The Rules
My cousin has just announced that she's expecting her second child in September. I greeted this news with enthusiasm, because, yay, baby! But also because Grandma is quite concerned about my failure to lure in, capture, and eventually domesticate and breed with a male homo sapiens at my advanced age, and I hoped that she would be distracted by impending second great-grandbaby. I made the mistake of commiserating with DJ and Gia (paired up but didn't reproduce for 9 years: her parents thought they were broken) in front of May, who today rolled into the office and produced from her messenger bag a book called "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right." And no, it's not an antique from 1959. It was published in 1995, intended to get you married, and May picked it up at her younger sibling's elementary school book fair a few years ago. She recommended Rule #3.
Some excerpts from "The Rules."
This book is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read (and I intend to share it with Gia tomorrow, as she "claimed" DJ when she learned he was moving to their island, literally calling dibs on him, sight unseen. There was a shortage of eligible males, she and the other ladies were taking turns.)
Rule #3: Don't Look at Men or Talk Too Much
"It is never necessary to make eye contact... Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant." Find the emergency exits, keeping in mind that your nearest exit may be behind you.
"Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word. Let them. Maybe he's thinking about how he's going to propose to you one day. Don't ruin his concentration." If you refuse to speak, he can't find out where you live to dump you back at home.
Rule #4: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
"Men feel really good when they work hard to see you. Don't take that away from them. The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you." Because if you take away his hour of commute to your traffic disaster of a neighborhood with no parking, you're taking away his penis. But remember, when he arrives, you must sit silently in the car. Even if he needs directions.
Rule #5: Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
"So if you don't want a man to know how much you like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don't call him." Though they do suggest that if you can't live without hearing his voice, call his answering machine and hang up before the beep. It was 1995, clearly. The invent of caller ID has made this TERRIBLE advice.
Rule #8: Fill Up Your Time Before the Date
[Before your date] "Don't see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who can't wait for you to get married and have children. Being around them might make you reek of desperation on the date." As opposed to reeking of complete apathy, as this book suggests.
Rule #15: Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
"Don't be surprised if the man you're dating gets very angry when you kiss him good night in the lobby at the end of your second date rather than invite him up to your apartment for a drink. He has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels he's being denied this pleasure. Anger indicates interest, and you might be surprised, for he will probably call you again!" That's just what I want, someone who gets "very angry" when he doesn't get his way. Please call again, please!
Extra Hints:
1. When he asks you out, silently count to five before saying yes. It will make him nervous and that's good! Or he will think you have difficulty processing simple questions.
I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Now I'm imagining a Rules woman being locked in a box with the guy from "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill," who decided to find a loving partner for himself by meditating for 18 hours a day inside his house. She refuses to look at him, he refuses to open his eyes and get out of the half-lotus, both starve to death because she isn't allowed to "go Dutch" with him to get the lid off the box.
Some excerpts from "The Rules."
This book is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read (and I intend to share it with Gia tomorrow, as she "claimed" DJ when she learned he was moving to their island, literally calling dibs on him, sight unseen. There was a shortage of eligible males, she and the other ladies were taking turns.)
Rule #3: Don't Look at Men or Talk Too Much
"It is never necessary to make eye contact... Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant." Find the emergency exits, keeping in mind that your nearest exit may be behind you.
"Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word. Let them. Maybe he's thinking about how he's going to propose to you one day. Don't ruin his concentration." If you refuse to speak, he can't find out where you live to dump you back at home.
Rule #4: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
"Men feel really good when they work hard to see you. Don't take that away from them. The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you." Because if you take away his hour of commute to your traffic disaster of a neighborhood with no parking, you're taking away his penis. But remember, when he arrives, you must sit silently in the car. Even if he needs directions.
Rule #5: Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
"So if you don't want a man to know how much you like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don't call him." Though they do suggest that if you can't live without hearing his voice, call his answering machine and hang up before the beep. It was 1995, clearly. The invent of caller ID has made this TERRIBLE advice.
Rule #8: Fill Up Your Time Before the Date
[Before your date] "Don't see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who can't wait for you to get married and have children. Being around them might make you reek of desperation on the date." As opposed to reeking of complete apathy, as this book suggests.
Rule #15: Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
"Don't be surprised if the man you're dating gets very angry when you kiss him good night in the lobby at the end of your second date rather than invite him up to your apartment for a drink. He has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels he's being denied this pleasure. Anger indicates interest, and you might be surprised, for he will probably call you again!" That's just what I want, someone who gets "very angry" when he doesn't get his way. Please call again, please!
Extra Hints:
1. When he asks you out, silently count to five before saying yes. It will make him nervous and that's good! Or he will think you have difficulty processing simple questions.
I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Now I'm imagining a Rules woman being locked in a box with the guy from "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill," who decided to find a loving partner for himself by meditating for 18 hours a day inside his house. She refuses to look at him, he refuses to open his eyes and get out of the half-lotus, both starve to death because she isn't allowed to "go Dutch" with him to get the lid off the box.