Well, now I can catch up on Conan.
And finally, after three and a half weeks of watching non-stop movies, some to the detriment of my mental health, a new (temporary) computer set-up that may be affecting my vision and head, and a lively debate with a co-worker that nearly ended in fisticuffs, I bring you Alaina's Seventh Annual Running Commentary to the 83rd Academy Awards.
Please note: I apologize for nothing, not even the overuse of capslock.
8:24 - Okay. Here we are, six minutes to go. And I'm already bored. Why do they do this to me every year? They reel me in at 8 p.m., taunting me that the Oscars are actually going to start at 8, and then I'm stuck listening to Robin Whatserface talking about the most memorable acceptance speeches and then showing ten seconds of Tom Hanks and Roberto Benini. Roberto Benini! Come on!
So here I am, the laptop is actually in my lap and the monitor is on the coffee table (no, I still haven't fixed the screen issue, whatever), and ... why is Steven Spielberg mopping that guy's head? Who is that guy? Anyway, I'm about to make something called an Absolut Peach Cocktail, but I don't think that's right, because all it is is 7-Up, Absolut Vodka, and Peach Schnapps. Because yes, if I'm going to get drunk tonight (god willing!), I'm drinking the effing peach schnapps that was my Christmas present, no, screw you Brad, I'm winning.
8:30 - Hey, that's not half bad. I apologize, Brad.
8:31 - And away we go.
8:32 - It's so weird knowing that I've seen all of these movies. (PS - I'm ninety percent sure this is also Trent Reznor's score. Just saying.)
8:34 - HEY LOOK ALEC BALDWIN ALSO HAS AN ALCHOLIC CAPRI SUN WHY AREN'T I DRINKING MINE
8:35 - What the ... is that Morgan Freeman narrating? YES IT IS. And he narrates Alec Baldwin's dreams?! AMAZING. I love that so much. And I almost believe it.
8:37 - Okay, this Black Swan thing lost me. And this montage is almost kind of horrible.
8:38 - BACK TO THE FUTURE HELL YES THIS MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING HOLY SHIT
- You guys don't even know, I'm smiling so hard right now.
8:39 - Yes, that was corny and, again, in most cases, awful, but I'm still smiling about the Back to the Future thing.
8:40 - Nice call out to the trying to get a younger demographic. Y'know what would work towards getting a younger demographic? NOMINATING A COMEDY THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ANNETTE BENING.
8:41 - What's with the mothers? Seriously?
8:43 - What's with the Gone With the Wind? What was the point of that? I've only had one sip of alcohol.
8:45 - Wait, is Kate Winslet coming onstage? They're playing her theme song!
- BEST ART DIRECTION oh crap, I can't remember who I picked? Oh right, Inception. (Geez, Alaina, that was two hours ago!)
8:47 - Whoa! Alice in Wonderland for the steal. Awesome! I am okay with that, actually.
- I think I'm going to have to buy this movie when I find it for less than twelve dollars, because I really like this movie.
8:48 - Did you just thank "the other guys," instead of "the other nominees"? Wow, dude, you were totally unprepared for winning, weren't you? That'll learn ya.
8:49 - BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
- And here's where Inception wins. Oh well. At least it won something in the general category of artiness.
8:50 - WALLY PFISTER. STOP ACTING LIKE A SCHMUCK.
8:52 - Wow - they wheeled Kirk Douglas out for this?! What on earth could he possibly say? Don't get me wrong, I love Kirk Douglas, but, come on guys. You're trying to get a younger demographic?!
8:53 - WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE. Who won Best Supporting Actor last year? Why isn't he presenting the nominees for Best Supporting Actress? And they couldn't bring out a YOUNGER actor to do it? I'm not ageist by any means, but in terms of reaching a younger demographic and appearing relevant, dear whoever's in charge of the Oscars this year: YOU'RE SUCKING AT IT.
8:55 - Christoph Weitz. Where the hell is Christoph Weitz? Why isn't he up there?
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
8:57 - JUST GIVE THE DAMN AWARD OH MY GOD HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN WHAT THE EFF IS THIS I want to call up someone and complain about this five minute travesty that was just wasted.
