Ridin' high on love's true bluish light
And now, Alaina brings you... The Third Annual Running Commentary to the Academy Awards!
7:59: Hm. Tori Ryden, the local affiliate news anchor, brought out her diamonds tonight too! Did she think Joan Rivers was going to ask her what she was wearing?
8:01: Hm… I’m not sure if I get this whole skit…
8:02: Oh wait, now I do. Symbols from this year’s nominated movies get to the Oscars. Not as funny as George Clooney and Jon Stewart in bed.
8:02: WAIT A MINUTE. I thought the ceremony was STARTING at 8 p.m.! What’s with this red carpet crap?
8:04: We’ve got red carpet crap until 8:30? That’s it; I’m watching The Simpsons.
8:05: … Right after I ridicule Nicole Kidman for her dress choice. What’s with the bow, Nic? Have you learned NOTHING from Charlize’s mistake last year?
8:30: Okay, this is more like it. Dang stupid red carpet crap.
8:30: YAY! PETER O’TOOLE!!!
8:31: I don’t like Clint Eastwood. He’s too squinty.
8:31: I don’t know who that guy was who said that “this time will be his eighth time failing,” but I liked him.
8:32: Only Peter O’Toole can make the word “zilch” sound sexy.
8:33: “I’m here for The Queen” - THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!
8:33: Eddie Murphy scares me.
8:34: Wait, why are they clapping? SOMETHING’S HAPPENING ON STAGE, ISN’T IT?? Why aren’t we seeing that!?
8:35: Peter O’Toole is not only THERE, but he has an aisle seat! This is a GOOD SIGN!
8:36: Wait, I thought Ellen was supposed to be hosting this thing … oh, there we go.
8:36: EXCELLENT! Ellen is wearing a red velvet tux. She is fabulous.
8:38: Damn, I love the camera operators. Ellen says “international,” shot of Riniko Kinuchi. HA! At Americans, they go to Leonardo DiCaprio. I don’t know why I laughed at that, but it was funny.
8:40: Hell yes to the boring speeches remark. No, seriously. If you’re boring, I’m going to flip the channel to the Friends marathon on TBS.
8:40: Oh, and when she mentions coming from the Bronx, there’s the obligatory pan to Jenny from the Block. Slow clap for the Cameramen.
8:41: Abigail Breslin is so cute!
8:41: Peter O’Toole is wearing a smoking jacket to the Oscars. Yet another reason why I love him.
8:42: Only Ellen can get away with comparing Al Gore to American Idol. That was awesome.
8:43: Oh, that’s who that Mexican woman is!
8:43: MICHAEL SCOTT IN DA HIZZY!
8:44: Ellen brought out a Gospel choir. Fantastic. Now as long as Snow White doesn’t make an appearance…
8:45: YES. Daniel Craig is here!? Tonight just got ……………… well, fuckin‘ hot. I almost need a moment.
8:45: Holy cow! Nicole Kidman is TOTALLY undressing Daniel Craig with her eyes! She’s practically drooling!
8:46: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY “AND THE OSCAR GOES TO,” NICOLE! But it’s okay; I’ll blame Daniel Craig and his smokin’ tux. Anybody would go stone-cold stupid around His Hotness. When does Casino Royale come out on DVD?
8:48: Aw, Maggie Gyllenhall got stuck with the Technical Awards ceremony this year. And what’s with her cheeks? … And, her line reading?
8:53: OH GOD WILL FERRELL AND A PIANO!!
8:53: JACK BLACK! THIS IS BRILLIANT!! WHY AM I NOT TAPING THIS?!
8:55: Mark Walhberg is pretty badass. And Helen Mirren is also hot.
8:55: JOHN C. REILLY!!!!!!!
8:57: Best. Musical Interlude. EVER.
8:57: Oh my God, Click got a nomination? Wait - but Pirates of the Caribbean didn’t?! What about Davy Jones?! This is makeup, people!
8:58: Awww… someone has Mexican flags in the back!
