every single human beings been a precious parent to you.
i changed my mind, i would rather be loved than feared. that's what i crave most love and affection. i just put up a facade that i enjoy being feared. like a hand grenade or a fired up stick of dynamite. keep this between you and me live journal but it scares me that people are scared of me. i wrap my brain around it and i just can't comprehend it. more than half the time i am the one scared of them but i guess i am good at being on the defensive. it's almost as if my brain is trained to get you before you have a chance to get at me. i just keep thinking myself into this same sick cycle of depression. i think about how mean and heartless and selfishly blind i have been for pretty much my entire life. a lot of times being mean just to prove my point that i can do what i want. so here i am now struggling to figure myself out in a relationship that is stagnant. is this really who i want to be with? sometimes i feel like i am just attached to attachment because i need to feel secure, like i have someone on my side. recently i have found myself gawking with envy at any little girl i see with her daddy. how they always seem to be the best of friends, holding hands, playing pretend. i wish i could adopt some parents. a nice couple that ask each other questions and smile a lot and they never yell or say a callous word. a couple to teach me the ropes of life and warn me about what might be coming up ahead. but i don't know any couple that would want to adopt a twenty three year old unstable half neurotic crisis case. sometimes i wonder how i have managed to get this far in life. and sometimes i wish that car crash had taken more than just my spleen. so many times i have needed some safe place to turn a shoulder to cry on a lesson to be learned. i just want someone to ask "hey kiddo how was you day?" maybe a pat on the back (or my favorite a slap on the knee) or an address for the name to send this father's day card to. i cannot seem to get myself unstuck from the past. i wish i had spent more time asking questions giving hugs and not hiding so much. but here i sit in my dimly lit cave a hermit slave. a hermit crab poke me and i'll pinch you with my big claws of spite. i am deeply saddened that you care not what i say. that you just used me for your part time play. that now you realize she's the one you want because she got the nice parents with the upper classier font. maybe i'll just just secede back to the clearance rack trailer trash marquee and quit pretending the city life is for me. but that is just the depression talking waiting for the manic panic to kick in. i need a new place to clear my head from this smokey mess i'm suffocating in.
teents
teents