It's Not Over - Chapter 12 - Mountain High
Title: It’s Not Over
Chapter: 12/? - Mountain High
Genre: AU, Jack/Ennis
Warnings/Rating: PG to NC17.
Summary: Jack and Ennis are reunited following four years apart after being forcibly separated. Can they rebuild and move on?
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie. Any original characters I claim as my own.
A/N: With Jack on track now will Ennis welcome him back with open arms? We are finally nearing the home stretch here, maybe one or two more chapters. I really wanted to try and get lots of emotion into this chapter but I didn’t really get it to where I wanted it to go. I found the song ‘Unworthy of Your Love’ from Assassins performed by a younger John Barrowman and Ruthie Henshall and I fell in love with it and that was the inspiration I was trying to draw from. Here's the link if you're interested - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnsdy7ws7gU I guess I got some of what I wanted though. Hope you think so too. Thanks as always to Jodi for the beta and for her input into this chapter. Any remaining ‘oops’ are mine.
Damn LJ! Tells me it's too large once again so it wil be in two parts...Grrrr!
~~~
It had been many weeks of self-examination, but Jack finally felt he was in a good place, both body and spirit. The effects of the alcohol abuse were long gone, the fresh air, decent meals and exercise had done him a world of good, putting colour back in his cheeks and bulk back on his frame. Going for counselling was the best thing he could've done for himself, and he was very grateful for Lisa's help.
Keeping a journal, and writing the letters to the people that most affected his life was very healing for him. His first had been to his uncle, pouring his gratitude and thanks into the words he wished he could've spoken, before his uncle passed away. The second one, to his father, had been purging but brief, yet enough to finally sever the hold he’d had over Jack for so many years and putting the past where it belonged, in the past.
His mother's letter nearly broke his heart, but he felt better afterwards and closer to her than ever...
My Beautiful Mama,
I just don't know where to start. This is so hard for me, because I can't think of you without choking up.
I love you. I miss you every minute of every day, and would give anything asked of me, if I could just give you one more hug. If I could just smell your perfume one more time; if I could lay my head in your lap just once more, and feel your hand brush over my hair; if I could feel your lips on my brow, please, just once more. I want to feel your arms around me, hugging me close to you, and most of all, I want to see you smile at me when I tell you I love you.
Uncle Harold did right by me, I want you to know that. You did real good sending me to him, but I still would've given anything to have you back. My heart aches for you, Mama. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can still hear your voice, your sweet voice telling me everything would be okay.
God, Mama, I've needed you in my life like you wouldn't believe. I messed up good, and I paid for it... but you know what? I think I'm finally on the right path, with the person who loves me, so fiercely, and whom I love more than my own life. He's a wonderful man, Mama. I know you'd love him, too, and accept us for who we are.
I wish I could talk to you, to share my life now with you. I still dream about you, and I talk to you out loud sometimes, even though it's not the same. My heart is so full of love to give, and I will always keep a special part tucked away, just for you.
Thank you for being my Mama...
I love you.
Jack
As for Ennis' letter, well, that was a labour of love, as well as a plea for forgiveness and understanding. But in his heart, he knew what a great man his soulmate was, and his hope was that he'd be forgiven, and then he'd be able to share it with Ennis, free of the restraints that held him back.
All the time he had felt unworthy of his love, he still knew deep down that Ennis loved him and hoped beyond everything that they could find their way back to each other.
~~~
Jack pulled up his truck and trailer next to a familiar pick-up, with a small camper chained up to the truck’s hitch. He’d known instinctively where he would find Ennis and he had been right. Jack got out of the cab and breathed in the fresh mountain air, stretching his stiff muscles as he smiled. He felt like he was coming home.
A short time later he had Sunny saddled up and packed, then he made his way down a memorable trail. A trail that would lead him back to Ennis. Soon he came upon a camp, with a pup tent and a small camp fire. He spied Ennis’ horse grazing nearby but no Ennis.
Jack got off Sunny and tethered her before taking a look around the campsite. Still no Ennis. Remembering the brook nearby, Jack made his way toward the sound of running water and stopped short when he came upon the man he most wanted to see.
Jack stood there silently staring, just taking in the sight of his lover. Ennis was crouching down by the water washing dishes. Ennis then gathered up his stuff, stood up and turned only to drop the dishes he’d just collected.
“Hi, Ennis,” Jack managed. “Long time, Cowboy.”
“Sure enough.” Ennis stood stock still, wariness in his eyes - which didn’t go unnoticed.
“H...how are you?” Jack asked tentatively, a little nervous to say the least.
“Gettin’ by. You?” He replied stiffly.
“Better.”
“That’s good.” Jack couldn’t help notice a bit of sarcasm in Ennis’ voice.
“Well, this is awkward.”
“You don’t say!” Ennis bit back and reached down to collect the dropped dishes. Jack moved to help him but Ennis blocked him. “I can pick the damn dishes up myself, Jack. Been taking care a m’self for a while now.”
Ennis was still hurt by everything that happened. Why wouldn’t he be? But as angry as he was, his heart was beatin’ a hundred miles a minute. Seein’ Jack there in front of him, so close was like a shock to the heart. It had been so damn long since they had been this close to each other. And he looked good! He looked real good. So much better than the shadow of a man he’d been all those months ago. Ennis wanted nothing more than to take Jack into his arms and hug him tight, kiss his face and tell him he loved him. But memories of trying to do that before came back to kick him.
He looked back up at Jack with a closed off expression. “Why ya here, Jack?”