9:00: Jaden! Wait for Abigail! She can’t walk in heels!
9:01: NO TIME FOR NUTS! Give it to the Scrat!
9:01: Aw, Jaden’s cute when he’s reading the teleprompter wrong! And they really put those Danish Poet people in the back, didn’t they?
9:02: Why is she apologizing to Tom Hanks? Was there a joke that I missed about that?
9:04: Okay, West Bank Story looks hilarious! When is that going to get released?
9:05: Holy crap, Jack Nicholson is not only there, not only not in the front row, but he shaved his head? I’ve gotta ask: did he do it out of solidarity with Britney?
9:13: Beyonce’s not wearing gold! It’s a miracle!
9:14: Sound editing is like sex … THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Wait, that didn’t work…
9:17: Hey sound editing dude, what did Ellen say about boring speeches?
9:21: Damn. Rachel Weisz looks fabulous. I want that dress.
9:21: Aw, Eddie Murphy’s trying not to cry!
9:21: WOW. I don’t think Mark Walhberg really wanted his arrest record broadcasted on the Oscars.
9:23: All right! A true surprise in Alan Arkin! And Little Miss Sunshine takes a step towards winning the big one.
9:24: I think I share a birthday with him… one of the Arkins… I think it’s Alan! And let this be a lesson to you, Eddie Murphy - don’t follow a Dreamgirls with Norbit. It’s like following Tootsie with Ishtar.
9:27: “A distinguished guest”? I’m intrigued!
9:30: Huh… why haven’t I watched The Departed again?
9:31: The opening to this song sounded very familiar… it sounds like "Leon" by Elton John! Randy Newman ripped Elton John off!
9:35: Melissa Etheridge, as much as I love you, you can not pull a Mary J. Blige performance out of a global warming song.
9:36: Okay, Vice President Al Gore can be a distinguished guest.
9:36: What the hell is Jerry Seinfeld doing there? And why are they showing him during the global warming skit?
9:37: Shut up, Leo. And who’s the chick in white that they just showed? It looked like Kate Hudson, and you’d have thought that she’d have learned her lesson against fluffy, feathery stuff when she was nominated for Almost Famous.
9:39: Ice cream break!
9:43: Does Cameron Diaz’s dress have tent poles holding the hem up?
9:45: George Miller has no fashion sense whatsoever. I can appreciate trying to dress like a penguin when you make a penguin movie, but honestly, he looks atrocious. When you buy a tuxedo, it should make you look like Daniel Craig, even if you aren’t Daniel Craig.
9:45: HAHAHAHA! Ben Affleck is now getting touted as a screenwriter?! He hasn’t been a screenwriter for a decade!
9:46: ACK! Sunset Boulevard! Hold me, Daniel Craig!
9:47: Enough with the Sunset Boulevard scenes! Norma Desmond freaks me out!
9:47: “It’s as if my quill is broken” - THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!
9:48: OH COME ON! You have to show that the writer gets shot and ends up in the pool? What did I say about Sunset Boulevard? Cut it out!
9:49: Shut up, Jack.
9:50: TOM HANKS. Don’t compare writing to alcoholism, even if it is an important step in being a writer.
9:50: Give it a Borat! Borat was awesome!
9:52: Eh. That’s a good sign for Scorsese, at least. And this is interesting: Microsoft Dictionary recognizes “Scorsese”.
9:54: I’m going to echo the Valium guy: GO PETER O’TOOLE!!
9:55: But I have to extend a special thank you to Tom Hanks for FINALLY cutting his hair. It’s about freaking time, Tom.
9:57: I love Wes Anderson, and that American Express commercial was pure gold. Also, this iPhone commercial? Kind of eh, but it gets bonus points for including clips from both Anchorman and Zoolander.
10:00: Okay, I’m intrigued: was the Ellen Oscar Bjorn preplanned, or did she come up with that during the 9:OO clock hour? Because if it was the latter, Ellen must travel with a props genius.
10:01: You know, I like this idea of putting the costumes on models instead of showing the renderings.
