(no subject)
Today was the home show. A day of mixed emotions, and I am better because of it.
Started out with me waking up after 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I was incredibly awake. I went to work, realized I was the only person there and did everything I knew how. I felt rather grown up, and adult-like as well. I just did everything independently. It was great.
Went to band. At first it was odd, but all right. Home show was today, which is a big deal. Too bad it didn't feel like people cared; the lack of discipline at certain points in the band disgusts me. And what disgusts me even more is the lack of concern people have towards it. Band ten hut? Half the people don't even listen to it. They keep talking maintaining little discipline. It annoys me. And if you say something like "Stop talking" you are met with a better than thou attitude of "The rules don't apply to me". Arghreeijeokjewr BITE ME. The performance reflected the practice attitude.
Mr. Dumas placed some sectional responsibility on me. Really minor stuff, like telling all the clarinets on high Cs to pull the corner's of their mouth in tight, but it was thrilling. I LOVE responsibility. In work, not so much school, but with something I love to do or want to see well I breathe it. Part of the reason I want to be drum major is that. Control freak maybe but I just realized it the other day is that this stuff thrills me because I love responsibility. Maybe that's a good trait.
After practice I went with Laura and reset the pit stuff. Rich was nice to me, which struck me because I know he's not a very nice person. Went with Laura to get some food, ran into Sarah P, and hung around her. Wandered a bit, and wandered my way onto the turf where I spectated the a few minutes of the tail end of the senior tape taping. I wanted to cry. All those people that won't be there next year, and I know I won't see most of them again afterwards, or carry on no meaningful friendship. Then again, most of my friendships with most of the people there are in fact meaningless. That doesn't even phase me to say so, but it's true. Then got myself together for the show.
Welcome to mediocrity.
It was OK, but by no means good. I was disappointed a bit, we could have done so much better. I don't think anyone cared.
Afterwards I went with Adam the saxophonist to watch Binghamton, a band with 25 kids band proper. Or so it seems. And there is Amy. One of the people on my list of those I have admired since freshman year. It felt so good to talk to her, because we feel the same way on some things. I can say with full honesty that she is one of the coolest people I have ever met, and not in some meaningless trendy way: I want to be like her in many ways. I can't really express how much that conversation meant to me.
I drifted, talked to Joey D. after Amy left. I went to talk to some seniors but something really struck me: there is a facade that goes up and a script that is followed and I know I am not at my truest, and well, they aren't either. It's incredibly fake. Maybe that's because I was coming off talking to Amy or something, but I lost my desire to talk to them because it's not a conversation, it's a friggen play score. So I left. That's when I ran into Joe. The nice thing is that I can go from person to person and not be missed by any of them; a consequence that leads to great freedom but is only there as the result of not meaning anything to anyone. At least anyone there. Not so long ago, realizing that hurt a lot. It hurts less, almost to the point where it doesn't bother me quite so much. It's life, and my purpose in it is obviously not a very social one. I know I affect people, everyone at least slightly affects people, I just don't imagine it's very deeply and I know probably not personally.
I talked to Jaime though. I love Jaime, and I don't mean that in the fake sort of way. She's incredibly strong, and I wish I had her strength. I can but wish I had her strength, though I know I don't want the ways necessary to gain it. She's great; that's all there is to it.
And I cheered people down and was happy. Yeah, everyone's going to be sticking around for a few more months but still. I felt like an actual junior, I felt old. It's funny though, Sarah K. in the sax section was surprised to find out I was a junior and not a senior and Kristen S. the former DM was surprised at first to see me without a uniform on, and then she remembered I wasn't a senior. Hehe. I felt old though, and well, by the end of the night I wasn't missing any of the seniors except for Kristen, because, well, I'm rather attached to her. And some I just don't feel will go away, though I fear they will. I won't acknowledge that fear, I won't give it power, I'll just make sure to keep in touch.
Saw Becky Dollof. Between her, Amy, Kristen S., and Jaime it might as well been my personal procession of heroes. : )
And today I realized something: socially I make no difference. I'm not like Laura in respect that I am the life of the party, no one really looks for me (save my dad, but that's a different story : ) ), and when people recall social events I am invariably forgotten about. But that's just how I am, I will affect people deeply but anonymously, if I affect them at all. In my presence people act a certain way around me and react to me differently but when I am not around I make no difference what so ever. I know I'm not popular, never have been never will be, but it's striking. Especially since this is the life I live and well, it's not like I can get out of it. I don't stand out; that does bother me. Especially since I want to make a name for myself, and how shall I make a name if I am not remembered.
I was bold: I went up to Webster's drum majors and congratulated them on their show. I LOVE Webster's show. Their drum majors are nice, not condescending (better than I can say for Oswego's) and well, just nice.
Afterwards my dad picked me up and we had a nice conversation. I do love my Dad.
By the end of the night there were a handful of people who weren't getting on my nerves. I'm so sick of this high school folly; drama and fakeness. It's most apparent to me in the senior class for some reason, though I am not so naive to think it's only there. I was around a different set of people and then realized something else: I am getting swallowed into it. Birds of feather flock together, yes I know, my problem is I am a raven among blue jays, but my feathers seem like they are getting lighter. I have to be careful. That is why I feel I am getting dramatic, because everyone else around me is. Sour moods are contagious, and so is drama. I mean, it's such the cool thing to do.
