So, remember when I used to post and stuff?
Yeah, I don't either. LOL and stuff.
I just figured, I should come and post here. This was my refuge for a few years, and it feels wrong to abandon it completely. I started using a blogspot blog to post some stuff, but it's more family/friends/people I know on Facebook friendly, and this one is really not. I just don't know what to say anymore. When I used to write a lot, it helped. My feelings weren't so bottled up as they are now. I know it might have seemed like I was more fucked up than ever a few times (or more) in my past entries, but at least something was coming out. I'm just so caught up in "I'm married now, and I have a real job and my mom's still fucked up, and Jason wants desperately to go somewhere else, but I'm comfortable here for a little while longer and I really can't leave when my mom's as unstable as she is and everything sucks, but I'm still semi-happy just because Jason's at home with me when I need him."
Whoa, right? Some days when I'm off and home by myself, it's all I can do to not just curl up and ignore everything. So, I usually just watch Criminal Minds or some other cop show and focus so intently on the screen that I completely miss what happens in the plot. Also, I usually do this naked and have a minor heart attack if someone knocks on the door. One day I was singing Dresden Dolls songs so loudly that our neighbor came over to make sure I was okay and not dying or being killed.
It seems just when I'm starting to feel like a human again, something sets me back, and I'm full of fear and self-loathing and nerves again. I know this is also a broken record with me. I'm annoying myself just typing this out. I just don't know what else to do about it. Therapy isn't an option right now. Jason's fallen into his usual wintertime depression. So, I must soldier on and be strong like an Amazon.
I am superbly enjoying books right now. They are so distracting and utterly wonderful. At a time when I was starting to come to grips with EVERYTHING that's happened, well, I quit. And now things are worse. And I wish that I could just go back to that time when I could go to church and feel like everything would be okay. I know that's never going to happen again. I've found God in other things, but none of them have given me peace like I used to have when I would sit in a church and just think.
I didn't even bake anything this year. I DIDN'T EVEN BAKE.
Some moments I think Christmas this year is going to be this big clusterfuck of fighting and heartache, but other moments I think about this being Jason and I's first Christmas together as a married couple. We have our own tree and our own gifts under it. Our own apartment. Our own time. It's those times when I feel like it's okay. It's okay to be wrong if you have things that feel right in your life.
Happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Holidays, my LJ-ers. I sincerely hope you all have a good holiday. Everyone deserves to be happy during this time of the year.
k
I just figured, I should come and post here. This was my refuge for a few years, and it feels wrong to abandon it completely. I started using a blogspot blog to post some stuff, but it's more family/friends/people I know on Facebook friendly, and this one is really not. I just don't know what to say anymore. When I used to write a lot, it helped. My feelings weren't so bottled up as they are now. I know it might have seemed like I was more fucked up than ever a few times (or more) in my past entries, but at least something was coming out. I'm just so caught up in "I'm married now, and I have a real job and my mom's still fucked up, and Jason wants desperately to go somewhere else, but I'm comfortable here for a little while longer and I really can't leave when my mom's as unstable as she is and everything sucks, but I'm still semi-happy just because Jason's at home with me when I need him."
Whoa, right? Some days when I'm off and home by myself, it's all I can do to not just curl up and ignore everything. So, I usually just watch Criminal Minds or some other cop show and focus so intently on the screen that I completely miss what happens in the plot. Also, I usually do this naked and have a minor heart attack if someone knocks on the door. One day I was singing Dresden Dolls songs so loudly that our neighbor came over to make sure I was okay and not dying or being killed.
It seems just when I'm starting to feel like a human again, something sets me back, and I'm full of fear and self-loathing and nerves again. I know this is also a broken record with me. I'm annoying myself just typing this out. I just don't know what else to do about it. Therapy isn't an option right now. Jason's fallen into his usual wintertime depression. So, I must soldier on and be strong like an Amazon.
I am superbly enjoying books right now. They are so distracting and utterly wonderful. At a time when I was starting to come to grips with EVERYTHING that's happened, well, I quit. And now things are worse. And I wish that I could just go back to that time when I could go to church and feel like everything would be okay. I know that's never going to happen again. I've found God in other things, but none of them have given me peace like I used to have when I would sit in a church and just think.
I didn't even bake anything this year. I DIDN'T EVEN BAKE.
Some moments I think Christmas this year is going to be this big clusterfuck of fighting and heartache, but other moments I think about this being Jason and I's first Christmas together as a married couple. We have our own tree and our own gifts under it. Our own apartment. Our own time. It's those times when I feel like it's okay. It's okay to be wrong if you have things that feel right in your life.
Happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Holidays, my LJ-ers. I sincerely hope you all have a good holiday. Everyone deserves to be happy during this time of the year.
k