The only reason that you came, so what you scared for?
And now... Alaina's Fourth Annual Running Commentary for the 80th Academy Awards!
8:27: It’s pronounced Havi-ay, not Xavier! Havi-ay Bardem! God, shut up, Regis!
So I’m also multitasking while commentating - I have to finish my mother’s present before 5 pm tomorrow, and I’m starting to think that will be impossible. But I’m going to try!
8:30: If a certain Astin Martin DB5 is not present in this little montage, I’m gonna be somewhat disappointed. Although, pretty good graphics, for only having a week to put this together.
8:31: WHAT? Arnie’s in charge of delivering the Oscars? WTF?
8:32: JON STEWART! YAY! *claps* Are those racing stripes on his pants, which always make me reminiscent of band uniform pants.
8:33: Go right for the WGA strike stuff - BWAH! Make-up sex!
8:33: Oh right… I can pause live TV! “You know a way to honor the writers? How about inviting the writers to the Vanity Fair party?” SO TRUE.
8:34: Wow - Jon has very hairy knuckles. Why have I not noticed that before?
8:35 - Now that he mentions it, it’s true - there were a lot of psychopathic killers in movies this year! And five minutes in, and we have the first teen pregnancy joke. That brings the tally to one.
8:36: See, Regis? That’s how you pronounce Javier Bardem! Listen to Jon!
8:36 - Now Jon, you used the Hannibal Lector-Dorothy Hammil Wedge Cut joke in an earlier article. SHAME ON YOU! (scroll down to the word association bit)
8:38: First political joke of the night!
8:41: It is a requirement that, when one mentions Diablo Cody, one must also mention her past as a stripper. Or, as Jon eloquently said, “exotic dancer.” And then he elevated the joke by claiming that she makes less money as a screenwriter than as a stripper. Sadly, it is probably true. Also true? I LOVE JON STEWART.
8:43: “Olympia Dukakis”? Really, Jon? You could do much better than that. And here I was going to compliment you on having a smoother monologue than you did two years ago.
8:45: Yay, election talk! “How will we know it’s the future?” Ha!
8:46: He’s able to say “Titler” on Television? Awesome!
8:47: Jennifer Sydney Garner Affleck: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR BANGS?! SPEAKING OF SCISSORS, USE SOME TO CUT YOUR HAIR!
8:47: Oh, I liked last year’s Costume Design idea, having models onstage. And why did that guy in a rendering from Elizabeth look like Lionel Richie?
8:48: Oh, I get to fast-forward through speeches! Yay! Take that, Barbra Streisand!
8:50: Really? 80 years of Oscar? The show is long enough as it is!
8:52: OH MY GOD SNOW WHITE AND ROB LOWE! And then the Titanic theme song starts up. And Kate Winslet isn’t even nominated this year!
8:53: PETER O’TOOLE! And SHUT UP CELINE DION!
8:54: Oh my God, Jon Stewart is watching Lawrence of Arabia on his iPhone. I can’t … stop laughing…
8:55: GET SMART!!
8:56: Michael Scott presents the Animated Feature category and completely fucks it up. Oh, Steve/Michael, I just want to hug you.
8:59: I want to watch Ratatouille now.
9:01: Blah blah blah. If you’re not funny, FAST FORWARD!
9:01: HA! Jon was going to sing! I love him!
9:03: Wow, Amy Adams has an awesome singing voice! I am wholly impressed! I wonder if that was a “costume” for the performance or if it was actually her dress. If it was actually her dress, kudos, Amy, for going away from the really long dresses.
9:06: Yay, I’m on Live TV again!
9:06: Fair enough, Jon Stewart, but I wear my “I <3 Pretzel Day” t-shirt with pride!
9:07: What, did the actors in Get Smart get a group rate or something? Max, 99, Agent 23, and the Chief - was it something where they were the only ones available after the strike let up? And where the fuck's Hymie?
9:09: Oh, right, now I’m on Live TV; I can’t fast-forward through this speech. Shut up, Golden Compass people!