9:00 - OH MY JESUS GOD SHE JUST SAID 'FUCK' AT THE OSCARS CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON I AM KILLING MYSELF OVER HERE. How has it been thirty-one minutes and already the WORST OSCARS ON RECORD!?
9:01 - That's it, where's the bottle of peach schnapps, screw the 7-Up, lemme just -
9:02 - NOTE TO SELF NEVER CHUG PEACH SCHNAPPS.
9:04 - If you're going for the Young and Hip Oscars, DON'T BRING OUT KIRK DOUGLAS.
9:06 - Best Animated Feature has already been around for ten years? God, I'm old.
9:07 - BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM. I didn't count this in my earlier nominations/picks list, so if "Day and Night" wins, I won't count it towards my total.
9:08 - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DON'T YOU DARE BE LIKE KIRK DOUGLAS YOU'RE TOO CUTE FOR THAT.
- Well, guess I'm glad I didn't count Best Animated Short Film towards my total. By the way, of the ones I've counted? I'm one for three. Damn. I suck.
9:10 - BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. Come on, it's going to be Toy Story 3, we all know it, right?
- Oh hey, I was totally asleep during that part of The Illusionist.
- YES BUZZ EN ESPANOL.
9:11 - Two for four, and I'm telling you, this should just be renamed the Pixar Award.
9:14 - Can I tell you how much I love Jeremy the TiVo (when he decides to work)? Because I totally paused a few years times (it felt like years, hence the Freudian slip) during the Kirk Douglas fiasco, which was neither cute nor funny, and now I'm practically live again.
9:15 - Oh sure, mention Javier Bardem and then cut to Penelope Cruz. YOU'RE SO FUNNY CAMERAS.
- Wait, why are Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin dressed like waiters?
9:16 - BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.
- You're not going to do the thing where you actually read the parts of the screenplay? Oh right, you built in TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES FOR KIRK DOUGLAS. (No, I'm really not going to let that go.)
- Shit. Welcome to the world, Academy Award-winner Aaron Sorkin. You're never going to get over yourself, are you?
9:17 - Oh my God, Sorkin, you rehearsed that! There's no way you automatically knew who the screenwriter for Network was. YOU'VE BEEN A WINNER FOR THIRTY SECONDS. Why are you accepting it on Ben Mezrich's behalf?
9:19 - The violins are playing, dude. GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE.
9:20 - Oh, thank you, Original Screenplay for showing parts of the screenplay.
9:21 - Winner is The King's Speech, which not only means that I am currently four for six, but it also means that it really could be anyone's game about Best Picture.
9:27 - WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THAT, JAMES FRANCO. (ooooh, Charlie Sheen reference? really?)
- Russell Brand and Helen Mirren? If I didn't know they were starring in Arthur together, I'd say that's a weird combination.
9:28 - Hey, I do know that bit of French! And that's not what she said, Russell. Now go away, you're bothering me.
- Okay, British stars presenting the Best Foreign Film? I can ... no, still not good enough. GIVE ME COLBERT OR STOP SHOWING THIS CATEGORY.
9:30 - Wow, In a Better World won. And y'know, as soon as I saw the clip, I remembered that I think this also won at the Globes, which don't really count, but still? Anyway, sorry, Javier Bardem.
9:31 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. (I hope Christian Bale is actually present and not, y'know, out somewhere.)
9:34 - What happened to Geoffrey Rush's hair?
- Yay Christian Bale! (5 for 8, by the way.)
9:36 - Yay, the real Dicky Eklund's there! That's awesome! (Sidebar - I wore a dress very similar in style to Reese Witherspoon's for my prom dress.)
9:38 - Oh crap, I'm live again. I can't fast-forward through the President's speech!
9:41 - Okay. The only goddamn reason you decided to do this stupid set with the projection capability was so you could indulge your geek kink and play the Star Wars theme while blasting off into hyperspace. WHY IS STAR WARS HERE IT'S NOT EVEN CELEBRATING AN ANNIVERSARY.
9:43 - Is it wrong that I'm sitting here thinking that maybe I should have worked my original shift tonight, which was a 2-10? I'm feeling guilty that I made Laurie switch with me because I really wanted to watch the Oscars. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
- BEST ORIGINAL SCORE.
