What I tell Myself...
Lately, I've been having numerous conversations with many of my friends and learning that many are momentarily depressed, upset, hurt, lost, aimless or afflicted with various other maladies that are common to modern day living where endless consumerism, materialism and the infernal rat-race leaves one feeling disconnected from themselves and the people around them.
Always during these conversations, they always ask me what makes one the happiest person they yearn to be. They want to understand what makes one wakes up every day with a huge grin on the face and what makes one leaps out of bed and yell to the very heavens that it's a great day to be alive.
It's always hard to answer these questions in a direct manner as it's a unique journey for each one of us and it's only through an active search that I believe can you discover happiness in its unbiased form.
It cannot be taught or read about in a book or disseminated through in a lecture by well-meaning life coaches who never really solve anything or provide meaning that sticks - it is and will always be a personal journey, exquisitely tailored to the wonderful and special person that you know you are and could be.
However, while it cannot be taught, I do believe that one always learns from the journeys of others. In this regard, I never really read self-help books from people who’ve never walked the walk but learn from the biographies of lives led well with meaning and purpose. You learn more about the value of living a life well from Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom than an entire bookstore of self-development books from the latest and greatest.
I’ve had an amazing journey the last six months as I’ve travelled (not necessary out of the country. Its a journey wherever one is) and allowed myself the full expression of my talents and abilities - both latent and overt. I’m only beginning the real journey of what I want my life to mean and stand for but already I’ve personally witnessed the impact of what a joyous and wonderful thing it is to allow yourself to be all that you can be.
These are the lessons I’ve learnt the last year or so.
Living in the moment and being present
The first and probably the most important thing I’ve learnt was how to be present and to be able to live in the moment. When I was first introduced to this philosophy and concept by my mentor and dear friend, I wasn’t equipped with the emotional maturity to really understand what these esoteric precepts meant. I approached these concepts from an intellectual perspective and not surprisingly, didn’t get anywhere. I was coming at it from an entirely wrong direction.
What is this really?
Being present in the moment is a beautiful thing. This is what I’ve gained; deeper and fuller relationships with my friends and loved ones, an ability to really feel authentic joy and exuberance from just being alive, a tranquility and calmness of mind to tackle any task put before me with relative ease, finally letting go of the everyday fears that paralyse us from living a richer and more complete life.
“Great”, you say, “How did you do this and how soon can I start?” I say, “Hang on.” Greater men than I have tried teaching this and failed miserably. I don’t believe that there is a way to teach this or learn this without actually trying to do it on your own. It’s like riding a bicycle, I could give you a seven day lecture on the principles and physics of riding a bike but the only way to learn is to still get on the seat and keep falling off till you get it right.
You all understand what being present is and living in the moment. You don’t need a degree in philosophy for this one. It’s innate. It’s intrinsic to being human. Modern day civilization has robbed us of the quick and ready use of this ability but it’s always been there. The easiest way to live in the moment is to focus on what you’ll achieve based on your own understanding of living in the moment and then clear your mind and just let it happen. Trust that it will. You’ll know when it does.
Learning to live in the moment is the most important lesson that I’ve learnt and was both simultaneously the easiest and the most difficult thing I’ve learnt thus far. It has made a huge difference in the quality of my life and made the following lessons all that much more easier to achieve.
Positivity of Spirit and Mind
The next valuable lesson I learnt along the way which was quite hard for me initially as I’m naturally a cynic, was learning how to be positive and optimistic always.
In everything that we do, we always have a choice as to our internal state of spirit and mind. No matter how terrible the situation you may find yourself in or how bleak the possible outcomes, I guarantee you that you’re going come out alright and better for it if you always stay positive. Besides living longer and having a much higher quality of life, you’re going to become someone whom people will naturally be attracted to and want to be around with.
This is actually a very easy thing to achieve, I believe. Easy because once you become aware of the internal decision-making process that guides your approach to everyday situations, it then becomes the easiest thing in the world to simply choose the more positive option.
Let me explain further what I mean. Let’s examine briefly a very simple yet destructive emotion which is anger. Now let’s take a very simple scenario that’s common in Singapore while driving; someone cutting sharply into your lane without indicating while you’re on the way to work.
You start swearing and cursing, gesticulating wildly and start getting worked up. You start plotting on how to get back at this car which dared cut you off and plan to overtake him and do to him what he did to you just to teach him a lesson. Whatever happens, you do know that you’re going to take this destructive anger with you into the office and it’s going to stay with you the rest of the day impacting everyone around you.