9:10: Cate Blanchett. What the fuck are you wearing? It makes you look tall (which, always a good thing), but it also makes you look totally pregnant and is that a necklace or part of the bodice? Oh, it’s a necklace. It’s still hideous!
Edited to add: I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT.
9:14: KARL MALDEN!
9:15: Oh, Cuba Gooding Jr. Remember when you were awesome? Yeah, us neither.
9:15: Jennifer Hudson: Read by punctuation, not the end of the line on the prompter. Classic Shakespeare trick works for teleprompters, too.
9:16: Wow, Javier Bardem looks a lot like Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
9:16: So I kind of wanted Casey Affleck to win the Best Supporting Oscar because I could imagine they would have the following conversation:
Casey: So I’ve got an Oscar.
Ben: Big deal. So’ve I.
Casey: Yeah, but yours is for Original Screenplay; mine’s for acting.
Ben: *blows a raspberry* Anyone can act; I wrote a whole movie that got Robin Williams an Oscar. That takes talent.
Casey: A Supporting Actor award! [He thrusts his Oscar in Ben’s face] And you had to share your Oscar with Uncle Matt! He wrote most of it!
Ben: First of all, stop calling him "Uncle" Matt. He's not your Uncle.
Casey: He's older than you-
Ben: Shut up. Secondofly, he did not write most of it.
Casey: He told me so when we were in Vegas shooting Ocean’s Thirteen.
Ben: And how deep in Clooney's pocket was he at the time? Because your Uncle Matt has a huge gay crush on Sparky the Gay Dog and he'll say anything to impress the Cloonster.
Casey: Don't call him the Cloonster. He can kill you with one phone call.
[Silence.]
Ben: I directed you to that Oscar, I'll remind you.
Casey: Funny, I thought you directed Gone Baby Gone, not The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward--
Ben: [Shoves his Oscar in Casey’s face] SHUT UP, I WON ONE TOO!
Casey: ME TOO, ASSFACE!
Ben: Who you calling Assface, ASSFACE?
[The Afflecks start dueling with their Oscars]
Jennifer: (Coming out of the bedroom, carrying a crying Violet) Boys, you woke up Violet. Stop fighting, or I’m calling Victor. He was my Spy Daddy; you know what he does to whiny boys who like me.
9:23: Writer Free Montage!!! To Binoculars and Periscopes! And one was from Goldfinger! WOO HOO!
9:26: They’re singing again… alcohol break!
9:29: It’s very brave of Owen Wilson to make his first official post-suicidal-attempt appearance at the Oscars.
9:29: So, live-action short films are only made in foreign countries now?
9:31: DEAR GOD! NO MORE JERRY SEINFELD AS THE BEE! I call an official moratorium on this! It wasn’t funny the first time I saw the trailer, it wasn’t funny during the entire month of November where every other commercial was starring “The Bee”. NO MORE!
9:35: No one mentioned Marisa Tomei in that montage of previous Supporting Actress winners….
9:35: Oh God, if Ruby Dee wins, I’m gonna bawl, because she’s going to mention Ossie…
9:38: Well, now I’m going to cry for an entirely different reason - TILDA! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?! HEFTY BAGS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE OSCAR ATTIRE!
9:44: Oh, Jessica. You poor thing, hosting the Scientific Technical Awards. Next year, you may be able to present a real award. Maybe a Razzie?
9:46: Jon, that joke didn’t make sense. What does Jack being there and two pregnant ladies … oh, never mind. But the joke still doesn’t make sense.
9:46: James MacAvoy looks a bit like a Scottish Topher Grace.
9:47: Okay, you’d think they’d make a bigger deal out of the Screenwriters awards. And what happened to actually reading some of the script? YOU HAD A STRIKE OVER THIS CRAP!
9:50: The Little Coen Brother needs to bleach his teeth.
9:51: John Travolta? He’s still alive?
9:54: Kristin Chenowith must be wearing stilts. Isn’t she usually about 4 foot 5?