- I REALLY want Trent Reznor to win. Seriously, hard-core, want Trent Reznor to win.
9:44 - YES! This is the first time I've been genuinely happy and amused at the Oscars. That's freaking amazing. I love this.
9:46 - Ten bucks says that Brad'll have the Kevin Bacon reference figured out. He kind of rocks at that game.
- Matthew McConaghy, dude - what's with the horrible fake and bake tan?
9:47 - Matthew McConaghy and Scarlett Johansen: STOP SAYING "SOUND."
- BEST SOUND MIXING. Whoops, went to Inception, not Social Network. Oh well. Although, I guess it's okay, because they're really not going to win anything else besides the arty stuff.
9:49 - BEST SOUND EDITING.
9:50 - Hey, I got that one right! Inception again. (7 for 11. That's more than 50%!)
9:51 - I have a headache. Maybe I should stop drinking? Eh - just finish the glass, it's been your only one.
9:53 - Okay, I have to mention ... uh, two things, apparently. It was only going to be one, but now it's two. Number one: Anne Hathaway, what did you do to your head? Why is it all spiky and pointy? Number two: Marisa Tomei, what happened to your dress? It, like, exploded in an awful way.
9:55 - James Franco, did you just say "congratulations, nerds" to the scientists?
- Cate Blanchett, are you wearing an apron!?
- Alaina Patterson, are you drunk? no
9:56 - BEST MAKEUP. Come on, it's The Wolfman. Of course it's The Wolfman, they turned a MAN into a WOLF. (8 for 12!)
9:58 - BEST COSTUME DESIGN. Oh crap, I didn't know there were hoop skirts in The Tempest! That throws my whole game off and I - oh, wait, Alice in Wonderland won anyway. Cool. (9 for 13.)
- Wait, is that set backdrop supposed to be from Lord of the Rings? What is going on? Why is everything so random? WHY ARE THEY USING CAMERA THREE HERE?
10:01 - I fucking HATE Dirty Dancing.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS OBAMA DOING HERE?!
10:02 - Random!Kevin Spacey? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. I seriously have no fucking clue what's going on. It feels like that one time I tuned into Aqua Teen Hunger Force at 3 a.m. and thought I had taken acid without knowing about it.
10:03 - Every time I hear Randy Newman I think about that episode of Family Guy where they run into him on the side of the road and he starts singing about what Lois is doing.
10:06 - Hey! Zachary Levi! I like him! *unmuted*
10:11 - Wow, okay, James Franco, maybe lay off on the pot backstage? I know you'd rather be teaching your annex course tonight.
10:12 - OH GOD THE SHORT SUBJECTS SHOOT ME NOW.
- They just applauded Jake Gyllenhaal for reading.
10:13 - Dear Amy Adams: I feel that your necklace would have been more wow-making if you had picked a dress with a more open neck. Because emerald on sapphire kind of gets lost, but it would show up awesomely on your pale skin. Just a thought.
10:15 - I have a feeling this guy's going to give an awesome speech, based on his hair alone.
10:16 - Yeah, you best applaud his mother for being craft services. You wish you had your mom giving you craft services. uh, I just reread that, and that sounds incredibly dirty. I was trying to refer to the fact that actors rarely get home-cooked meals by their mothers, and it's a nice thing to have.
10:17 - DID YOU REALLY JUST DO THAT JAMES FRANCO? Did you really just give a shout-out to NYU? Holy Hannah.
10:18 - What the everloving fuck is THIS. This isn't even allowed to have a question mark, it's so awful. "Tiny Ball of Light"? Dumbledore would be rolling over in his grave if he were a real person and actually dead. (although "He doesn't even own a shirt" was kind of funny)
10:20 - And the award for most mature host ever goes to: Anne Hathaway, for turning her body so the beaded fringe on her dress flies around like crazy.
10:21 - Oprah! (If she starts yelling YOU GET AN OSCAR, YOU GET AN OSCAR, YOU GET AN OSCAR, that would be fan-freakin'-tastic.)
