Screw this. I'll watch Archer.
I have seen a total of, I think, six of these movies? Maybe? For the first time in a long time, I don't have a lot riding on the outcomes of these categories, so maybe I'll be able to sit back, watch the show, not freak out too much and just enjoy it?
No, you're totally right - I'm going to bitch exactly as much as I usually do.
So here we go: Alaina's Eighth Annual Running Commentary to the 84th Academy Awards.
8:30: Morgan Freeman's narrating the Oscars? Of course he is! This is the best Oscars already! (Please make fun of yourself narrating every movie in the history of everything, please, Mr. Freeman? Come on, you can do it. Also, can someone turn down the music underneath Mr. Freeman? It's really annoying!)
8:31: Oh god, Billy Crystal's doing his shtick about inserting himself into movies. I hate this already.
8:33: So wrong. I never want to see George Clooney kissing Billy Crystal ever again.
8:34: Okay, turning the Moneyball idiots into the disgusting older writers of the Oscars was both funny, and unfunnily true. You know that's what the writer's room looks like. They wouldn't hire young writers to actually write younger-skewing jokes if their ratings depended on it. Which it does, but they're too stupid to know.
----- I'm sorry. Apparently, this year's Oscar Running Commentary is brought to you by Vitriol, with a side of Angst. Use sparingly.
8:35: Justin Beiber? See, that's what I'm talking about! "What's funny nowadays that Billy Crystal can talk about?" "How about that Beiber kid?" "Do you think he'll do it?" DEAR GOD HELP
8:37: Billy Crystal looks more like a woman every damn day.
8:38: What the hell is Tom Cruise doing here? I paid $7 to see Mission Impossible in the theatre, but I can't tell you how much I'd pay to have the memory of the film erased.
8:40: Please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing
8:41: No, Billy - I will be calling you Warm Horse. That movie will never not be called Warm Horse.
8:42: OH GOD HE'S SINGING … CHRIST
8:43: I'm sorry - I really wish that either Eddie Murphy or the Muppets were hosting this. Because at least the Muppets singing would be understandable, and you know that Eddie Murphy would be cringeworthy for an entirely different reason than this.
----- And there's Marty Scorsese explaining to his daughter or granddaughter or whatever what exactly Billy meant about shooting Ben Kingsley in the head.
8:45: Dear Oscar Producers: FIX YOUR SOUND MIXING. The music is completely overshadowing the actual talking piece.
8:46: Tom Hanks has a beard! And he's showing a seat filler? Oh my god, I love Tom Hanks so much right now!
8:47: BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY I think this might be the only category that Tree of Life wins. Let's see if I'm right.
----- Nope! To Hugo. Too bad, Crack Dinosaur Movie. Maybe never. No awards is just the right amount of awards for Tree of Life.
8:48: The reason why that dude didn't expect to have his award first up is because he totally just smoked up five minutes ago and the high hasn't worn off yet.
8:49: BEST ART DIRECTION. Oh come on, this should totally go to Harry Potter! That's not going to win anything!
----- Dammit Hugo!
8:50: SERIOUSLY TURN DOWN THE MUSIC AND TURN UP THE SPEAKING MICROPHONES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
8:53: Really, Billy? You're going to keep on with the bankruptcy jokes?
----- MONTAGE. That means it's time to refill the alcohol in my cup.
----- REALLY? YOU SHOW TWILIGHT in between LEGENDS OF THE FALL and THE PRINCESS BRIDE? That is not how you attract younger viewers, Academy!
8:55: AND AVATAR? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
8:56: I just realized. I should rewind and play "Movies I've Never Seen" with this montage. Be right back.
- Forrest Gump
- Legends of the Fall
- Amelie
- Ghost
- Jaws
- Apollo 13
- Planes, Trains and Automobiles
- Shawshank Redemption
- There's Something About Mary
- Apocalypse Now
- The Godfather
- A Few Good Men
- French Connection
- The Exorcist
- Beverly Hills Cop
- Star Wars
- The Natural
- Midnight Cowboy
- Rocky
But look at that! I can identify them in short blips without having seen them! SO THERE.
8:58: Fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! (I'm still pissed that didn't get nominated for an Oscar. So pissed.)
9:00: Dear Rachel Zoe: You did fantastic with Cameron Diaz this year.