10:00: You’re explaining the joke, Jon? Brave of you. Ha! The baby goes to…!
10:03: HA HA HA HA! Seth Rogen and … the other guy! From Superbad! Apparently they're the new Will Ferrell et.al. They'd be funnier if they weren't obviously reading from a script, though.
10:04: If someone gives Transformers an Academy Award, the world will stop spinning. PETER CANNOT BE PROVEN EVEN AN IOTA RIGHT!
10:05: That was funnier, Halle Berry and The Real Halle Berry.
10:06: THAT HORSE BLEW UP!
10:07: Someone thinks he’s Adrien Brody… you’re not.
10:09: You people just glossed over Helen Hunt, didn’t you? Well played, Academy.
10:11: Julie Christie looked a lot like Lucille Bluth in that scene with the wine.
10:13: OH THAT’S EXCELLENT. Congratulations, Marion Cotillard!
10:14: Now that type of genuine surprise and gratitude sincerely warms my heart. I hope she’s not forgotten.
10:18: Who was that kid Jon was playing with?
10:18: Eh. Colin Farrell never did anything for me. And what, my friend, was that you slipped in? Was it Cotillard’s tears?
10:21: This guy looks like a younger, red-headed Anthony Stewart Head.
10:24: ALL ABOUT EVE!!!
10:27: I always forget how pretty Liam Neeson is. And then I see him again. And then I drool a tiny bit.
10:29: WOW. I thought for sure the Coen brothers would win. Go Jason Bourne!
10:31: That’s probably the first time the IMDB has gotten a shout-out on the Oscars.
10:31: NICOLE. Move your necklace, because it looks like it’s cutting the circulation off of one of your new mommy-boobies. And what’s with that random cut to Jennifer Garner? What does she have to do with Nicole Kidman?
10:42: Here’s what’s awesome about that Dancing With the Stars commercial: they said “The New Season will be Sexier." And then they said "Steve Guttenberg."
10:42: And again, they bring out the foreign celebrity for the Foreign Language Award. How about, next year, you have, I dunno, Stephen Colbert present the Foreign Language Award? Because, eventually, you’re going to run out of foreign celebrities.
10:47: Oh, Little Bastard! How far you’ve come from kicking Brad’s ass in Little League!
10:48: Who is that kid? He looks like Paul Rudd.
10:48: Oh, WHATEVER, TRAVOLTA. Go back to your grave, ya vampire. *snort* Okay, now I’m imagining a Buffy crossover where John Travolta is a vampire that Buffy needs to kill. In my head, this is hilarious.
10:52: Okay, that jet bit with Travolta was great. HA! Move your jet, Travolta!!
10:57: Awwwwwww…. Jon’s letting the woman from Once give her thank-yous! JON STEWART FOR THE ABSOLUTE WIN!
10:59: Dear Academy: People need to be able to pronounce “cinematography” in order to give an award for it.
11:01: DEATH REEL!!
11:02: Heath Ledger will either be first or last. Okay, last.
11:02: I FORGOT MONEYPENNY DIED!! OH! A CHRISTMAS STORY! *sniff*
11:05: There had to have been more people that died besides Suzanne Pleshette, Deborah Kerr, and Heath Ledger (and Moneypenny).
11:08: Amy - pull your hair behind your shoulders, because right now, we can’t see your face. And that dress makes your boobs look like Mickey Mouse’s head.
11:11: Hee! Ribbing on Tom Hanks is always funny! And YAY! He’s back to the pre-Da Vinci Code hair! REJOICE!!
11:14: How were the Army people in Baghdad able to announce the winner? Did they pre-film all four possible winners, and then have very slick editing? Or were they sworn to secrecy about the real winner?
11:15: It is horrible that now, when someone mentions Rousseau, I think of the crazy lady from Lost, not the French philosopher. Damn you, J.J. Abrams, and your penchant for thickly-sliced metaphor!