10:22 - How many more of the I Don't Care awards do we have to go through? I'm bored and, worst of all, embarrassed.
- Oooh, Robert Downey Jr.'s coming up!
10:27 - You know your telecast is going horribly when they call in BILLY CRYSTAL. Do you hear those cheers and standing ovations? They want you back, buddy! Because tonight's show SUUUUUCKS!
10:28 - A really sexy movie star? Yeah, okay, Miracle Max.
10:30 - Are we really watching a hologram of Bob Hope? No wait, I'm sorry, a hologram with a bad impersonation of Bob Hope?
10:32 - JUDE LAW DID YOU JUST BRING UP ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S 2000 ARREST? It's a good thing I know the two of you funny, handsome men are friends. And Jude, honey? There's a reason RDJ's on my list of Free Five and you're not.
10:33 - PS, I guessed Inception for this, but ... I think I lost count? (10 for 14)
10:35 - Wow, okay, they're just jumping into Best Editing. Okay, well, let's see what happens.
10:37 - Oh crap, it went to The Social Network. Oh god, it can't win Best Picture. Brad will be insufferable!
10:43 - Okay, I guess I remember this song. All I can remember about this movie is being so crazy thirsty but feeling guilty about drinking the ice cold water I had by my left elbow.
10:44 - I do have to listen to her sing "Coming Home" again. Cripe's sake ...
10:45 - I say again: where is the nomination for "Pimps Don't Cry"? Best song from a movie of last year, hands down.
- BEST ORIGINAL SONG. 11 for 16, Randy Newman and Toy Story 3.
10:48 - Randy Newman's actually funny - who knew? "I thank ya'll very much for this." That's so awesome.
10:51 - Best laugh of the night? Cameron and Mitchell from Modern Family complaining about the Oscar charades game. That was fantastic. It was also a COMMERCIAL and not part of the ACTUAL OSCAR TELECAST.
10:52 - DEATH REEL.
- God, I knew that Celine Dion was singing during the Death Reel, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
- Aww... that dude with the ... Tie Fighter? He's so happy!
10:54 - Oh God - I just realized - we haven't even gotten to the frickin' Governor's award and all that crap! I'm going to be awake forever.
11:01 - Anne Hathaway, are you wearing purple vinyl?!
- Did they just bring out Hilary Swank to rub it in Annette Bening's face? I totally hope so.
11:02 - Oh shit. Are they presenting Best Director already? SHIT THEY'RE PRESENTING BEST DIRECTOR ALREADY. Shut UP, Brad, don't call me, nothing's happened yet!
11:03 - HA!!! HA HA HA HA HA SHUT UP BRAD WHAT DID I - wait, we both lose. Dammit!
- However, this PROVES that I am right about The King's Speech winning Best Picture. Suck it, Brad!
11:06 - Annette Bening's dress makes her look like the Chrysler Building.
- Oh, Eli Wallach! He was in one of my favorite movies ever, How to Steal a Million!
11:12 - BEST ACTRESS. Oh, so now what we're doing, is instead of having five different people making testimonies, one person is making five testimonies? I call crap.
11:16 - Let's see how this goes. All right! Well-deserved, Natalie Portman!
- Annette Bening's giving the "I can't believe that just happened again" slow clap to Natalie Portman. Heh heh heh ...
11:19 - Well, if you say so, Anne. *drinks*
11:20 - BEST ACTOR. (where am I, 12 for 18? Yeah, that's right. I think.)
11:21 - God, I wish my head would stop hurting...
- Sandra Bullock just called Jeff Bridges the Dude. Awesome. I love her.
11:22 - THERE'S A QUARK IN MY BENDIT.
11:25 - Yay! Colin Firth wins! If I didn't have to be at work in about eleven hours, I'd stay up and watch Bridget Jones's Diary again.
11:28 - Aww... I can't help but feel anything but love for Colin Firth.
11:31 - Okay, here we go, the moment I've been waiting for - the moment before the moment that I can go to bed.
- I can never call it anything but Raging Bullshit. Never.
11:35 - I'm not sure how I feel about that montage. It was interesting ... but was it worth four minutes of airtime?