10:02: Oh God, Patricia Field was the costume designer for The Devil Wears Prada? She’s practically the Queen of Fug.
10:03: Huh. I didn’t realize Diane Keaton was a costume designer.
10:05: Ha! I thought that was the James Bond theme song for a second, and I was really confused why Tom Cruise was coming out (of the closet). But then I remembered it was the Mission: Impossible theme, and it made sense then.
10:08: Was that my TV boyfriend George in a clip from something? I didn’t know he was in movies.
10:08: Oh my GOD! Tom Cruise, stop making out with Sherry Lansing!
10:09: No, wait, maybe it’s Sherry Struthers in the white floppy thing…
10:11: ELLEN’S GIVING STEVEN SPIELBERG DIRECTING ADVICE! I love this woman!
10:12: Ack, God, Gwyneth… that’s a horrible dress. We can, again, see your boobies, and they, again, look flat and lifeless. And pull your hair out of your face!
10:13: You know, I’ve seen both The Prestige and The Illusionist, and I still like The Prestige better. Sorry, Mom, that you couldn’t follow the jumpy timeline, but I found it awesome.
10:14: Waitasec - the field of light bulbs from The Prestige was filmed on top of Mount Washington? New Hampshire’s Mount Washington? Really? Now I’m really intrigued!
10:17: Aww! The caring elephant Mastercard commercial made me tear a bit; I’m not ashamed to admit it. (It also made me sneeze - no joke.)
10:20: Slow clap to Robert Downey Jr. for making fun of his drug addiction, and kudos. And I’m laughing at Naomi Watts for her noticeable discomfort.
10:22: Woo hoo! Pirates of the Caribbean! I do enjoy the music in these movies, but I’m too cheap to buy the soundtracks.
10:22: What, no pan to J. Lo when someone mentioned the Bronx? And HAHAHAHAA at how that guy ran out of adjectives to describe Gore Verbinski!
10:24: Oh, I see what you did there… get two nominated actors from other countries to introduce foreign films. Claaasssy, Academy. And I emphasize the “assy” part of that word.
10:29: Holy crap, Cate Blanchett looks amazing.
10:30: Wow. Pan’s Labyrinth didn’t win? That’s surprising! And yet more good news for Peter O’Toole. Hey, for every surprise tonight, I say that’s a step in the right direction for letting Peter O’Toole win the bugger outright.
10:33: Okay, that was AWESOME. The mime dancers was the best part of Snakes on a Plane, no joke.
10:33: Awright, George Clooney! The hot factor keeps getting hotter!
10:34: If it goes to Jennifer Hudson, I think Simon Cowell owes me five dollars.
10:35: OH MY GOD!! SIMON COWELL OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS!!
10:42: Swing and a miss with that dress, Eva Green; swing and a miss.
10:44: Okay, so Jerry Seinfeld did have a purpose for being here.
10:46: Hm. Maybe Jerry can host the Oscars one day…
10:46: Seinfeld wins! That is TOTALLY the deal, movie theatres! And don’t you forget it!
10:47: Hm… I wonder if Al Gore will win something tonight… Wow, that was a shocker. Congratulations, Mr. Gore, for winning something without having to get the Supreme Court in on it.
10:49: LARRY DAVID! So it IS true that Seinfeld can’t go anywhere in public without Larry David!
10:55: Well, I’ll never be able to watch The Untouchables, apparently; damned reference to Battleship Potemkin!
10:56: Wait, does Celine love Marconi? Why is this being premiered here and now? What’s the reference? Is it just because it’s been ten years since she’s performed “My Heart Will Go On” and she was missing the Academy Stage?
11:01: Clint speaks Italian? Interesting. And convenient, considering he’s the one presenting Marconi with the award.
11:07: God, Hugh Jackman’s pretty.
11:08: Where do they come up with these stupid tidbits about the winner’s hopes and dreams? Because they’re trite and stupid, and we don’t need them whatsoever. But if I haven’t already, I’d like to give props to the Academy producers for not putting music under the entire speech this year like they did last year. Thank you, you are much less annoying this year.
