Some of what it feels like to have CFS.
You're standing there and words are flying out of their mouth which look like newborn hedgehogs and they are hitting you in the face and you really try to understand responding based on the few words that got into your brain and it's never enough. After that they go away but you spend the next few days paying for the encountre only wanting to sleep to think to feel. If only you could go back and be born all over again.
The expense of everything is exorbitant for anyone with CFS. Normal people spend their enterprising day, get tired and go to bed, ready to hop up and do anything or everything again. People with CFS experience shocks or insults from the slightest activities, and end up in bed for days and days and maybe weeks. They never feel awake. They feel like they have been pulling an all-nighter for about month. Too tired to even yawn or fall asleep. They may look young, but they are spiritually 300 years old. People don't understand. Even though I am physically too sensitive, I am not afraid of death. After so many years of hell, it would a comfort to me to actually sleep so infinitely deeply. To escape this yoke not of enterprise but endless entropy. Always expanding, ballooning, consuming, accumulating, snuffing out every flame you seek to reignite, dragging down your every step, swallowing up your every effort.
And not only do some people have the nerve to take advantage of your half-open eyes by insisting that they are the ones who are tired, they are the ones spending so much effort, that they are the ones spending the money, that theirs are the lives that have been put upon. Seriously, if you're going to do this, just go away. But, not only this, but some people actually seek you out so they can shovel their shit over your head, literally trying to bury you alive. And these are the bullies, the narcissists and the psychopaths. They seek out the vulnerable, especially those whom they envy for whatever reason. As I've said, they would envy the dead. Which is why there is no end to such insanity. Of course, they, themselves, don't see it. Stepping on heads. Social climbing and clawing at everyone else's expense.
Imagine the dysfunctional relationship between a sensitive empath and a bully or psychopath. Even if the empath doesn't become an enabler and blind forgiver, trying to change the bully, the empath will still be pummelled to the gutter by the incessant insults and gaslighting and beratement by someone who is determined NOT to feel, determined to foist away feelings, by harming others. Toxically, destructively insecure. Well, the empath is hurt because he or she naturally feels, sees and feels, opens up, loves, gives the benefit of the doubt, forgives. How tortuous to have one's genuine feelings mocked and delegitimised. This is a sad, bad relationship.
Now, imagine the relationship between someone with CFS and a narcissist or psychopath or bully. Unlike the empath, the feelings of a PWCfs are buried under glaciers of fatigue and pain. So, the whole point of his or her life becomes digging out those feelings, trying to restore even a tiny fraction of the loving person he or she once was. Along with all the work of the dragging, heavy muscles and all the other oppressive symptoms, and all the social stigma and isolation, there is also the huge, huge work of trying to climb out of it - reignite on small spark above all the painful, concrete-like dry ice that has overtaken being, itself. So, a PWCfs in a relationship with a psycho is one where one person is already fighting to reassert feeling and life - he or she hasn't even gotten to the point of feeling like an empath - versus a bully person who is on a rampage or mission to deny his or her feelings. I guess I am merely introducing this relationship because I must leave off for now - too tired, at the moment.
Anyway, I was tired and in pain yesterday, and then along came the dog breach, which would never have happened, if a fence had been installed. Yesterday's incident is now costing me more lost days. Meanwhile, others may scoff at my trouble, and go on with their easy lives. The psychopath has no empathy for any possible losses - anything other than what brings him or her more power, or prestige within the group. My sister has no concept that a lack of fence costs me so much more than it would cost a normal person. No idea that her stupid little play to get me to pay rent early, etc., would be expensive to me and, so, ultimately to her. Like locking away my mower and snow shovel - she is the one the city will hold responsible, not me.
Same deal with withholding keys to the house, or charging me more rent than promised, or just plain lying and lying and regarding me from the start as if I am some kind of problem - so should end up blaming me, to others, as being THE problem, right? Because that's game. To take, and make my life worse, as difficult as possible. Because of her antics, she cost me thousands of dollars, making THIS place actually more expensive than the apartment I turned down. Being idiots at heart, yet acting like they know everything, and everything they do is right, these kinds of people leave destruction in the lives they exploit.
With CFS, what do I actually need? I need to live a life of luxury, with no responsibilities, getting to do whatever I want and can do, with no bothers, and all the healthy food I can tolerate. Looks pretty posh and spicy, doesn't it? But it's NOT. I have to try to reduce my stress as much as possible to merely keep my illness from going way out of bounds. I may look like I am living a privileged, undeserved life, but in fact, I am in intense pain and unhappiness. Just leave me alone! Instead, I get people coming out of nowhere not just because of the phenomenon I mentioned above, but because the gossip gets around, people get resentful, people decide I am not really sick, and that I am dishonest and gaming the system and that I AM THE ONE WHO IS THE PSYCHOPATH!