11:36 - And the Oscar goes to: the King's Speech. Stupid Tom Hooper. If David Fincher had won like I said he was going to, I'd be going to see Jane Eyre on Brad's dime. Dangit.
Please note: I apologize for nothing, not even the overuse of capslock.
8:24 - Okay. Here we are, six minutes to go. And I'm already bored. Why do they do this to me every year? They reel me in at 8 p.m., taunting me that the Oscars are actually going to start at 8, and then I'm stuck listening to Robin Whatserface talking about the most memorable acceptance speeches and then showing ten seconds of Tom Hanks and Roberto Benini. Roberto Benini! Come on!
So here I am, the laptop is actually in my lap and the monitor is on the coffee table (no, I still haven't fixed the screen issue, whatever), and ... why is Steven Spielberg mopping that guy's head? Who is that guy? Anyway, I'm about to make something called an Absolut Peach Cocktail, but I don't think that's right, because all it is is 7-Up, Absolut Vodka, and Peach Schnapps. Because yes, if I'm going to get drunk tonight (god willing!), I'm drinking the effing peach schnapps that was my Christmas present, no, screw you Brad, I'm winning.
8:30 - Hey, that's not half bad. I apologize, Brad.
8:31 - And away we go.
8:32 - It's so weird knowing that I've seen all of these movies. (PS - I'm ninety percent sure this is also Trent Reznor's score. Just saying.)
8:34 - HEY LOOK ALEC BALDWIN ALSO HAS AN ALCHOLIC CAPRI SUN WHY AREN'T I DRINKING MINE
8:35 - What the ... is that Morgan Freeman narrating? YES IT IS. And he narrates Alec Baldwin's dreams?! AMAZING. I love that so much. And I almost believe it.
8:37 - Okay, this Black Swan thing lost me. And this montage is almost kind of horrible.
8:38 - BACK TO THE FUTURE HELL YES THIS MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING HOLY SHIT
- You guys don't even know, I'm smiling so hard right now.
8:39 - Yes, that was corny and, again, in most cases, awful, but I'm still smiling about the Back to the Future thing.
8:40 - Nice call out to the trying to get a younger demographic. Y'know what would work towards getting a younger demographic? NOMINATING A COMEDY THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ANNETTE BENING.
8:41 - What's with the mothers? Seriously?
8:43 - What's with the Gone With the Wind? What was the point of that? I've only had one sip of alcohol.
8:45 - Wait, is Kate Winslet coming onstage? They're playing her theme song!
- BEST ART DIRECTION oh crap, I can't remember who I picked? Oh right, Inception. (Geez, Alaina, that was two hours ago!)
8:47 - Whoa! Alice in Wonderland for the steal. Awesome! I am okay with that, actually.
- I think I'm going to have to buy this movie when I find it for less than twelve dollars, because I really like this movie.
8:48 - Did you just thank "the other guys," instead of "the other nominees"? Wow, dude, you were totally unprepared for winning, weren't you? That'll learn ya.
8:49 - BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
- And here's where Inception wins. Oh well. At least it won something in the general category of artiness.
8:50 - WALLY PFISTER. STOP ACTING LIKE A SCHMUCK.
8:52 - Wow - they wheeled Kirk Douglas out for this?! What on earth could he possibly say? Don't get me wrong, I love Kirk Douglas, but, come on guys. You're trying to get a younger demographic?!
8:53 - WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE. Who won Best Supporting Actor last year? Why isn't he presenting the nominees for Best Supporting Actress? And they couldn't bring out a YOUNGER actor to do it? I'm not ageist by any means, but in terms of reaching a younger demographic and appearing relevant, dear whoever's in charge of the Oscars this year: YOU'RE SUCKING AT IT.
8:55 - Christoph Weitz. Where the hell is Christoph Weitz? Why isn't he up there?
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
8:57 - JUST GIVE THE DAMN AWARD OH MY GOD HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN WHAT THE EFF IS THIS I want to call up someone and complain about this five minute travesty that was just wasted.
9:00 - OH MY JESUS GOD SHE JUST SAID 'FUCK' AT THE OSCARS CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON I AM KILLING MYSELF OVER HERE. How has it been thirty-one minutes and already the WORST OSCARS ON RECORD!?
