Feel the Fear…and Do it Anyway

[maevemacaraab]

I’m slowly reading this book (title above) by Susan Jeffers and it’s really making me think a lot about how I approach life’s challenges. I had already come to peace with some of the things she’s raised in her book (issues that my therapist had brought up), but it’s really nice to read some finer details as to why we deal the way we do with regards

Comments

[bramblekite]

I really liked what _The New Intimacy_ had to say about jealousy. The More Evolved Poly set always wants to tell you how stupid you are for feeling such a thing, and how it means that you think you "own" your partner and you just end up feeling beaten up and shamed, when you were already beating up on yourself for having the damn feelings in the first place, when you ought to know better.

The book basically breaks down jealousy into some component parts that make it easier to think about and talk about.

1) possessiveness, the typical jealousy that everyone says is so horrible and unevolved and bla bla bla

2) the feeling of being excluded

3) competition/specialness. You want to be the 'best' and you want what you have with your partner to be unique in some way.

4) sex/gender role jealousy [you can't be a good wife if you are out being someone's girlfriend. You can't be a good husband if you are out being someone's lover]

5) Fear. Fear of being left, fear of being lonely, fear of being rejected, fear of how the relationship will change with the addition of other people.

I'm simplifying and over-summarizing, but for me this was an excellent chapter to read and gives a better jumping off point for communication and (imho) healthier discussion. Trying to figure out what you're afraid of and why is more helpful than being judged and dismissed because you're afraid and unhappy and can't put your finger on why, and you'd rather curl up and die than cop to the usual definition of Jealousy="Mine, mine, mine, not yours!"