It's Not Over - Chapter 11 - Healing
Title: It’s Not Over
Chapter: 11/? - Healing
Genre: AU, Jack/Ennis
Warnings/Rating: PG to NC17.
Summary: Jack and Ennis are reunited following four years apart after being forcibly separated. Can they rebuild and move on?
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie. Any original characters I claim as my own.
A/N: Not so much angst in this one. In the last chapter we saw Jack finally break and realise what he needed to do. This chapter shows one of his therapy sessions a little way ahead. J Thanks as always to Jodi for the beta and for her input into this chapter. Any remaining ‘oops’ are mine. Thanks, too, for everyone's patience. I know it's been three weeks since the last update but I got distracted. Bad Janto! But they're so good when they're bad. *giggles*
~~~
“So Jack, how are you today? You’re still looking a little pale. Are you eating? Are you taking the medication I prescribed?” Doctor Lisa Thompson had given Jack some anti-depressant meds to take and besides making him a little tired and experiencing a lack of appetite, he was doing much better.
“Yes and yes. I’m just still real tired most of the time. It’s like everything is just so hard. But I'm getting by, and I'm doing the best I can. I think.”
“Are you still having those dreams?”
“Which ones are they, Doc, the ones of me killing Ennis or the ones of me going completely loopy?”
“Either, both?”
“Surprisingly, not for a couple of days, I’m happy to say. It’s been a good week overall.”
“And why do you think that is? Have you been doing anything different this week?”
“Well like you said, I’m getting outside more. I’m working around the farm more, but it’s hard. I still get tired real easy. But I still feel good about myself afterwards. Ya know, like I’ve accomplished something.”
“And how is the business end of the ranch coming along?”
“It’s surviving. But I have Rufus to thank for most of that. He really stepped up for me and kept things going. I owe him so much for that. He waves my thanks away, and I don't understand why. I do owe him, more than I could ever repay, yet he just brushes my gratitude aside. I don't get it.”
“He’s a good friend... I can see that. You have a strong bond with Rufus, like brothers and in times of need, your family is there for you. Even if that is your family of choice, if not by birth.”
“I know and I am glad to count Rufus as my family. His whole family has been wonderful from the beginning.”
“And what about Ennis? Have you heard from him?”
“No, and I don’t think I will. I have to make the first move. I know it.”
“And are you ready for that?”
“I don’t think so, Doc. Not quite yet. I hope soon, though. I miss him so much.”
“I know you do, Jack. And I think it is admirable that you want to be whole again for him and that you recognise that you still have some more healing to do first.”
“I know, and I’m getting there... thanks to you.”
“No, Jack. You’ve done it. I may have steered you in the right direction but it's all due to your efforts. Only you can make it right and you've made great strides so far.”
“Thanks,” Jack smiled. "It feels great, too."
Jack had been seeing a therapist for the last three months and it had helped a lot. Although Jack was the only one that could convince himself the he was worth it. Jack had to truly believe in himself and that he was worth loving. Only then could he truly "come home" and begin again. Until then, he would only be half a person, and he needed to be whole again, for himself and Ennis. For their future.
Ennis had been right, he had never really come home, never truly gave it a solid effort. His body was there but not his mind. Subconsciously, Jack knew he had been hoping Ennis would leave him and realise that he wasn’t worth the pain, that he was a waste just like his father had told him, not worthy of love. He’d been told so many times that he’d really started believing it. In reality, Jack had tried to be strong but the walls he’d built up had crumbled and everything came crashing down. Now he needed to be stronger and build a new future in place of those walls.
Spending time with Rufus had been a convenient way to avoid Ennis and a safe haven for his feelings of worthlessness and guilt. But he knew he couldn’t avoid it all forever.
He’d need to reconcile his feelings before he could reconcile with Ennis and that was the most difficult part. It was an uphill battle, yet one he needed to be willing to go that extra step - make it to the top and then put on the brakes so he didn’t come tumbling back down again. He needed to give both himself and Ennis the peace and happiness they both deserved.
