Drama in spades
Fair warning, Drama in spades below!
I'm so worn out today. Not only are my allergies totally shutting me down (trees can stop having sex NOW please!), I got a serious of phone calls from my daughter and her mother.
For those who are interested in a refresher, after a long and dirty fight over ending our marriage the kids, once in my custody because their mom had serious problems with effective parenting, went to their mother because I had serious problems in responsible parenting. T, my daughter, and her mother C have been at each other's throats ever since. Maybe not really but the only time I get a call from either of them is when they're at war. Or when my son his back in custody for getting in trouble but that's not the topic of this particular story and I digress...
The relationship between my daughter and I has had a pretty rocky past but we've been working on repairing burned bridges. Still, pretty much the only time she calls is when she needs something from me whether that is money or a sounding board to rant against her mom or an ally in her corner. She's finding that, although I love her ever and always, I'm not always going to take her side if she's wrong. I'll stand and help her deal with the consequences of her actions but I will not assist her in escaping them.
Yesterday she called me asking about the possibility of coming to live with me.
Wow. Of course, there's a story.
T has a drug problem at least at some level. I'm not sure if it's just smoking pot (and yes, I did say JUST) or if she's involved in something more. Seems she was at a friend's house and the parents thought she was high so they told C. C of course totally believed them. Why wouldn't she? T has a lot of work to do to regain everyone's trust and I've told her that. Still, she professed her innocence and took a UA. According to T, C wasn’t even willing to accept a clean UA as proof that she was not getting high. T has court Thursday and wants to ask the judge if she could come live with me. Now, at this point I told her not to expect that to be the fairy tale solution to her problems. The rules may be different at my house but there are still rules and she would be expected to make every effort to comply with those rules or continue to face the consequences of her decisions. I also reminded T of some of the things she’s said regarding D, my wife. Things like telling me that the only relationship I have with her (T) is one I pay for and then only if I divorce D. There’s a whole separate train of thought on expectations on that front but, like my son’s problem, that’s for another time.
I begin to notice a pattern. T calls for help in dealing with C and within an hour I get a call from C telling her side of the story which she often introduces as “what really happened”. I will say that I/we have caught T in some very creative renditions and interpretations of the truth so there is some historical behavior that T is working against. C’s story has a good deal of believability such as suspicious behavior and some pretty classic signs of drug use (dilated pupils not the only one pointed out). Meds were missing and T had more money than she is should have. To test the waters a little bit, I offered to take T for a week or two. The first response was “She’s used up there too”. Sure, but this isn’t about getting her away from her circle down there, it’s about giving the two of them some time apart, some breathing room. I was thanked for the offer but didn’t get any kind of feeling that she would even consider it.
Then T calls again. Seems the missing meds showed up and C called the cops. Why? Because that’s the only way C can deal with the kids I guess. She was never the one that enforced any of the discipline in the family and it seems that some things have not changed. T is sure she’s being framed. She’s sure that C has swayed everyone to her side and that the world has aligned against her. Now T has some ground to stand on here too. C is extremely clever when it comes to telling her story in a way to draw out the support of every agency she gets to listen. There are claims that C told them she doesn’t want them. Believable. There are claims that she mocks threats of family annihilation but speeding through congested traffic straight legged to the accelerator. Also believable. There are claims of disproportionate reaction to behavior. Undoubtedly believable. I have witnessed and heard witness to all of this.
Did I mention that there’s a pattern? Sure enough, I get a call from C later last night. By then, I was pretty much done with the drama so, after telling her that I was going to piss her off, I told her how I felt. I told her that both of them were bug nuts. I told her that I knew they were both master manipulators because I’ve been the receiving end of BOTH of their games. I told her that I felt there was no way their relationship would be anything more than toxic and I did not see it ending well by any stretch of the imagination. To her credit, she was very calm and accepted, even if she disagreed, with my thoughts on the subject.
At this point I don’t know how much to believe from either of them. I know that both of them are telling me the parts and pieces of the story that conforms to their own understanding of the “truth”. I would love to have T living with me but I’m not sure that she’s able to live within the bounds she would have. D and I are pretty free with a lot of things but with that freedom comes an expectation of responsibility and accountability. I know C has come a long way but I am still poly and pagan and I’m not sure if that her conservative and “traditional” social views will allow her to approve of T living long term with that. I do know that I am not up of a court fight over this unless it is to avoid them ending up back in the foster care system. Even that may not be avoidable at this point.