----- BEST COSTUME DESIGN. Hoop skirt rule, which hopefully means that this should go to Jane Eyre.
----- Seriously? The Madonna film got nominated for something?
9:01: Yay for The Artist!
9:02: BEST MAKEUP I'm going to guess this goes to Hugo, even though it wasn't nominated, but I hope it goes to Harry Potter, because again, Harry needs to go home with something.
9:04: Oh, J. Lo and Cam - thank you for reminding me why I sometimes like the two of you. And okay, Iron Lady for winning!
9:05: Oh look, Antonio Banderes and Melanie Griffith are still married! I was wondering that.
9:07: Helen Mirren should host the Oscars. Let's get on that. Please? She'd be fricking fantastic!
9:08: "Will Moneyball be the first baseball picture to win Best Picture?" NO.
9:09: WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. ARE --- ARE YOU - DID THE ACADEMY FINALLY LISTEN TO ME?! All these years I've been bitching and moaning about how they always drag out the foreign stars to present Best Foreign Film. Every damn time. Last year, it was British people. The year before that, yeah, it was Quentin Tarantino, but Pedro Almodovar was there too. And this year, it's Sandy Bullock, America's Sweetheart? VICTORY IS MINE, PEOPLE!!
----- And now she's going to speak Mandarin. I love her so much.
9:14: Or German. Dear Lord, I love her. And I love that she's presenting Best Foreign Film. I can't get over this. I love this. (Oh, and it's going to be A Separation.)
9:16: Christopher Plummer's wife is bored.
9:17: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Oh GOD OH GOD OH GOD PLEASE GIVE IT TO MELISSA MCCARTHY
9:20: Okay, I'm okay with Octavia Spencer. And besides, when has the Academy ever rewarded anyone for stealing nine puppies? Someday, Academy. Someday I will write a comedy that will be recognized by the Academy and it will have both sex and poop jokes, and it will be marvelous.
9:22: What's with the violin in the balcony?
9:23: Lemme guess - Tina Fey's going to present the writing awards? Again? Really, Oscars? Really?
9:25: Oh man, it's the Christopher Guest crew. Where's Michael McKean?
9:27: Well, there's two minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Thanks, guys.
----- Tina Fey, what are you wearing? And Bradley Cooper, what the FUCK is that on your upper lip!?
9:28: BEST EDITING Oh man, please give it to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Because that was a fantastic movie. (But it'll probably go to Hugo. Bastard.)
9:29: YEAH GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO! I was not expecting that either! [Best acceptance speech EVAR.]
9:30: BEST SOUND EDITING Come on, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! Two for two?
----- Dammit, Hugo! (They had to show a clip of the movie because the winners were sitting so far in the back.)
9:32: BEST SOUND MIXING Come on, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo?
----- Dammit, Hugo! I was going to say, you have to show us how the scene with the train ends!
----- My Roommate: "The little shit derails the train!?"
9:34: Oh god… Fat Guy's crying, and all I'm hearing in my head is "Fat guy in a little coat…."
9:36: MUPPETS!!!!
9:37: Wait … they wasted the Muppets on introducing …. Cirque du Soleil? Are you … are you serious?
9:39: This STUPID SHOW would be so much better if they didn't show us STUPID SHIT like THIS. I mean, yes, it's beautiful and artistic and I would never degrade the Cirque du Soleil because it takes a lot of hard work, but I AM BORED.
9:42: BILLY. YOU DO NOT INSULT CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER. He will cut you so hard you won't feel it until you realize your knees have just been excised.
9:43: YEAH ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I don't know what he's doing, but it's going to be awesome.
----- Can we have Iron Man and Pepper Potts host the Oscars next year? Please? They work so well together!
9:45: BEST DOCUMENTARY. I don't care.
9:46: Somebody swore! And now they're playing music to get them off the stage! AND THEN THEY JUST CUT THE MIC? SERIOUSLY?
----- Oh thank God, Chris Rock is funny! (and starting to look a little like Morgan Freeman.)
9:47: BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. And Chris Rock is presenting. I love this.
----- And there's Diddy, wondering how to get into the animation business. Because he could use another million dollars.
9:49: Oh shit, Gore Verbinski is an Oscar Winner? Please don't bring up The Mexican.
