I'd call that a bargain, the best I ever had
Gacked from xanthophyllippa: Comment with the words "Top Ten" or "Top Five", and I will reply with a subject for which you will generate a top ten (or top five) list. Post the list and instructions in your own journal.
xanthophyllippa challenged me with: "Top Ten Ways [My] Day Would Be Better If Pirates Showed Up At Bean's."
It was the most awesome prompt, and I'm probably going to be late for work because I HAD TO FINISH IT BEFORE I LEFT. :)
10. The look on Judy’s face when she sees the first pirate walk onto the Mezzanine would be priceless. Judy is the type of person that hates any deviation from the norm, and pirates showing up at Bean’s is as far from normal as one can get. She wouldn’t greet the pirate, even though since the pirate is in her zone, she should be greeting him in order to comply with GUIDE protocols. Instead, she’d calmly sneak off the Mezzanine and approach me.
“Who are those people?” she’d whisper in her scary voice. “It’s not Halloween, and they’re dressed really funny.”
“I think they’re pirates,” I’d respond with my trademark sarcasm.
“Oh,” she’d sigh with disgust and a roll of her eyes. “They’re your friends.” And she'd stalk away, leaving me alone for the rest of the day, which would be awesome.
9. Mac would come out of his office (read: The Accessories Closet, not an office at all), grumbling about how his signs haven’t come in yet. He would be completely unaware that there was a battle royale raging on the sales floor.
The scene he would miss: Pirates swinging from sales signs hanging from the ceiling; Matt trying to defend himself against two pirates with only his karate skills, which in this case isn’t helping considering the pirates have swords; Alaina engaged in swordplay, the girl using a ski pole as a cutlass. Polo shirts are thrown everywhere in the melee, and Johnny O is valiantly trying to protect his precious chinos.
Traditionally, management is nowhere to be found.
But Mac is oblivious to all this. Instead, he manages to walk right through the battle without getting a scratch on him. He turns just in time to avoid a shot from a pistol, which manages to hit the new directional sign in the lobby, and topples it with a loud crash.
He places a sale sign on a tier table, complaining that the merchandise is still there, three months after the sale price had been initiated. He walks back through the battle, but this time, as Alaina swings back to decapitate a particularly nasty pirate, she manages to catch Mac in the back of the head with her ski pole.
The crotchety old bastard would crumble to the ground, unconscious. Alaina wouldn’t believe her luck.
“All it took was a pirate attack to get him to shut up for five minutes,” Alaina would wonder, then turn back to the pirate.
8. A lone pirate would stalk through the sandwich floor, looking for wealthy men or women he could ransom later. When he enters Kelly's cubicle, he finds her in a liplock with Brad.
Another pirate would pass the awkward scene at just that moment. Making it more awkward, this second pirate would be dragging Alaina back to the ship, and when she glanced upon the scene, she'd shriek with glee, "I KNEW IT!"
7. Joanne would entertain the entire pirate crew by telling bawdy tales and referencing her tits. The pirates would declare her to be a right good wench, and they’d shower her with gold pieces and jewelry. She’d then ask them to reward her daughter, meaning me, and then I’d get gold pieces and jewelry too.
6. Marilyn would be able to cross “Guy Who Looks Like a Pirate” off her Bingo Card.
5. Ken would be captured by the pirates because he’s too pretty; they’d sell him as a slave to an Egyptian princess and would be put into her harem.
4. Jean would become insanely jealous of Ken’s capture, wondering why he wasn’t kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery too. After the battle, he’d go home to his wife and kids, and dream of a life that could have been, if only the pirates had seen him first.
3. The captain of the pirates would approach Johnny-O and with a loud roar, thrust the sword in John’s face as a symbol of a challenge. John would merely blink, uncross his arms from his chest and place his hands on his hips, and roar back, scarier and louder.
As if in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, the pirate would turn tail and run away, whimpering. John would merely re-cross his arms over his chest, and proceed to survey the pirate attack from the safety of the Pants zone, his domain.
2. Sarah would read in the New York Times a piece in the Human Interest Section about how the L.L. Bean Flagship Store was attacked by pirates over the weekend. With a sigh of despair, Sarah would whine, “Aw, that was my idea! The pirates owe me!”
She’d leave her post at AMDA and travel far and wide, searching for the pirates that stole her glory. After traveling for a few years, she’d come across the ship off the coast of Barbados, and armed only with a knife bought in Chinatown, her karate skills, and her sharp wit, she’d overtake the pirates and become the new captain, fulfilling her dream of being a pirate.
With a gleam in her eye, she’d grasp the wheel and whisper, “Now bring me that horizon.”
1. The pirate would walk in, and see me helping out in Footwear. He would determine that I am a pretty lass, and jumping over the display of Maine Hunting Shoes on the aisle, he’d grab me around the waist and brandish his sword.
“The lass is mine, unless ye be wanting to pay a hearty ransom.”
I’d look at Brad and Dick Brown with fear in my eyes, but Jeff (my manager) would arrive on the scene, assess the situation, and say, “eh, we can always get another Department Trainer. Besides, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
My screams of “He’s not a terrorist, he’s a pirate, you can negotiate with pirates” would go unheeded. He’d meet up with his crew outside, and with their booty of boots and compasses, they’d carry me off to the ship.
Once on board, I manage to convince them that using me for sex or killing me would be a bad idea, because I’m not scared, in fact, I want to be a pirate. The captain would mull it over …
Five years later…
Five years later, a calm morning at L.L. Bean would be ruined when a masked pirate storms through the Discovery Pond Lobby doors.
“Avast, ye landlubbers,” she’d yell. “Cower before me, the Dread Pirate Alaina! I come for one thing: revenge!”
