This love isn't going to last
And now, forthwith: Alaina's Fifth Annual Running Commentary to the 81st Academy Awards!
8:29 - Oh, Flexo. It is on.
8:33 - Really? You’re using an Oscar statuette as the numeral 1? Seems stupid.
---- - Wait - no long opening number? No crazy montage? I’m loving this already. Plus, Hugh Jackman! In a tux! With his Australian accent!
8:34 - Kate Winslet, what is that sticking out of your chest? Is that a bone? Lady, eat a sandwich.
8:36 - Okay, we had to pause it for a moment to read the crazy snow warning crawl. Apparently we're going to be receiving two inches of snow an hour from now till six o'clock. Lovely.
8:36 - I love the production values for Hugh’s big musical number! I would actually pay to see this on Broadway. But the pizza boxes need to come with it.
---- Is that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner in the front row? What did they do to deserve that? [Edited: No, it was not.]
8:37 - Hugh Jackman’s face on top of the tiny baby for the win! I'm loving his energy, I really am.
8:39 - Anne Hathaway pretending to be Nixon? THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT!! I want to see more actors and actresses taking themselves less seriously tonight. Be more like the drunk Oscars!
8:41 - Why are there so many references to Iron Man in Jackman's lyrics? Iron Man had, like four nominations. For Sound Mixing.
----- Best. Monologue. Ever. Billy Crystal, eat your fuckin’ heart out.
8:42 - Wow, Philip Seymour Hoffman, what the fuck are you wearing on your head?
8:43 - Mickey Roarke: Amelia and I both said at the same time: “Yick.” Then Amelia added, “WASH YOUR HAIR.”
8:44 - Oh, not a montage - you were doing so well! The show was moving along! And now we’re suscepted to this tripe? Where we watch montages of people winning Oscars? Bor-ring.
8:45 - Oh, it’s a multimedia montage. IT IS STILL LAME.
8:46 - How many Best Supporting Actress winners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amelia’s response: “how many best supporting actress winners does it take to pull back a curtain?”
8:47- Amelia: “Jesus Christ!”
Alaina: “It’s SWINTON. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.”
Amelia: “From the neck up, she’s a Robert Palmer video. From the neck down, she’s Lady Justice.”
8:48 - Best Supporting Actress Award
------ Amy Adams is already crying. “Oh, what is Goldie Hawn going to say about me? I can’t wait!”
8:49 - Thank you, Whoopi Goldberg, for giving some well-needed comic relief in this crappy tripe. Note to Oscar producers and Bill Condon: DON’T KEEP DOING THIS "LET'S TALK ABOUT THE NOMINEES" CRAP. THIS KIND OF SUCKS. SHOW CLIPS INSTEAD. IT’S QUICKER AND BETTER.
8:50 - What the frick does Goldie Hawn know about Benjamin Button? Seriously?
Amelia: Goldie. Honey. We need to talk about the boob line.
8:51 - WOO! PENELOPE CRUZ! 1 FOR 1, BABY! Also, Penelope? I want your dress.
8:54 - Kate Winslet’s inner monologue: “Oh, no, do I have to say something in Spanish? I didn't prepare for that...”
8:55 - I love Tom Colicchio. Diet Coke commercials ftw!
8:56 - OH MY GOD. OH - OH MY GOD. IT’S - IT’S TINA FEY AND STEVE MARTIN. PRESENTING FOR WRITING. I think I just had a nerdgasm.
8:57 - Dear Steve Martin. I want to have your babies. Please get back to me as soon as possible. And never let Andy Samberg write for you again. Love, Alaina.
8:58 - Best Original Screeplay
------ Dear academy: THANK YOU OH MY GOD for reading parts of the screenplays again. Was that so much to freakin’ ask? Remember, there was a strike for that stuff last year.
8:59 - Amelia and I take a short break, for she has found Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Abridged Version. Be right back.
9:03 - Amelia: “That was kinda awesome.”
Alaina: “Kinda awesome? That should be on the Oscars!”
------ And now, we return to our regularly scheduled program. Also, God bless TiVo.
9:06 - WOO! DUSTIN LANCE BLACK! I AM 2 FOR 2, BABY!
9:07 - I want to set Thomas up with Dustin Lance Black, because he’s cute and awesome. Oh my God, I want to hug this man!!
9:08 - Best Adapted Screenplay
9:10 - THREE FOR THREE I AM ON A FUCKIN’ ROLL! Simon Beaufoy, for Slumdog Millionaire!
