hurting his friends with his bitter self-loathing. And they deserved so much more than that. It was time to put his game face on, to lock this all away with the other things he didn't want to think about
( ... )
He stomped over to James' trunk, kicked it open, and after a few seconds of scrambling around, extracted the Map.
"Right. This has gone far enough," he said slamming the blank piece of parchment on the floor.
"I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD!" he shouted. Small squiggly handwriting which read "Mr Moony begs Mr Padfoot to stop his screaming. He sounds like a girl. Ask again nicely," appeared at the bottom. Sirius obeyed, his voice much calmer now. A thing spider's web of ink spun its way across the page until the whole of the castle was laid out before his eyes.
He saw a tiny dot labeled 'Remus Lupin' pacing around the Astronomy Tower. This could not be good.
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"Hullo Sirius."
He didn't get up off his perch or look away from the grounds. He did, however, silently curse The Map.
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"I've tried talking to you. I've left you alone when you wanted. But you still find the need to run out of the dorm to come mope out here. Fuck, Moony! What do you want from me? Because Merlin knows I'm at my absolute wits end!"
He stood there, stiff, balled fists shaking. Well, at least it was out in the open now.
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"I'm sorry Sirius." He shook his head slightly. "I don't want anything from you, really. You... I'm just..." He wrapped his arms around his chest. "I'm sorry."
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"Please."
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"I..." He closed his eyes. "I feel... Lost. I don't know what to do Sirius."
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"Last time I checked, Moony dear, we're up on the Astronomy Tower," he said, finding it hard to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "But if you need a map..." He pulled the Marauder's Map from his back pocket and held it out.
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"This is why I don't talk to you! You have NO IDEA how I'm feeling right now, so why don't you just get the hell out Sirius so I can jump off the god damn tower in peace!"
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"I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but Remus John Lupin, you're a fucking selfish coward."
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"Yes. It is. You of all people. All those things you love, school, your family, James, Pete, Me. You're willing to just throw us away because you can't take the pressure any more? Fuck that Moony, we've all had our fair share of hardship. And you can tell me how hard it is for you with your transformations and the discrimination, but don't make yourself out to be some kind of martyr."
Sirius felt completely cold, detached. "But hey, don't let me stop you. You want to chuck yourself off the tower, be my guest. Maybe you should. Save us all the trouble of listening to your whinging. Do it. I dare you." He crossed his arms over his chest, a look of haughty disdain honed by years of practice leering down at Remus.
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"No." He whispered, voice harsh. "I can't. God, I am a coward. I can't turn myself in, can't even jump. You're right about me Sirius. But I swear I won't bother you any more. You won't have to listen to me. I'll just..." He laughed quietly. "Some fucking werewolf I am."
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"If you ever scare me like that again, I'll throw you off the Astronomy Tower myself." And with that he swept back through the entrance, slamming the door sharply behind him.
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I did this. I scared him. And it was just as clear that Remus had to stop this. Because Sirius was right, just not in the way Remus had thought. He was being selfish. He was hurting his friends with his bitter self-loathing. And they deserved so much more than that. It was time to put his game face on, to lock this all away with the other things he didn't want to think about ( ... )
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