9:01 - That's it, where's the bottle of peach schnapps, screw the 7-Up, lemme just -
9:02 - NOTE TO SELF NEVER CHUG PEACH SCHNAPPS.
9:04 - If you're going for the Young and Hip Oscars, DON'T BRING OUT KIRK DOUGLAS.
9:06 - Best Animated Feature has already been around for ten years? God, I'm old.
9:07 - BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM. I didn't count this in my earlier nominations/picks list, so if "Day and Night" wins, I won't count it towards my total.
9:08 - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DON'T YOU DARE BE LIKE KIRK DOUGLAS YOU'RE TOO CUTE FOR THAT.
- Well, guess I'm glad I didn't count Best Animated Short Film towards my total. By the way, of the ones I've counted? I'm one for three. Damn. I suck.
9:10 - BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. Come on, it's going to be Toy Story 3, we all know it, right?
- Oh hey, I was totally asleep during that part of The Illusionist.
- YES BUZZ EN ESPANOL.
9:11 - Two for four, and I'm telling you, this should just be renamed the Pixar Award.
9:14 - Can I tell you how much I love Jeremy the TiVo (when he decides to work)? Because I totally paused a few years times (it felt like years, hence the Freudian slip) during the Kirk Douglas fiasco, which was neither cute nor funny, and now I'm practically live again.
9:15 - Oh sure, mention Javier Bardem and then cut to Penelope Cruz. YOU'RE SO FUNNY CAMERAS.
- Wait, why are Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin dressed like waiters?
9:16 - BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.
- You're not going to do the thing where you actually read the parts of the screenplay? Oh right, you built in TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES FOR KIRK DOUGLAS. (No, I'm really not going to let that go.)
- Shit. Welcome to the world, Academy Award-winner Aaron Sorkin. You're never going to get over yourself, are you?
9:17 - Oh my God, Sorkin, you rehearsed that! There's no way you automatically knew who the screenwriter for Network was. YOU'VE BEEN A WINNER FOR THIRTY SECONDS. Why are you accepting it on Ben Mezrich's behalf?
9:19 - The violins are playing, dude. GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE.
9:20 - Oh, thank you, Original Screenplay for showing parts of the screenplay.
9:21 - Winner is The King's Speech, which not only means that I am currently four for six, but it also means that it really could be anyone's game about Best Picture.
9:27 - WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THAT, JAMES FRANCO. (ooooh, Charlie Sheen reference? really?)
- Russell Brand and Helen Mirren? If I didn't know they were starring in Arthur together, I'd say that's a weird combination.
9:28 - Hey, I do know that bit of French! And that's not what she said, Russell. Now go away, you're bothering me.
- Okay, British stars presenting the Best Foreign Film? I can ... no, still not good enough. GIVE ME COLBERT OR STOP SHOWING THIS CATEGORY.
9:30 - Wow, In a Better World won. And y'know, as soon as I saw the clip, I remembered that I think this also won at the Globes, which don't really count, but still? Anyway, sorry, Javier Bardem.
9:31 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. (I hope Christian Bale is actually present and not, y'know, out somewhere.)
9:34 - What happened to Geoffrey Rush's hair?
- Yay Christian Bale! (5 for 8, by the way.)
9:36 - Yay, the real Dicky Eklund's there! That's awesome! (Sidebar - I wore a dress very similar in style to Reese Witherspoon's for my prom dress.)
9:38 - Oh crap, I'm live again. I can't fast-forward through the President's speech!
9:41 - Okay. The only goddamn reason you decided to do this stupid set with the projection capability was so you could indulge your geek kink and play the Star Wars theme while blasting off into hyperspace. WHY IS STAR WARS HERE IT'S NOT EVEN CELEBRATING AN ANNIVERSARY.
9:43 - Is it wrong that I'm sitting here thinking that maybe I should have worked my original shift tonight, which was a 2-10? I'm feeling guilty that I made Laurie switch with me because I really wanted to watch the Oscars. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
- BEST ORIGINAL SCORE.
- I REALLY want Trent Reznor to win. Seriously, hard-core, want Trent Reznor to win.