9:11 - Amelia: [Laugh]
Me: What?
Amelia: You know how you said something about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s head?
Me: Yeah?
Amelia: Well, TMZ posted a picture: “What would happen if Jay and Silent Bob had a love child.”
9:12 - Jennifer Aniston - what are you doing with Jack Black, and why are you dressed as the Doppler Effect? As Amelia continues, “A sparkly, shiny Doppler effect? I didn’t know that Dopplers could tell you if the object was shiny.” Secondly, aww… you’re presenting Best Animated Film. How the not-that-mighty have fallen.
9:14 - Uh, Jennifer? The Iron Giant was ten years ago. Dude.
9:15 - What? A yearbook? Is the back completely filled in with “Have a nice summer”? Because you know what that means - that means that no one liked you, Oscar Ceremony.
9:16 --Oh, thank God, I can fast-forward through this crap. Again, TiVo? Bless.
--- Best Animated Feature. Do I even need to write 4 for 4? Because I CAN.
9:18 - Jennifer Aniston does not know what’s going on. It’s kind of sad. And WHAT’S with the quick cutaway to Brad and Angie? LET IT GO, HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY.
9:19 - Best Animated Short
9:20 - Awwww, man! I was wrong! 4 for 5. I got cocky, that’s why Presto didn’t win.
9:21 - Daniel Craig! In a tuxedo! With pants of adequate length. Hey! Camera! I don’t want to see those sketches! When Daniel Craig is on stage, HE IS THE ONLY THING WE NEED TO BE LOOKING AT. GO BACK! Seriously, go back to Daniel Craig. And someone shut Sarah Jessica Parker up, please?
9:22 - Best Art Direction
9:23 - Benjamin Button wins. Damn. I wish now I hadn’t been so tired when I made my predictions. 4 for 6.
9:24 - Costume Design
------ Daniel Craig: Cut: How does the fit of a suit reflect the character who doesn’t care much how his suit fits?
Amelia: Gee, I don’t know, this coming from the guy who CLEARLY DID NOT GET PANTS THE RIGHT LENGTH IN THAT MOVIE! YOU’RE NOT THAT TALL, YOU COULDN’T AFFORD THE EXTRA TWO INCHES? IT'S A BOND MOVIE, THEY HAVE MORE MONEY THAN GOD! JESUS CHRIST!
Alaina: And I thought I was the loud one...
9:26 - Wow, the Hoop Skirt rule actually works. The Duchess takes it, making me now 4 for 7.
9:27 - Oh my God, Boris the Mechanic has won award for Duchess. Makes good hoop skirts. Need more feather in hat. Dis is felt, not velvet! I said velvet! And where is whalebone for corset? Do I need give you harpoon to get whale for whalebone?!
9:28 - Oh, he’s British. This is what I get for fast-forwarding through speeches.
9:29 - Best Makeup, and I win again! Benjamin Button takes it, as I said it would. 5 for 8.
9:30 - LILLY KANE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE WITH THAT STUPID BAD NON-VAMPIRE! GET AWAY FROM HIM! YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO TALK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES AND YOU WILL FALL DOWN A LOT. GET. DOWN.
9:31 - Holy crap, most awkward dialogue ever.
9:32 - What song is this playing in the background? Oh, it’s "Lovers in Japan"! Yay for Coldplay. Seriously, High School Musical? Really? And aww, Michael Cera!
9:33 - STOP SHOWING TWILIGHT OH MY GOD BUT THEN YOU SHOWED TWO BOYS KISSING AND YAY BUT THEN THEREW AS DAMN YOU KATHERINE HEIGL YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!
9:34 - I like this whole theme of moving through the process of film making through the awards. It’s very interesting, and it’s making the awards go really fast.
9:35 - BEN STILLER. I AM HAVING A MOMENT WHERE I WANT TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX. I LOVE YOU. CALL ME!
9:37 - Natalie Portman’s boobs are blinking at me. Those are very oddly placed sequins.
9:38 - CAMERA DUDES. If people are laughing at something in the audience, SHOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE IS LAUGHING AT.
9:39 - Best Cinematography. Slumdog Millionaire takes it, so I’m 5 for 9.
9:41 - Jessica Biel Timberlake! Your dress threw up all over you! And your acting hasn’t gotten better since last year. And you will never be any better than hosting the Sci-Tech awards. Hope you and Justin stay together, because he’ll be the one supporting you.
9:43 - Yay Comedy!
