Old times
Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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7:46 pm - Lost
Just when I think that I starting to figure things out life puts a twist in. Im not sure what that twist is but im now lost again. I have so many thoughts going though my head I want some way to make them stop. Me and Nikki are just like we were before i moved in. Man that confusses me. I no how i feel about Lance but im not sure how he feels bout me and i don't want to do anything i will regret. But if anything does happen then im not doind to regret. That won't help none. I miss school. I miss Kym and LAnce and Megan, Audrey, Nikki, and everybody else there. I thought that summer was goingt o be great but now that me and lance are to gether all i want to do is be with him and thats like impossible. I miss all my friends from A-Dale. We have grown so far apart that i feel like they don't care to talk to me and i didn't want that to happen. Im not sure what to think bout all this. But i have figured out that i don't like change. I only like it when it is my desision. But when people make me then it just pisses me off.
current mood: blah
current music: Colt 45
(comment on this)
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
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4:05 pm - Wish I was someone else
I wish I was someone else. I wish i didn't have to go though what im going though. I want my life to be easier. I always feel so depressed. Things that used to make me happy now only make me cry. Things that I never thought about doing now seem like the only way out. I have never thought about hurting myself but it seems like the only way out. I need some way to make the thoughts go away. I have never had so many things going on in my head as I do now. I think I need some major help. I miss Lance and I no im not going to get to do a lot w/ him this summer if I have to work. Im going to figure out some way to go to his house while his parents are gone. I think im flippin out. My head hurts really bad right now. Im kinda scared of myself. I just want to roll over and die. Life would be so much easier. I like lance soo much but he scares me. He tells me im perfect and that he would never think of breaking up w/ me. People have nevr told me that before. He is so good to me. I hope that he thinks the same way of me. But who knows.well i got to ride.
current mood: crappy
(comment on this)
Friday, May 21st, 2004
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9:57 pm - Different
I feel like I am so much different thenmost other people. I feel like I can never please anyone. I try and be simple. If you are nice to me I will be nice back. Don't push and i won't niether. But do people let me kee it that way. No. People have to try and understand what is going on in my life. If i want someone in my life then i will talk to them. And theresabout only one person I trust right now. That is probable bad to say but its the truth. I don't trust people. Why should I . Im not sure if trust is something that is earned or if it is something that i just decided to give to somebody. See these kinda thoughts run though my mind all day. Questions that have no answers. So when i can't figure out the answer I get aggervated. Now im just rambeling on and on and on. But theres nothing else to do. Theres no one to talk to. There never is. People always just want to talk bout good stuff. Well, im sick of that shit. How are people happy. Howcome no one seems to be unhappy. And if they are how come they can fake it so good. I try and people still whats going on. See im using this jounal as a way to express my feelings. Not to tell pople what happen to me today. This is a way for me to see what im feeling and the only way is to think about it. I feel likeI try so hard to make since of thngs and it never works out. I can't even make since when im writing in a journal. I just jump from one topic to the next. Why o I feel like im so alone. Why do i haveso many questions. Why can't i answer any of the questions. See now im startingto piss myself off. Why do I do this to myself. I realize what im doing and i don't do anything to sop it. Soem how i have to fiure out why i do this to myself. Why do i always take the blame for everything. Like the whole jornal thing. It wasn't my falt at all. In fact Nikki et there and tried to talk about it right in front of me. That really pisses me off. In fact i do't think she cares at all. I don't understand why i let her get away with all this stuff. Its like i don't care about myself. I was lyig to myself about the whole thing b/c im still mad at nikki for reading it and im still mad at nikki for giving it to lance to read. And im still mad at lance for reading it. Right now im really pissed. Why the hell can't people mind there own buisness. I was talking to someone about it and she was helping me. I didn't need nikki to go and but in. Now im always going to have that that thought that they are doing something bhind my back. Im always wondering what they are going to pull next. Whatwill life tough at em next.If anyon has any answers to any of my questions go ahead and tell me. If im scaring or confussing anyone i would like to no. If you think that i should just stop bitching let me no. 10 4.
current mood: pissed off
current music: I Hate Everything About You
(comment on this)
6:13 pm - Alone
Im at my grandmas and i fell like im all by myslf. I hate that felling. I can't believe im keeping a jounal that everyone can read. But i mis well b/c everyone feels they have a right to my life. Im glad school is over but imnot at the sametime. Summers goind to suck. Me and Nikki aren't on the best of terms and probable never will be again. She has Lance now. I wish that some of the stufff that happen this year wouldn't of. But then i am happy it did. I have Kym as a friend now and i don't no what i would of done with out her. I have Lance but forhow long i don't no. But all at a cost. Nikki. We will never be the same. No one understands what i am thinking right now b/c I don't even understand it. I scare myself. I never no what I am going to do. I have to figure out whatmakes me happy b/c im tried of being like this. Im tired of making people feel bad or worried. Im going to get help but i thik im the only one that can help me i just have to figure out what that is. For those who don't understand what im saying, don't try to hard. You never will. And for those who do....
current mood: lonely
current music: Confessions
I finally got into my old journal. Im just going to let people read this. Im not going to block it. Now what are people going to think. Maybe now they will understand why lance makes me so mad. Why i couldn't jsut let go.and why i miss him so much. And maybe yall will understnad things between me and nikki. Maybe this will help people understand me better. This is what i was like all summer. Thsi was me... now im different but explains how i feel on the inside. This is now just a front. I am this way so people don't see how much i really miss who i used to be and how things were before my world fell down.