11:10: I’m timing you, Sid Gannis. --- Well played, Sid Gannis; well played.
11:14: YES!! LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!! This is looking good… Come on, Peter O’Toole!!
11:17: Oh my God, this telecast isn’t going to be over until 1 a.m., is it?
11:18: I was really digging that commercial with all the homages to famous movies, but it died when I found out it was for JCPenney.
11:20: Okay, J. Lo picked an excellent dress. It does, however, make her look a bit preggers. But it’s just the empire waist, National Enquirer.
11:23: Now Beyonce, on the other hand, has stuck with what the Fug Girls called a “big ol’ weave,” but this particular dress makes her bottom half look horrible.
11:24: Beyonce, baby, you weren’t nominated, there’s no point trying to emote now. Jay-Z isn’t producing the Oscars this year. Just sing, and stop clutching your boob as a metaphor for your heart.
11:26: Hey, is Eddie Murphy even still at the ceremony? Or did he leave as soon as he lost? Because if it was me, I'd have pulled the Victor Garber Losing Ceremony from the 2004 Emmys.
11:28: John Travolta’s still alive?
11:29: Holy shit, seriously? Melissa Etheridge beat out Dreamgirls? HEY! You had two of those children with your former wife, Melissa. Okay, and when - yes, WHEN - Peter O’Toole wins, he needs to thank Al Gore.
11:35: My God, it’s 11:30 and we haven’t gotten to the Death Reel yet?! I’m pretty sure Jon’s version of the Oscars was over by now. *glares at Will Smith who won’t shut up*
11:37: Damn, I know this music… what is that movie from?
11:37: MASI OKA!! YATTA!!! And the only reason that clip was shown was because of Heroes.
11:40: I’m telling you, that music is going to bug me for the rest of the night.
11:41: Holy cow, they didn’t play “My Heart Will Go On” when Kate Winslet came onstage. And Celine Dion was just there! Amazing restraint, Academy producers!
11:42: Was that Mitch Pileggi in United 93? SKINNER! And wow, Martin Sheen has a horrible Boston accent. It’s not “impawshible,” Martin, it’s more like “impahsable”.
11:43: Aw, Marty’s crying!
11:45: Why are these stars coming out without white envelopes?? If they’re crossing the stage, they should be PRESENTING AN AWARD. … Oh, it’s the death reel. Never mind.
11:46: It is a leg, indeed, Darren McGavin. It’s a fine leg. *sniff*
11:49: Awww, Peter Boyle!
11:51: Ambrielle by JCPenney? Wasn’t that the name of the mermaid that Fry fell in love with on Futurama?
11:52: Okay, Helen Mirren, it’s your moment. I hope your shoes fit adequately for the walk up the stairs. And HOLY CRAP, were you out back drinking with George Clooney and Jack Nicholson backstage? Because you, Philip Seymour Hoffman, look like SHIT ON A STICK.
11:57: How many more frickin’ awards have to be given out?
12:01: OKAY HERE WE GO COME ON PETER O’TOOLE
12:05: … Damn.
12:06: Okay, Pete, you’ve gotta have one more in ya. Don’t let the Honorary be it.
12:07: I wouldn’t call them “amigos,” per se. More like … what’s Jewish for amigos?
12:08: WELL IT’S ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME!
12:09: Oh, this speech is going to be good. *rubs hands in glee*
12:13: Wow, Diane Keaton’s wearing a dress.
12:14: Well, it was between The Deparated and Little Miss Sunshine from the get-go, but this just emphasizes Will Ferrell’s earlier song about how the Academy doesn’t like comedies anymore.
My goal now is to write a comedic movie that will win Best Picture. Because it needs to happen.
12:16: HEY! Don’t use the Best Picture acceptance speech as a soapbox to propose to Leo DiCaprio, okay?
And if you think I'm going to go to bed without watching How to Steal a Million, then you don't know me at all.
*Lights a candle for Peter O'Toole*
Never let it be said that Alaina doesn't have causes.