9:54: BEST VISUAL EFFECTS Oh my god, Emma Stone is adorable right now.
----- Oh my God, Jonah's cutting her off! And Jason Segel's there!!
----- THE AVATAR THING WAS AWESOME, EMMA STONE! I'm still laughing at that!
9:56 oh please oh please give it to Harry Potter… that poor boy wizard deserves something!
9:57: Are you serious?! DAMMIT HUGO!
----- You know what I just realized? Every time I yell "Dammit Hugo," I want to apologize for Katherine Heigl for not also blaming her for everything as well, but in addition, I hear it in the voice of Sawyer, cursing at Hurley for something. I HAVE WATCHED TOO MUCH LOST.
9:59: Hey, Colin Firth is there! Oh, right… BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. This should go to Christopher Plummer.
10:02: YAY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER!! Now someone should write something for Peter O'Toole so he can win one too! (I'll write it! He can be the dirty old man who learns to love!)
10:04: God, I love Christopher Plummer. He's just a fantastic person.
10:06: Damn, I'm back on live TV. And I really need to get caught up on Revenge.
10:08: Oh god. They're doing the Billy Crystal Can Read Minds Thing again.
----- Oh my god this is so FUCKING ANNOYING WHY DIDN'T I PAUSE MORE AND JUST WATCH THE COMMERCIALS SO I COULD FAST FORWARD THROUGH THIS NOW
10:09: IS THAT BAXTER FROM ANCHORMAN!? Did Katow-Jo help him get to Los Angeles?!
----- President's speech. Bor-ring. Naptime.
10:12: BEST SCORE. Lemme guess -- Hugo? No wait, it has to be The Artist because a of all, it's a fucking silent film, and b of all, because Trent Reznor was denied for Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.
10:14: Holy shit, he never had formal composing training? Shut up! That's fantastic! Go The Artist dude!
10:16: YES THEY GAVE WILL FERRELL AND ZACH GALFIANAKIS CYMBALS WHY DID NO ONE THINK THAT WOULDN'T GO BADLY
------ BEST ORIGINAL SONG
10:18: Hold on, I need to pause.
*ahem*
THEY WASTED FOUR MINUTES OF MY LIFE WITH BILLY CRYSTAL FUCKING MIND-READING AND WOULDN'T LET JASON SEGEL FUCKING SING HIS OWN FUCKING SONG? WHAT THE FUCK, ACADEMY? WHAT THE FUCK
10:19: Yay, Bret McKenzie won! And he thanked Jim Henson and ohmygod Jason Segel's crying JASON SEGEL'S CRYING
10:25: OH GOD ADAPTED SCREENPLAY OH PLEASE OH PLEASE GIVE IT TO THE DESCENDENTS OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
----- JIM RASH!! JIM RASH!
10:28: HOLY SHIT DEAN PELTON WON AN OSCAR DEAN PELTON WON AN OSCAR I REALLY NEED TO LISTEN TO "KISS FROM A ROSE" RIGHT NOW
10:30: BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY goes to Woody Allen, who never leaves New York. So funny women can never win.
----- Really, Reese? Your favorite movie is Overboard? NO ONE IS EVER ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME AND ANCHORMAN EVER AGAIN.
10:37: Wow, Milla Jovovich got stuck with the Scientific Awards this year? The poor dear. That's what you get for only doing Resident: Evil movies. ("Real Zombies? DID YOU JUST SAY REAL ZOMBIES?!")
10:40: And Maya Rudolph was able to keep Kristen Wiig from going overboard with the dick jokes. But are you guys going to let the other women speak?
10:42: OH MY GOD THEY DID THEIR SCORSESE DRINKING GAME. I love those women. So much.
10:45: Seriously, now that Jim Rash won, I'm over the whole Oscars thing. In between writing down my thoughts, I'm searching Twitter for updates from the cast of Community to congratulate Dean Pelton. And dudes, if they don't somehow work that into an episode of Community, I'm going to be very disappointed.
10:48: Holy shit, we're almost done? Seriously? We just have Acting, Directing, and …. OH SHIT THE DEATH REEL
10:50: Wow, it's Best Director already? Michael Douglas is trying to tell a joke, but I was too busy commenting with the roommate on the fact that we still haven't seen the Death Reel yet.
