Same-Sex Marriage is Legal in the United States of America!
I remember when Prop 8 passed, when my fellow citizens, when my neighbors, voted marriage was only between a man and a woman. I remember because I was thinking of coming out that day, if it had passed. I remember sitting in my dining room, looking outside at the porch, in disbelief that the love I was feeling was wrong. And I remember being scared, feeling guilty, and shamed.
That’s the importance of today’s ruling. By November of 2008, when Prop 8 passed, I had already dated my first girlfriend, a whirlwind mutually closeted romance that left me completely torn apart and poignantly alone without anybody to talk to about said closeted romance. By 2008, I was already dating my second girlfriend after a slew of failed gender normative relationships where I was desperately trying to be straight, to conform. We dated in secret for another 2 years until she insisted, rightly so, that I come out to my mom. I hid not one, but two relationships in shame, internalizing the homophobia that we built into our society. Besides, I rationalized, we would never get married anyway, it wasn’t legal for us, the majority of Californians had voted it so (and then our highest court had affirmed this vote less than a year later).
Later, driving down to Southern California for my youngest sister’s graduation, I asked my mom if she believed in gay marriage. I had to sit in oppressively awkward silence as she tried not to verbalize what society had taught her and validated in law. I told her she couldn’t come to my future gay wedding if she didn’t believe in gay marriage.
I had to gender neutralize who I was dating to people I met and even dear friends, dropping the “s” in “she,” pretending that my toes had tingled because I met a new man. My web of lies trapped me. If you can’t introduce your friends to your girlfriend in fear that they will discover you are gay, then you can’t spend time with your friends. I lost a lot, so afraid people would judge me for who I was, that I pushed even my closest friends away.
The first time you come out of the closet, it’s hard. Every good reaction makes it easier, until it doesn’t become a thing you have to do anymore, but rather, just another part of who you are. So in another November, but this time of 2011, I started dating my current love, my love of all time, my wife. As we were starting to discuss marriage, the first same sex marriage equality law was voted in. We eventually got married in that state, Washington. In 2013 the Supreme Court of the United States made it legal in our home state, California. We felt so lucky, openly dancing the streets of Pride. Now, if you openly bashed gay marriage in public, you were legally a bigot. Today, exactly one year after our legal marriage date, the Supreme Court has done it again. We are overjoyed.
This time, it’s equality across all states. So whether you are Alabaman or Montanan, you can marry who you love, regardless of gender. And you can live your life, openly with the law on your side. And I sincerely hope, for that confused and lost teenager in the depths of the South, that this landmark decision makes your life a little easier. That you will know, even if your friends, family, and church aren’t on your side, your laws are and there are people just like you all across our great nation just trying to love who we love. And that we love you.
That’s the importance of today’s ruling. By November of 2008, when Prop 8 passed, I had already dated my first girlfriend, a whirlwind mutually closeted romance that left me completely torn apart and poignantly alone without anybody to talk to about said closeted romance. By 2008, I was already dating my second girlfriend after a slew of failed gender normative relationships where I was desperately trying to be straight, to conform. We dated in secret for another 2 years until she insisted, rightly so, that I come out to my mom. I hid not one, but two relationships in shame, internalizing the homophobia that we built into our society. Besides, I rationalized, we would never get married anyway, it wasn’t legal for us, the majority of Californians had voted it so (and then our highest court had affirmed this vote less than a year later).
Later, driving down to Southern California for my youngest sister’s graduation, I asked my mom if she believed in gay marriage. I had to sit in oppressively awkward silence as she tried not to verbalize what society had taught her and validated in law. I told her she couldn’t come to my future gay wedding if she didn’t believe in gay marriage.
I had to gender neutralize who I was dating to people I met and even dear friends, dropping the “s” in “she,” pretending that my toes had tingled because I met a new man. My web of lies trapped me. If you can’t introduce your friends to your girlfriend in fear that they will discover you are gay, then you can’t spend time with your friends. I lost a lot, so afraid people would judge me for who I was, that I pushed even my closest friends away.
The first time you come out of the closet, it’s hard. Every good reaction makes it easier, until it doesn’t become a thing you have to do anymore, but rather, just another part of who you are. So in another November, but this time of 2011, I started dating my current love, my love of all time, my wife. As we were starting to discuss marriage, the first same sex marriage equality law was voted in. We eventually got married in that state, Washington. In 2013 the Supreme Court of the United States made it legal in our home state, California. We felt so lucky, openly dancing the streets of Pride. Now, if you openly bashed gay marriage in public, you were legally a bigot. Today, exactly one year after our legal marriage date, the Supreme Court has done it again. We are overjoyed.
This time, it’s equality across all states. So whether you are Alabaman or Montanan, you can marry who you love, regardless of gender. And you can live your life, openly with the law on your side. And I sincerely hope, for that confused and lost teenager in the depths of the South, that this landmark decision makes your life a little easier. That you will know, even if your friends, family, and church aren’t on your side, your laws are and there are people just like you all across our great nation just trying to love who we love. And that we love you.