7:59: Hm. Tori Ryden, the local affiliate news anchor, brought out her diamonds tonight too! Did she think Joan Rivers was going to ask her what she was wearing?
8:01: Hm… I’m not sure if I get this whole skit…
8:02: Oh wait, now I do. Symbols from this year’s nominated movies get to the Oscars. Not as funny as George Clooney and Jon Stewart in bed.
8:02: WAIT A MINUTE. I thought the ceremony was STARTING at 8 p.m.! What’s with this red carpet crap?
8:04: We’ve got red carpet crap until 8:30? That’s it; I’m watching The Simpsons.
8:05: … Right after I ridicule Nicole Kidman for her dress choice. What’s with the bow, Nic? Have you learned NOTHING from Charlize’s mistake last year?
8:30: Okay, this is more like it. Dang stupid red carpet crap.
8:30: YAY! PETER O’TOOLE!!!
8:31: I don’t like Clint Eastwood. He’s too squinty.
8:31: I don’t know who that guy was who said that “this time will be his eighth time failing,” but I liked him.
8:32: Only Peter O’Toole can make the word “zilch” sound sexy.
8:33: “I’m here for The Queen” - THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!
8:33: Eddie Murphy scares me.
8:34: Wait, why are they clapping? SOMETHING’S HAPPENING ON STAGE, ISN’T IT?? Why aren’t we seeing that!?
8:35: Peter O’Toole is not only THERE, but he has an aisle seat! This is a GOOD SIGN!
8:36: Wait, I thought Ellen was supposed to be hosting this thing … oh, there we go.
8:36: EXCELLENT! Ellen is wearing a red velvet tux. She is fabulous.
8:38: Damn, I love the camera operators. Ellen says “international,” shot of Riniko Kinuchi. HA! At Americans, they go to Leonardo DiCaprio. I don’t know why I laughed at that, but it was funny.
8:40: Hell yes to the boring speeches remark. No, seriously. If you’re boring, I’m going to flip the channel to the Friends marathon on TBS.
8:40: Oh, and when she mentions coming from the Bronx, there’s the obligatory pan to Jenny from the Block. Slow clap for the Cameramen.
8:41: Abigail Breslin is so cute!
8:41: Peter O’Toole is wearing a smoking jacket to the Oscars. Yet another reason why I love him.
8:42: Only Ellen can get away with comparing Al Gore to American Idol. That was awesome.
8:43: Oh, that’s who that Mexican woman is!
8:43: MICHAEL SCOTT IN DA HIZZY!
8:44: Ellen brought out a Gospel choir. Fantastic. Now as long as Snow White doesn’t make an appearance…
8:45: YES. Daniel Craig is here!? Tonight just got ……………… well, fuckin‘ hot. I almost need a moment.
8:45: Holy cow! Nicole Kidman is TOTALLY undressing Daniel Craig with her eyes! She’s practically drooling!
8:46: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY “AND THE OSCAR GOES TO,” NICOLE! But it’s okay; I’ll blame Daniel Craig and his smokin’ tux. Anybody would go stone-cold stupid around His Hotness. When does Casino Royale come out on DVD?
8:48: Aw, Maggie Gyllenhall got stuck with the Technical Awards ceremony this year. And what’s with her cheeks? … And, her line reading?
8:53: OH GOD WILL FERRELL AND A PIANO!!
8:53: JACK BLACK! THIS IS BRILLIANT!! WHY AM I NOT TAPING THIS?!
8:55: Mark Walhberg is pretty badass. And Helen Mirren is also hot.
8:55: JOHN C. REILLY!!!!!!!
8:57: Best. Musical Interlude. EVER.
8:57: Oh my God, Click got a nomination? Wait - but Pirates of the Caribbean didn’t?! What about Davy Jones?! This is makeup, people!
8:58: Awww… someone has Mexican flags in the back!
9:00: Jaden! Wait for Abigail! She can’t walk in heels!