His doctor had told him that it was understandable that he had turned to Rufus instead of his partner, especially when they had shared such a close bond in jail for so long and no-one goes to prison for four years and emerges the same person. Jack had also come to realise that it was hard for Ennis, too. No-one can see the love of their life go to prison, knowing they are suffering and have to stand back, not being able to help. That impotent rage has nowhere to go. It needs to be worked through, talked about and dealt with. The same way it does for the prisoner.
“Jack? Jack, are you with me?”
“Oh, sorry, Doc,” Jack answered. "Just thinking about everything.”
“Just remember what I told you before. Don’t over analyse the progress you've made so far. You’ve come too far to regress now.”
“I know.”
"How has the diary been going?”
“I felt so stupid! Writin’ in a diary just seemed so girly. “Jack grimaced when he realised what he said. “Ah, sorry Doc, no offence.”
“None taken.” Lisa smiled fondly. “But us is helping?”
“Surprisingly, yes!”
“Why so surprising, Jack? Writing our feelings down can be extremely therapeutic. It allows us to express ourselves in ways that we might not usually be able to. Our own private thoughts put down in words help the healing process.”
“I know. After I got over the ‘girly’ part.” Jack smirked. “I started to think that maybe it might be okay so I started to write.”
“How much did you write?”
“I surprised myself with how much.”
“What prompted you to do so? What were you feeling at the time?”
“It’s hard to explain. But I was standin’ out on the porch watchin’ the sun set and I just felt all this emotion and if I didn’t do something about relieving the sensation I’d explode.
“So I just started to write. I wrote about my life, all my hopes and dreams, the farm, my time in prison, Rufus...”
“And Ennis too?”
“Yeah... and Ennis too,” Jack agreed softly. “It hurt. I know they’re only words but it still hurt. I actually felt physical pain when I wrote about Ennis, like my gut was being twisted every which way. I miss him so much but I know that I’m not ready to see him yet.” Jack took a deep breath and released it and scrubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands.
“This process is helping you to distinguish what you need to focus on, Jack, help you to examine things more closely. Don’t be afraid of the feelings this brings to the surface. It’s what this is all about and leads me to believe that you’re ready for the next step. I was hoping to discuss this next option with you today before you left and you’ve given me the opening I needed. It's very cathartic, and I believe it would be perfect for you."
"It ain't that weird 'put-me-in-a-trance' stuff, is it? I don't think I'd like that!"
Chuckling softly, Lisa agreed. "Not at all. It's a simple idea, and it might be the hardest thing you've done so far. Even with a little doubt at first you have by your own admissions said that the diary has helped you. That in itself required serious dedication on your part, but I had no doubt you could do it." She leaned forward a bit, looking deep into Jack's eyes. "If you agree to this next part, I believe it could really help you let go your fear of the past, all the hurt, all the insecurity, all of it, put it away, out of your life, and hopefully for good. That's what I want for you, Jack, what I believe you can achieve here. I want you to feel like you can hold your head high, free from your past, and only look forward."
Jack sat still, pinned under the intensity of what Lisa was saying...what she was offering. He cleared his throat, and spoke softly, "Gee, Doc, you got a miracle cure up your sleeve? That sounds like a tall order... are you sure about this?"
"I happen to believe you are worth the effort, Jack Twist, and most important, I know you're beginning to believe that, too. I also know that your relationship with Ennis means the world to you, and this could only enhance it, make your bond stronger."
"Yes, ma'am, it does. So what would you like me to do?"
“This could be a little more difficult, but after all you've survived, and make no mistake, you are a survivor, it will be worth it in the end. I want you to write letters to all the major players in your life. Starting with your parents, and ending with Ennis."
Lisa held up a hand, to stem the words ready to pour out of Jack's mouth. "I know what you're going to say, but please hear me out. Yes, your parents and uncle are gone, but your feelings and thoughts about them are not. The idea is to put to paper all the things you never had the chance to say; to vent your anger, express your love, ask the questions that you've always wondered about, get all that out. I don’t expect you to write elegant prose or masterpieces, only that you be honest. It doesn't matter if it's harsh and hateful, or pleading and begging, loving and thankful, as long as it's honest and comes from your heart, Jack. This is from your point of view, and your chance to let it all out. You need closure on that part of your life Jack and this will get you closer to it." She paused to pour him some more water, as he was starting to look a little pale. When he had sipped a bit, she continued.