9:44 - YES! This is the first time I've been genuinely happy and amused at the Oscars. That's freaking amazing. I love this.
9:46 - Ten bucks says that Brad'll have the Kevin Bacon reference figured out. He kind of rocks at that game.
- Matthew McConaghy, dude - what's with the horrible fake and bake tan?
9:47 - Matthew McConaghy and Scarlett Johansen: STOP SAYING "SOUND."
- BEST SOUND MIXING. Whoops, went to Inception, not Social Network. Oh well. Although, I guess it's okay, because they're really not going to win anything else besides the arty stuff.
9:49 - BEST SOUND EDITING.
9:50 - Hey, I got that one right! Inception again. (7 for 11. That's more than 50%!)
9:51 - I have a headache. Maybe I should stop drinking? Eh - just finish the glass, it's been your only one.
9:53 - Okay, I have to mention ... uh, two things, apparently. It was only going to be one, but now it's two. Number one: Anne Hathaway, what did you do to your head? Why is it all spiky and pointy? Number two: Marisa Tomei, what happened to your dress? It, like, exploded in an awful way.
9:55 - James Franco, did you just say "congratulations, nerds" to the scientists?
- Cate Blanchett, are you wearing an apron!?
- Alaina Patterson, are you drunk? no
9:56 - BEST MAKEUP. Come on, it's The Wolfman. Of course it's The Wolfman, they turned a MAN into a WOLF. (8 for 12!)
9:58 - BEST COSTUME DESIGN. Oh crap, I didn't know there were hoop skirts in The Tempest! That throws my whole game off and I - oh, wait, Alice in Wonderland won anyway. Cool. (9 for 13.)
- Wait, is that set backdrop supposed to be from Lord of the Rings? What is going on? Why is everything so random? WHY ARE THEY USING CAMERA THREE HERE?
10:01 - I fucking HATE Dirty Dancing.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS OBAMA DOING HERE?!
10:02 - Random!Kevin Spacey? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. I seriously have no fucking clue what's going on. It feels like that one time I tuned into Aqua Teen Hunger Force at 3 a.m. and thought I had taken acid without knowing about it.
10:03 - Every time I hear Randy Newman I think about that episode of Family Guy where they run into him on the side of the road and he starts singing about what Lois is doing.
10:06 - Hey! Zachary Levi! I like him! *unmuted*
10:11 - Wow, okay, James Franco, maybe lay off on the pot backstage? I know you'd rather be teaching your annex course tonight.
10:12 - OH GOD THE SHORT SUBJECTS SHOOT ME NOW.
- They just applauded Jake Gyllenhaal for reading.
10:13 - Dear Amy Adams: I feel that your necklace would have been more wow-making if you had picked a dress with a more open neck. Because emerald on sapphire kind of gets lost, but it would show up awesomely on your pale skin. Just a thought.
10:15 - I have a feeling this guy's going to give an awesome speech, based on his hair alone.
10:16 - Yeah, you best applaud his mother for being craft services. You wish you had your mom giving you craft services. uh, I just reread that, and that sounds incredibly dirty. I was trying to refer to the fact that actors rarely get home-cooked meals by their mothers, and it's a nice thing to have.
10:17 - DID YOU REALLY JUST DO THAT JAMES FRANCO? Did you really just give a shout-out to NYU? Holy Hannah.
10:18 - What the everloving fuck is THIS. This isn't even allowed to have a question mark, it's so awful. "Tiny Ball of Light"? Dumbledore would be rolling over in his grave if he were a real person and actually dead. (although "He doesn't even own a shirt" was kind of funny)
10:20 - And the award for most mature host ever goes to: Anne Hathaway, for turning her body so the beaded fringe on her dress flies around like crazy.
10:21 - Oprah! (If she starts yelling YOU GET AN OSCAR, YOU GET AN OSCAR, YOU GET AN OSCAR, that would be fan-freakin'-tastic.)
10:22 - How many more of the I Don't Care awards do we have to go through? I'm bored and, worst of all, embarrassed.
- Oooh, Robert Downey Jr.'s coming up!
