Open Letter to Fay, 10 November 2006
Fay,
I have given some thought about recent contact from you - your telephone call, an email and the account for [name]. I seem to recall a previous time when I wrote a letter/email to you and your response was that you didn’t open it and deleted it. Such avoidance by you has crossed my mind this time but, nonetheless, I shall continue on. I am considering attaching this email for you to a letter to the lads, but am still considering doing so.
In your phone conversation, you stated/asked one way or another that we be “friendly” now. I really wonder how you think this could be possible. I am a polite and courteous person and will remain so. To be “friendly” (whatever you’re particular definition is or involves for you) with a person who caused/created so much damage and anguish to our sons and me is really bordering on fantasy I believe. Much like the fantasy you expressed in an audio tape with a tarot card reader where you stated that I have “never given you any present”! And what you have written in that little red book (aka diary) - “oh diary, he has managed to fool/deceive Phil, Mani, Fred and others, etc, etc”! In both the situations, I had/have no way of speaking for myself against your obvious words - be they lies, misinformation, distortions of truth, fantasy or the like. I have no such cassette tape or little red book.
However, there is one event, of many, that will stand out for me for all time. It happened at a Quaker Camp we attended. You stated to me after I had burst into tears during a session where I spoke about Iestyn: “don’t ever speak about Iestyn to others in front of me ever again.” This was witnessed and heard by others - it’s irrefutable; it was quoted back to me. Their comments to me later that day, and beyond, began with puzzlement as to why you would say such a thing and dismay for me having to receive your nasty words. Iestyn was OUR son; the grief was ours and his brothers. Did/do you really think you had/have some exclusive rights to him? And your recent story about a dream you had with him - was there really any necessity to inform me of this? I suspect it is pure fiction as it came hot on the heels of an email I sent to the lads.
I find it rather odd that after all your departure from principle over the past 3 years and before, that a matter of “principle” regarding Ralph Mano was the single purpose for your call. The other day you send an email with an update re Ralph (thanks) a big paragraph about yourself and some tid-bits about [son] & [son]. Are you assuming a level of “friendship” here already? Do you really think that some kind of chit-chat about you finding yourself in yet another management/personality conflict is worthy of sharing with me?
Fay, it was you who chose to absent herself from our relationship permanently and stated that there was no way we were getting back together or the like. Not once after you left did I want you back - not even in my darkest times. Every contact from you generated serious concern in me as to what you would do next to aggravate “things” or construct. This concern reached the point where an Apprehended Violence Order was prepared for delivery to you - court approved - but I declined to have it proceeded with for the sake of our sons.
I doubt very much if you ever genuinely tried to understand what was happening within me - even I couldn’t work it out until therapy began with [psychologist]. And when answers were emerging, CFA provided you with the opportunity that you had been waiting for (as I have been told by one son). And so, at the worst possible time (and around the anniversary of Iestyn’s death) when you were under no physical or emotional threat, you seized the moment you had been waiting for, constructed a theatric & blaming scenario, took [son] and deserted me (and [son]) - thinking only of yourself. You had “poisoned” the minds of our sons, especially [son]. Why did you do this?
You even stooped to using [son] & [son] to spy on me - asking all manner of questions of them about me. I wonder how “friendly” such behaviour is. Why didn’t you simply ask me your questions? Did you have to have some kind of “upper hand” at all times and at all costs? Were you still trying to manipulate me? Did you ever consider what you were doing and have done to our sons by this irrefutable behaviour?
Of course, when you abandoned me, you also abandoned [son] (I witnessed and experienced the effects on him through your actions). When you were made aware of this some time ago, you immediately contacted him about it and put him right on the spot, apparently seeking to absolve yourself of any responsibility. Couldn’t you have simply accepted some measure, at least, of the responsibility for what you did and spare him any more hurt? Of course he will say to you “it’s OK”, as to say anything else would hurt him all the more.
