(no subject)
Ultimately everyday I’m reminding myself that you don’t want to be with me. I know that’s not 100 percent true but I think it’s basically true in the way that you could never let me go over something that truely bothers you but when I treated you the way you have been treating me you think I’m mean. That’s what’s stopping me from literally driving to truro and begging for your forgiveness.
Do you think I would have taken you to a 100 dollar dinner if I was going to break up with you? We made plans. We had made so many plans. I’m so confused. We literally made plans about what we wanted to do together and where we would go?
I’m sure we could have continued to work for a long time but at some point it’s like what’s the point. I love you and you love me sure but I do things that make you hurt and you do things that make me hurt and we can’t get over them. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me, mad at the universe.
You check all the boxes. You’re perfect, on paper. I loved the way you kissed me first but I wasn’t sure if I should like it. Maybe that’s what I need to understand more about myself where my boundaries are and how I respect myself. But regardless there’s an undeniable chemistry between us. The last couple times we had sex I really felt like you were there like we were able to communicate, it wasn’t just methodic. I think sex is such a big part of us because it’s a way we can connect and grow together so when it felt like we were just going through the motions it was so hard.
but maybe I need someone who’s able to deal with me the way I tried to do with you.
So I wanted to change in those ways with you, for you, for me for us forever.
I saw forever with you and I miss that universe where we had little mixed babies and you were pregnant and we were making our space ours and I forget how our styles are completely different and who the fuck is going to cook supper and maybe I’m a little jealous of you being pregnant and I think you would hate it as well so you would be cranky and I would get tired of taking care of you even though that’s what you deserve for growing my favourite little baby inside you and it would be a little bit of you and a little bit of me and I’m mad because I never pictured that before and I can’t picture it with anyone else because you made me feel like those things are possible because you make everything you want to happen and I take care of you so you can do all that
You need this time in your life to be independent to take back what you lost moving to Canada and you’re not there yet. But I needed you. And I wasn’t able to just give you all the things you needed. I wanted more with you, I wanted to show you things.
I’m mad about that. I had so many things I wanted to show you, to have you experience, to see you experience. Watching you get excited over little things meant so much to me. To see you.
Like right now
Emma thinks I just like the idea of you but I know I’m thinking about the way you cried and how many times you’ve been vulnerable with me and how I got to be vulnerable with you.
But I worry about the times I didn’t see your words line up with your actions or when you are scared to talk to me. I didn’t have patience to let you learn to love me because I thought I was doing that by giving you my patience to take care of you. Loving me shouldn’t be this hard.
I know that I love your cheeks and how I fit in your body.
I love that you always tried to give me what I want
And let me explore you.
I love you
Are you missing me
Are you needing me
Have you already moved on
Am I one of the many yet
Are you talking to the next girl about
Me as your ex
Because we’re not you and me anymore we’re just two people who were you and me for a short time
But not so short that I didn’t change me
I can feel myself becoming a little bit more who I was before I met you
But I still miss talking to you at night
Or the morning
Or just holding you
Being held by you
You were so patient and kind with me
And I’ll love you forever for that.
And I hope we were just ahead of our time
And we can find the right time in the future.
For now I’ll just spend my time thinking about you and groaning when it gets to be too much.
Do you think I would have taken you to a 100 dollar dinner if I was going to break up with you? We made plans. We had made so many plans. I’m so confused. We literally made plans about what we wanted to do together and where we would go?
I’m sure we could have continued to work for a long time but at some point it’s like what’s the point. I love you and you love me sure but I do things that make you hurt and you do things that make me hurt and we can’t get over them. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me, mad at the universe.
You check all the boxes. You’re perfect, on paper. I loved the way you kissed me first but I wasn’t sure if I should like it. Maybe that’s what I need to understand more about myself where my boundaries are and how I respect myself. But regardless there’s an undeniable chemistry between us. The last couple times we had sex I really felt like you were there like we were able to communicate, it wasn’t just methodic. I think sex is such a big part of us because it’s a way we can connect and grow together so when it felt like we were just going through the motions it was so hard.
but maybe I need someone who’s able to deal with me the way I tried to do with you.
So I wanted to change in those ways with you, for you, for me for us forever.
I saw forever with you and I miss that universe where we had little mixed babies and you were pregnant and we were making our space ours and I forget how our styles are completely different and who the fuck is going to cook supper and maybe I’m a little jealous of you being pregnant and I think you would hate it as well so you would be cranky and I would get tired of taking care of you even though that’s what you deserve for growing my favourite little baby inside you and it would be a little bit of you and a little bit of me and I’m mad because I never pictured that before and I can’t picture it with anyone else because you made me feel like those things are possible because you make everything you want to happen and I take care of you so you can do all that
You need this time in your life to be independent to take back what you lost moving to Canada and you’re not there yet. But I needed you. And I wasn’t able to just give you all the things you needed. I wanted more with you, I wanted to show you things.
I’m mad about that. I had so many things I wanted to show you, to have you experience, to see you experience. Watching you get excited over little things meant so much to me. To see you.
Like right now
Emma thinks I just like the idea of you but I know I’m thinking about the way you cried and how many times you’ve been vulnerable with me and how I got to be vulnerable with you.
But I worry about the times I didn’t see your words line up with your actions or when you are scared to talk to me. I didn’t have patience to let you learn to love me because I thought I was doing that by giving you my patience to take care of you. Loving me shouldn’t be this hard.
I know that I love your cheeks and how I fit in your body.
I love that you always tried to give me what I want
And let me explore you.
I love you
Are you missing me
Are you needing me
Have you already moved on
Am I one of the many yet
Are you talking to the next girl about
Me as your ex
Because we’re not you and me anymore we’re just two people who were you and me for a short time
But not so short that I didn’t change me
I can feel myself becoming a little bit more who I was before I met you
But I still miss talking to you at night
Or the morning
Or just holding you
Being held by you
You were so patient and kind with me
And I’ll love you forever for that.
And I hope we were just ahead of our time
And we can find the right time in the future.
For now I’ll just spend my time thinking about you and groaning when it gets to be too much.