10:53: Yay The Artist! I'll try and see that at some point. Did he just say "I have an Oscar"? That's awesome!
10:55: Meryl Streep puts on her awesome Lady Glasses to talk about the President's Award.
10:57: John Travolta? He's not dead?!
----- "YOU GET AN OSCAR! YOU GET AN OSCAR!"
11:01: Ha Jimmy Kimmel Say Anything-ing Oprah! Awesome!
11:03: Oh, are we going to sing over the Death Reel again? Can we not do that, please? (Also, if Elizabeth Taylor is not the last face shown, I call Shenanigans SO HARD …)
----- Oh god … MUTING.
----- Roommate: "Why are we seeing her singing and not the Death Reel?" Me: "THANK YOU"
11:05: Wait, this is all they're doing? They're just showing faces, not clips? Are - are you serious? Elizabeth Freaking Taylor is only getting a face?!
----- Okay, apparently SOME people are allowed to have clips. Like Tom Cruise's old friend, but not Jane freaking Russell?
11:07: Okay, not a complete Shenanigans moment. But dear God, when is this shitshow going to start showing some class again?
----- Can we has the end now?
11:10: Can I talk about the "Hi TV" commercial? I don't have kids, but I plan on having one at some point. And you know what I'm NOT going to have? My kid's first words be fucking "Hi TV" so it can watch penguins. I want my kid to read using books. Is that too much to ask?
11:11: Make a wish! (I WISH FOR THIS THING TO BE OVER NOW)
11:13: BEST ACTOR Oh man, I hope this goes to the Cloonster. Because that speech would rock.
11:16: Are you serious? (Oh god, I'm sorry - that pun was unintentional) This is Gary Oldman's first Oscar nomination? I had no idea! That man deserves to win at some point! (Maybe not tonight.)
11:18: Yay French Guy! (Clooney, you're okay - you've already got, like, two, right? Someday you'll win the Best Actor. You'll be okay.)
11:20: HOW ARE THERE MORE COMMERCIALS and is that the guy from Slumdog Millionaire singing?
11:23: Really, Billy? You make fun of the French? BEST ACTRESS
----- Yay Colin Firth! (I'm trying to decide what movie I should watch before bed tonight; I'd been leaning towards Pretend Boyfriend #4, Robert Downey Jr. in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but maybe it's time to watch Bridget Jones's Diary for the umpteenth time. Notice what I am not considering. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Attack of the Clones.)
11:29: Oh my god, I need to rewind so I can see Meryl Streep go "WHAT" one more time. Hold on - be right back.
----- Oh, this speech is going to be fucking AWESOME.
----- Is that Sylar in the background of that shot of the audience?
11:33: As I wipe my eyes…. Why is Tom Cruise presenting Best Picture? Because you know what was the WORST picture last year? Yeah, Mission Impossible. I don't like it so much, I'm not even going to go back and put the colon in there. (That's what she said?)
----- BEST PICTURE
11:35: If it's not The Artist, it's a crime.
----- THERE WAS ONLY ONE GUY CHEERING FOR EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE. Holy shit that was even funnier than Meryl Streep's "WHAT" face.
----- …. And Warm Horse.
11:36: And the winner is …. The Artist. Excellent. Now I can go to watch a movie I have seen a gazillion times and THERE'S A PUPPY ON THE STAGE! SHOW THE PUPPY AGAIN!
And, for one more year, here's what the Academy Awards program needs next year:
----- A comedy nominated for Best Picture. No, seriously. No; seriously.
----- A funny host. Like, a legitimately funny host. Like Conan O'Brien or Jimmy Fallon. Or someone completely absurd, like Will Ferrell. Or, hey, I don't know, how about A WOMAN? Maybe not Ellen Degeneres, even though I like her. What about Sandra Bullock? She's pretty awesome.
----- Less Cirque du Soleil and more getting through the show so actors have more time to speak.
----- Wait I take it back Robert Downey Jr. needs to host the Oscars. NEEDS TO. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH.
----- Seriously, can I take a crack at it? WAIT EVEN BETTER (I clearly need more sleep with this suggestion, but go with me on this) They should have Tabatha from Tabatha Takes Over DO THE OSCARS. She shuts them down, makes them watch the footage, and then comes up with ways to make it better. Then, six weeks later, they put on the show, and if it doesn't go well, someone gets fired. Yes.
