Life...why bother?
For those of you who may not know, Tony, my teen, was sent to a special school in Mass-hole-chusetts (sorry...just how I feel at the moment) on May 2nd, where he will be for the next 12-18 months. Basically, he needs to learn the stuff that a good mom should have succeeded in teaching him. Since he did not learn those lessons, I can only assume that I was not a good enough teacher...something the ex-husband and his new, 23-year-old wife, like to remind me of fairly regularly. Amazing, how things turn out. I get villified for dating someone younger than me...he marries one a dozen years younger. Yep...amazing.
Anyhow...two weeks ago, Anthony turned 15 years old - can you believe he made it that far? I have a hard time with that one. My other son, Connor, turned 11 today. I called both of them on their birthdays to wish them happy, and they both appreciated that. I took Connor up to visit his brother on Mother's Day, as well, which he & Tony thoroughly enjoyed. I went to schedule him for a visit last weekend, however, and was told he was no allowed to come up - they had bent the rule for the holiday, apparently. So I scheduled a solitary visit - not like anyone else can go - and drove the two hours to Barre, MA...only to be told they had me down for a later time, 10-12, not 8:30-10:30. I didn't blow...though I sure as hell was seething...and ended up getting in to see him after all. Due to the visit with him and the rush to get back to Connor's baseball game, plus the Festival of the Lion meeting that night, I drove more than 340 miles that one day; I left my house at 6:30 am and returned at 10:30 pm. NEVER, EVER AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT THE REASON.
The next day, having to head back up to Leicester, MA for sword practice, I asked my BF if he would like to go. As it was being held in a gaming store due to the expected rain, and not outside onsite, he said sure - he doesn't have much interest in faire-stuff, but he is an avid gamer. Not a problem, he has his habit, I have my hobby, we're good LOL. I asked him if he could drive, given how much I had done the day before. Nope. He would have had to clean out his car (so clean it! I wanted to scream) and he was too tired to focus properly on the road, he had just woken up (like I wasn't tired?). So...I drove my car, which needs new tires, an oil change, and a new sway bar or something. In my spare time with money I do not have, or this would all have been done long before now.
Since Tony was taken to MA, I haven't been able to sleep, unless I take a sleeping pill. If I have closings coming up at work, I take it the night before...otherwise, no. Why bother, I don't want to get hooked on anything. Finances are horrid right now, I cannot afford to get health insurance, even insurance just on myself, so I am doing without...yet, I am starting to have the same ovarian pains that I was having last year, that required surgery, that removed a "mass" from my uterus that had grown from under 2 cm to more than half the size of my uterus in less than three weeks. But what can I do? I can't afford to go see a doctor about it; sure, I can go have surgery again (if it is indeed the same thing) and I can apply for free bed funds...but that does NOTHING for the doctor visits and diagnostic tests required before that stage of the game. Which puts me more in debt, which just brings that Sword of Damocles that much closer to my neck. So, I wait. In July, the office I work for is switching over to Health Savings Accounts - I will have a second job by then so may be able to afford it by then.
At this point, I am trying to stay busy, to ward off the depression that is setting in with a vengeance. I am not fighting this year - can't risk anyone else just because I am so down - so all I have to do for Festival of the Lion is Merchant Coordinator and act as a character. Hopefully, I can manage at least that amount. If not, I am leaving it. I have already scheduled visits with Tony for both of those dates - I will already be in the area, seemed the smart thing to do - hopefully, that will help. Plus I am going to visit him tomorrow - with any luck, the supervisory period will be done so he and I can wander about the grounds instead of having a monito write down whatever we talk about.
Last night he called - right in the midst of a migraine. Right away he started to argue - he wanted me to bring him Irish Spring soap, was what started it . I told him that if he had an issue with the soap he was using to first see the nurse about it, see if they have access to something else that will not dry his skin out so badly, and that after all measures there were exhausted (seeing the nurse) he & I could discuss it later if it was still an issue. You might think hell, just get the kid some soap, right? Wrong. That soap in particular is very strong on him, and for people with nose-sensitive allergies, it will create a much bigger issue than his going to the nurse and getting a different kind that may work out. Did he agree? Not Tony. He argued for 2 minutes, with me trying to get a word in edgewise, until the guard on the other line - yes, there is ALWAYS someone listening...try having ANY kind of conversation like that - the guard broke in and said that I was right, that Anthony needed to talk to the nurse, that he would HELP Anthony talk to the nurse, and "for the love of God, please stop arguing on your weekly 10-minute phone call to your mother". That embarrassed the hell out of me, though I doubt it did Anthony. My reasoning for that is because he was arguing 5 minutes later, all because he was not to be allowed to call his brother today to wish him a Happy B'day. That one, I sort of understood, though let's face it - arguing will not help, so you may as well not do it, which I told him. I also agreed to pass on his wishes to his brother, which I have done. That's all that I can do.
And now, I really should get back to work - yes, I am still here. Have been for 12 hours so far. Maybe I will go home at 15. Who knows? Just can't stand being there in an empty apartment these days.