"What's the word that is burning in your heart?"
Knowing the way I have been writing on this thing lately, this will most likely be my last entry, atleast until I am settled in, in school. Which even then may not even be true because I feel as if this is the connecting piece between what is to lie ahead and from what I am leaving behind.
In a million years I never thought that going to college would be so hard. We have faced so many new experiences and schools in our past, that it seems as if it would be an ongoing experience and cycle, and yet it is totally different. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing that I am the first to go because I feel I can escape the loss by going or yet take it all in, in an unchartered adventure. I truly cannot grasp the feelings that are taking me over because they are ones that I have yet to ever feel. I feel as if high school was just a blur. Everything that has happened in the past four years was my life, because we were all mature enough to use those experiences and build with them, opposed to the simple minded way of life that we lived in junior high and before hand.
Yesterday on the way to MV, I saw two kids from my old school and it brought back so many memories. I thought about the relationships and friendships we built then and how they barely existed to last and how we were all able to move onto high school alone and be okay with that. That was then, and this is now. And now I feel as if we are all moving on again, without each other, but this time, we do not want to go on alone. We all want to take something, someone, from our past and live a "high school" life. I feel, as though it seems wrong, that I can not go to college without having someone or that something to keep me sane. And when I try and think about what that will be like, my mind wanders, in thousands of directions and it all becomes a blur. I have so many plans and dreams and yet I can not even leave my home, my sanity, without a constant fear of screwing up. I have faced this challenge before and overcome it with great certainty but I feel as if now I cannot. What I have experienced in the past, I feel, is not what I will in the future. I need that certain sanity in which I cannot find. I feel as if I am hiding under a never-ending obstable that cannot be moved. And everytime light tries to come in, a black cloud casts doubt and fear upon me.
I know that it is only college and that I am only a 3 hour plane ride away, but I fear it. I feel as if I will never come home again to my real home, because my real home is something I am leaving behind. There are so many memories and feelings that will be left behind, along with my old self. The old me. I do not know where this will lead me nor do I know how I will feel. I do know that as lost as I feel, I can still at least try and be hopeful. This happens all the time to everyone and they end up fine. Monday will be the last time I see a lot of my best friends, at least till I am home in November. I do not want to go out and make new best friends because the ones I have are kick ass. I feel as if I am levaing them forever and that is a very empty feeling as well. As much as UT will be my new home, it will not be my real home. I am going to end this with a quote from one of my most memorable movies. It truly makes a lot of sense, more now that I am here, and I think a lot of people can relate:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone..."
"...You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
In a million years I never thought that going to college would be so hard. We have faced so many new experiences and schools in our past, that it seems as if it would be an ongoing experience and cycle, and yet it is totally different. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing that I am the first to go because I feel I can escape the loss by going or yet take it all in, in an unchartered adventure. I truly cannot grasp the feelings that are taking me over because they are ones that I have yet to ever feel. I feel as if high school was just a blur. Everything that has happened in the past four years was my life, because we were all mature enough to use those experiences and build with them, opposed to the simple minded way of life that we lived in junior high and before hand.
Yesterday on the way to MV, I saw two kids from my old school and it brought back so many memories. I thought about the relationships and friendships we built then and how they barely existed to last and how we were all able to move onto high school alone and be okay with that. That was then, and this is now. And now I feel as if we are all moving on again, without each other, but this time, we do not want to go on alone. We all want to take something, someone, from our past and live a "high school" life. I feel, as though it seems wrong, that I can not go to college without having someone or that something to keep me sane. And when I try and think about what that will be like, my mind wanders, in thousands of directions and it all becomes a blur. I have so many plans and dreams and yet I can not even leave my home, my sanity, without a constant fear of screwing up. I have faced this challenge before and overcome it with great certainty but I feel as if now I cannot. What I have experienced in the past, I feel, is not what I will in the future. I need that certain sanity in which I cannot find. I feel as if I am hiding under a never-ending obstable that cannot be moved. And everytime light tries to come in, a black cloud casts doubt and fear upon me.
I know that it is only college and that I am only a 3 hour plane ride away, but I fear it. I feel as if I will never come home again to my real home, because my real home is something I am leaving behind. There are so many memories and feelings that will be left behind, along with my old self. The old me. I do not know where this will lead me nor do I know how I will feel. I do know that as lost as I feel, I can still at least try and be hopeful. This happens all the time to everyone and they end up fine. Monday will be the last time I see a lot of my best friends, at least till I am home in November. I do not want to go out and make new best friends because the ones I have are kick ass. I feel as if I am levaing them forever and that is a very empty feeling as well. As much as UT will be my new home, it will not be my real home. I am going to end this with a quote from one of my most memorable movies. It truly makes a lot of sense, more now that I am here, and I think a lot of people can relate:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone..."
"...You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."