Although in your little red book you deny what independent and objective specialists in their fields concluded regarding me and my conditions, the irrefutable facts remain. One extraordinary conclusion by a psychiatrist expert in the field of sexual abuse identified you as not only responsible for the depth of my “breakdown” but also a contributing factor in the development of chronic PTSD in me. Although your ever-suspicious & manipulative mind will think that I was able to fool him, per your red book, independent professional observations (which you do not possess) saw that I was incapable of withholding anything for any purpose - I was seriously ill. You even questioned on several occasions the numerous sexual assaults upon me and, in any case, denied me appropriate and ongoing support. You even went so far as to say to me “you make it sound as if you were the victim here.” That statement from you clearly revealed to me where you were coming from all along - YOU had to be seen as a victim. Goodness!
From multiple diagnoses, the chronic PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder in me began from around age 6 or 7 - this information is not new to you. The manifestations of chronic PTSD in me over the years, increasing during the several years before you abandoned me, were made by you into a sordid and disgusting trait of me - even demands from you for me to accept responsibility etc, etc. No such manifestations exist now. The work of my then medical team put all that into the correct perspective and removed, amongst other things, the distorted “facts” you ingrained into my mind. The revelations during 2½ years of intensive therapy were awesome and challenging. Do you remember going to [my brother & family] place in the van and I had to get out? You made that into negative & peculiar behaviour of me yet it was, as it turns out, to be one of numerous panic attacks. There were so many situations/scenarios where I was having a panic or anxiety attack and YOU turned that to your advantage with respect to our sons - and heaven knows who else.
You stated to the lads early in 2006 or late 2005 that you have seen how much money I have and that I am "living a lifestyle that doesn’t match my income". Of course, that is ridiculous and can be proven to be. But, how did you see how much money I have? Did you make that up too? Or did you manage to view my bank account details somehow? It is quite obvious what you were really saying - that I have/had some big sums of money secreted away somewhere/somehow. Wrong. And as recently as when [son/girlfriend] came up to Kerang, he commented that I am “not living the lifestyle of someone on a pension”. You planted that notion in his head. What lifestyle do you think I am living? I believe it is you who twice holidayed in New Zealand and once in Europe and have now bought a house. What did you plant in his (and others) minds? And why did you seek to create a distorted view of my finances? Was it so you could paint a mean picture of me and a sorry one for yourself?
Your partner/de facto, Greg, has seen fit to impose himself upon our sons at various times. And his inappropriate behaviours, at times, have been drawn to your attention but to no avail, of course. He means nothing more to me than anyone else in the world - perhaps you should get used to that notion - or any of the other men you have known over the years. But should he get in the way of father / son relationships, I will respond appropriately. You appear to be fond of him - but I suspect you are taking liberties with him in relation to my sons. Does he let you see & be with our sons without his presence yet?
In the ‘phone conversation, you also referred to the “principle” regarding Ralph Mano. Yes, there is principle there but where were your principles over the past 3 years? Where were they when you threatened I should pay rent on the settlement day? My first and immediate concern there was that both [son] & [son] would be dragged into paying rent as well - which I was advised would legally happen. You talk of “principle” - pity you didn’t exercise your “principles” when it really mattered.
We had many years together. We had four sons. You were a good mother to our little ones. But when the shit hit the fan in 2003, in the end, you were really not too different to your birth-mother, Gwen. And I recall the numerous times that when the shit hit the fan for you, I was there for you when it mattered yet you didn’t reciprocate when it mattered to me. Do you still believe that the world revolves around you? You talk of being “friendly” - you must still be living a fantasy. Civil I will be to you & Greg as appropriate but only for the sake of our sons. At all other times, you are nothing.
When you turned your back on the family unit so very long ago, you set in train a series of damaging events and outcomes. I wonder why. I still wonder who you really were and why you chose to be so deceptive and selfish for such a long time. You jumped up and down for a tricycle from Madge and Charlie, rode it up the street and then abandoned it. Interesting eh?
I am not angry or the like with you - there is no emotion in me for you. Remember karma.
Barney