Feb 20, 2005 00:15
So in one aspect, my mind is at ease now, but in another aspect, my life just sux. I hate things that i can't control. I have been forced to let go. Yeah, it sux, but i guess it is for the better. We talked, and there are just certain things that need to be figured out, not between us, but in other aspects. Again, my innate need to help people and make them happy has become the death of me. Like in all of my "failed attempts", i continue to learn. I have learned so much in this situation than i think that i have learned in all of the other ones combined. That's why i held on for so long. I didn't want to lose that. I have no choice but to respect her feelings and "unsureness" and move on with life. It is hard, and yes, it sux, because i want to be there. It still gets to me how people can keep their emotions locked inside of them so tightly. She would not let anything affect her, even those things that should affect her. I'm not referring to anything between us, but just other things that affect all people. It just boggles my mind. I guess that we all wear our own masks, and they form who we are (or at least who we want others to think we are). I dunno, im starting to not make sense. I could say some things, but i dont want to be judgemental, so i will keep those feelings to myself. It's only judging if you act on it, right? All i can do is to remember what we had and learn to never take that for granted. I hope that we can still be good friends, because i still want to be there, even if it is just as a friend.
So here i am, once again all alone. I guess thats for the best. I was thinking just last night that i tend to be happier when i am alone. That sounds ironic tho, because i seek happiness within a relationship. People always tell me that one day, some special girl will make me the happiest guy on earth. I want to believe that so badly, and i look forward to the day that that happens. I am still convinced that nice guys get the short end of the stick. I am too friendly, to the point where thats all people see me as...a friend and nothing more. There are certain individuals (think Spiderman, for those of you who know what i mean) whom i feel are better than i can ask for, but one-sided relationships aren't good.
All i can do is continue to be me...nothing more, nothing less. I tend to lose sight of that sometimes too, now that i think of it. Me...i am Matt Rosenfeld. I am a 19 year old student at Wright State University who is studying sound in the Design/Technology program. But i am much more than that. I have a lot going for me, and i seem to be on a good path in life. Overall, i am satisfied and happy in life. I have a loving family and a few friends (you know who you are) who will be there for me through thick and thin. I went home last week, and i realized that i should be happier than i have been here at school.
I also went out today, and i realized that i have been living in a box all quarter. Yeah, theatre is my path in life, but i need to get out every once in a while. I need to take time to stop and smell those roses. Yet again, ironically, theatre is the death of me. It's my passion, but it's also my killer. O well, like everything else, i have to deal with it. I can't see me doing anything else. I won't worry about it too much. Ok, i think i have written enough for now. I guess i tried to be insightful just to make things better. It will still be a while until i get over things, but at least i have been forced to let go, which is probably for the better. Nite all. As always, im open to comments. I like feeling loved, especially at this time where i do feel alone.