social
I hate social interactions. I completely and utterly hate them. I can never get them right. They make me a wreck, anticipating them, trying to think of what I should say, how to say it, how to stand, or sit, how to hold my hands, what to wear. And even the little things. Do you smile big, or middle, or little, or laugh, laugh louder? longer? shorter? I'm terrible at all forms of social interaction, and that's why I hate it.
Sometimes it goes well, and all the nerves and freaking out that led up to it seem worth it. When it goes well, after its done, it's like I'm on a high. I'm, well, happy doesn't cover it. I'm elated. I feel like I've passed a test, a "life" test. Like I'm normal. Like this is what normal people do, and do without freaking out. I think that maybe it means I'm getting better at it. That I'm becoming more like those other people out there who don't get so nervous about these things. That don't always say the wrong thing, and alienate people they want to get to know. That maybe I won't have to go through this before, during, and after every social interaction for the rest of my life.
But then there are times it doesn't go well. And, honestly, times when I just plain can't tell if it went well or not, which is just another symptom of the same issue. And it's devastating.
Because I know that every interaction matters. It all weighs in to not just how you are perceived by others, but also how you perceive yourself, and how THEY perceive themselves. And the idea that I've made someone think poorly of me is bad, but the idea that I've made someone think less of themselves is horrid.
Sometimes I just want to go away where there's noone but me, and stay there. Sometimes I think it'd be better for all parties involved.
Sometimes it goes well, and all the nerves and freaking out that led up to it seem worth it. When it goes well, after its done, it's like I'm on a high. I'm, well, happy doesn't cover it. I'm elated. I feel like I've passed a test, a "life" test. Like I'm normal. Like this is what normal people do, and do without freaking out. I think that maybe it means I'm getting better at it. That I'm becoming more like those other people out there who don't get so nervous about these things. That don't always say the wrong thing, and alienate people they want to get to know. That maybe I won't have to go through this before, during, and after every social interaction for the rest of my life.
But then there are times it doesn't go well. And, honestly, times when I just plain can't tell if it went well or not, which is just another symptom of the same issue. And it's devastating.
Because I know that every interaction matters. It all weighs in to not just how you are perceived by others, but also how you perceive yourself, and how THEY perceive themselves. And the idea that I've made someone think poorly of me is bad, but the idea that I've made someone think less of themselves is horrid.
Sometimes I just want to go away where there's noone but me, and stay there. Sometimes I think it'd be better for all parties involved.