See? I always have all the answers. Why am I working in retail, again?
No, you're totally right - I'm going to bitch exactly as much as I usually do.
So here we go: Alaina's Eighth Annual Running Commentary to the 84th Academy Awards.
8:30: Morgan Freeman's narrating the Oscars? Of course he is! This is the best Oscars already! (Please make fun of yourself narrating every movie in the history of everything, please, Mr. Freeman? Come on, you can do it. Also, can someone turn down the music underneath Mr. Freeman? It's really annoying!)
8:31: Oh god, Billy Crystal's doing his shtick about inserting himself into movies. I hate this already.
8:33: So wrong. I never want to see George Clooney kissing Billy Crystal ever again.
8:34: Okay, turning the Moneyball idiots into the disgusting older writers of the Oscars was both funny, and unfunnily true. You know that's what the writer's room looks like. They wouldn't hire young writers to actually write younger-skewing jokes if their ratings depended on it. Which it does, but they're too stupid to know.
----- I'm sorry. Apparently, this year's Oscar Running Commentary is brought to you by Vitriol, with a side of Angst. Use sparingly.
8:35: Justin Beiber? See, that's what I'm talking about! "What's funny nowadays that Billy Crystal can talk about?" "How about that Beiber kid?" "Do you think he'll do it?" DEAR GOD HELP
8:37: Billy Crystal looks more like a woman every damn day.
8:38: What the hell is Tom Cruise doing here? I paid $7 to see Mission Impossible in the theatre, but I can't tell you how much I'd pay to have the memory of the film erased.
8:40: Please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing please don't sing
8:41: No, Billy - I will be calling you Warm Horse. That movie will never not be called Warm Horse.
8:42: OH GOD HE'S SINGING … CHRIST
8:43: I'm sorry - I really wish that either Eddie Murphy or the Muppets were hosting this. Because at least the Muppets singing would be understandable, and you know that Eddie Murphy would be cringeworthy for an entirely different reason than this.
----- And there's Marty Scorsese explaining to his daughter or granddaughter or whatever what exactly Billy meant about shooting Ben Kingsley in the head.
8:45: Dear Oscar Producers: FIX YOUR SOUND MIXING. The music is completely overshadowing the actual talking piece.
8:46: Tom Hanks has a beard! And he's showing a seat filler? Oh my god, I love Tom Hanks so much right now!
8:47: BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY I think this might be the only category that Tree of Life wins. Let's see if I'm right.
----- Nope! To Hugo. Too bad, Crack Dinosaur Movie. Maybe never. No awards is just the right amount of awards for Tree of Life.
8:48: The reason why that dude didn't expect to have his award first up is because he totally just smoked up five minutes ago and the high hasn't worn off yet.
8:49: BEST ART DIRECTION. Oh come on, this should totally go to Harry Potter! That's not going to win anything!
----- Dammit Hugo!
8:50: SERIOUSLY TURN DOWN THE MUSIC AND TURN UP THE SPEAKING MICROPHONES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
8:53: Really, Billy? You're going to keep on with the bankruptcy jokes?
----- MONTAGE. That means it's time to refill the alcohol in my cup.
----- REALLY? YOU SHOW TWILIGHT in between LEGENDS OF THE FALL and THE PRINCESS BRIDE? That is not how you attract younger viewers, Academy!
8:55: AND AVATAR? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
8:56: I just realized. I should rewind and play "Movies I've Never Seen" with this montage. Be right back.
- Forrest Gump
- Legends of the Fall
- Amelie
- Ghost
- Jaws
- Apollo 13
- Planes, Trains and Automobiles
- Shawshank Redemption
- There's Something About Mary
- Apocalypse Now
- The Godfather
- A Few Good Men
- French Connection
- The Exorcist
- Beverly Hills Cop
- Star Wars
- The Natural
- Midnight Cowboy
- Rocky
But look at that! I can identify them in short blips without having seen them! SO THERE.
8:58: Fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! (I'm still pissed that didn't get nominated for an Oscar. So pissed.)
9:00: Dear Rachel Zoe: You did fantastic with Cameron Diaz this year.
----- BEST COSTUME DESIGN. Hoop skirt rule, which hopefully means that this should go to Jane Eyre.