9:44 - And I ask: why the frick didn’t James Franco get nominated for Milk? He’s awesome! Someone had better nominate him for something soon.
9:45 - This sketch is the most surreal bit. It’s awesome. I want to marry this sketch and have its babies.
9:46 - Nice tux, Seth Rogen. It is velvet! Not felt! And I love that other dude they’re with! Suck it, indeed!
9:47 - Best Live Action Short - I did not actually predict this one, so this will count neither for nor against my winnings. It’s the Free Square on this year’s Bingo card.
9:48 - Aw man, now I want to make Bingo Cards for next year.
9:52 - I’m not worrying about the suit, Hugh Jackman. I’m wondering about the large chrysanthemum on your lapel.
9:53 - Oh, how I wish I could fast-forward. Also, Beyonce, that should have been a full skirt, because it looks like you’re wearing an extravagant, besequined red merkin.
9:54 - DAMN YOU, GREASE! I CAN’T ESCAPE!
Amelia: “I’m sorry, if you’re going to do this crap, you have to do Rocky Horror.”
9:55 - Seriously? I have so many problems with this musical faux-montage, that I’m going to have to post an ASTERISK.
9:56 - “Mamma Mia” with the marching band, however? Is AWESOME.
10:01 - Best Supporting Actor. Poor Heath Ledger. I’m sure he’s looking down right now, wishing he was there. So, who are going to be the five people? Christopher walken, Kevin Kline, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alan Arkin, and Joel Grey. YES! JERRY MAGUIRE REFERENCE!
Amelia: I wonder how many times Cuba took the call: “No, really, we are calling from the Academy, and yes, we want you to present.”
10:03 - Please let Kevin Kline talk to Robert Downey Jr. No, wait, they’re going to make Cuba talk to Robert Downey Jr., because he’s black. Also, can I just say, with no chance of retribution, that this entire thing with the multiple presenters needs more cowbell.
10:05 - Was I right, or was I right? I still really want to see that scene. And Cuba Gooding Jr.? There’s a VHS copy of Jerry Maguire on your car. You were double-parked and also, you're kind of a pissy bitch.
10:08 - Thank you, Academy, for not being an idiot. Heath, God bless you. 6 for 10.
10:09 - Kate Winslet’s inner monologue: “If I turn my head just so, do I have a Julie Andrews-esque look? That means I’ll win, right?”
10:13 - Best Documentary Feature. Bill Mahar? Oh, right.
Amelia: “He has lost so much weight that now he’s just a huge head on a stick. And he’s so wee, that it doesn’t help.”
10:14 - Just present the award, Bill, and shut up.
10:15 - And the winner is… Man on Wire, so I’m up to 7 for 11.
10:16 - That dude is BALANCING AN OSCAR ON HIS CHIN!
------ Best Documentary Short Subject. This is another category I did not predict; it will count neither for nor against me, and it will not be included in the total amount of categories.
10:23 - Tom Cruise in the Jimmy Kimmel Live commercial: “I don’t have a cat.” AWESOME. You will not receive a copy of Jerry Maguire, because that was hilarious. At least, not for that.
10:24 - What is this song? Because I wants it. And thank you for giving me more Daniel Craig. (Later: It's the Hives, "Tick Tick Boom"). For using the Hives, this telecast has gone up slightly in awesomeness.
10:26 - Yeah, you keep talking about how many awesome fans your action movies get, Will Smith, because how many people actually saw Seven Pounds? Let that be a lesson to you.
10:27 - HOW DARE THE POWER GO OUT DURING THE OSCARS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
10:29 - Dear Power: CUT THIS SHIT OUT. THANK YOU.
10:30 - Best Sound Editing apparently went to The Dark Knight. That makes me 7 for 12, because I voted for WALL-E.
------- Best Sound Mixing. Slumdog Millionaire? Wow. That’s very impressive. I like that. However, I am now 7 for 13.
10:33 - Why is Hugh Jackman napping? Because dudes, he hasn’t really been onscreen that much.
10:34 - Best Editing. Slumdog Millionaire for my 8th correct guess! 8 for 14! (And it’s a very good sign for my Director and Picture predictions as well.)
10:36 - Hey! While the power was out, Benjamin Button won Best Visual Effects, so I’m 9 for 15! WOO HOO!
10:41 - And we’re at the special tribute to Jerry Lewis. I’m going to go write the “Alaina’s Always Right” Song. Be back when it gets interesting.
