The Next Phase
I haven't been posting lately....a couple of people have noticed.
In my absence, I was sick as hell with the flu, sick with a head cold, worked nearly to death, soaking in bitterness, occasionally drunk, entertaining visitors, enjoying my cable package and making an ongoing effort to finish unpacking.
Most interesting for me was a rather unpleasant discussion I had with someone I met over Bear411 (and someone on my Livejournal friends list who is likely reading this and getting pissed at me).
It was this person's contention that I, under the influence of my social anxiety, was secluding myself from the world. He even came up with a plan to drag me out of my apartment for an afternoon so I could accompany he and his friend on a sightseeing tour of North Vancouver and go for coffee. He advised me that He wouldn't take "no" for an answer.
Something about this whole exchange struck me as particularly condescending and offensive. Perhaps it was the erstwhile pity, however well intentioned, that seeped through every word. It might have had something to do with the fact that the picture of myself that was painted for me was one of a pathetic, frightened creature driven by instinct, rather than the independant, relatively accomplished strong individual I thought I had become in recent months.
The more I protested the characterization, the less interested he seemed in understanding why and, in turn, the angrier I became.
The whole thing got me to thinking about who I am and, perhaps more importantly, who I am trying to please. It occurred to me that one of the most valuable lessons I learned while living in Whistler was that I am not like most people. I am odd. I have ideals and goals that a lot of gay men, living in the mainstream gay lifestyle do not share. And yet, I have sold those out consistently in my history in the hope of maintaining friends and one day finding the love of my life.
I hung out in dance clubs and cruisy bars although I hated them. I met people for coffee in pretensious cafes even though I don't drink coffee and never engaged in the kind of intelligent conversation that most people like to think goes on in them. I accompanied guys on shopping trips that made me want to pour bleach on my brain. I pretended to like movies I hated, music that bored the hell out of me and people that I found predictable and uninteresting.
And I did it all to fit in to a community that would never extend the same courtesy to me. Ultimately, I've been as much in the closet since I came out as I was before...if not more so.
So as I start posting again, I'm kinda taking a stand here. I am going to immerse myself in things that I enjoy from now on...without regret or hesitation. If anyone wants to get with me, they are more than welcome but only if they make an effort to know me and participate in the things I enjoy every once in a while. I do not ask that anyone pretend to be interested in what I like. I only ask that they remain open and flexible.
As for this journal, I am recommitting myself to being honest, stubbornly opinionated, self-obsessed and a total smartass. If you don't dig it, de-friend me now.
And thats that - chat at ya later
In my absence, I was sick as hell with the flu, sick with a head cold, worked nearly to death, soaking in bitterness, occasionally drunk, entertaining visitors, enjoying my cable package and making an ongoing effort to finish unpacking.
Most interesting for me was a rather unpleasant discussion I had with someone I met over Bear411 (and someone on my Livejournal friends list who is likely reading this and getting pissed at me).
It was this person's contention that I, under the influence of my social anxiety, was secluding myself from the world. He even came up with a plan to drag me out of my apartment for an afternoon so I could accompany he and his friend on a sightseeing tour of North Vancouver and go for coffee. He advised me that He wouldn't take "no" for an answer.
Something about this whole exchange struck me as particularly condescending and offensive. Perhaps it was the erstwhile pity, however well intentioned, that seeped through every word. It might have had something to do with the fact that the picture of myself that was painted for me was one of a pathetic, frightened creature driven by instinct, rather than the independant, relatively accomplished strong individual I thought I had become in recent months.
The more I protested the characterization, the less interested he seemed in understanding why and, in turn, the angrier I became.
The whole thing got me to thinking about who I am and, perhaps more importantly, who I am trying to please. It occurred to me that one of the most valuable lessons I learned while living in Whistler was that I am not like most people. I am odd. I have ideals and goals that a lot of gay men, living in the mainstream gay lifestyle do not share. And yet, I have sold those out consistently in my history in the hope of maintaining friends and one day finding the love of my life.
I hung out in dance clubs and cruisy bars although I hated them. I met people for coffee in pretensious cafes even though I don't drink coffee and never engaged in the kind of intelligent conversation that most people like to think goes on in them. I accompanied guys on shopping trips that made me want to pour bleach on my brain. I pretended to like movies I hated, music that bored the hell out of me and people that I found predictable and uninteresting.
And I did it all to fit in to a community that would never extend the same courtesy to me. Ultimately, I've been as much in the closet since I came out as I was before...if not more so.
So as I start posting again, I'm kinda taking a stand here. I am going to immerse myself in things that I enjoy from now on...without regret or hesitation. If anyone wants to get with me, they are more than welcome but only if they make an effort to know me and participate in the things I enjoy every once in a while. I do not ask that anyone pretend to be interested in what I like. I only ask that they remain open and flexible.
As for this journal, I am recommitting myself to being honest, stubbornly opinionated, self-obsessed and a total smartass. If you don't dig it, de-friend me now.
And thats that - chat at ya later