9:01: NO TIME FOR NUTS! Give it to the Scrat!
9:01: Aw, Jaden’s cute when he’s reading the teleprompter wrong! And they really put those Danish Poet people in the back, didn’t they?
9:02: Why is she apologizing to Tom Hanks? Was there a joke that I missed about that?
9:04: Okay, West Bank Story looks hilarious! When is that going to get released?
9:05: Holy crap, Jack Nicholson is not only there, not only not in the front row, but he shaved his head? I’ve gotta ask: did he do it out of solidarity with Britney?
9:13: Beyonce’s not wearing gold! It’s a miracle!
9:14: Sound editing is like sex … THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Wait, that didn’t work…
9:17: Hey sound editing dude, what did Ellen say about boring speeches?
9:21: Damn. Rachel Weisz looks fabulous. I want that dress.
9:21: Aw, Eddie Murphy’s trying not to cry!
9:21: WOW. I don’t think Mark Walhberg really wanted his arrest record broadcasted on the Oscars.
9:23: All right! A true surprise in Alan Arkin! And Little Miss Sunshine takes a step towards winning the big one.
9:24: I think I share a birthday with him… one of the Arkins… I think it’s Alan! And let this be a lesson to you, Eddie Murphy - don’t follow a Dreamgirls with Norbit. It’s like following Tootsie with Ishtar.
9:27: “A distinguished guest”? I’m intrigued!
9:30: Huh… why haven’t I watched The Departed again?
9:31: The opening to this song sounded very familiar… it sounds like "Leon" by Elton John! Randy Newman ripped Elton John off!
9:35: Melissa Etheridge, as much as I love you, you can not pull a Mary J. Blige performance out of a global warming song.
9:36: Okay, Vice President Al Gore can be a distinguished guest.
9:36: What the hell is Jerry Seinfeld doing there? And why are they showing him during the global warming skit?
9:37: Shut up, Leo. And who’s the chick in white that they just showed? It looked like Kate Hudson, and you’d have thought that she’d have learned her lesson against fluffy, feathery stuff when she was nominated for Almost Famous.
9:39: Ice cream break!
9:43: Does Cameron Diaz’s dress have tent poles holding the hem up?
9:45: George Miller has no fashion sense whatsoever. I can appreciate trying to dress like a penguin when you make a penguin movie, but honestly, he looks atrocious. When you buy a tuxedo, it should make you look like Daniel Craig, even if you aren’t Daniel Craig.
9:45: HAHAHAHA! Ben Affleck is now getting touted as a screenwriter?! He hasn’t been a screenwriter for a decade!
9:46: ACK! Sunset Boulevard! Hold me, Daniel Craig!
9:47: Enough with the Sunset Boulevard scenes! Norma Desmond freaks me out!
9:47: “It’s as if my quill is broken” - THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!
9:48: OH COME ON! You have to show that the writer gets shot and ends up in the pool? What did I say about Sunset Boulevard? Cut it out!
9:49: Shut up, Jack.
9:50: TOM HANKS. Don’t compare writing to alcoholism, even if it is an important step in being a writer.
9:50: Give it a Borat! Borat was awesome!
9:52: Eh. That’s a good sign for Scorsese, at least. And this is interesting: Microsoft Dictionary recognizes “Scorsese”.
9:54: I’m going to echo the Valium guy: GO PETER O’TOOLE!!
9:55: But I have to extend a special thank you to Tom Hanks for FINALLY cutting his hair. It’s about freaking time, Tom.
9:57: I love Wes Anderson, and that American Express commercial was pure gold. Also, this iPhone commercial? Kind of eh, but it gets bonus points for including clips from both Anchorman and Zoolander.
10:00: Okay, I’m intrigued: was the Ellen Oscar Bjorn preplanned, or did she come up with that during the 9:OO clock hour? Because if it was the latter, Ellen must travel with a props genius.
10:01: You know, I like this idea of putting the costumes on models instead of showing the renderings.
10:02: Oh God, Patricia Field was the costume designer for The Devil Wears Prada? She’s practically the Queen of Fug.
