and the countdown begins....

[mackitmp06]

my b´day is in 7 days. i am getting the little sticky outty thing on the outside of my ear pierced. i really want a kick ass nose stud. i miss all of the people that have been with me through think and thin and i cant wait to clebrate my brithday and dees and christmas when i get back. we are going to have a week long celebration.its going to be fun and carelesness in a responsible manner. dee i was wondering if you still keep in touch with kyra so i can figure out if i need to buy her those skirts or not. oh the other day i bought jacquelyns baby a baby bracelet made from shells. it is so tiny and cute. im probably going to send it to you so you can give it to her because by the time i get back the babies wrists might be too big. it is the cutest thing. and i bought casey this kick ass leather bracelet. i love buying you guys stuff and i cant wait to go to brazil and bring back some beautiful artifacts for my glorious deserving friends.i miss my place. i want to go to kirks park when i get backand take a picture and then never go back. well i might go back every once and a while.who knows. good things are hard to leave behind....but it wasnt all gold and jewels i know that but it was still kick ass.i cnat help but wonder what it would have been like if we had never parted ways the way we did. i wonder what would have happened if i hadnt fucked up so badly and thats when my eyes get all teary knowing that i victimized another person. i hurt someone when my whole life has been dedicating to lifting up. its so weird because i did love him but that love scared me...ive seen love torn to pieces it literally destroys the person, i remember when me and my sis had to carry my mom from the bathroom because she had fainted because she was so weak. i remember begging my mom to eat. i remember when my mom would drive to anniston and stay with my dad until about 5 in the morning and then she would drive all the way back home. i remember me and my sis would stay awake all night and wait for her to get home. i remember crying all alone in a dark room on the floor because i couldnt understand how easily my life had fallen apart or why my beautiful family had suddenly become the most ugly and out of control thing that i had ever seen, and i forgot that. somehow i forgot how that felt and i did exactly that. i became what i always feared. that weighs on me more than anything i have ever done.i dont ever want to have that power again. i dont ever want to be able to tear someone apart. i dont want to be loved again. i want to be alone that way i can never hurt anyone and they can never hurt me.its the most bulletproof plan i have ever known and i am sticking to it.id rather be in the dark than to drag someone into it. i am os disappointed and i feel like i disillusioned myself. how do you overcome this?? does anyone know?anyone at all?
peace
macki