why can't i yell at you??
i'm angry at you...
why is that so hard for me to say outloud and especially to you. i can get angry so easily at other people, why are you different? why can't i just tell you how much you've pissed me off lately? why can't i ignore you every time you try to talk to me the way you've ignored me when its not convenient for you to talk to me? why do i have absolutely no backbone when it comes to you? this is getting ridiculous. i've never been like this before. anyone else, anyone i can tell them how much they anger me. and i have. why can't i just lose my very short-fused temper with you. its not fair. i wanna scream at you till my throat kills. i want to make you understand how much you've hurt me in the past weeks. i want you to know that every time i think of you i get a little sick to my stomach. i want to tell you so muhc, but i can't. i'm resigned to sit here with my mouth shut because i can't bring myself to say the things i desperately need to say.
i think i'm afraid that you'll walk away and not look back if i do say something.
i hate change. i know life is all about change... but why??? i just want things to remain the way they were. i liked things the way they were. i was happy then. granted life was not all great, but at least i had you to turn to. i knew you'd be there to listen and to make me forget how much pain i was in. now all i've got is pain. pain and lots of tears no one is allowed to see. 'cause ya see, i have to be strong. i'm always the strong one. i'm the one that others come to crying and i help fix problems, i don't have them. i didn't like breaking down in front of liz the other weekend. and i don't want to do it again. its times like this that i really miss marilyn and monica. i was ok breaking down in front of them. especially marilyn. she'd listen and tell me something to make me feel better, while at the same time helping me figure out whatever was wrong. how do i figure this out? i sit here and all i want to do is cry. i just want to start crying and not stop. i know if i do start i won't be able to stop.
this is supposed to be the best year ever. i'm supposed to be having so much fun and be so happy. why am i so not? i shouldn't be spending the fridays of my senior year sitting alone in my room crying for reasons even i can't explain. i don't blame you for that, but i do think you could do a better job involving me in your life because after all "we've gotten really close this past semester, so we're gonna hang out all the time next year right?" and those were your words not mine. why couldn't you have meant anything you said that weekend? why can't you remember any of it? thats the reason i don't get drunk, because i don't want to say anything important to anyone that i won't remember later- like you did to me.
i'm done. i can't think about this anymore. i have homework to do and a test to study for and you take up too much time and effort. i really hope that he was wrong- i really hope you are worth the effort and that the friendship we had is worth the effort, because its gonna kill if it turns out not to be....
why is that so hard for me to say outloud and especially to you. i can get angry so easily at other people, why are you different? why can't i just tell you how much you've pissed me off lately? why can't i ignore you every time you try to talk to me the way you've ignored me when its not convenient for you to talk to me? why do i have absolutely no backbone when it comes to you? this is getting ridiculous. i've never been like this before. anyone else, anyone i can tell them how much they anger me. and i have. why can't i just lose my very short-fused temper with you. its not fair. i wanna scream at you till my throat kills. i want to make you understand how much you've hurt me in the past weeks. i want you to know that every time i think of you i get a little sick to my stomach. i want to tell you so muhc, but i can't. i'm resigned to sit here with my mouth shut because i can't bring myself to say the things i desperately need to say.
i think i'm afraid that you'll walk away and not look back if i do say something.
i hate change. i know life is all about change... but why??? i just want things to remain the way they were. i liked things the way they were. i was happy then. granted life was not all great, but at least i had you to turn to. i knew you'd be there to listen and to make me forget how much pain i was in. now all i've got is pain. pain and lots of tears no one is allowed to see. 'cause ya see, i have to be strong. i'm always the strong one. i'm the one that others come to crying and i help fix problems, i don't have them. i didn't like breaking down in front of liz the other weekend. and i don't want to do it again. its times like this that i really miss marilyn and monica. i was ok breaking down in front of them. especially marilyn. she'd listen and tell me something to make me feel better, while at the same time helping me figure out whatever was wrong. how do i figure this out? i sit here and all i want to do is cry. i just want to start crying and not stop. i know if i do start i won't be able to stop.
this is supposed to be the best year ever. i'm supposed to be having so much fun and be so happy. why am i so not? i shouldn't be spending the fridays of my senior year sitting alone in my room crying for reasons even i can't explain. i don't blame you for that, but i do think you could do a better job involving me in your life because after all "we've gotten really close this past semester, so we're gonna hang out all the time next year right?" and those were your words not mine. why couldn't you have meant anything you said that weekend? why can't you remember any of it? thats the reason i don't get drunk, because i don't want to say anything important to anyone that i won't remember later- like you did to me.
i'm done. i can't think about this anymore. i have homework to do and a test to study for and you take up too much time and effort. i really hope that he was wrong- i really hope you are worth the effort and that the friendship we had is worth the effort, because its gonna kill if it turns out not to be....