11:19: Oh! Elton John borrowed Cameron Diaz’s hair gel again!
11:23: “Or an Auto Dealership”? Come on, Jon, I know you can do better than that. Come on, Indy! Fight back! Speaking of fighting, how the hell are you going to be able to run from Nazis this summer? You can barely read the prompter.
11:25: Oh my God. Diablo Cody is wearing one of her old costumes.
11:25: THANK YOU, DIABLO CODY, FOR THANKING THE WRITERS. CHRIST ON A STICK, ACADEMY! YOU JUST GOT OUT OF A STRIKE WITH THESE PEOPLE!
11:29: And now that John Wayne’s got an Oscar, he’s going to go and build an airport, so he can fly away from his feelings.
11:30: OH MY GOD, Helen Mirren is STUNNING. And she said COJONES.
11:33: Why is Tommy Lee Jones in a sex shoppe? That’s very, very odd.
11:35: Congratulations, Mr. Day-Lewis. But - what? The Oscar is a sapling from Paul Thomas Anderson’s head? The hell? Look, I know you’re a bit crazy, and mostly an auteur, but that made no sense!
11:40: And this is why I love Walter Matthau, and miss him terribly. "Some directors are short, and some are tall," indeed.
11:41: OH GOD. I thought I had escaped the “King of the World” speech. Damn you, Katherine Heigl, you ruin everything! *sniff* And Marty’s speech still makes me sniff.
11:42: Now that Marty’s onstage, GO SEE SHINE A LIGHT when it comes out in April. I’m not even a Stones fan, but it looks awesome.
11:43: YES! GO COEN BROTHERS! I like the Short Coen (apparently Ethan). Short (literally), sweet, and to the point. Awesome.
11:44: I want to see Henry Kissenger: Man on the Go. I’ll bet it’s amazing.
11:45: Oh, George Michael (Bluth) is so cute!
11:46: Just … amazing. So glad for the Coens. Brad says this movie is amazing, and I totally have to see it now.
11:47: Three hours, seventeen minutes, and Jon Stewart didn’t make an single Death to Smoochy reference!
8:27: It’s pronounced Havi-ay, not Xavier! Havi-ay Bardem! God, shut up, Regis!
So I’m also multitasking while commentating - I have to finish my mother’s present before 5 pm tomorrow, and I’m starting to think that will be impossible. But I’m going to try!
8:30: If a certain Astin Martin DB5 is not present in this little montage, I’m gonna be somewhat disappointed. Although, pretty good graphics, for only having a week to put this together.
8:31: WHAT? Arnie’s in charge of delivering the Oscars? WTF?
8:32: JON STEWART! YAY! *claps* Are those racing stripes on his pants, which always make me reminiscent of band uniform pants.
8:33: Go right for the WGA strike stuff - BWAH! Make-up sex!
8:33: Oh right… I can pause live TV! “You know a way to honor the writers? How about inviting the writers to the Vanity Fair party?” SO TRUE.
8:34: Wow - Jon has very hairy knuckles. Why have I not noticed that before?
8:35 - Now that he mentions it, it’s true - there were a lot of psychopathic killers in movies this year! And five minutes in, and we have the first teen pregnancy joke. That brings the tally to one.
8:36: See, Regis? That’s how you pronounce Javier Bardem! Listen to Jon!
8:36 - Now Jon, you used the Hannibal Lector-Dorothy Hammil Wedge Cut joke in an earlier article. SHAME ON YOU! (scroll down to the word association bit)
8:38: First political joke of the night!
8:41: It is a requirement that, when one mentions Diablo Cody, one must also mention her past as a stripper. Or, as Jon eloquently said, “exotic dancer.” And then he elevated the joke by claiming that she makes less money as a screenwriter than as a stripper. Sadly, it is probably true. Also true? I LOVE JON STEWART.
8:43: “Olympia Dukakis”? Really, Jon? You could do much better than that. And here I was going to compliment you on having a smoother monologue than you did two years ago.
