(no subject)
here's the problem with me being mad
me being hurt
me needing more attention
me reacting to not getting the reactions i want
the attention i want
and feeling frustrated that i have to feel so many emotions
and i hurt people
because i don't know how else to do anything
and i don't want hurt you
but i think iam
i am arent i
you're letting me
to control the fal out
but maybe you've just reached your limit
and you can't feel that pain anymore
or let me keep hurting you
you said something about me being able to be introceptive
and that you're not there yet
but it wasn't that long ago that you didn't think i was introceptive at all
you complimented me on something you previously had seen as a deficient
as a fault.
friendship means having deep chats
where you help me feel my feelings or tell me what my problem is
friendship is helping me
but it's also letting me help you
letting me listen to you
or just come up with solutions to your problems
i understand it's confusing
because sometimes it takes a lot out of me
and i mask by solving people's problems
in search of external validation
but it's also how i show my love
friendship means being able to reach out to you when i think of you
it means being able to start a conversation about nothing and everything
that that being what i need from you
friendship is deep feelings with surface level actions
it's waiting for me to be ready
it's waiting for me to process
it's waiting for me to be ok
it's not asking me to do something
telling me it's what you want
and then having a conversation and feeling completely the opposite way by the end of it
it's not asking me to take you to get a piercing
or asking me to make space for you
and then telling me you want space
it's not saying that i'm finally letting you hear me sing
when that's a sign that i'm feeling more comfortable with you
which i htought was a good thing
but i can't trust you with that
because i don't know waht you want out of it
i don't know if you are using this space to heal
or just holding out hoping that it could be what it isn't
and if you're using the space to heal
i'll do that too
but i can't let you stay in limbo of feeling something we said we couldn't do
becuase i do that too
i want you to touch me
to kiss me
to feel me
to want my attention
but it's too much for me to give you all of that
and try to manage my emotions
in this new dynamic