10:50 - MICHAEL GIACCHINO! I love him! I love him to little bits! (He was the composer for Alias, Lost, and The Incredibles.)
10:53 - Best Original Score. “Please welcome Zac Efron and Alicia Keys.” What?!
10:54 - The winner is Slumdog Millionaire, so I’m 9 for 16. I’m still (slightly) better than 50%, and I have a feeling I’m going to pull ahead as the night goes on. But hey, thank you for not letting Zac Efron talk too much.
10:55 - Aaaaand, now you let him talk. Damn you, Katherine Heigl!
10:56 - Best Original Song. A.R. Rahman is singing! That’s awesome!
10:57 - Peter Gabriel didn’t want to perform his 65 seconds of “Down to Earth,” so they called John Legend! That’s awesome! Now sing “Nutmeg”!
11:00 - Seriously? They’re mashing “Jai Ho” and “Down to Earth”? That’s stupid. Move off.
11:01 - “Jai Ho” wins, so I am now 10 for 17.
11:06 - Oh, Frida Pinto, no! What is that sleeve thing?
11:06 - Best Foreign Language Film. Oh, look, the Academy is still using actors of foreign descent to present this award. No, seriously, next year, I want to see Stephen Colbert presenting this award. Cut this shit out.
11:07 - Whoa! Departures from Japan takes this one, not Waltz With Banshir. I don’t think anyone was expecting that! Very humbly accepting that I am now 10 for 18.
11:11 - Why? Why are we meeting Queen Latifah? Oh, right, Death Reel. Paul Newman for the win - er, loss. Sorry. That was callous. Paul Newman will be last, is what I meant to say.
----- Queen Latifay, you’re not going to sing, are you-- dammit. Guys - MOMENT OF SILENCE.
11:12 - WE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE PEOPLE THAT WE LOST. WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING QUEEN LATIFAH DURING THIS. EPIC FAIL, ACADEMY. EPIC. FAIL. LIKE, TWILIGHT FAIL.
11:15 - THANK YOU.
11:18 - Dear Sid Gannis: I love your present. I appreciate your not giving me a speech.
11:20 - Best Director. When Reese Witherspoon came out, I thought she was doing Best Actress. Damn you, Reese!
11:20 - Danny Boyle wins for Slumdog Millionaire. 11 for 19! I will say that tonight’s show is much better than last year’s (no slam on you, Jon Stewart, it’s a slam on last year’s director).
11:24 - I hope that that last bit about the people in Mumbai included his Assistant Director in India, because dudes, that would blow if he didn’t.
11:25 - Best Actress. I'm going to move from the couch to the middle of the room so that I don't kick my laptop over in either agony and/or ecstasy.
11:34 - Okay, I am no longer in danger of tipping over my laptop in ecstasy. Thank Jeebus, praise God, Kate Winslet won, and not only does that make me 12 for 20, but now Flexo will be required to sing a song of my choice extolling the fact that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.
11:42 - I am clearly getting tired and bored and just want this to end as we go into the Best Actor category.
11:43 - Yes! I’m right again, I’m right again! Sean Penn’s win for Milk puts me at 13 for 21. I think I can go ahead and call Slumdog as Best Picture, making me 14 for 22.
11:46 - Wow, Sean Penn. You and your diatribes. I wish you had written that down, because you were kind of all over the place. And while I am staunchly for gay marriage, do you really think that the people who voted for Prop 8 are watching the Oscars? And that they’ll change their minds because you ask them to?
11:53 - Three hours and twenty-three minutes later, Slumdog Millionaire takes Best Picture. All of the categories I had set out to get right, I did, and my final total is 14 for 22. Next year I will remember the Hoop Skirt Clause. Next year I will truly study the difference between Art Direction and Cinematography, and next year I will be better. But for this year? I just need to choose which song I get to change the lyrics to so that Flexo can serenade the store with the fact that I’M ALWAYS RIGHT.
Thank you and goodnight, and congratulations to all the winners! I’ll be here next year; same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel.
ASTERISK. First, “Lady Marmalade” was repurposed for Moulin Rouge, but that does not mean it should be part of a musical montage. Secondly, the fact that you’re including High School Musical and NOT Rocky Horror Picture Show pisses me off beyond belief. Thirdly, BEYONCE. STOP SINGING “AT LAST.” YOU WERE ALLOWED TO DO THAT FOR OBAMA, BUT ONCE ETTA JAMES SAID THAT SHE HATES YOU, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SING THAT FUCKING SONG. STEP OFF, SASHA FIERCE.