But let’s back it up here and examine what happened, you made a choice to get angry the moment you got cut-off. The anger didn’t result from the car cutting you off but rather from the internal decision you made in response to this. You have control over this. Always. You could have just as easily chosen to laugh it off, say to yourself that he must really be in a hurry, go back to lip-synching whatever was playing on the radio and you would get to work no later than if he hadn’t cut you off. With a broad grin on your face instead of a scowl.
I guarantee you that your life will be radically different once you become aware of this internal decision-making process and understand that you always, always, always have a choice as to your internal state of mind and then choose always to take the positive and optimistic road.
Don’t you also want to live a life filled with laughter and joy? I could never go back to being a skeptic and a cynic - I’ve learnt the lessons from the past and only looking to moving forward these days.
The next step here is to stay far away from negative people. They are poison and anathema to your soul and well-being. If you’re unable to help them or if they’re unwilling to change, run for your life!
Knowledge Accretion.
Imagine a large circle drawn in the sand. Now imagine that in this circle lies everything that you know; everything that you’ve been taught, everything that you’ve learnt and absorbed. Now if our happiness and joy is based upon that which we understand and know, doesn’t it make sense that you want to make the circle as big as possible.
I gain an immense amount of joy and pleasure from making that circle bigger everyday and then sharing what I know with the people around me which then creates a positive feedback loop where we all start sharing and this takes the brakes off our potential and of those around us. There is much joy to be gained when you learn in a truly collaborative manner.
Put time aside everyday to read and learn something new and then make an attempt to either contextualise what you’ve read or make it real by sharing it with someone. Gaining new knowledge and learning something new adds tremendously to your appreciation of life and all that it promises.
Vulnerability
I learnt the value of this from a girl I fell in love with when she suggested that I wasn’t allowing myself to be vulnerable. This was something that took me by surprise and it took me some time to understand what she meant.
The very word itself is scary, isn’t it. Vulnerability. Who wants to be vulnerable? Vulnerability connotes a sense of weakness, a sense of being subject to the whims and fancies of those near and dear.
I resisted this for a bit before gaining a deeper understanding of what this truly means. Being vulnerable in this context is allowing yourself to drop your guard down around those that are near and dear to you; friends, family and loved ones. And then allow yourself to really channel the emotions that sit close to the core of who you are rather than filter them away.
Too often, we don’t realise that these walls that are up preventing us from really connecting with the people that we love and care about is directly a product of the collective experiences of our past.
Too often, the memory of a past hurt or failed relationship haunts us and as such, we often erect these citadel-like defences around our psyche to protect our id, our internal identity without realising that we’re also shutting out the positive aspects of being open and vulnerable.
Allowing yourself to be impacted by the people that you truly care about takes your relationships to a whole new level where you will experience a level of closeness, affection and love that may redefine that relationship in an entirely beneficial level.
This is still relatively new for me and I’m still working on it but already, it’s led me to deeper and closer connections with my friends and allowed me to reach a level of closeness of spirit with them that’s so meaningful and real that I could never allow myself to get back to what it was like before.
Forgiveness
I also learnt to forgive myself for any mistakes made in the past, that i’ve just made in the present and hopefully, will not make in the future. This isn’t about learning from one’s mistakes; that’s pretty much a given.
What I’m referring to is the discarding the negativity that comes with screwing up which has a tendency to associate itself with the mistake itself.
If you fail to forgive yourself and then associate that mistake with the pain and memory of screwing up, then learning from one’s mistake in a holistic and positive manner gets replaced by the fear of the consequences of making that same mistake.
You might never make the same mistake again - but there are now two pathways here, one that’s positive and ensures that the right lessons are learnt and the other dark and foreboding, lined with the sharp fangs of fear and retribution.
Finding one’s passion
This is probably the most nebulous and over-hyped aspect of personal development literature the last twenty or so years so much so that it’s now a cliché and a much derided concept guaranteed to elicit more than a raised eyebrow when brought up in casual conversation.
However, I can tell you that I’m am exploring mine and that’s made all the difference to the quality of my life. How it happened, I can’t tell you. My journey will be vastly different from yours and you should be glad that it is.
What I have learnt about finding one’s passion or passions as may very well be the case is that it’s not something that will drop into your lap one day. You have to search actively for it and that you can only find it when you’re in a state of mind that’s at peace and open to what the universe has planned for you.
I found what I’m most passionate about through a series of circumstances that, looking back could only have occurred in the specific order that it did. And it only happened as I was living in the moment and allowing myself to experience new things and old things anew. Once I made a decision to start the search, it then became inevitable that I would find it. Reciprocity.
I hardly recognise myself these days and I’m glad of it. I'm always here for you guys if you need me.
MM
"...being human....."