(no subject)
It's really hard to interpret my emotions lately. I feel like one minute I'm really happy and loving life and the next I'm feeling down. I think what it boils down to is that I'm sensitive--particularly when it comes to dating/relationship stuff. And it's interesting b/c I didn't realize how sensitive I was. I think of myself as pretty strong, but in all seriousness I'm not.
The thing is, I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think it's b/c I keep putting myself out there--I keep trying and feeling like I'm getting closer to really meeting someone that I have a special connection with and then: nope. But, I also realize I kind of have super ridiculous expectations. For example, this stuff with Nick (new Nick from Northeastern)--I've been kind of :-\ sad that we haven't been able to see each other yet and I'm taking it as a character flaw against me b/c I think he isn't interested and doesn't want to hang out with me/get to know me. But the thing is, we've been on two dates. Two dates. I want to slap myself in the face and say, Matthew, this is ridiculous! You've been on 2 dates, there's NO WAY you guys can like each other more than a mutual attraction and on a bit of a friend level. And yet I can't help but feel rejected, like he doesn't want to hang out with me. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why I have these unrealistic expectations--why do I feel like after 2 or 3 dates me and said boy should want to hang out all the time? I think it's b/c with (old) Nick, things happened fast, but I also stood back, let him be obsessive until I caught on. But there was always a two-way thing going on. Then Danny was acting really obsessive and texting me like every hour. And I would respond and just ride with it. Until all of a sudden things changed. And truthfully, I like it that way. I like it when there's no effort and things just blossom. But not everything is going to blossom--and that's what I need to realize. Maybe you need to be friends first. Maybe that's all you'll ever be. There's no harm in searching/discovering. And I would rather put myself out there and know that I'm trying than sit back and be alone and mope. It's just kind of shocking to me how hard it is. And how people give up so easily. I just don't want people to give up on me because I have a lot to offer, and truth be told I want a relationship pretty badly. I guess I need to stop looking. I guess it will all fall into place someday--or it won't, in which case I'll have to find positivity and meaning in my own life journey. We will see. Life is a guessing game, and I'm trying to adjust to not knowing all of the answers.
The thing is, I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think it's b/c I keep putting myself out there--I keep trying and feeling like I'm getting closer to really meeting someone that I have a special connection with and then: nope. But, I also realize I kind of have super ridiculous expectations. For example, this stuff with Nick (new Nick from Northeastern)--I've been kind of :-\ sad that we haven't been able to see each other yet and I'm taking it as a character flaw against me b/c I think he isn't interested and doesn't want to hang out with me/get to know me. But the thing is, we've been on two dates. Two dates. I want to slap myself in the face and say, Matthew, this is ridiculous! You've been on 2 dates, there's NO WAY you guys can like each other more than a mutual attraction and on a bit of a friend level. And yet I can't help but feel rejected, like he doesn't want to hang out with me. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why I have these unrealistic expectations--why do I feel like after 2 or 3 dates me and said boy should want to hang out all the time? I think it's b/c with (old) Nick, things happened fast, but I also stood back, let him be obsessive until I caught on. But there was always a two-way thing going on. Then Danny was acting really obsessive and texting me like every hour. And I would respond and just ride with it. Until all of a sudden things changed. And truthfully, I like it that way. I like it when there's no effort and things just blossom. But not everything is going to blossom--and that's what I need to realize. Maybe you need to be friends first. Maybe that's all you'll ever be. There's no harm in searching/discovering. And I would rather put myself out there and know that I'm trying than sit back and be alone and mope. It's just kind of shocking to me how hard it is. And how people give up so easily. I just don't want people to give up on me because I have a lot to offer, and truth be told I want a relationship pretty badly. I guess I need to stop looking. I guess it will all fall into place someday--or it won't, in which case I'll have to find positivity and meaning in my own life journey. We will see. Life is a guessing game, and I'm trying to adjust to not knowing all of the answers.