We know it's all a passing phase...
So, I'm sitting here with Billy Joel. I haven't listened to him for months, years even. Not properly. Not for hours on end. He was a constant companion once, for a couple of years at least. I'd listen to other things too, but I'd always end up coming back to him. But it seems now that he's just something I can listen to at 2.30AM on a Saturday night. I won't listen to him for a long time after tonight, I know that. But tonight I just need that feeling. That safe, 14-year-old, loved kind of feeling.
And I'm not quite sure why I need that tonight. Sure, I'm in a foreign country, and I'm not doing a lot, and there are lots of scary Danish people that I can't talk to, and Billy's just familiar. But that's not it. That's not why I'm listening to him. Not completely, anyway. I think, in a way, I'm back to how I was when I first started listening to him. I was in a relationship, but one that could only really be a relationship once in a while. I was in England, she was in Denmark. It was hard. And I'm back there again. I'm in a relationship, he's in England, I'm in Denmark. It's the whole thing all over again. But at the same time, Billy bears absolutely no relevance to him. I don't think about him when I'm listening to Billy. I think about lying around on my bedroom floor, writing in my journal, like I diligently used to do back then, every night. Staying up ridiculously late, because obviously what I had to write was more important that getting enough sleep to function properly in school the next day. And I miss that. I miss that one thing in my life that seemed to have more purpose than all the other things. I miss chewing over every detail of what had happened and what I thought. And I know that it made me ridiculously over-analytical, but I felt grounded. I had a plan.
Not that I'm saying that life's shit now. It's not. At all. It could be a lot better, but that's only 'cause I need to grow a backbone and actually go and speak to some people in my questionable Danish. i know that I'm only here for six months. And I need to make the most of it. But it's so hard. Making friends with people when you don't have the faintest clue how to even strike up a conversation with them. And it's not like I don't have friends here. I do. But my ultimate goal is to return to England with some kind of functioning Danish, 'cause otherwise, what the fuck was the point? I've wondered that too. Why I'm even here, why I even chose to do Danish. But I've realised, it's all just down to Billy. Down to Billy and all the things that are involved with him. But Billy's the only bit of that that I've got left now though. Well, him, and several hundred journal entries...
And I'm not quite sure why I need that tonight. Sure, I'm in a foreign country, and I'm not doing a lot, and there are lots of scary Danish people that I can't talk to, and Billy's just familiar. But that's not it. That's not why I'm listening to him. Not completely, anyway. I think, in a way, I'm back to how I was when I first started listening to him. I was in a relationship, but one that could only really be a relationship once in a while. I was in England, she was in Denmark. It was hard. And I'm back there again. I'm in a relationship, he's in England, I'm in Denmark. It's the whole thing all over again. But at the same time, Billy bears absolutely no relevance to him. I don't think about him when I'm listening to Billy. I think about lying around on my bedroom floor, writing in my journal, like I diligently used to do back then, every night. Staying up ridiculously late, because obviously what I had to write was more important that getting enough sleep to function properly in school the next day. And I miss that. I miss that one thing in my life that seemed to have more purpose than all the other things. I miss chewing over every detail of what had happened and what I thought. And I know that it made me ridiculously over-analytical, but I felt grounded. I had a plan.
Not that I'm saying that life's shit now. It's not. At all. It could be a lot better, but that's only 'cause I need to grow a backbone and actually go and speak to some people in my questionable Danish. i know that I'm only here for six months. And I need to make the most of it. But it's so hard. Making friends with people when you don't have the faintest clue how to even strike up a conversation with them. And it's not like I don't have friends here. I do. But my ultimate goal is to return to England with some kind of functioning Danish, 'cause otherwise, what the fuck was the point? I've wondered that too. Why I'm even here, why I even chose to do Danish. But I've realised, it's all just down to Billy. Down to Billy and all the things that are involved with him. But Billy's the only bit of that that I've got left now though. Well, him, and several hundred journal entries...