----- Seriously? The Madonna film got nominated for something?
9:01: Yay for The Artist!
9:02: BEST MAKEUP I'm going to guess this goes to Hugo, even though it wasn't nominated, but I hope it goes to Harry Potter, because again, Harry needs to go home with something.
9:04: Oh, J. Lo and Cam - thank you for reminding me why I sometimes like the two of you. And okay, Iron Lady for winning!
9:05: Oh look, Antonio Banderes and Melanie Griffith are still married! I was wondering that.
9:07: Helen Mirren should host the Oscars. Let's get on that. Please? She'd be fricking fantastic!
9:08: "Will Moneyball be the first baseball picture to win Best Picture?" NO.
9:09: WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. ARE --- ARE YOU - DID THE ACADEMY FINALLY LISTEN TO ME?! All these years I've been bitching and moaning about how they always drag out the foreign stars to present Best Foreign Film. Every damn time. Last year, it was British people. The year before that, yeah, it was Quentin Tarantino, but Pedro Almodovar was there too. And this year, it's Sandy Bullock, America's Sweetheart? VICTORY IS MINE, PEOPLE!!
----- And now she's going to speak Mandarin. I love her so much.
9:14: Or German. Dear Lord, I love her. And I love that she's presenting Best Foreign Film. I can't get over this. I love this. (Oh, and it's going to be A Separation.)
9:16: Christopher Plummer's wife is bored.
9:17: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Oh GOD OH GOD OH GOD PLEASE GIVE IT TO MELISSA MCCARTHY
9:20: Okay, I'm okay with Octavia Spencer. And besides, when has the Academy ever rewarded anyone for stealing nine puppies? Someday, Academy. Someday I will write a comedy that will be recognized by the Academy and it will have both sex and poop jokes, and it will be marvelous.
9:22: What's with the violin in the balcony?
9:23: Lemme guess - Tina Fey's going to present the writing awards? Again? Really, Oscars? Really?
9:25: Oh man, it's the Christopher Guest crew. Where's Michael McKean?
9:27: Well, there's two minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Thanks, guys.
----- Tina Fey, what are you wearing? And Bradley Cooper, what the FUCK is that on your upper lip!?
9:28: BEST EDITING Oh man, please give it to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Because that was a fantastic movie. (But it'll probably go to Hugo. Bastard.)
9:29: YEAH GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO! I was not expecting that either! [Best acceptance speech EVAR.]
9:30: BEST SOUND EDITING Come on, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! Two for two?
----- Dammit, Hugo! (They had to show a clip of the movie because the winners were sitting so far in the back.)
9:32: BEST SOUND MIXING Come on, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo?
----- Dammit, Hugo! I was going to say, you have to show us how the scene with the train ends!
----- My Roommate: "The little shit derails the train!?"
9:34: Oh god… Fat Guy's crying, and all I'm hearing in my head is "Fat guy in a little coat…."
9:36: MUPPETS!!!!
9:37: Wait … they wasted the Muppets on introducing …. Cirque du Soleil? Are you … are you serious?
9:39: This STUPID SHOW would be so much better if they didn't show us STUPID SHIT like THIS. I mean, yes, it's beautiful and artistic and I would never degrade the Cirque du Soleil because it takes a lot of hard work, but I AM BORED.
9:42: BILLY. YOU DO NOT INSULT CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER. He will cut you so hard you won't feel it until you realize your knees have just been excised.
9:43: YEAH ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I don't know what he's doing, but it's going to be awesome.
----- Can we have Iron Man and Pepper Potts host the Oscars next year? Please? They work so well together!
9:45: BEST DOCUMENTARY. I don't care.
9:46: Somebody swore! And now they're playing music to get them off the stage! AND THEN THEY JUST CUT THE MIC? SERIOUSLY?
----- Oh thank God, Chris Rock is funny! (and starting to look a little like Morgan Freeman.)
9:47: BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. And Chris Rock is presenting. I love this.
----- And there's Diddy, wondering how to get into the animation business. Because he could use another million dollars.
9:49: Oh shit, Gore Verbinski is an Oscar Winner? Please don't bring up The Mexican.
9:54: BEST VISUAL EFFECTS Oh my god, Emma Stone is adorable right now.
