Pop's, Publix, and Pessimism
Well, so.... I haven't written in here for forever. I thought I'd finally update or something.
I am constantly living in my head lately, because I feel mega-uncomfortable everywhere else. Aren't I sad? Pretty much a dork. Definitely a dork.
Yeah well.... First the updates, then on to my neurotic mind.
Matthew told me he loves me about a month and a half ago. It is both wonderful and strange. Since the summer started we've communicated a lot better, and he's told me he loves me, but we've both been in weird moods this summer, and we've been arguing or clashing a lot more. I feel like I'm driving him crazy, and sometimes and say or do things that I consciously realized I don't want to say / do because I don't want to drive him crazy, but I do anyways and then I just end up wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I'm acting so moody lately.
I get angry at the littlest things. I don't like anyone lately. I don't want to be around people and they make me so frustrated and I've also grown very OCD since aquiring my own house. It's insane, really, the way I'm acting but I don't know what's causing me to act this way and I don't know why I feel like this, but I do. Yep.
I feel like my roommates hate me. Maybe they don't and maybe they do, but either way I'm sure I drive them crazy too, and they drive me crazy sometimes (legitimately at times and neurotically at times) but nevertheless they used to be the only friends I had outside of like Matt but now I feel like we're not as close and subsequently I also feel pretty uncomfortable at home unless I am alone in which case I am lonely.
Except for my babies. For those of you who don't know, I got a kitten named Vincent Carmine (Vinny for short) about three months ago. He's about four months old now and is very agressive and my vet told me he needed a playmate. So, the beginning of this week I got another kitten--a sweet five-week-old girl named Cecilia (CiCi for short). We still haven't thought up her middle name. (for those of you that don't know I don't have a middle name thus I give everything of mine middle names because I like them. And if you don't know that then you really don't know me and I think it's weird that you are reading this).
And then also I got this job at Pop's New York Pizza in Five Points in Columbia at the end of April, and I am working half as driver and half as counter girl, but my parents really hated that I was doing deliveries because they think that it's really dangerous (which it is). Also working at Pop's just overall really sucks because we have some people that do nothing so the responsible people have to do three times the work and get paid the same amount which pretty much sucks. Also I work terrible hours because at first the owner wasn't giving me enough and then I asked for 40 hours and now I work terribly long hours. (Like this week for example: Friday: 11am-2pm AND 6pm-4am then Saturday: 11am-5pm) Which, if you didn't count, gives me like 5 hours to sleep before I have to go back to work. Plus, the AC there is broken so it's usually around 90 degrees there. More stuff about Pop's sucks but that's all I'll mention for now.
So, what did I do? I got another job. As of this coming Monday I will no longer work at Pop's but instead at Publix on Rosewood where I will be making more money and getting more reasonable hours.
But, having worked this fucking asshole job half for three months and feeling uncomfortable where I work, it has developed me into a very depressed individual. I look forward only to spending time with Matthew (mainly because I have no other friends) and when I can't spend time with him I've resorted to making him feel bad for that (which I know I shouldn't do and don't want to do, but like I explained I don't know what is wrong with me lately).
So I find myself lately wondering if somethins is wrong with me. Sometimes it's so hard to find even a trace of beauty in this world. At times, I look around myself and see nothing to be happy about. And I know that's bad. And I've tried to do things I enjoy, to brush off the little nagging details, to take pleasure in the simple things, but still I'm pessimistic.
Like with Matthew. I know in my mind that I want to be with him and marry him and be together. He says he's not ready to talk about that yet so I automatically assume the worst. I really suck lately. No wonder I have no friends.
I mean, who even reads this and gives a rats ass anyways. No one is going to comment, and if anyone does, it's someone from Greenville and high school that I haven't seen in a year.
There goes the pessimism again. But go figure, you're the one that has read this far with a title that actually contains the word "pessimism."
Sometimes I find things that are beautiful and then they end up making me feel worse. Like there's this line in this song that says, "Your smile pressed against mine," and I thought Isn't that a nice image? And then I started crying because.... Well, I'm really not that sure. I'm just sad lately.
People say wintertime around Christmas is the most depressing time of the year for some people. I've noticed in my life that every summer I get depressed. What is that??