Did I mention the bucket loads of drama in this?
I'm so worn out today. Not only are my allergies totally shutting me down (trees can stop having sex NOW please!), I got a serious of phone calls from my daughter and her mother.
For those who are interested in a refresher, after a long and dirty fight over ending our marriage the kids, once in my custody because their mom had serious problems with effective parenting, went to their mother because I had serious problems in responsible parenting. T, my daughter, and her mother C have been at each other's throats ever since. Maybe not really but the only time I get a call from either of them is when they're at war. Or when my son his back in custody for getting in trouble but that's not the topic of this particular story and I digress...
The relationship between my daughter and I has had a pretty rocky past but we've been working on repairing burned bridges. Still, pretty much the only time she calls is when she needs something from me whether that is money or a sounding board to rant against her mom or an ally in her corner. She's finding that, although I love her ever and always, I'm not always going to take her side if she's wrong. I'll stand and help her deal with the consequences of her actions but I will not assist her in escaping them.
Yesterday she called me asking about the possibility of coming to live with me.
Wow. Of course, there's a story.
T has a drug problem at least at some level. I'm not sure if it's just smoking pot (and yes, I did say JUST) or if she's involved in something more. Seems she was at a friend's house and the parents thought she was high so they told C. C of course totally believed them. Why wouldn't she? T has a lot of work to do to regain everyone's trust and I've told her that. Still, she professed her innocence and took a UA. According to T, C wasn’t even willing to accept a clean UA as proof that she was not getting high. T has court Thursday and wants to ask the judge if she could come live with me. Now, at this point I told her not to expect that to be the fairy tale solution to her problems. The rules may be different at my house but there are still rules and she would be expected to make every effort to comply with those rules or continue to face the consequences of her decisions. I also reminded T of some of the things she’s said regarding D, my wife. Things like telling me that the only relationship I have with her (T) is one I pay for and then only if I divorce D. There’s a whole separate train of thought on expectations on that front but, like my son’s problem, that’s for another time.
I begin to notice a pattern. T calls for help in dealing with C and within an hour I get a call from C telling her side of the story which she often introduces as “what really happened”. I will say that I/we have caught T in some very creative renditions and interpretations of the truth so there is some historical behavior that T is working against. C’s story has a good deal of believability such as suspicious behavior and some pretty classic signs of drug use (dilated pupils not the only one pointed out). Meds were missing and T had more money than she is should have. To test the waters a little bit, I offered to take T for a week or two. The first response was “She’s used up there too”. Sure, but this isn’t about getting her away from her circle down there, it’s about giving the two of them some time apart, some breathing room. I was thanked for the offer but didn’t get any kind of feeling that she would even consider it.
Then T calls again. Seems the missing meds showed up and C called the cops. Why? Because that’s the only way C can deal with the kids I guess. She was never the one that enforced any of the discipline in the family and it seems that some things have not changed. T is sure she’s being framed. She’s sure that C has swayed everyone to her side and that the world has aligned against her. Now T has some ground to stand on here too. C is extremely clever when it comes to telling her story in a way to draw out the support of every agency she gets to listen. There are claims that C told them she doesn’t want them. Believable. There are claims that she mocks threats of family annihilation but speeding through congested traffic straight legged to the accelerator. Also believable. There are claims of disproportionate reaction to behavior. Undoubtedly believable. I have witnessed and heard witness to all of this.
Did I mention that there’s a pattern? Sure enough, I get a call from C later last night. By then, I was pretty much done with the drama so, after telling her that I was going to piss her off, I told her how I felt. I told her that both of them were bug nuts. I told her that I knew they were both master manipulators because I’ve been the receiving end of BOTH of their games. I told her that I felt there was no way their relationship would be anything more than toxic and I did not see it ending well by any stretch of the imagination. To her credit, she was very calm and accepted, even if she disagreed, with my thoughts on the subject.
At this point I don’t know how much to believe from either of them. I know that both of them are telling me the parts and pieces of the story that conforms to their own understanding of the “truth”. I would love to have T living with me but I’m not sure that she’s able to live within the bounds she would have. D and I are pretty free with a lot of things but with that freedom comes an expectation of responsibility and accountability. I know C has come a long way but I am still poly and pagan and I’m not sure if that her conservative and “traditional” social views will allow her to approve of T living long term with that. I do know that I am not up of a court fight over this unless it is to avoid them ending up back in the foster care system. Even that may not be avoidable at this point.
Did I mention the bucket loads of drama in this?