I thought I outgrew this shit...
Ever have a day where you just wanna hit the undo key?
I need a method of release...
I need to stop investing myself in stupid things...
I need to be less fucking needy.
I don't fit in here or there or anywhere and I just....
I wish I could say I want things to go back to the way they were but I don't because they were so bad before...I don't even have a wish to make.
I keep telling myself,
"Just breathe and you'll get through the day."
"Nobody else is going to do it for you."
I do better with low standards, but at some point in life there needs to be a standard for something. Looking at my life I can't even think of one thing that's up to par and I'm not sure I have the capacity for change. When you look at me now, and me even as long as 10 years ago...there just isn't as much difference as there should be, and...
I've always liked who I am...
But...
I've always hated it too.
Should I want to change? And if I did, would I be able to?
I miss Jessica...and Ben...oh God, I miss them so much I just...can't...
As always, I wish I had something to pour myself into.
The only other option is to slowly leak out...
My soul is a Brita Filter, or something.
Hey, maybe I can do this college writing thing after all. That was pretentious enough.
Thinking about it now...
I can't remember the last time I've written anything
I've rushed to produce material for deadlines.
I've fantasized and analyzed characters.
I've bled onto empty webpages.
But I don't feel like I've written anything...
I wish I could still believe that writing was magic and would solve things for me. I feel like I probably believed this, once.
I need to stop abusing the enter key.
I need to take a trip, I need to see nothing but the empty highway in front of me and sing along to a CD and stop for fries...
And is it so much if I want someone there next to me...? Someone who won't switch to the hip-hop station and make innuendo the whole way there.
I just feel...isolated. I'm such a coward...afraid to get involved with people because I know they'll end up disappointing me somehow.
And somehow, they never prove me wrong...
It's not just with people, I do the same thing with everything else...
Isolated and cowardly and lazy and every time you try to do something it fails. I...should I be less hard on myself?
But I can't remember the last thing I felt I really succeeded at...
Maybe that's the difference between me and these people. They're not failures...
I know! I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but...!
I just feel really alone tonight. I'm usually so good at thinking of things to make me feel better...
Persona is bullshit. Accepting how much you hate yourself doesn't help at all. If anything it just makes you feel like giving up.
Even after I waited until I felt a little better, I just kept getting drawn back in. I guess it's just one of those kinds of nights.
Maybe I should focus on the real world for a little.
I'm sorry for posting this, but I feel like if I just deleted it it would be the wrong move for me.... Please pardon the general wangst of this journal. I'll try to write something fun next time, okay...?
[sigh]
I need a method of release...
I need to stop investing myself in stupid things...
I need to be less fucking needy.
I don't fit in here or there or anywhere and I just....
I wish I could say I want things to go back to the way they were but I don't because they were so bad before...I don't even have a wish to make.
I keep telling myself,
"Just breathe and you'll get through the day."
"Nobody else is going to do it for you."
I do better with low standards, but at some point in life there needs to be a standard for something. Looking at my life I can't even think of one thing that's up to par and I'm not sure I have the capacity for change. When you look at me now, and me even as long as 10 years ago...there just isn't as much difference as there should be, and...
I've always liked who I am...
But...
I've always hated it too.
Should I want to change? And if I did, would I be able to?
I miss Jessica...and Ben...oh God, I miss them so much I just...can't...
As always, I wish I had something to pour myself into.
The only other option is to slowly leak out...
My soul is a Brita Filter, or something.
Hey, maybe I can do this college writing thing after all. That was pretentious enough.
Thinking about it now...
I can't remember the last time I've written anything
I've rushed to produce material for deadlines.
I've fantasized and analyzed characters.
I've bled onto empty webpages.
But I don't feel like I've written anything...
I wish I could still believe that writing was magic and would solve things for me. I feel like I probably believed this, once.
I need to stop abusing the enter key.
I need to take a trip, I need to see nothing but the empty highway in front of me and sing along to a CD and stop for fries...
And is it so much if I want someone there next to me...? Someone who won't switch to the hip-hop station and make innuendo the whole way there.
I just feel...isolated. I'm such a coward...afraid to get involved with people because I know they'll end up disappointing me somehow.
And somehow, they never prove me wrong...
It's not just with people, I do the same thing with everything else...
Isolated and cowardly and lazy and every time you try to do something it fails. I...should I be less hard on myself?
But I can't remember the last thing I felt I really succeeded at...
Maybe that's the difference between me and these people. They're not failures...
I know! I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but...!
I just feel really alone tonight. I'm usually so good at thinking of things to make me feel better...
Persona is bullshit. Accepting how much you hate yourself doesn't help at all. If anything it just makes you feel like giving up.
Even after I waited until I felt a little better, I just kept getting drawn back in. I guess it's just one of those kinds of nights.
Maybe I should focus on the real world for a little.
I'm sorry for posting this, but I feel like if I just deleted it it would be the wrong move for me.... Please pardon the general wangst of this journal. I'll try to write something fun next time, okay...?
[sigh]