8:45: Yay, election talk! “How will we know it’s the future?” Ha!
8:46: He’s able to say “Titler” on Television? Awesome!
8:47: Jennifer Sydney Garner Affleck: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR BANGS?! SPEAKING OF SCISSORS, USE SOME TO CUT YOUR HAIR!
8:47: Oh, I liked last year’s Costume Design idea, having models onstage. And why did that guy in a rendering from Elizabeth look like Lionel Richie?
8:48: Oh, I get to fast-forward through speeches! Yay! Take that, Barbra Streisand!
8:50: Really? 80 years of Oscar? The show is long enough as it is!
8:52: OH MY GOD SNOW WHITE AND ROB LOWE! And then the Titanic theme song starts up. And Kate Winslet isn’t even nominated this year!
8:53: PETER O’TOOLE! And SHUT UP CELINE DION!
8:54: Oh my God, Jon Stewart is watching Lawrence of Arabia on his iPhone. I can’t … stop laughing…
8:55: GET SMART!!
8:56: Michael Scott presents the Animated Feature category and completely fucks it up. Oh, Steve/Michael, I just want to hug you.
8:59: I want to watch Ratatouille now.
9:01: Blah blah blah. If you’re not funny, FAST FORWARD!
9:01: HA! Jon was going to sing! I love him!
9:03: Wow, Amy Adams has an awesome singing voice! I am wholly impressed! I wonder if that was a “costume” for the performance or if it was actually her dress. If it was actually her dress, kudos, Amy, for going away from the really long dresses.
9:06: Yay, I’m on Live TV again!
9:06: Fair enough, Jon Stewart, but I wear my “I <3 Pretzel Day” t-shirt with pride!
9:07: What, did the actors in Get Smart get a group rate or something? Max, 99, Agent 23, and the Chief - was it something where they were the only ones available after the strike let up? And where the fuck's Hymie?
9:09: Oh, right, now I’m on Live TV; I can’t fast-forward through this speech. Shut up, Golden Compass people!
9:10: Cate Blanchett. What the fuck are you wearing? It makes you look tall (which, always a good thing), but it also makes you look totally pregnant and is that a necklace or part of the bodice? Oh, it’s a necklace. It’s still hideous!
Edited to add: I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT.
9:14: KARL MALDEN!
9:15: Oh, Cuba Gooding Jr. Remember when you were awesome? Yeah, us neither.
9:15: Jennifer Hudson: Read by punctuation, not the end of the line on the prompter. Classic Shakespeare trick works for teleprompters, too.
9:16: Wow, Javier Bardem looks a lot like Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
9:16: So I kind of wanted Casey Affleck to win the Best Supporting Oscar because I could imagine they would have the following conversation:
Casey: So I’ve got an Oscar.
Ben: Big deal. So’ve I.
Casey: Yeah, but yours is for Original Screenplay; mine’s for acting.
Ben: *blows a raspberry* Anyone can act; I wrote a whole movie that got Robin Williams an Oscar. That takes talent.
Casey: A Supporting Actor award! [He thrusts his Oscar in Ben’s face] And you had to share your Oscar with Uncle Matt! He wrote most of it!
Ben: First of all, stop calling him "Uncle" Matt. He's not your Uncle.
Casey: He's older than you-
Ben: Shut up. Secondofly, he did not write most of it.
Casey: He told me so when we were in Vegas shooting Ocean’s Thirteen.
Ben: And how deep in Clooney's pocket was he at the time? Because your Uncle Matt has a huge gay crush on Sparky the Gay Dog and he'll say anything to impress the Cloonster.
Casey: Don't call him the Cloonster. He can kill you with one phone call.
[Silence.]
Ben: I directed you to that Oscar, I'll remind you.
Casey: Funny, I thought you directed Gone Baby Gone, not The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward--
Ben: [Shoves his Oscar in Casey’s face] SHUT UP, I WON ONE TOO!
Casey: ME TOO, ASSFACE!
Ben: Who you calling Assface, ASSFACE?