8:29 - Oh, Flexo. It is on.
8:33 - Really? You’re using an Oscar statuette as the numeral 1? Seems stupid.
---- - Wait - no long opening number? No crazy montage? I’m loving this already. Plus, Hugh Jackman! In a tux! With his Australian accent!
8:34 - Kate Winslet, what is that sticking out of your chest? Is that a bone? Lady, eat a sandwich.
8:36 - Okay, we had to pause it for a moment to read the crazy snow warning crawl. Apparently we're going to be receiving two inches of snow an hour from now till six o'clock. Lovely.
8:36 - I love the production values for Hugh’s big musical number! I would actually pay to see this on Broadway. But the pizza boxes need to come with it.
---- Is that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner in the front row? What did they do to deserve that? [Edited: No, it was not.]
8:37 - Hugh Jackman’s face on top of the tiny baby for the win! I'm loving his energy, I really am.
8:39 - Anne Hathaway pretending to be Nixon? THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT!! I want to see more actors and actresses taking themselves less seriously tonight. Be more like the drunk Oscars!
8:41 - Why are there so many references to Iron Man in Jackman's lyrics? Iron Man had, like four nominations. For Sound Mixing.
----- Best. Monologue. Ever. Billy Crystal, eat your fuckin’ heart out.
8:42 - Wow, Philip Seymour Hoffman, what the fuck are you wearing on your head?
8:43 - Mickey Roarke: Amelia and I both said at the same time: “Yick.” Then Amelia added, “WASH YOUR HAIR.”
8:44 - Oh, not a montage - you were doing so well! The show was moving along! And now we’re suscepted to this tripe? Where we watch montages of people winning Oscars? Bor-ring.
8:45 - Oh, it’s a multimedia montage. IT IS STILL LAME.
8:46 - How many Best Supporting Actress winners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amelia’s response: “how many best supporting actress winners does it take to pull back a curtain?”
8:47- Amelia: “Jesus Christ!”
Alaina: “It’s SWINTON. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.”
Amelia: “From the neck up, she’s a Robert Palmer video. From the neck down, she’s Lady Justice.”
8:48 - Best Supporting Actress Award
------ Amy Adams is already crying. “Oh, what is Goldie Hawn going to say about me? I can’t wait!”
8:49 - Thank you, Whoopi Goldberg, for giving some well-needed comic relief in this crappy tripe. Note to Oscar producers and Bill Condon: DON’T KEEP DOING THIS "LET'S TALK ABOUT THE NOMINEES" CRAP. THIS KIND OF SUCKS. SHOW CLIPS INSTEAD. IT’S QUICKER AND BETTER.
8:50 - What the frick does Goldie Hawn know about Benjamin Button? Seriously?
Amelia: Goldie. Honey. We need to talk about the boob line.
8:51 - WOO! PENELOPE CRUZ! 1 FOR 1, BABY! Also, Penelope? I want your dress.
8:54 - Kate Winslet’s inner monologue: “Oh, no, do I have to say something in Spanish? I didn't prepare for that...”
8:55 - I love Tom Colicchio. Diet Coke commercials ftw!
8:56 - OH MY GOD. OH - OH MY GOD. IT’S - IT’S TINA FEY AND STEVE MARTIN. PRESENTING FOR WRITING. I think I just had a nerdgasm.
8:57 - Dear Steve Martin. I want to have your babies. Please get back to me as soon as possible. And never let Andy Samberg write for you again. Love, Alaina.
8:58 - Best Original Screeplay
------ Dear academy: THANK YOU OH MY GOD for reading parts of the screenplays again. Was that so much to freakin’ ask? Remember, there was a strike for that stuff last year.
8:59 - Amelia and I take a short break, for she has found Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Abridged Version. Be right back.
9:03 - Amelia: “That was kinda awesome.”
Alaina: “Kinda awesome? That should be on the Oscars!”
------ And now, we return to our regularly scheduled program. Also, God bless TiVo.
9:06 - WOO! DUSTIN LANCE BLACK! I AM 2 FOR 2, BABY!
9:07 - I want to set Thomas up with Dustin Lance Black, because he’s cute and awesome. Oh my God, I want to hug this man!!
9:08 - Best Adapted Screenplay
9:10 - THREE FOR THREE I AM ON A FUCKIN’ ROLL! Simon Beaufoy, for Slumdog Millionaire!
9:11 - Amelia: [Laugh]
Me: What?
