(no subject)
Why do you feel the need to push my boundaries. Don't you get it. I'm not an endlessly elastic figure. I'm capable of expanding with your needs but i'm already pushing myself. that should not be surpising or confuing because i've said it. i'm not playing games, in fact i'm being very clear. you, for some reason i don't understand, are expecting me to be manipulative and not tell you how i really feel. i'm not sure why you think that because we have had many discussions about how i don't do that. i feel like it's kind of the the foundation of our relationship that we're both honest. i can't do that because we have a hard enough time communicating. So when i sad 'im alone' it has nothing to do with me being single or not, if i was single i would expect to be alone?? if i'm with you, i expect you to be there when i need you unless you explain to me why you cant be. Stop pushing my boundaries and just make me feel comfortable. I"m not asking for a lot. im not asking for anything you're not capable of but you're acting like i'm crazy when you don't help me understand why what i'm asking for isn't being done
Why is it that when you need things to feel secure i give them but when i ask for what i need its constantly a conversation that i have to push for
What’s the thing about smoking?
I’m frustrated because you asked So just like you when you change or I change, I need time to adjust. I feel like you’re asking me to change with no support. I want to change, I was us to grow and learn to love each other every version of ourselves but I thought we would be doing it together. Forcing me to be different than I am is not helpful and it makes me want to push you away. That’s where I’m at right now. I don’t think this is a casual thing so I’m not leaving and I’m doing the work but I feel like a lot of that work is on me. I need you to be there to comfort me when I need you. To understand that I’m changing because of different things that are going on like my meds. To understand that your decisions, mood, attitude and honesty or lack there of effect me in large ways that I might not always be able to detect right away. If you can identify those please tell me but also trust me when I tell you I know what is going on even if it’s different than your evaluation. I know it’s confusing but this sad is not the same as the other times when I have been having a hard time. I wasn’t really sad other times. I was not feeling well. That’s the meds. When I was curled up in my bed or walking around sobbing because I wanted to be dead that was the meds . When I was telling you that wasn’t your fault because I was depressed that wasnt your fault because of the meds.
Right now I’m sad because I don’t like change. if things are too overwhelming you're going to have to buffer in a few days for me to process those information so i can feel it but also so i can rationalize my thoughts I have to do things I don’t want to do and I have to stand up for what I need. You ask me what I need I need you to think more before you speak and this is not an out for you to not tell me things because you’re scared to hurt me. You will hurt me. I’m not afraid of that.
Something what keeps going through my head is that I asked you to take me to get my nails done and you didn’t want to because you thought I would ruin them in 2 days. I get that it’s a lot of money and you were worried about wasting it but who cares if it makes me happy? if you want to be with me that’s good but if you don’t want to stop complaining and just don't be with me. I’m not special if you’re showing someone enough of you that they have fallen in love with you . How little you understand from what I’m saying really bothers me and concerns me about our ability to communicate and your ability to see me I need you to think more do you not think that it’s a problem that chelby taught you how to play a game that you then wouldn’t stop playing for a week after? You don’t listen to me.
You’re going to ask why are you with me, why do you love me. I don’t know all the time. I know I like you. I know we have similar values and care for each other. I know I love you and you feel comfortable. I know I can’t unlove you. But I don’t know why I stay. You make a big deal of giving me space in your home, our home but you share your space with people who are not me. You stay when I ask you to leave, you invade my space when I ask for what I need. When we were talking about chelby you made things a joke when I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with you I got pushback. You didn’t move when I asked you to move. You came into my family call just go bug me? If you need attention you can just ask. I give you my attention because i want you to have it. because i need yours. becaue i love you. you have all of my attention when you need it. sometimes i need my attention. I think we should go to couples therapy
not talking to me and not telling me what's going on is unacceptable. you ask the same of me and it helps you feel like you understand whats going on. i deserve the same.
but isn't it absolutely wild that you and i found each other and love each other and want to be kind to each other. like out of all the people in the world i have you and you have me
you asked me recently if you knew how mentally ill i was when we met. Yes. i told you the first time we met. i told you that i thought i had adhd, i did not tell you that i thought i was autistic. i told you that i was in therapy and that i was on a healing journey. i don't remember if i told you how anxious i get. i told you that i was trying to take care of myself and it made me selfish. i was very honest because i wanted to come across as confident. i was annoyed you were late, i was annoyed it was hard for us to find a time and place to meet. i was concerned we went to a second location. i don't think i told you those things. I am very articulate and don't show my emotions very well so a lot of people expect that i am normal. There's little hints because i'm weird but i'm ok at masking. im pretty sure i told you that i like to be alone and i was pushing my boundaries to hang out with you. i don't think i told you how depressed i get but i didn't hide it when it came up. i told you i have a lot of trauma and it effects my life everyday.
you asked me to change. you were worried i would change too much but i wasn't worried about that. i was worried about being ok. you asked me to be less independent and more vulnerable. i told you i needed you to take care of me if i was going to do that. but here i am being open and vulnerable and not getting taken care of. i asked for what i need and you aren't there.
there's this thing about people with autism and adhd finding each other. We are able to sync and work off each other because our needs are so cohesive.