[The Afflecks start dueling with their Oscars]
Jennifer: (Coming out of the bedroom, carrying a crying Violet) Boys, you woke up Violet. Stop fighting, or I’m calling Victor. He was my Spy Daddy; you know what he does to whiny boys who like me.
9:23: Writer Free Montage!!! To Binoculars and Periscopes! And one was from Goldfinger! WOO HOO!
9:26: They’re singing again… alcohol break!
9:29: It’s very brave of Owen Wilson to make his first official post-suicidal-attempt appearance at the Oscars.
9:29: So, live-action short films are only made in foreign countries now?
9:31: DEAR GOD! NO MORE JERRY SEINFELD AS THE BEE! I call an official moratorium on this! It wasn’t funny the first time I saw the trailer, it wasn’t funny during the entire month of November where every other commercial was starring “The Bee”. NO MORE!
9:35: No one mentioned Marisa Tomei in that montage of previous Supporting Actress winners….
9:35: Oh God, if Ruby Dee wins, I’m gonna bawl, because she’s going to mention Ossie…
9:38: Well, now I’m going to cry for an entirely different reason - TILDA! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?! HEFTY BAGS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE OSCAR ATTIRE!
9:44: Oh, Jessica. You poor thing, hosting the Scientific Technical Awards. Next year, you may be able to present a real award. Maybe a Razzie?
9:46: Jon, that joke didn’t make sense. What does Jack being there and two pregnant ladies … oh, never mind. But the joke still doesn’t make sense.
9:46: James MacAvoy looks a bit like a Scottish Topher Grace.
9:47: Okay, you’d think they’d make a bigger deal out of the Screenwriters awards. And what happened to actually reading some of the script? YOU HAD A STRIKE OVER THIS CRAP!
9:50: The Little Coen Brother needs to bleach his teeth.
9:51: John Travolta? He’s still alive?
9:54: Kristin Chenowith must be wearing stilts. Isn’t she usually about 4 foot 5?
10:00: You’re explaining the joke, Jon? Brave of you. Ha! The baby goes to…!
10:03: HA HA HA HA! Seth Rogen and … the other guy! From Superbad! Apparently they're the new Will Ferrell et.al. They'd be funnier if they weren't obviously reading from a script, though.
10:04: If someone gives Transformers an Academy Award, the world will stop spinning. PETER CANNOT BE PROVEN EVEN AN IOTA RIGHT!
10:05: That was funnier, Halle Berry and The Real Halle Berry.
10:06: THAT HORSE BLEW UP!
10:07: Someone thinks he’s Adrien Brody… you’re not.
10:09: You people just glossed over Helen Hunt, didn’t you? Well played, Academy.
10:11: Julie Christie looked a lot like Lucille Bluth in that scene with the wine.
10:13: OH THAT’S EXCELLENT. Congratulations, Marion Cotillard!
10:14: Now that type of genuine surprise and gratitude sincerely warms my heart. I hope she’s not forgotten.
10:18: Who was that kid Jon was playing with?
10:18: Eh. Colin Farrell never did anything for me. And what, my friend, was that you slipped in? Was it Cotillard’s tears?
10:21: This guy looks like a younger, red-headed Anthony Stewart Head.
10:24: ALL ABOUT EVE!!!
10:27: I always forget how pretty Liam Neeson is. And then I see him again. And then I drool a tiny bit.
10:29: WOW. I thought for sure the Coen brothers would win. Go Jason Bourne!
10:31: That’s probably the first time the IMDB has gotten a shout-out on the Oscars.
10:31: NICOLE. Move your necklace, because it looks like it’s cutting the circulation off of one of your new mommy-boobies. And what’s with that random cut to Jennifer Garner? What does she have to do with Nicole Kidman?
10:42: Here’s what’s awesome about that Dancing With the Stars commercial: they said “The New Season will be Sexier." And then they said "Steve Guttenberg."