"When you've done those three, move on to Rufus, maybe include Ellen, if you'd like. Let them know what he means to you, and you can express your thanks that way. It might be easier for him to understand, if you choose to share your letter with him. You don't have to, though. You can treat it as a simple exercise, and pack it away in a box, if you prefer, but I think it would be helpful for you to share your thoughts with him. He's been a wonderful friend and brother to you. Are you with me so far?"
He nodded, seeing the wisdom and rightness of her words. He waited for her to go on, seeing the smile move across her face.
"Which brings us to the ultimate goal. Coming home to Ennis, and bringing him with you. This will be the letter to open your heart fully with. Write everything you've been afraid to voice, let him see the real you, all of it, so that nothing can ever come between you again, ever. Say what you need to say, tell him your fears and hopes and dreams, tell him how deep your feelings for him go, and ask him to love that person, the one you've kept from him. And believe me, once you do all this, you will never regret it, and those bad things won't be able to hurt you anymore. You'll have beaten them and come out on top, and be ready to embrace your future. You are worth this, Jack, and so much more. Take the chance to find out for yourself."
Jack watched the hope for him shine out of her face. For him. She had such faith in him, and he didn't want to let her down. He felt the prickle of tears and blinked them away. "Okay... I think I'm ready for this step. I might stumble a bit but I’ll do it."
Lisa admired Jack’s courage and determination, she had seen it the first time he stepped through her door, even if he had not. He’d come a long way and she knew he was committed to his recovery. “Just remember, it's all from your point of view, and they need to read it as such. Think you can do that?"
"I'll try my best."
“Okay, our time is up. Same time Tuesday?”
“Yeah, See ya then. And thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Jack. You have a great weekend.”
~~~
Jack looked over at the calendar wall as he sipped his first coffee of the day and counted the days until the new foals were born. He marvelled at how much time had gone by. It had been six months since he’d last seen Ennis. For half of it he had been a complete wreck and the other half had been spent in therapy and getting his life back together.
After he’d made the decision to finally come home, he had called the therapist recommended to him by the prison shrink. His whole world had imploded and he needed help putting back together and he’d come to the point where he had to do something about it or he would literally die. Now it only needed one final piece to make it complete.
He hadn’t heard from Ennis since he left and he didn’t blame him for it. Jack had pushed him away every chance he got and Ennis finally did what he’d been forced to do. And it was the best thing that he could have done because it set in motion Jack’s recovery. It didn’t make it hurt any less but realised it had been the right thing to do.
Sometimes he thought he saw Ennis walking down the street downtown or whenever a car pulled up in the driveway he thought it might be Ennis coming back. But it was all just wishful thinking.
Rufus had been a terrific friend, helping him out with the business and keeping it afloat when he had just let it go. He couldn’t have cared less and it showed.
He felt a bit betrayed by Ennis in a way because if Rufus could stick by him why couldn’t he? But he knew that was completely different. He had betrayed Ennis by not letting him, by turning away from him and making him feel like shit. But that was all in the past and Jack was ready to live again.
Jack felt like he was almost there. Lisa Thompson guidance had helped him so much and he couldn’t be more grateful. She had never steered him wrong and as promised, the letters he had written had helped more than he could have hoped for.
It had been at first but he got there eventually. He had done it in the order suggested and put down in words the feelings he had been unable to express. Lisa said it would be a very cathartic thing, and he had most definitely liberating.
Jack felt a freedom in his mind that he couldn’t ever remember feeling before and a cheerfulness that had been denied him for so long. He had been happy with Ennis before but it almost felt like stolen moments rather than true contentment because somehow Jack had always denied himself that pleasure.
It was time to allow happiness and peace to reign.
TBC
~~~