Amelia: You know how you said something about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s head?
Me: Yeah?
Amelia: Well, TMZ posted a picture: “What would happen if Jay and Silent Bob had a love child.”
9:12 - Jennifer Aniston - what are you doing with Jack Black, and why are you dressed as the Doppler Effect? As Amelia continues, “A sparkly, shiny Doppler effect? I didn’t know that Dopplers could tell you if the object was shiny.” Secondly, aww… you’re presenting Best Animated Film. How the not-that-mighty have fallen.
9:14 - Uh, Jennifer? The Iron Giant was ten years ago. Dude.
9:15 - What? A yearbook? Is the back completely filled in with “Have a nice summer”? Because you know what that means - that means that no one liked you, Oscar Ceremony.
9:16 --Oh, thank God, I can fast-forward through this crap. Again, TiVo? Bless.
--- Best Animated Feature. Do I even need to write 4 for 4? Because I CAN.
9:18 - Jennifer Aniston does not know what’s going on. It’s kind of sad. And WHAT’S with the quick cutaway to Brad and Angie? LET IT GO, HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY.
9:19 - Best Animated Short
9:20 - Awwww, man! I was wrong! 4 for 5. I got cocky, that’s why Presto didn’t win.
9:21 - Daniel Craig! In a tuxedo! With pants of adequate length. Hey! Camera! I don’t want to see those sketches! When Daniel Craig is on stage, HE IS THE ONLY THING WE NEED TO BE LOOKING AT. GO BACK! Seriously, go back to Daniel Craig. And someone shut Sarah Jessica Parker up, please?
9:22 - Best Art Direction
9:23 - Benjamin Button wins. Damn. I wish now I hadn’t been so tired when I made my predictions. 4 for 6.
9:24 - Costume Design
------ Daniel Craig: Cut: How does the fit of a suit reflect the character who doesn’t care much how his suit fits?
Amelia: Gee, I don’t know, this coming from the guy who CLEARLY DID NOT GET PANTS THE RIGHT LENGTH IN THAT MOVIE! YOU’RE NOT THAT TALL, YOU COULDN’T AFFORD THE EXTRA TWO INCHES? IT'S A BOND MOVIE, THEY HAVE MORE MONEY THAN GOD! JESUS CHRIST!
Alaina: And I thought I was the loud one...
9:26 - Wow, the Hoop Skirt rule actually works. The Duchess takes it, making me now 4 for 7.
9:27 - Oh my God, Boris the Mechanic has won award for Duchess. Makes good hoop skirts. Need more feather in hat. Dis is felt, not velvet! I said velvet! And where is whalebone for corset? Do I need give you harpoon to get whale for whalebone?!
9:28 - Oh, he’s British. This is what I get for fast-forwarding through speeches.
9:29 - Best Makeup, and I win again! Benjamin Button takes it, as I said it would. 5 for 8.
9:30 - LILLY KANE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE WITH THAT STUPID BAD NON-VAMPIRE! GET AWAY FROM HIM! YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO TALK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES AND YOU WILL FALL DOWN A LOT. GET. DOWN.
9:31 - Holy crap, most awkward dialogue ever.
9:32 - What song is this playing in the background? Oh, it’s "Lovers in Japan"! Yay for Coldplay. Seriously, High School Musical? Really? And aww, Michael Cera!
9:33 - STOP SHOWING TWILIGHT OH MY GOD BUT THEN YOU SHOWED TWO BOYS KISSING AND YAY BUT THEN THEREW AS DAMN YOU KATHERINE HEIGL YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!
9:34 - I like this whole theme of moving through the process of film making through the awards. It’s very interesting, and it’s making the awards go really fast.
9:35 - BEN STILLER. I AM HAVING A MOMENT WHERE I WANT TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX. I LOVE YOU. CALL ME!
9:37 - Natalie Portman’s boobs are blinking at me. Those are very oddly placed sequins.
9:38 - CAMERA DUDES. If people are laughing at something in the audience, SHOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE IS LAUGHING AT.
9:39 - Best Cinematography. Slumdog Millionaire takes it, so I’m 5 for 9.
9:41 - Jessica Biel Timberlake! Your dress threw up all over you! And your acting hasn’t gotten better since last year. And you will never be any better than hosting the Sci-Tech awards. Hope you and Justin stay together, because he’ll be the one supporting you.
9:43 - Yay Comedy!