----- Oh my God, Jonah's cutting her off! And Jason Segel's there!!
----- THE AVATAR THING WAS AWESOME, EMMA STONE! I'm still laughing at that!
9:56 oh please oh please give it to Harry Potter… that poor boy wizard deserves something!
9:57: Are you serious?! DAMMIT HUGO!
----- You know what I just realized? Every time I yell "Dammit Hugo," I want to apologize for Katherine Heigl for not also blaming her for everything as well, but in addition, I hear it in the voice of Sawyer, cursing at Hurley for something. I HAVE WATCHED TOO MUCH LOST.
9:59: Hey, Colin Firth is there! Oh, right… BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. This should go to Christopher Plummer.
10:02: YAY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER!! Now someone should write something for Peter O'Toole so he can win one too! (I'll write it! He can be the dirty old man who learns to love!)
10:04: God, I love Christopher Plummer. He's just a fantastic person.
10:06: Damn, I'm back on live TV. And I really need to get caught up on Revenge.
10:08: Oh god. They're doing the Billy Crystal Can Read Minds Thing again.
----- Oh my god this is so FUCKING ANNOYING WHY DIDN'T I PAUSE MORE AND JUST WATCH THE COMMERCIALS SO I COULD FAST FORWARD THROUGH THIS NOW
10:09: IS THAT BAXTER FROM ANCHORMAN!? Did Katow-Jo help him get to Los Angeles?!
----- President's speech. Bor-ring. Naptime.
10:12: BEST SCORE. Lemme guess -- Hugo? No wait, it has to be The Artist because a of all, it's a fucking silent film, and b of all, because Trent Reznor was denied for Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.
10:14: Holy shit, he never had formal composing training? Shut up! That's fantastic! Go The Artist dude!
10:16: YES THEY GAVE WILL FERRELL AND ZACH GALFIANAKIS CYMBALS WHY DID NO ONE THINK THAT WOULDN'T GO BADLY
------ BEST ORIGINAL SONG
10:18: Hold on, I need to pause.
*ahem*
THEY WASTED FOUR MINUTES OF MY LIFE WITH BILLY CRYSTAL FUCKING MIND-READING AND WOULDN'T LET JASON SEGEL FUCKING SING HIS OWN FUCKING SONG? WHAT THE FUCK, ACADEMY? WHAT THE FUCK
10:19: Yay, Bret McKenzie won! And he thanked Jim Henson and ohmygod Jason Segel's crying JASON SEGEL'S CRYING
10:25: OH GOD ADAPTED SCREENPLAY OH PLEASE OH PLEASE GIVE IT TO THE DESCENDENTS OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
----- JIM RASH!! JIM RASH!
10:28: HOLY SHIT DEAN PELTON WON AN OSCAR DEAN PELTON WON AN OSCAR I REALLY NEED TO LISTEN TO "KISS FROM A ROSE" RIGHT NOW
10:30: BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY goes to Woody Allen, who never leaves New York. So funny women can never win.
----- Really, Reese? Your favorite movie is Overboard? NO ONE IS EVER ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME AND ANCHORMAN EVER AGAIN.
10:37: Wow, Milla Jovovich got stuck with the Scientific Awards this year? The poor dear. That's what you get for only doing Resident: Evil movies. ("Real Zombies? DID YOU JUST SAY REAL ZOMBIES?!")
10:40: And Maya Rudolph was able to keep Kristen Wiig from going overboard with the dick jokes. But are you guys going to let the other women speak?
10:42: OH MY GOD THEY DID THEIR SCORSESE DRINKING GAME. I love those women. So much.
10:45: Seriously, now that Jim Rash won, I'm over the whole Oscars thing. In between writing down my thoughts, I'm searching Twitter for updates from the cast of Community to congratulate Dean Pelton. And dudes, if they don't somehow work that into an episode of Community, I'm going to be very disappointed.
10:48: Holy shit, we're almost done? Seriously? We just have Acting, Directing, and …. OH SHIT THE DEATH REEL
10:50: Wow, it's Best Director already? Michael Douglas is trying to tell a joke, but I was too busy commenting with the roommate on the fact that we still haven't seen the Death Reel yet.
10:53: Yay The Artist! I'll try and see that at some point. Did he just say "I have an Oscar"? That's awesome!