I MISS KYM
love
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7:46 pm - Lost
Just when I think that I starting to figure things out life puts a twist in. Im not sure what that twist is but im now lost again. I have so many thoughts going though my head I want some way to make them stop. Me and Nikki are just like we were before i moved in. Man that confusses me. I no how i feel about Lance but im not sure how he feels bout me and i don't want to do anything i will regret. But if anything does happen then im not doind to regret. That won't help none. I miss school. I miss Kym and LAnce and Megan, Audrey, Nikki, and everybody else there. I thought that summer was goingt o be great but now that me and lance are to gether all i want to do is be with him and thats like impossible. I miss all my friends from A-Dale. We have grown so far apart that i feel like they don't care to talk to me and i didn't want that to happen. Im not sure what to think bout all this. But i have figured out that i don't like change. I only like it when it is my desision. But when people make me then it just pisses me off.
current mood: blah
current music: Colt 45
(comment on this)
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4:05 pm - Wish I was someone else
I wish I was someone else. I wish i didn't have to go though what im going though. I want my life to be easier. I always feel so depressed. Things that used to make me happy now only make me cry. Things that I never thought about doing now seem like the only way out. I have never thought about hurting myself but it seems like the only way out. I need some way to make the thoughts go away. I have never had so many things going on in my head as I do now. I think I need some major help. I miss Lance and I no im not going to get to do a lot w/ him this summer if I have to work. Im going to figure out some way to go to his house while his parents are gone. I think im flippin out. My head hurts really bad right now. Im kinda scared of myself. I just want to roll over and die. Life would be so much easier. I like lance soo much but he scares me. He tells me im perfect and that he would never think of breaking up w/ me. People have nevr told me that before. He is so good to me. I hope that he thinks the same way of me. But who knows.well i got to ride.
current mood: crappy
(comment on this)
Friday, May 21st, 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9:57 pm - Different
I feel like I am so much different thenmost other people. I feel like I can never please anyone. I try and be simple. If you are nice to me I will be nice back. Don't push and i won't niether. But do people let me kee it that way. No. People have to try and understand what is going on in my life. If i want someone in my life then i will talk to them. And theresabout only one person I trust right now. That is probable bad to say but its the truth. I don't trust people. Why should I . Im not sure if trust is something that is earned or if it is something that i just decided to give to somebody. See these kinda thoughts run though my mind all day. Questions that have no answers. So when i can't figure out the answer I get aggervated. Now im just rambeling on and on and on. But theres nothing else to do. Theres no one to talk to. There never is. People always just want to talk bout good stuff. Well, im sick of that shit. How are people happy. Howcome no one seems to be unhappy. And if they are how come they can fake it so good. I try and people still whats going on. See im using this jounal as a way to express my feelings. Not to tell pople what happen to me today. This is a way for me to see what im feeling and the only way is to think about it. I feel likeI try so hard to make since of thngs and it never works out. I can't even make since when im writing in a journal. I just jump from one topic to the next. Why o I feel like im so alone. Why do i haveso many questions. Why can't i answer any of the questions. See now im startingto piss myself off. Why do I do this to myself. I realize what im doing and i don't do anything to sop it. Soem how i have to fiure out why i do this to myself. Why do i always take the blame for everything. Like the whole jornal thing. It wasn't my falt at all. In fact Nikki et there and tried to talk about it right in front of me. That really pisses me off. In fact i do't think she cares at all. I don't understand why i let her get away with all this stuff. Its like i don't care about myself. I was lyig to myself about the whole thing b/c im still mad at nikki for reading it and im still mad at nikki for giving it to lance to read. And im still mad at lance for reading it. Right now im really pissed. Why the hell can't people mind there own buisness. I was talking to someone about it and she was helping me. I didn't need nikki to go and but in. Now im always going to have that that thought that they are doing something bhind my back. Im always wondering what they are going to pull next. Whatwill life tough at em next.If anyon has any answers to any of my questions go ahead and tell me. If im scaring or confussing anyone i would like to no. If you think that i should just stop bitching let me no. 10 4.
current mood: pissed off
current music: I Hate Everything About You
(comment on this)
6:13 pm - Alone
Im at my grandmas and i fell like im all by myslf. I hate that felling. I can't believe im keeping a jounal that everyone can read. But i mis well b/c everyone feels they have a right to my life. Im glad school is over but imnot at the sametime. Summers goind to suck. Me and Nikki aren't on the best of terms and probable never will be again. She has Lance now. I wish that some of the stufff that happen this year wouldn't of. But then i am happy it did. I have Kym as a friend now and i don't no what i would of done with out her. I have Lance but forhow long i don't no. But all at a cost. Nikki. We will never be the same. No one understands what i am thinking right now b/c I don't even understand it. I scare myself. I never no what I am going to do. I have to figure out whatmakes me happy b/c im tried of being like this. Im tired of making people feel bad or worried. Im going to get help but i thik im the only one that can help me i just have to figure out what that is. For those who don't understand what im saying, don't try to hard. You never will. And for those who do....
current mood: lonely
current music: Confessions
I finally got into my old journal. Im just going to let people read this. Im not going to block it. Now what are people going to think. Maybe now they will understand why lance makes me so mad. Why i couldn't jsut let go.and why i miss him so much. And maybe yall will understnad things between me and nikki. Maybe this will help people understand me better. This is what i was like all summer. Thsi was me... now im different but explains how i feel on the inside. This is now just a front. I am this way so people don't see how much i really miss who i used to be and how things were before my world fell down.
I MISS KYM
love