(no subject)
you asked if i could write something happy
but i said it wasnt' easy
but maybe it's not as hard as i thought
because today i kept thinking of reasons to smile
i think only 3 of them were your smile
and only 6 were you holding me
and only 2 were your face in the sunlight
none were your shocked face
or your sad face
or your face when you feel rejected
1 of them was you holding my hand the first time we met
when i was telling you about the places where my hand was bleeding
i was holding onto you so tight
1 of them was you holding my hand the last time i saw you
still looking so curiously
so interested
asking me about my fingers
should i have put my fingers inside you?
did i do it wrong
i don't know if you didn't like it because i wasn't doing what you wanted
because you never said
i wonder how you'd feel if i rejected you like that
one was seeing you smile at someone else
them letting oyu love them the way you're so good at
seeing you be loved back the way you need
several
maybe 4 were of B
and the new baby that will be a part of her life
maybe another was the night i met b
i'd met her on video chat before that
seen her meet my friends
known the smiles she brought to my friend's faces
loved her before she was even born
i hope it's a girl
i think a girl is good
i love b.
i wish i could be with her more
but maybe it wasn't meant to be
even the first time i'd met her was late
and then now it's been forever since i've seen her
she's so much bigger
and her hair is so much longer
today seems like a very good day to think of happy things
like b
even though i miss her
i was thinking about erin too
she makes me smile
she's such a beautiful person
and the fact that my aunt is ok
kevin makes me smile too
and my friends made me laugh
even if i was just remembering things that i have smiled about in the past
they make me smile just to think of them
and for a second i don't feel so alone.