10:03: Huh. I didn’t realize Diane Keaton was a costume designer.
10:05: Ha! I thought that was the James Bond theme song for a second, and I was really confused why Tom Cruise was coming out (of the closet). But then I remembered it was the Mission: Impossible theme, and it made sense then.
10:08: Was that my TV boyfriend George in a clip from something? I didn’t know he was in movies.
10:08: Oh my GOD! Tom Cruise, stop making out with Sherry Lansing!
10:09: No, wait, maybe it’s Sherry Struthers in the white floppy thing…
10:11: ELLEN’S GIVING STEVEN SPIELBERG DIRECTING ADVICE! I love this woman!
10:12: Ack, God, Gwyneth… that’s a horrible dress. We can, again, see your boobies, and they, again, look flat and lifeless. And pull your hair out of your face!
10:13: You know, I’ve seen both The Prestige and The Illusionist, and I still like The Prestige better. Sorry, Mom, that you couldn’t follow the jumpy timeline, but I found it awesome.
10:14: Waitasec - the field of light bulbs from The Prestige was filmed on top of Mount Washington? New Hampshire’s Mount Washington? Really? Now I’m really intrigued!
10:17: Aww! The caring elephant Mastercard commercial made me tear a bit; I’m not ashamed to admit it. (It also made me sneeze - no joke.)
10:20: Slow clap to Robert Downey Jr. for making fun of his drug addiction, and kudos. And I’m laughing at Naomi Watts for her noticeable discomfort.
10:22: Woo hoo! Pirates of the Caribbean! I do enjoy the music in these movies, but I’m too cheap to buy the soundtracks.
10:22: What, no pan to J. Lo when someone mentioned the Bronx? And HAHAHAHAA at how that guy ran out of adjectives to describe Gore Verbinski!
10:24: Oh, I see what you did there… get two nominated actors from other countries to introduce foreign films. Claaasssy, Academy. And I emphasize the “assy” part of that word.
10:29: Holy crap, Cate Blanchett looks amazing.
10:30: Wow. Pan’s Labyrinth didn’t win? That’s surprising! And yet more good news for Peter O’Toole. Hey, for every surprise tonight, I say that’s a step in the right direction for letting Peter O’Toole win the bugger outright.
10:33: Okay, that was AWESOME. The mime dancers was the best part of Snakes on a Plane, no joke.
10:33: Awright, George Clooney! The hot factor keeps getting hotter!
10:34: If it goes to Jennifer Hudson, I think Simon Cowell owes me five dollars.
10:35: OH MY GOD!! SIMON COWELL OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS!!
10:42: Swing and a miss with that dress, Eva Green; swing and a miss.
10:44: Okay, so Jerry Seinfeld did have a purpose for being here.
10:46: Hm. Maybe Jerry can host the Oscars one day…
10:46: Seinfeld wins! That is TOTALLY the deal, movie theatres! And don’t you forget it!
10:47: Hm… I wonder if Al Gore will win something tonight… Wow, that was a shocker. Congratulations, Mr. Gore, for winning something without having to get the Supreme Court in on it.
10:49: LARRY DAVID! So it IS true that Seinfeld can’t go anywhere in public without Larry David!
10:55: Well, I’ll never be able to watch The Untouchables, apparently; damned reference to Battleship Potemkin!
10:56: Wait, does Celine love Marconi? Why is this being premiered here and now? What’s the reference? Is it just because it’s been ten years since she’s performed “My Heart Will Go On” and she was missing the Academy Stage?
11:01: Clint speaks Italian? Interesting. And convenient, considering he’s the one presenting Marconi with the award.
11:07: God, Hugh Jackman’s pretty.
11:08: Where do they come up with these stupid tidbits about the winner’s hopes and dreams? Because they’re trite and stupid, and we don’t need them whatsoever. But if I haven’t already, I’d like to give props to the Academy producers for not putting music under the entire speech this year like they did last year. Thank you, you are much less annoying this year.