9:44 - And I ask: why the frick didn’t James Franco get nominated for Milk? He’s awesome! Someone had better nominate him for something soon.
9:45 - This sketch is the most surreal bit. It’s awesome. I want to marry this sketch and have its babies.
9:46 - Nice tux, Seth Rogen. It is velvet! Not felt! And I love that other dude they’re with! Suck it, indeed!
9:47 - Best Live Action Short - I did not actually predict this one, so this will count neither for nor against my winnings. It’s the Free Square on this year’s Bingo card.
9:48 - Aw man, now I want to make Bingo Cards for next year.
9:52 - I’m not worrying about the suit, Hugh Jackman. I’m wondering about the large chrysanthemum on your lapel.
9:53 - Oh, how I wish I could fast-forward. Also, Beyonce, that should have been a full skirt, because it looks like you’re wearing an extravagant, besequined red merkin.
9:54 - DAMN YOU, GREASE! I CAN’T ESCAPE!
Amelia: “I’m sorry, if you’re going to do this crap, you have to do Rocky Horror.”
9:55 - Seriously? I have so many problems with this musical faux-montage, that I’m going to have to post an ASTERISK.
9:56 - “Mamma Mia” with the marching band, however? Is AWESOME.
10:01 - Best Supporting Actor. Poor Heath Ledger. I’m sure he’s looking down right now, wishing he was there. So, who are going to be the five people? Christopher walken, Kevin Kline, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alan Arkin, and Joel Grey. YES! JERRY MAGUIRE REFERENCE!
Amelia: I wonder how many times Cuba took the call: “No, really, we are calling from the Academy, and yes, we want you to present.”
10:03 - Please let Kevin Kline talk to Robert Downey Jr. No, wait, they’re going to make Cuba talk to Robert Downey Jr., because he’s black. Also, can I just say, with no chance of retribution, that this entire thing with the multiple presenters needs more cowbell.
10:05 - Was I right, or was I right? I still really want to see that scene. And Cuba Gooding Jr.? There’s a VHS copy of Jerry Maguire on your car. You were double-parked and also, you're kind of a pissy bitch.
10:08 - Thank you, Academy, for not being an idiot. Heath, God bless you. 6 for 10.
10:09 - Kate Winslet’s inner monologue: “If I turn my head just so, do I have a Julie Andrews-esque look? That means I’ll win, right?”
10:13 - Best Documentary Feature. Bill Mahar? Oh, right.
Amelia: “He has lost so much weight that now he’s just a huge head on a stick. And he’s so wee, that it doesn’t help.”
10:14 - Just present the award, Bill, and shut up.
10:15 - And the winner is… Man on Wire, so I’m up to 7 for 11.
10:16 - That dude is BALANCING AN OSCAR ON HIS CHIN!
------ Best Documentary Short Subject. This is another category I did not predict; it will count neither for nor against me, and it will not be included in the total amount of categories.
10:23 - Tom Cruise in the Jimmy Kimmel Live commercial: “I don’t have a cat.” AWESOME. You will not receive a copy of Jerry Maguire, because that was hilarious. At least, not for that.
10:24 - What is this song? Because I wants it. And thank you for giving me more Daniel Craig. (Later: It's the Hives, "Tick Tick Boom"). For using the Hives, this telecast has gone up slightly in awesomeness.
10:26 - Yeah, you keep talking about how many awesome fans your action movies get, Will Smith, because how many people actually saw Seven Pounds? Let that be a lesson to you.
10:27 - HOW DARE THE POWER GO OUT DURING THE OSCARS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
10:29 - Dear Power: CUT THIS SHIT OUT. THANK YOU.
10:30 - Best Sound Editing apparently went to The Dark Knight. That makes me 7 for 12, because I voted for WALL-E.
------- Best Sound Mixing. Slumdog Millionaire? Wow. That’s very impressive. I like that. However, I am now 7 for 13.
10:33 - Why is Hugh Jackman napping? Because dudes, he hasn’t really been onscreen that much.
10:34 - Best Editing. Slumdog Millionaire for my 8th correct guess! 8 for 14! (And it’s a very good sign for my Director and Picture predictions as well.)
10:36 - Hey! While the power was out, Benjamin Button won Best Visual Effects, so I’m 9 for 15! WOO HOO!
10:41 - And we’re at the special tribute to Jerry Lewis. I’m going to go write the “Alaina’s Always Right” Song. Be back when it gets interesting.
10:50 - MICHAEL GIACCHINO! I love him! I love him to little bits! (He was the composer for Alias, Lost, and The Incredibles.)