10:42: And again, they bring out the foreign celebrity for the Foreign Language Award. How about, next year, you have, I dunno, Stephen Colbert present the Foreign Language Award? Because, eventually, you’re going to run out of foreign celebrities.
10:47: Oh, Little Bastard! How far you’ve come from kicking Brad’s ass in Little League!
10:48: Who is that kid? He looks like Paul Rudd.
10:48: Oh, WHATEVER, TRAVOLTA. Go back to your grave, ya vampire. *snort* Okay, now I’m imagining a Buffy crossover where John Travolta is a vampire that Buffy needs to kill. In my head, this is hilarious.
10:52: Okay, that jet bit with Travolta was great. HA! Move your jet, Travolta!!
10:57: Awwwwwww…. Jon’s letting the woman from Once give her thank-yous! JON STEWART FOR THE ABSOLUTE WIN!
10:59: Dear Academy: People need to be able to pronounce “cinematography” in order to give an award for it.
11:01: DEATH REEL!!
11:02: Heath Ledger will either be first or last. Okay, last.
11:02: I FORGOT MONEYPENNY DIED!! OH! A CHRISTMAS STORY! *sniff*
11:05: There had to have been more people that died besides Suzanne Pleshette, Deborah Kerr, and Heath Ledger (and Moneypenny).
11:08: Amy - pull your hair behind your shoulders, because right now, we can’t see your face. And that dress makes your boobs look like Mickey Mouse’s head.
11:11: Hee! Ribbing on Tom Hanks is always funny! And YAY! He’s back to the pre-Da Vinci Code hair! REJOICE!!
11:14: How were the Army people in Baghdad able to announce the winner? Did they pre-film all four possible winners, and then have very slick editing? Or were they sworn to secrecy about the real winner?
11:15: It is horrible that now, when someone mentions Rousseau, I think of the crazy lady from Lost, not the French philosopher. Damn you, J.J. Abrams, and your penchant for thickly-sliced metaphor!
11:19: Oh! Elton John borrowed Cameron Diaz’s hair gel again!
11:23: “Or an Auto Dealership”? Come on, Jon, I know you can do better than that. Come on, Indy! Fight back! Speaking of fighting, how the hell are you going to be able to run from Nazis this summer? You can barely read the prompter.
11:25: Oh my God. Diablo Cody is wearing one of her old costumes.
11:25: THANK YOU, DIABLO CODY, FOR THANKING THE WRITERS. CHRIST ON A STICK, ACADEMY! YOU JUST GOT OUT OF A STRIKE WITH THESE PEOPLE!
11:29: And now that John Wayne’s got an Oscar, he’s going to go and build an airport, so he can fly away from his feelings.
11:30: OH MY GOD, Helen Mirren is STUNNING. And she said COJONES.
11:33: Why is Tommy Lee Jones in a sex shoppe? That’s very, very odd.
11:35: Congratulations, Mr. Day-Lewis. But - what? The Oscar is a sapling from Paul Thomas Anderson’s head? The hell? Look, I know you’re a bit crazy, and mostly an auteur, but that made no sense!
11:40: And this is why I love Walter Matthau, and miss him terribly. "Some directors are short, and some are tall," indeed.
11:41: OH GOD. I thought I had escaped the “King of the World” speech. Damn you, Katherine Heigl, you ruin everything! *sniff* And Marty’s speech still makes me sniff.
11:42: Now that Marty’s onstage, GO SEE SHINE A LIGHT when it comes out in April. I’m not even a Stones fan, but it looks awesome.
11:43: YES! GO COEN BROTHERS! I like the Short Coen (apparently Ethan). Short (literally), sweet, and to the point. Awesome.
11:44: I want to see Henry Kissenger: Man on the Go. I’ll bet it’s amazing.
11:45: Oh, George Michael (Bluth) is so cute!
11:46: Just … amazing. So glad for the Coens. Brad says this movie is amazing, and I totally have to see it now.
11:47: Three hours, seventeen minutes, and Jon Stewart didn’t make an single Death to Smoochy reference!