Jack could see that this was not going to be easy. But then he didn’t expect anything less than hostility, really. Even though Ennis had walked away, it had been Jack that had left Ennis high and dry. He had been the one to turn away and throw all the good things Ennis had done back in his face.
“You said when I was ready, to come and find you. Well... I’m ready. I’m ready to talk.”
“It’s been six months, Jack.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I really am, but I wasn’t ready till now.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I’m not ready. You ever think of that? You broke my fuckin’ heart, Jack.” Ennis had grieved these past six months. Sometimes he had felt even more helpless than he had when Jack had been in prison.
He'd felt like he was being punished for loving Jack, and no matter what he did, or tried to do, ever seemed enough. That, along with the continual rejection from his lover had pushed him to his limits and he had desperately needed these last months away. It wasn’t easy, but it had been very necessary. He'd needed to find himself again, to remember who he was, separate from Jack and the business. And until today, he had thought he was succeeding pretty well. He had been having such a peaceful day when he'd turned around, and then within five minutes, a lot of those bad feelings came rushing back. "Damn it! Why now?"
Jack took a good look and what he saw in front of him was a broken man. His face was ragged, he’d lost weight and there were many more lines on his face than Jack could remember seeing before.
“Oh, Ennis, I’m so sorry, so damn sorry. I know I hurt ya.” Jack reached out and put his hand on Ennis’ shoulder. Ennis jumped at his touch and Jack startled, too. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve heard that before, Jack. More ’n once”
“I mean it, Ennis.”
“Do you? Do you really?”
“Look... I know I’ve given cause to make you feel like that but it’s different this time. I’m different.”
“Different? Are you going to break my heart another way? Well, it won’t work, because it never healed in the first damn place! It’s still shattered into tiny pieces back in the driveway at home. Home... yeah, that’s a laugh. It was never a home without you.” Ennis shouted and stormed off.
Seeing Jack had shocked him to the core. It was the last thing he expected when he woke up this morning. But there he was, in the flesh, running after him and calling his name. Exactly what he wanted, what he'd been hoping for, but right now his own anger was preventing him from acknowledging that.
“Ennis! Ennis, stop will ya?” Jack caught up to him and turned him around, but Ennis pushed him away.
Jack wouldn’t give up and tried again, but Ennis fought back and before they knew what happened, they were on the ground wrestling. Turning over and over, trying to get the better of each other. The wrestling continued until Jack’s knee connected with Ennis’ face and blood poured out of his nose.
“Ennis, Ennis, I’m sorry.” Jack wiped Ennis’ face with his shirt sleeve only to have a fist connect with his own face, the impact knocking him back on his ass.
“It’s ‘cause a you I’m like this, Jack,” Ennis cried. “I fuckin’ gave ya ever’thin’ and ya didn’t want it. We were supposed to live the life and you kept pushin’ me away.
“My life with you meant everything and you wanted to just throw it away. I tried so hard, Jack and you forced me to leave. You got what you wanted. You finally wore me down, Rodeo. Just don’t come waltzing back in and think you can do it again ‘cause I’m not fuckin’ havin’ it. I ain’t gonna do this with ya no more, Jack.” Ennis was trembling hard, tears streaming down his face, mixing with the blood from his nose.
Jack watched Ennis fall apart and it was something he hadn’t ever seen before. It was heart wrenching. Jack moved over to Ennis to touch his face and Ennis flinched back out of reach. Jack tried again, but hesitated when he looked directly into his lovers' eyes. It was devastating to see how defeated and empty they were. He knew, with every fibre of his being, that this was his last shot, and he wasn't giving up.
“Naw, Jack, I cain’t stand it no more. Just go, huh, and leave me be.”
Jack ignored that and put his arms around his cowboy anyway. Again, Ennis fought it but Jack held tight and ignored the curses and orders to let him go. They struggled but Jack held on until both men were prone on the ground and Ennis was crying in his arms.
“I don’t wanna quit ya, Ennis. I never did. I’m no good without you. I’m sorry for shutting you out, honey. The weight of the things that went unsaid built up so much every day that it crushed us. Please, honey! Just give me one more chance to make it right. I realised that I couldn’t do it without you. I’m dead without you, Ennis. I nearly did drink myself to death but then it all hit me. I don’t want to die and I can’t live without you. I’m in pieces without you."
When he was sure he truly had Ennis' attention, he continued, letting the emotions build up and pour out, hoping to get through to his lover in every way possible. Words, feelings, thoughts, touch. Anything and everything to convey how much this meant to him.
“There were so many ghosts, Ennis, and they took hold of me and I couldn’t get away from them. They were holding on too tight. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I love you so much, honey. Please give me this chance... I’m ready to talk.”
And when he received a slight nod, he did. By the end, Jack was exhausted. Their positions changed with Ennis now supporting Jack. His voice was full of emotion but seemed to turn colder when he talked about his father, then he sobbed when he spoke of his mother. He told him about his time in jail. All of it. Every fear, every incident, how Rufus helped and how he became so important to him, but most of all, he told him how the dream life they’d planned and their love for one another kept him going. He’d just forgotten that for a while and had let everything else overwhelm him.
Ennis held him tight and remained silent throughout. He just let Jack say everything he needed to let out. There really wasn’t anything Ennis could say that would make it better. Just being there for Jack was the best thing he could do. It was all he wanted to do anyway.
~~~
To be continued in next part - http://madaboutms.livejournal.com/19420.html