And now, off to work. MAYBE THERE WILL BE PIRATES!!
xanthophyllippa challenged me with: "Top Ten Ways [My] Day Would Be Better If Pirates Showed Up At Bean's."
It was the most awesome prompt, and I'm probably going to be late for work because I HAD TO FINISH IT BEFORE I LEFT. :)
10. The look on Judy’s face when she sees the first pirate walk onto the Mezzanine would be priceless. Judy is the type of person that hates any deviation from the norm, and pirates showing up at Bean’s is as far from normal as one can get. She wouldn’t greet the pirate, even though since the pirate is in her zone, she should be greeting him in order to comply with GUIDE protocols. Instead, she’d calmly sneak off the Mezzanine and approach me.
“Who are those people?” she’d whisper in her scary voice. “It’s not Halloween, and they’re dressed really funny.”
“I think they’re pirates,” I’d respond with my trademark sarcasm.
“Oh,” she’d sigh with disgust and a roll of her eyes. “They’re your friends.” And she'd stalk away, leaving me alone for the rest of the day, which would be awesome.
9. Mac would come out of his office (read: The Accessories Closet, not an office at all), grumbling about how his signs haven’t come in yet. He would be completely unaware that there was a battle royale raging on the sales floor.
The scene he would miss: Pirates swinging from sales signs hanging from the ceiling; Matt trying to defend himself against two pirates with only his karate skills, which in this case isn’t helping considering the pirates have swords; Alaina engaged in swordplay, the girl using a ski pole as a cutlass. Polo shirts are thrown everywhere in the melee, and Johnny O is valiantly trying to protect his precious chinos.
Traditionally, management is nowhere to be found.
But Mac is oblivious to all this. Instead, he manages to walk right through the battle without getting a scratch on him. He turns just in time to avoid a shot from a pistol, which manages to hit the new directional sign in the lobby, and topples it with a loud crash.
He places a sale sign on a tier table, complaining that the merchandise is still there, three months after the sale price had been initiated. He walks back through the battle, but this time, as Alaina swings back to decapitate a particularly nasty pirate, she manages to catch Mac in the back of the head with her ski pole.
The crotchety old bastard would crumble to the ground, unconscious. Alaina wouldn’t believe her luck.
“All it took was a pirate attack to get him to shut up for five minutes,” Alaina would wonder, then turn back to the pirate.
8. A lone pirate would stalk through the sandwich floor, looking for wealthy men or women he could ransom later. When he enters Kelly's cubicle, he finds her in a liplock with Brad.
Another pirate would pass the awkward scene at just that moment. Making it more awkward, this second pirate would be dragging Alaina back to the ship, and when she glanced upon the scene, she'd shriek with glee, "I KNEW IT!"
7. Joanne would entertain the entire pirate crew by telling bawdy tales and referencing her tits. The pirates would declare her to be a right good wench, and they’d shower her with gold pieces and jewelry. She’d then ask them to reward her daughter, meaning me, and then I’d get gold pieces and jewelry too.
6. Marilyn would be able to cross “Guy Who Looks Like a Pirate” off her Bingo Card.
5. Ken would be captured by the pirates because he’s too pretty; they’d sell him as a slave to an Egyptian princess and would be put into her harem.
4. Jean would become insanely jealous of Ken’s capture, wondering why he wasn’t kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery too. After the battle, he’d go home to his wife and kids, and dream of a life that could have been, if only the pirates had seen him first.
3. The captain of the pirates would approach Johnny-O and with a loud roar, thrust the sword in John’s face as a symbol of a challenge. John would merely blink, uncross his arms from his chest and place his hands on his hips, and roar back, scarier and louder.
As if in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, the pirate would turn tail and run away, whimpering. John would merely re-cross his arms over his chest, and proceed to survey the pirate attack from the safety of the Pants zone, his domain.
2. Sarah would read in the New York Times a piece in the Human Interest Section about how the L.L. Bean Flagship Store was attacked by pirates over the weekend. With a sigh of despair, Sarah would whine, “Aw, that was my idea! The pirates owe me!”
She’d leave her post at AMDA and travel far and wide, searching for the pirates that stole her glory. After traveling for a few years, she’d come across the ship off the coast of Barbados, and armed only with a knife bought in Chinatown, her karate skills, and her sharp wit, she’d overtake the pirates and become the new captain, fulfilling her dream of being a pirate.
With a gleam in her eye, she’d grasp the wheel and whisper, “Now bring me that horizon.”
1. The pirate would walk in, and see me helping out in Footwear. He would determine that I am a pretty lass, and jumping over the display of Maine Hunting Shoes on the aisle, he’d grab me around the waist and brandish his sword.
“The lass is mine, unless ye be wanting to pay a hearty ransom.”
I’d look at Brad and Dick Brown with fear in my eyes, but Jeff (my manager) would arrive on the scene, assess the situation, and say, “eh, we can always get another Department Trainer. Besides, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
My screams of “He’s not a terrorist, he’s a pirate, you can negotiate with pirates” would go unheeded. He’d meet up with his crew outside, and with their booty of boots and compasses, they’d carry me off to the ship.
Once on board, I manage to convince them that using me for sex or killing me would be a bad idea, because I’m not scared, in fact, I want to be a pirate. The captain would mull it over …
Five years later…
Five years later, a calm morning at L.L. Bean would be ruined when a masked pirate storms through the Discovery Pond Lobby doors.
“Avast, ye landlubbers,” she’d yell. “Cower before me, the Dread Pirate Alaina! I come for one thing: revenge!”
And now, off to work. MAYBE THERE WILL BE PIRATES!!