11:10: I’m timing you, Sid Gannis. --- Well played, Sid Gannis; well played.
11:14: YES!! LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!! This is looking good… Come on, Peter O’Toole!!
11:17: Oh my God, this telecast isn’t going to be over until 1 a.m., is it?
11:18: I was really digging that commercial with all the homages to famous movies, but it died when I found out it was for JCPenney.
11:20: Okay, J. Lo picked an excellent dress. It does, however, make her look a bit preggers. But it’s just the empire waist, National Enquirer.
11:23: Now Beyonce, on the other hand, has stuck with what the Fug Girls called a “big ol’ weave,” but this particular dress makes her bottom half look horrible.
11:24: Beyonce, baby, you weren’t nominated, there’s no point trying to emote now. Jay-Z isn’t producing the Oscars this year. Just sing, and stop clutching your boob as a metaphor for your heart.
11:26: Hey, is Eddie Murphy even still at the ceremony? Or did he leave as soon as he lost? Because if it was me, I'd have pulled the Victor Garber Losing Ceremony from the 2004 Emmys.
11:28: John Travolta’s still alive?
11:29: Holy shit, seriously? Melissa Etheridge beat out Dreamgirls? HEY! You had two of those children with your former wife, Melissa. Okay, and when - yes, WHEN - Peter O’Toole wins, he needs to thank Al Gore.
11:35: My God, it’s 11:30 and we haven’t gotten to the Death Reel yet?! I’m pretty sure Jon’s version of the Oscars was over by now. *glares at Will Smith who won’t shut up*
11:37: Damn, I know this music… what is that movie from?
11:37: MASI OKA!! YATTA!!! And the only reason that clip was shown was because of Heroes.
11:40: I’m telling you, that music is going to bug me for the rest of the night.
11:41: Holy cow, they didn’t play “My Heart Will Go On” when Kate Winslet came onstage. And Celine Dion was just there! Amazing restraint, Academy producers!
11:42: Was that Mitch Pileggi in United 93? SKINNER! And wow, Martin Sheen has a horrible Boston accent. It’s not “impawshible,” Martin, it’s more like “impahsable”.
11:43: Aw, Marty’s crying!
11:45: Why are these stars coming out without white envelopes?? If they’re crossing the stage, they should be PRESENTING AN AWARD. … Oh, it’s the death reel. Never mind.
11:46: It is a leg, indeed, Darren McGavin. It’s a fine leg. *sniff*
11:49: Awww, Peter Boyle!
11:51: Ambrielle by JCPenney? Wasn’t that the name of the mermaid that Fry fell in love with on Futurama?
11:52: Okay, Helen Mirren, it’s your moment. I hope your shoes fit adequately for the walk up the stairs. And HOLY CRAP, were you out back drinking with George Clooney and Jack Nicholson backstage? Because you, Philip Seymour Hoffman, look like SHIT ON A STICK.
11:57: How many more frickin’ awards have to be given out?
12:01: OKAY HERE WE GO COME ON PETER O’TOOLE
12:05: … Damn.
12:06: Okay, Pete, you’ve gotta have one more in ya. Don’t let the Honorary be it.
12:07: I wouldn’t call them “amigos,” per se. More like … what’s Jewish for amigos?
12:08: WELL IT’S ABOUT FRICKIN’ TIME!
12:09: Oh, this speech is going to be good. *rubs hands in glee*
12:13: Wow, Diane Keaton’s wearing a dress.
12:14: Well, it was between The Deparated and Little Miss Sunshine from the get-go, but this just emphasizes Will Ferrell’s earlier song about how the Academy doesn’t like comedies anymore.
My goal now is to write a comedic movie that will win Best Picture. Because it needs to happen.
12:16: HEY! Don’t use the Best Picture acceptance speech as a soapbox to propose to Leo DiCaprio, okay?
And if you think I'm going to go to bed without watching How to Steal a Million, then you don't know me at all.
*Lights a candle for Peter O'Toole*
Never let it be said that Alaina doesn't have causes.