Poly
After the events over the past couple weeks I've had a hard time trying to come terms with the things it seemed I had no choice in doing. I've talked to people in hopes in getting some insight from an outside source and in some ways it has helped me realize at least one thing.
I am Polyamorous. I can't be monogamous and pretending to do so would be a lie to myself and to those I love.
I've been trying my hardest to come up with some solution that avoided me having to hurt somebody or hell even just hurt myself, but there isn't one.
I did my best not to think of things this weekend while I worked but the 5 hour car ride both ways leaves lots of time to reflect, especially when your book finished on the way up.
I've never done this before, being the center of a poly relationship is new to me, caring for multiple people the way I do in new to me, it's hard to balance it but I do the best I can with the options giving to me.
Yes distance is a problem, I've always known that but I'm not one to dwell on the negative aspects of a situation, I focus on the positive and enjoy the time I get to the fullest, that's how /I/ deal with distance. I look forward to the net time I get to see her, I get excited and happier the closer the time gets, if I didn't do this I'd be a wreck, depressed and miserable because I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. Fact is, I can't, things have been set in motion to change that but in the mean time I take what I can get, thankful that I have that kind of love, that I can feel this strongly about someone and have it returned.
So I'm sad. But there's no options left to me that will make anyone happy, me least of all. I'm left sitting here, impossible decisions placed before me and my heart breaking every which way I look.
No matter what I do I make her sad.
No matter what I do I make him sad.
No matter what I do I make myself sad.
I went away up north to dance this weekend, it was last minute notice but it was paid and enough to get me to KG this year which up until now I had no chances of going to. It was an opportunity for me to make my own money and do something for myself, and I'm not sorry I took it. It was an amazing experience even if it was slightly tainted from my own things.
I did what I thought I had to do the things I wanted to. I admit I may have misjudged how I handled telling Jade about it, I shouldn't have waited to get home from being out that night, and if I'd known it would upset her so much I would've called her. But I didn't, and it's past, i have the money to go to KG and only need to borrow a little from my mother to get food, if even that.
I'm happy about this...but I'm worried about what my state will be like by that point. I'm past the point of sadness, I go from numb to crying to back again. Nothing I decide will make anyone happy. And I don't want the weight of anothers happiness on my shoulders, balancing my own is hard enough.
So I'll continue, bottle it up, continue to do the things I need to do, and stick to my plans, no matter what my life is going to change and all I can do it hold on for the ride.
I am Polyamorous. I can't be monogamous and pretending to do so would be a lie to myself and to those I love.
I've been trying my hardest to come up with some solution that avoided me having to hurt somebody or hell even just hurt myself, but there isn't one.
I did my best not to think of things this weekend while I worked but the 5 hour car ride both ways leaves lots of time to reflect, especially when your book finished on the way up.
I've never done this before, being the center of a poly relationship is new to me, caring for multiple people the way I do in new to me, it's hard to balance it but I do the best I can with the options giving to me.
Yes distance is a problem, I've always known that but I'm not one to dwell on the negative aspects of a situation, I focus on the positive and enjoy the time I get to the fullest, that's how /I/ deal with distance. I look forward to the net time I get to see her, I get excited and happier the closer the time gets, if I didn't do this I'd be a wreck, depressed and miserable because I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. Fact is, I can't, things have been set in motion to change that but in the mean time I take what I can get, thankful that I have that kind of love, that I can feel this strongly about someone and have it returned.
So I'm sad. But there's no options left to me that will make anyone happy, me least of all. I'm left sitting here, impossible decisions placed before me and my heart breaking every which way I look.
No matter what I do I make her sad.
No matter what I do I make him sad.
No matter what I do I make myself sad.
I went away up north to dance this weekend, it was last minute notice but it was paid and enough to get me to KG this year which up until now I had no chances of going to. It was an opportunity for me to make my own money and do something for myself, and I'm not sorry I took it. It was an amazing experience even if it was slightly tainted from my own things.
I did what I thought I had to do the things I wanted to. I admit I may have misjudged how I handled telling Jade about it, I shouldn't have waited to get home from being out that night, and if I'd known it would upset her so much I would've called her. But I didn't, and it's past, i have the money to go to KG and only need to borrow a little from my mother to get food, if even that.
I'm happy about this...but I'm worried about what my state will be like by that point. I'm past the point of sadness, I go from numb to crying to back again. Nothing I decide will make anyone happy. And I don't want the weight of anothers happiness on my shoulders, balancing my own is hard enough.
So I'll continue, bottle it up, continue to do the things I need to do, and stick to my plans, no matter what my life is going to change and all I can do it hold on for the ride.