And I need to sleep now. Good night everyone, and may the Lord rest your tired souls...
Started out with me waking up after 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I was incredibly awake. I went to work, realized I was the only person there and did everything I knew how. I felt rather grown up, and adult-like as well. I just did everything independently. It was great.
Went to band. At first it was odd, but all right. Home show was today, which is a big deal. Too bad it didn't feel like people cared; the lack of discipline at certain points in the band disgusts me. And what disgusts me even more is the lack of concern people have towards it. Band ten hut? Half the people don't even listen to it. They keep talking maintaining little discipline. It annoys me. And if you say something like "Stop talking" you are met with a better than thou attitude of "The rules don't apply to me". Arghreeijeokjewr BITE ME. The performance reflected the practice attitude.
Mr. Dumas placed some sectional responsibility on me. Really minor stuff, like telling all the clarinets on high Cs to pull the corner's of their mouth in tight, but it was thrilling. I LOVE responsibility. In work, not so much school, but with something I love to do or want to see well I breathe it. Part of the reason I want to be drum major is that. Control freak maybe but I just realized it the other day is that this stuff thrills me because I love responsibility. Maybe that's a good trait.
After practice I went with Laura and reset the pit stuff. Rich was nice to me, which struck me because I know he's not a very nice person. Went with Laura to get some food, ran into Sarah P, and hung around her. Wandered a bit, and wandered my way onto the turf where I spectated the a few minutes of the tail end of the senior tape taping. I wanted to cry. All those people that won't be there next year, and I know I won't see most of them again afterwards, or carry on no meaningful friendship. Then again, most of my friendships with most of the people there are in fact meaningless. That doesn't even phase me to say so, but it's true. Then got myself together for the show.
Welcome to mediocrity.
It was OK, but by no means good. I was disappointed a bit, we could have done so much better. I don't think anyone cared.
Afterwards I went with Adam the saxophonist to watch Binghamton, a band with 25 kids band proper. Or so it seems. And there is Amy. One of the people on my list of those I have admired since freshman year. It felt so good to talk to her, because we feel the same way on some things. I can say with full honesty that she is one of the coolest people I have ever met, and not in some meaningless trendy way: I want to be like her in many ways. I can't really express how much that conversation meant to me.
I drifted, talked to Joey D. after Amy left. I went to talk to some seniors but something really struck me: there is a facade that goes up and a script that is followed and I know I am not at my truest, and well, they aren't either. It's incredibly fake. Maybe that's because I was coming off talking to Amy or something, but I lost my desire to talk to them because it's not a conversation, it's a friggen play score. So I left. That's when I ran into Joe. The nice thing is that I can go from person to person and not be missed by any of them; a consequence that leads to great freedom but is only there as the result of not meaning anything to anyone. At least anyone there. Not so long ago, realizing that hurt a lot. It hurts less, almost to the point where it doesn't bother me quite so much. It's life, and my purpose in it is obviously not a very social one. I know I affect people, everyone at least slightly affects people, I just don't imagine it's very deeply and I know probably not personally.
I talked to Jaime though. I love Jaime, and I don't mean that in the fake sort of way. She's incredibly strong, and I wish I had her strength. I can but wish I had her strength, though I know I don't want the ways necessary to gain it. She's great; that's all there is to it.
And I cheered people down and was happy. Yeah, everyone's going to be sticking around for a few more months but still. I felt like an actual junior, I felt old. It's funny though, Sarah K. in the sax section was surprised to find out I was a junior and not a senior and Kristen S. the former DM was surprised at first to see me without a uniform on, and then she remembered I wasn't a senior. Hehe. I felt old though, and well, by the end of the night I wasn't missing any of the seniors except for Kristen, because, well, I'm rather attached to her. And some I just don't feel will go away, though I fear they will. I won't acknowledge that fear, I won't give it power, I'll just make sure to keep in touch.
Saw Becky Dollof. Between her, Amy, Kristen S., and Jaime it might as well been my personal procession of heroes. : )
And today I realized something: socially I make no difference. I'm not like Laura in respect that I am the life of the party, no one really looks for me (save my dad, but that's a different story : ) ), and when people recall social events I am invariably forgotten about. But that's just how I am, I will affect people deeply but anonymously, if I affect them at all. In my presence people act a certain way around me and react to me differently but when I am not around I make no difference what so ever. I know I'm not popular, never have been never will be, but it's striking. Especially since this is the life I live and well, it's not like I can get out of it. I don't stand out; that does bother me. Especially since I want to make a name for myself, and how shall I make a name if I am not remembered.
I was bold: I went up to Webster's drum majors and congratulated them on their show. I LOVE Webster's show. Their drum majors are nice, not condescending (better than I can say for Oswego's) and well, just nice.
Afterwards my dad picked me up and we had a nice conversation. I do love my Dad.
By the end of the night there were a handful of people who weren't getting on my nerves. I'm so sick of this high school folly; drama and fakeness. It's most apparent to me in the senior class for some reason, though I am not so naive to think it's only there. I was around a different set of people and then realized something else: I am getting swallowed into it. Birds of feather flock together, yes I know, my problem is I am a raven among blue jays, but my feathers seem like they are getting lighter. I have to be careful. That is why I feel I am getting dramatic, because everyone else around me is. Sour moods are contagious, and so is drama. I mean, it's such the cool thing to do.
And I need to sleep now. Good night everyone, and may the Lord rest your tired souls...