10:55: Meryl Streep puts on her awesome Lady Glasses to talk about the President's Award.
10:57: John Travolta? He's not dead?!
----- "YOU GET AN OSCAR! YOU GET AN OSCAR!"
11:01: Ha Jimmy Kimmel Say Anything-ing Oprah! Awesome!
11:03: Oh, are we going to sing over the Death Reel again? Can we not do that, please? (Also, if Elizabeth Taylor is not the last face shown, I call Shenanigans SO HARD …)
----- Oh god … MUTING.
----- Roommate: "Why are we seeing her singing and not the Death Reel?" Me: "THANK YOU"
11:05: Wait, this is all they're doing? They're just showing faces, not clips? Are - are you serious? Elizabeth Freaking Taylor is only getting a face?!
----- Okay, apparently SOME people are allowed to have clips. Like Tom Cruise's old friend, but not Jane freaking Russell?
11:07: Okay, not a complete Shenanigans moment. But dear God, when is this shitshow going to start showing some class again?
----- Can we has the end now?
11:10: Can I talk about the "Hi TV" commercial? I don't have kids, but I plan on having one at some point. And you know what I'm NOT going to have? My kid's first words be fucking "Hi TV" so it can watch penguins. I want my kid to read using books. Is that too much to ask?
11:11: Make a wish! (I WISH FOR THIS THING TO BE OVER NOW)
11:13: BEST ACTOR Oh man, I hope this goes to the Cloonster. Because that speech would rock.
11:16: Are you serious? (Oh god, I'm sorry - that pun was unintentional) This is Gary Oldman's first Oscar nomination? I had no idea! That man deserves to win at some point! (Maybe not tonight.)
11:18: Yay French Guy! (Clooney, you're okay - you've already got, like, two, right? Someday you'll win the Best Actor. You'll be okay.)
11:20: HOW ARE THERE MORE COMMERCIALS and is that the guy from Slumdog Millionaire singing?
11:23: Really, Billy? You make fun of the French? BEST ACTRESS
----- Yay Colin Firth! (I'm trying to decide what movie I should watch before bed tonight; I'd been leaning towards Pretend Boyfriend #4, Robert Downey Jr. in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but maybe it's time to watch Bridget Jones's Diary for the umpteenth time. Notice what I am not considering. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Attack of the Clones.)
11:29: Oh my god, I need to rewind so I can see Meryl Streep go "WHAT" one more time. Hold on - be right back.
----- Oh, this speech is going to be fucking AWESOME.
----- Is that Sylar in the background of that shot of the audience?
11:33: As I wipe my eyes…. Why is Tom Cruise presenting Best Picture? Because you know what was the WORST picture last year? Yeah, Mission Impossible. I don't like it so much, I'm not even going to go back and put the colon in there. (That's what she said?)
----- BEST PICTURE
11:35: If it's not The Artist, it's a crime.
----- THERE WAS ONLY ONE GUY CHEERING FOR EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE. Holy shit that was even funnier than Meryl Streep's "WHAT" face.
----- …. And Warm Horse.
11:36: And the winner is …. The Artist. Excellent. Now I can go to watch a movie I have seen a gazillion times and THERE'S A PUPPY ON THE STAGE! SHOW THE PUPPY AGAIN!
And, for one more year, here's what the Academy Awards program needs next year:
----- A comedy nominated for Best Picture. No, seriously. No; seriously.
----- A funny host. Like, a legitimately funny host. Like Conan O'Brien or Jimmy Fallon. Or someone completely absurd, like Will Ferrell. Or, hey, I don't know, how about A WOMAN? Maybe not Ellen Degeneres, even though I like her. What about Sandra Bullock? She's pretty awesome.
----- Less Cirque du Soleil and more getting through the show so actors have more time to speak.
----- Wait I take it back Robert Downey Jr. needs to host the Oscars. NEEDS TO. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH.
----- Seriously, can I take a crack at it? WAIT EVEN BETTER (I clearly need more sleep with this suggestion, but go with me on this) They should have Tabatha from Tabatha Takes Over DO THE OSCARS. She shuts them down, makes them watch the footage, and then comes up with ways to make it better. Then, six weeks later, they put on the show, and if it doesn't go well, someone gets fired. Yes.
See? I always have all the answers. Why am I working in retail, again?