(no subject)
You know, I am not a suicidal person by nature - too damn stubborn - but lately, there seems to be a peace associated with it.
Not gonna. Won't leave my kiddos. No worries.
Last week's visit with Tony was...rough. And by the time I got into work Monday morning, I went from deeply depressed, to deeply depressed and extremely pissed. So I decided I have been more than nice, and more than fair, and certainly more than accommodating to this place. And I sent a rather upset email (carefully done, though, when I was supposed to be working...I put in enough hours here, I can take half of one for myself) to my son's Case Manager telling her exactly how I felt & how upset I was.
Know what? I now have UN-supervised visits & telephone conversations with him, he IS allowed to see pictures of his brother & other family members, she will discuss the problem with the Staff and see that nothing like this happens again. And I got a personal apology from her, as well. So, I think things are looking as up as they can be in that direction. Finally.
Why the mention of suicide?
I'm tired of this life. I work my ass off, with nothing to show for it because it goes to the apartment, utilities, the boys, gas in the car, etc. And now there is something pretty bad wrong with the car - and me without the money to fix it has to rely on Joe to get his father to look at it. Granted, his father is a mechanic, but I hate depending on people like that, like I hate to borrow money that I say I will repay but am never able to do.
Here at work, I messed up a file today, by not jumping on it the moment it came in late last week (May 30th). In my defense, the end of the month is a real bad time for me, because I am a real estate paralegal first, with estate planning, probate work and personal injury vying for second place. So I have a Lender upset with me, one who is a personal friend of my boss, Michael. I have a possible solution worked out for the issue, but it's up to her whether she will accept it, and I just hate that I dropped the ball on something like this. Though...in all honesty, she wants these loans to close by Monday because it reflects better on her bottom line if a loan closes before the 15th. The rate locks on these two loans do not expire until the end of this month...that means they could close on each loan by the 20th, disburse on the 25th, and there would be no rate lock issue. Still...she IS a friend of Mike. So, I worry.
I am at work right now, in fact. Getting ready to leave. I was waiting for the past hour for her to call me back. And what have I done while waiting? Pulled every file on my desk off and re-organized so that I can get a better handle on the stuff coming in. I had to.
Of course, I know it could always be worse. On that note, I am leaving, I cannot take any more of this. Going to go home, take a soothing bubble bath, and go to bed early, so I can get a decent night's sleep & get up to do it all again tomorrow morning. Sigh...