(no subject)
I'm in such a weird mood right now. I'm well into failing a first year lit class (apparently there was a midterm worth 40% of the grade while I was away... not that I would have passed it if I had known about it anyway). I sat next to a Canadian girl and just felt defeated. The girl speaks French really well so it was a comfort to me when, in the middle of his rapid-fire lecture filled with terms I didn't even know I don't understand (for example, "la perception zero" - I took it to mean zero perception, then the perception of the heros, but when I asked it really meant the omniescent view point) she was like, "Fuck! I just don't understand what's coming out of his mouth!" That and I have no idea how to do a commentaire de texte, which the grades are based upon. He doesn't teach us how to analyze and make commentary, he just tells us what's his analysis of a text, and since I don't understand almost half of what he's saying I can't memorize it to spit it back at him for the exams. I feel like this has been such a waste of an academic year. Living here has had its many good points, but I feel like I have learned absolutely nothing and I feel sick of this uni.
I haven't really gotten much sleep since coming back from Israel either. I expected there would be at least one day when I would pig out on sleep, but for whatever reason, even when there's nothing really to do, there seems to be an endless list of things that need doing pressuring my peace and I just can't get enough sleep. I'm so tired.. I feel drained and I long to be home. I can't believe I'm saying that. My mother called yesterday and, because she had nothing else to talk about, brought up the future and what I'm failing to do with my life and, although I know it's ridiculous and I didn't care this time yesterday, I suddenly feel a tinge of incertainty and a dread of the future. Incertainty is crippling.
I also found out that finals don't end May 19th because I actually have one on the 21st (I'm not sure of all the other final dates), and I'm suddenly worried about the tickets I bought for the 23rd to Finland. I really hope this works out. I might go to the Balkans for a couple weeks, it's a cheap flight from London, but at the same time I'm thinking, "Do I *really* want to go? Do I actually want to travel some more..?" I can't believe I'm asking myself questions like that these days.
I haven't really gotten much sleep since coming back from Israel either. I expected there would be at least one day when I would pig out on sleep, but for whatever reason, even when there's nothing really to do, there seems to be an endless list of things that need doing pressuring my peace and I just can't get enough sleep. I'm so tired.. I feel drained and I long to be home. I can't believe I'm saying that. My mother called yesterday and, because she had nothing else to talk about, brought up the future and what I'm failing to do with my life and, although I know it's ridiculous and I didn't care this time yesterday, I suddenly feel a tinge of incertainty and a dread of the future. Incertainty is crippling.
I also found out that finals don't end May 19th because I actually have one on the 21st (I'm not sure of all the other final dates), and I'm suddenly worried about the tickets I bought for the 23rd to Finland. I really hope this works out. I might go to the Balkans for a couple weeks, it's a cheap flight from London, but at the same time I'm thinking, "Do I *really* want to go? Do I actually want to travel some more..?" I can't believe I'm asking myself questions like that these days.