I hate this society.
Goodnight for now.
The expense of everything is exorbitant for anyone with CFS. Normal people spend their enterprising day, get tired and go to bed, ready to hop up and do anything or everything again. People with CFS experience shocks or insults from the slightest activities, and end up in bed for days and days and maybe weeks. They never feel awake. They feel like they have been pulling an all-nighter for about month. Too tired to even yawn or fall asleep. They may look young, but they are spiritually 300 years old. People don't understand. Even though I am physically too sensitive, I am not afraid of death. After so many years of hell, it would a comfort to me to actually sleep so infinitely deeply. To escape this yoke not of enterprise but endless entropy. Always expanding, ballooning, consuming, accumulating, snuffing out every flame you seek to reignite, dragging down your every step, swallowing up your every effort.
And not only do some people have the nerve to take advantage of your half-open eyes by insisting that they are the ones who are tired, they are the ones spending so much effort, that they are the ones spending the money, that theirs are the lives that have been put upon. Seriously, if you're going to do this, just go away. But, not only this, but some people actually seek you out so they can shovel their shit over your head, literally trying to bury you alive. And these are the bullies, the narcissists and the psychopaths. They seek out the vulnerable, especially those whom they envy for whatever reason. As I've said, they would envy the dead. Which is why there is no end to such insanity. Of course, they, themselves, don't see it. Stepping on heads. Social climbing and clawing at everyone else's expense.
Imagine the dysfunctional relationship between a sensitive empath and a bully or psychopath. Even if the empath doesn't become an enabler and blind forgiver, trying to change the bully, the empath will still be pummelled to the gutter by the incessant insults and gaslighting and beratement by someone who is determined NOT to feel, determined to foist away feelings, by harming others. Toxically, destructively insecure. Well, the empath is hurt because he or she naturally feels, sees and feels, opens up, loves, gives the benefit of the doubt, forgives. How tortuous to have one's genuine feelings mocked and delegitimised. This is a sad, bad relationship.
Now, imagine the relationship between someone with CFS and a narcissist or psychopath or bully. Unlike the empath, the feelings of a PWCfs are buried under glaciers of fatigue and pain. So, the whole point of his or her life becomes digging out those feelings, trying to restore even a tiny fraction of the loving person he or she once was. Along with all the work of the dragging, heavy muscles and all the other oppressive symptoms, and all the social stigma and isolation, there is also the huge, huge work of trying to climb out of it - reignite on small spark above all the painful, concrete-like dry ice that has overtaken being, itself. So, a PWCfs in a relationship with a psycho is one where one person is already fighting to reassert feeling and life - he or she hasn't even gotten to the point of feeling like an empath - versus a bully person who is on a rampage or mission to deny his or her feelings. I guess I am merely introducing this relationship because I must leave off for now - too tired, at the moment.
Anyway, I was tired and in pain yesterday, and then along came the dog breach, which would never have happened, if a fence had been installed. Yesterday's incident is now costing me more lost days. Meanwhile, others may scoff at my trouble, and go on with their easy lives. The psychopath has no empathy for any possible losses - anything other than what brings him or her more power, or prestige within the group. My sister has no concept that a lack of fence costs me so much more than it would cost a normal person. No idea that her stupid little play to get me to pay rent early, etc., would be expensive to me and, so, ultimately to her. Like locking away my mower and snow shovel - she is the one the city will hold responsible, not me.
Same deal with withholding keys to the house, or charging me more rent than promised, or just plain lying and lying and regarding me from the start as if I am some kind of problem - so should end up blaming me, to others, as being THE problem, right? Because that's game. To take, and make my life worse, as difficult as possible. Because of her antics, she cost me thousands of dollars, making THIS place actually more expensive than the apartment I turned down. Being idiots at heart, yet acting like they know everything, and everything they do is right, these kinds of people leave destruction in the lives they exploit.
With CFS, what do I actually need? I need to live a life of luxury, with no responsibilities, getting to do whatever I want and can do, with no bothers, and all the healthy food I can tolerate. Looks pretty posh and spicy, doesn't it? But it's NOT. I have to try to reduce my stress as much as possible to merely keep my illness from going way out of bounds. I may look like I am living a privileged, undeserved life, but in fact, I am in intense pain and unhappiness. Just leave me alone! Instead, I get people coming out of nowhere not just because of the phenomenon I mentioned above, but because the gossip gets around, people get resentful, people decide I am not really sick, and that I am dishonest and gaming the system and that I AM THE ONE WHO IS THE PSYCHOPATH!
I hate this society.
Goodnight for now.