I'll try not to let it consume me.
I am constantly living in my head lately, because I feel mega-uncomfortable everywhere else. Aren't I sad? Pretty much a dork. Definitely a dork.
Yeah well.... First the updates, then on to my neurotic mind.
Matthew told me he loves me about a month and a half ago. It is both wonderful and strange. Since the summer started we've communicated a lot better, and he's told me he loves me, but we've both been in weird moods this summer, and we've been arguing or clashing a lot more. I feel like I'm driving him crazy, and sometimes and say or do things that I consciously realized I don't want to say / do because I don't want to drive him crazy, but I do anyways and then I just end up wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I'm acting so moody lately.
I get angry at the littlest things. I don't like anyone lately. I don't want to be around people and they make me so frustrated and I've also grown very OCD since aquiring my own house. It's insane, really, the way I'm acting but I don't know what's causing me to act this way and I don't know why I feel like this, but I do. Yep.
I feel like my roommates hate me. Maybe they don't and maybe they do, but either way I'm sure I drive them crazy too, and they drive me crazy sometimes (legitimately at times and neurotically at times) but nevertheless they used to be the only friends I had outside of like Matt but now I feel like we're not as close and subsequently I also feel pretty uncomfortable at home unless I am alone in which case I am lonely.
Except for my babies. For those of you who don't know, I got a kitten named Vincent Carmine (Vinny for short) about three months ago. He's about four months old now and is very agressive and my vet told me he needed a playmate. So, the beginning of this week I got another kitten--a sweet five-week-old girl named Cecilia (CiCi for short). We still haven't thought up her middle name. (for those of you that don't know I don't have a middle name thus I give everything of mine middle names because I like them. And if you don't know that then you really don't know me and I think it's weird that you are reading this).
And then also I got this job at Pop's New York Pizza in Five Points in Columbia at the end of April, and I am working half as driver and half as counter girl, but my parents really hated that I was doing deliveries because they think that it's really dangerous (which it is). Also working at Pop's just overall really sucks because we have some people that do nothing so the responsible people have to do three times the work and get paid the same amount which pretty much sucks. Also I work terrible hours because at first the owner wasn't giving me enough and then I asked for 40 hours and now I work terribly long hours. (Like this week for example: Friday: 11am-2pm AND 6pm-4am then Saturday: 11am-5pm) Which, if you didn't count, gives me like 5 hours to sleep before I have to go back to work. Plus, the AC there is broken so it's usually around 90 degrees there. More stuff about Pop's sucks but that's all I'll mention for now.
So, what did I do? I got another job. As of this coming Monday I will no longer work at Pop's but instead at Publix on Rosewood where I will be making more money and getting more reasonable hours.
But, having worked this fucking asshole job half for three months and feeling uncomfortable where I work, it has developed me into a very depressed individual. I look forward only to spending time with Matthew (mainly because I have no other friends) and when I can't spend time with him I've resorted to making him feel bad for that (which I know I shouldn't do and don't want to do, but like I explained I don't know what is wrong with me lately).
So I find myself lately wondering if somethins is wrong with me. Sometimes it's so hard to find even a trace of beauty in this world. At times, I look around myself and see nothing to be happy about. And I know that's bad. And I've tried to do things I enjoy, to brush off the little nagging details, to take pleasure in the simple things, but still I'm pessimistic.
Like with Matthew. I know in my mind that I want to be with him and marry him and be together. He says he's not ready to talk about that yet so I automatically assume the worst. I really suck lately. No wonder I have no friends.
I mean, who even reads this and gives a rats ass anyways. No one is going to comment, and if anyone does, it's someone from Greenville and high school that I haven't seen in a year.
There goes the pessimism again. But go figure, you're the one that has read this far with a title that actually contains the word "pessimism."
Sometimes I find things that are beautiful and then they end up making me feel worse. Like there's this line in this song that says, "Your smile pressed against mine," and I thought Isn't that a nice image? And then I started crying because.... Well, I'm really not that sure. I'm just sad lately.
People say wintertime around Christmas is the most depressing time of the year for some people. I've noticed in my life that every summer I get depressed. What is that??
I'll try not to let it consume me.