10:53 - Best Original Score. “Please welcome Zac Efron and Alicia Keys.” What?!
10:54 - The winner is Slumdog Millionaire, so I’m 9 for 16. I’m still (slightly) better than 50%, and I have a feeling I’m going to pull ahead as the night goes on. But hey, thank you for not letting Zac Efron talk too much.
10:55 - Aaaaand, now you let him talk. Damn you, Katherine Heigl!
10:56 - Best Original Song. A.R. Rahman is singing! That’s awesome!
10:57 - Peter Gabriel didn’t want to perform his 65 seconds of “Down to Earth,” so they called John Legend! That’s awesome! Now sing “Nutmeg”!
11:00 - Seriously? They’re mashing “Jai Ho” and “Down to Earth”? That’s stupid. Move off.
11:01 - “Jai Ho” wins, so I am now 10 for 17.
11:06 - Oh, Frida Pinto, no! What is that sleeve thing?
11:06 - Best Foreign Language Film. Oh, look, the Academy is still using actors of foreign descent to present this award. No, seriously, next year, I want to see Stephen Colbert presenting this award. Cut this shit out.
11:07 - Whoa! Departures from Japan takes this one, not Waltz With Banshir. I don’t think anyone was expecting that! Very humbly accepting that I am now 10 for 18.
11:11 - Why? Why are we meeting Queen Latifah? Oh, right, Death Reel. Paul Newman for the win - er, loss. Sorry. That was callous. Paul Newman will be last, is what I meant to say.
----- Queen Latifay, you’re not going to sing, are you-- dammit. Guys - MOMENT OF SILENCE.
11:12 - WE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE PEOPLE THAT WE LOST. WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING QUEEN LATIFAH DURING THIS. EPIC FAIL, ACADEMY. EPIC. FAIL. LIKE, TWILIGHT FAIL.
11:15 - THANK YOU.
11:18 - Dear Sid Gannis: I love your present. I appreciate your not giving me a speech.
11:20 - Best Director. When Reese Witherspoon came out, I thought she was doing Best Actress. Damn you, Reese!
11:20 - Danny Boyle wins for Slumdog Millionaire. 11 for 19! I will say that tonight’s show is much better than last year’s (no slam on you, Jon Stewart, it’s a slam on last year’s director).
11:24 - I hope that that last bit about the people in Mumbai included his Assistant Director in India, because dudes, that would blow if he didn’t.
11:25 - Best Actress. I'm going to move from the couch to the middle of the room so that I don't kick my laptop over in either agony and/or ecstasy.
11:34 - Okay, I am no longer in danger of tipping over my laptop in ecstasy. Thank Jeebus, praise God, Kate Winslet won, and not only does that make me 12 for 20, but now Flexo will be required to sing a song of my choice extolling the fact that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.
11:42 - I am clearly getting tired and bored and just want this to end as we go into the Best Actor category.
11:43 - Yes! I’m right again, I’m right again! Sean Penn’s win for Milk puts me at 13 for 21. I think I can go ahead and call Slumdog as Best Picture, making me 14 for 22.
11:46 - Wow, Sean Penn. You and your diatribes. I wish you had written that down, because you were kind of all over the place. And while I am staunchly for gay marriage, do you really think that the people who voted for Prop 8 are watching the Oscars? And that they’ll change their minds because you ask them to?
11:53 - Three hours and twenty-three minutes later, Slumdog Millionaire takes Best Picture. All of the categories I had set out to get right, I did, and my final total is 14 for 22. Next year I will remember the Hoop Skirt Clause. Next year I will truly study the difference between Art Direction and Cinematography, and next year I will be better. But for this year? I just need to choose which song I get to change the lyrics to so that Flexo can serenade the store with the fact that I’M ALWAYS RIGHT.
Thank you and goodnight, and congratulations to all the winners! I’ll be here next year; same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel.
ASTERISK. First, “Lady Marmalade” was repurposed for Moulin Rouge, but that does not mean it should be part of a musical montage. Secondly, the fact that you’re including High School Musical and NOT Rocky Horror Picture Show pisses me off beyond belief. Thirdly, BEYONCE. STOP SINGING “AT LAST.” YOU WERE ALLOWED TO DO THAT FOR OBAMA, BUT ONCE ETTA JAMES SAID THAT SHE HATES YOU, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SING THAT FUCKING SONG. STEP OFF, SASHA FIERCE.