10:27 - You know your telecast is going horribly when they call in BILLY CRYSTAL. Do you hear those cheers and standing ovations? They want you back, buddy! Because tonight's show SUUUUUCKS!
10:28 - A really sexy movie star? Yeah, okay, Miracle Max.
10:30 - Are we really watching a hologram of Bob Hope? No wait, I'm sorry, a hologram with a bad impersonation of Bob Hope?
10:32 - JUDE LAW DID YOU JUST BRING UP ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S 2000 ARREST? It's a good thing I know the two of you funny, handsome men are friends. And Jude, honey? There's a reason RDJ's on my list of Free Five and you're not.
10:33 - PS, I guessed Inception for this, but ... I think I lost count? (10 for 14)
10:35 - Wow, okay, they're just jumping into Best Editing. Okay, well, let's see what happens.
10:37 - Oh crap, it went to The Social Network. Oh god, it can't win Best Picture. Brad will be insufferable!
10:43 - Okay, I guess I remember this song. All I can remember about this movie is being so crazy thirsty but feeling guilty about drinking the ice cold water I had by my left elbow.
10:44 - I do have to listen to her sing "Coming Home" again. Cripe's sake ...
10:45 - I say again: where is the nomination for "Pimps Don't Cry"? Best song from a movie of last year, hands down.
- BEST ORIGINAL SONG. 11 for 16, Randy Newman and Toy Story 3.
10:48 - Randy Newman's actually funny - who knew? "I thank ya'll very much for this." That's so awesome.
10:51 - Best laugh of the night? Cameron and Mitchell from Modern Family complaining about the Oscar charades game. That was fantastic. It was also a COMMERCIAL and not part of the ACTUAL OSCAR TELECAST.
10:52 - DEATH REEL.
- God, I knew that Celine Dion was singing during the Death Reel, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
- Aww... that dude with the ... Tie Fighter? He's so happy!
10:54 - Oh God - I just realized - we haven't even gotten to the frickin' Governor's award and all that crap! I'm going to be awake forever.
11:01 - Anne Hathaway, are you wearing purple vinyl?!
- Did they just bring out Hilary Swank to rub it in Annette Bening's face? I totally hope so.
11:02 - Oh shit. Are they presenting Best Director already? SHIT THEY'RE PRESENTING BEST DIRECTOR ALREADY. Shut UP, Brad, don't call me, nothing's happened yet!
11:03 - HA!!! HA HA HA HA HA SHUT UP BRAD WHAT DID I - wait, we both lose. Dammit!
- However, this PROVES that I am right about The King's Speech winning Best Picture. Suck it, Brad!
11:06 - Annette Bening's dress makes her look like the Chrysler Building.
- Oh, Eli Wallach! He was in one of my favorite movies ever, How to Steal a Million!
11:12 - BEST ACTRESS. Oh, so now what we're doing, is instead of having five different people making testimonies, one person is making five testimonies? I call crap.
11:16 - Let's see how this goes. All right! Well-deserved, Natalie Portman!
- Annette Bening's giving the "I can't believe that just happened again" slow clap to Natalie Portman. Heh heh heh ...
11:19 - Well, if you say so, Anne. *drinks*
11:20 - BEST ACTOR. (where am I, 12 for 18? Yeah, that's right. I think.)
11:21 - God, I wish my head would stop hurting...
- Sandra Bullock just called Jeff Bridges the Dude. Awesome. I love her.
11:22 - THERE'S A QUARK IN MY BENDIT.
11:25 - Yay! Colin Firth wins! If I didn't have to be at work in about eleven hours, I'd stay up and watch Bridget Jones's Diary again.
11:28 - Aww... I can't help but feel anything but love for Colin Firth.
11:31 - Okay, here we go, the moment I've been waiting for - the moment before the moment that I can go to bed.
- I can never call it anything but Raging Bullshit. Never.
11:35 - I'm not sure how I feel about that montage. It was interesting ... but was it worth four minutes of airtime?
11:36 - And the Oscar goes to: the King's Speech. Stupid Tom Hooper. If David Fincher had won like I said he was going to, I'd be going to see Jane Eyre on Brad's dime. Dangit.